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Dual Sides Review Topic

Expanded Multiverse

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2 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Astris Janus

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Posted Dec 30 2011 - 04:02 AM

Hi there. This it the review topic for my Expanded Multiverse Epic, Dual Sides.The story is broken up into two parts running roughly side by side to each other. The half revolving around Vanus will be listed as Chapters, where as the other half revolving around Darque will be listed as Acts. There will be parts where they intersect, and they will be listed as both.Feel free to post any comments or criticism. Thanks. ^_^
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Right, new forum, new signature. Or, at least, a reboot.

20795.jpg

Dual Sides; An Expanded Multiverse Epic

Bionicle Anime: Toa Mata

"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success."
- Anonymous


#2 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Apr 16 2012 - 12:38 AM

Saw this in the submissions topic and have read what you've posted so far. I like the characters you're focusing on and the trouble they're in so far.The ways you've played with the title theme are interesting; it's apparently about Vanus, but the intermix of Chapter/Act fits with it too, and the two threads it follows in them. I'll be interested to see in the end whether the two threads end up as dual sides of good working against a common enemy, or perhaps against each other against a backdrop of an enemy, or perhaps both. But so far the mysterious enemy is intriguing, especially that they seem to be sapient beings who have chosen bug-Rahi codenames. Izumal hackers, perhaps?I especially liked the temporary nanite maker device, how that was introduced and how it has been used to bring character conflict into focus. And you write within our EM world very naturally; it's always cool to see that (but I'm sure I'm biased :P).Some advice -- I would avoid some of the parts where the narration steps out of the story to say "so and so is like this", especially when the story around it is already showing us that. I noticed this especially in the very beginning, and when that anomaly causes that explosion of energy on Izumal, and the story had already clearly showed what happened but then you jarringly restated it in the present tense -- no need to do that. :) Also there was something about the personalities with Vanus that I did find helpful but the style of that sudden present-tense shift still seemed jarring, maybe consider a rewrite of that part.I thought it was a little unrealistic that after Darque (brilliant name BTW :P) hacked the hovertower and made those stairs that they would just walk up the stairs. This is right on the outskirts of a city policed by supersonic Agents, as you've just shown before this, so if I was Darque I would run up those stairs as fast as I could. :P And it might be cooler to say that just as they ran in they saw Agents zooming into view or something, although with the angle of visibility there I suppose they might not be able to see that until it was too late, so I dunno. Just felt like they weren't appreciating how quickly "the law" could come down on them there.Just a possible typo question -- near the end of what's up so far when the code-named characters are talking, was that one supposed to be "Muaka?" Also there were a few other minor typos I didn't have time to take notes on, just read through sometime and you should spot them. :)Anywho, looking forward to future chapters and finding out the background mystery. ^_^
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#3 Offline Astris Janus

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Posted May 05 2012 - 10:23 AM

Thanks for the that Bones! ^_^I am always a little worried that my writing is a little over discriptive or has unnessecary details, and it is something that I need to work on. I wasn't entirely happy with the explaination of Vanus' "personality surfacing" either, but I wasn't sure how to fix it at the time. Might try soon-ish.Yeah, Darque shouldn't have been walking. Especially since he just was talking about how they would be sending someone. Just changed it to dash, and now it looks a little more urgent. :PI just fixed that typo. Yes, it was meant to be Muaka.And I'm hoping I find out the background mystery too. I say it's there, but Master Manas Ko won't let me know about it. :PNew Chapter will be up in a couple of minutes. Thanks again for the comments and criticism Bones. ^_^Astris JanusEDIT: New chapter now up! Still working on the next Act, so just sit tight! ^_^

Edited by Astris Janus, May 05 2012 - 10:43 AM.

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Right, new forum, new signature. Or, at least, a reboot.

20795.jpg

Dual Sides; An Expanded Multiverse Epic

Bionicle Anime: Toa Mata

"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success."
- Anonymous





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