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Shadows Review Topic

Shadows Review Topic

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106 replies to this topic

#81 Online Pokémon Trainer N

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Posted Mar 03 2012 - 04:52 PM

@Automaton: Or be mercilessly slaughtered by the zombie horde.@Wotsiznaim: Who indeed?Thankyou. XPIncommodo's tendency to break the Fourth Wall has payed off.Thankyou.What about the cliffhanger in Chapter 8?Italics always change the game.Thanks. :)
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

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"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#82 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Mar 03 2012 - 04:57 PM

Nah, 18 blows 8 out of the water. It even has a 1 before the chapter number!
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#83 Online Pokémon Trainer N

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Posted Mar 03 2012 - 04:59 PM

Well, thankyou. I'm glad I got another good cliffhanger in before the end.There are approximately 5 chapters left, then an epilogue.
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#84 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Mar 09 2012 - 02:55 PM

Raanu! Huzzah! But wouldn't Incommodo and Pirok know him already, what with his being the leader of the Agori and all?Short chapter, bit of a story scene. Can't beat zombies, but still good.
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#85 Online Pokémon Trainer N

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Posted Mar 09 2012 - 02:58 PM

Raanu! Huzzah! But wouldn't Incommodo and Pirok know him already, what with his being the leader of the Agori and all?Short chapter, bit of a story scene. Can't beat zombies, but still good.

Yes, but Raanu won't know them. :sly:Yeah, it is a bit short, but we're coming right up to the end now. Next chapter'll be the beginning of the Final Stand.

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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#86 Offline Onarax

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Posted Mar 11 2012 - 06:15 AM

So ... newest chapter.It doesn't provide much awesome really. Everything seems so ... rushed.But meh, it was awesome anyway.
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#87 Online Pokémon Trainer N

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Posted Mar 11 2012 - 06:26 AM

So ... newest chapter.It doesn't provide much awesome really. Everything seems so ... rushed.But meh, it was awesome anyway.

Looks rushed, but a lot longer than other chapters.And it needed to be rushed. Too many little details could ruin plot-related surprises.But, look on the bright side, the Epilogue will provide quite a bit of 'awesome'. :evilgrin:... And a new villain. Well, I say 'new'... you yourself have already encountered him...

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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#88 Offline Onarax

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Posted Mar 11 2012 - 06:30 AM

...It's Reichenbach isn't it?
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#89 Online Pokémon Trainer N

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Posted Mar 11 2012 - 06:32 AM

No spoilers.But I can tell you that you will almost definitely enjoy the epilogue.

Edited by Paradoxophobia, Mar 11 2012 - 01:46 PM.

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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#90 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Mar 11 2012 - 08:55 AM

I know for a fact that Reichenbach is the villain of Dark Mirror, because you said so to Automaton in Po-Wahi.I missed two chapters! OMG!This battle seemed a bit like it was supposed to be really epic, but just felt a bit rushed. It could do with some paragraphs inside the character's head or describing what was going on or even just longer fights, but it just wasn't as good as the chapters leading up to it. Vorex's death especially was... Ugh...On the plus side, the universe is fixed. Hooray!
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#91 Online Pokémon Trainer N

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Posted Mar 11 2012 - 08:59 AM

I know for a fact that Reichenbach is the villain of Dark Mirror, because you said so to Automaton in Po-Wahi.I missed two chapters! OMG!This battle seemed a bit like it was supposed to be really epic, but just felt a bit rushed. It could do with some paragraphs inside the character's head or describing what was going on or even just longer fights, but it just wasn't as good as the chapters leading up to it. Vorex's death especially was... Ugh...On the plus side, the universe is fixed. Hooray!

Oh well. XPYes, yes you did.Yeah, not the best battle-writer.Hey, who the Karz said Vorex died? :sly:Face it, we're dealing with one of the most powerful beings in the universe. You think the nameless Matoran can push him into a vat of lava and be done with it? Happy days, the tyrant who's been attempting to destroy the universe is dead!... Eh, no. Vorex's death was meant to seem not-quite-right.Yay! The universe is fixed!It is fixed, right? Right?I won't even give you spoilers in small text. You think I'm that stupid?

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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#92 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Mar 11 2012 - 09:02 AM

DunDUNDDUUUUNNNNN!!!
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#93 Online Pokémon Trainer N

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Posted Mar 11 2012 - 09:05 AM

^ Looks like someone's looking forward to the sequel ^
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#94 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Mar 11 2012 - 09:06 AM

Looks like someone's afraid of paradoxes. BOO! PARADOX!Scared you, didn't I?
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#95 Online Pokémon Trainer N

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Posted Mar 11 2012 - 09:09 AM

You're getting a bit off-topic there, Wotz.Anyhow, as some of you already know, Epilogue is written, will be up tomorrow, Dark Mirror will be up once I've got a banner and/or manage to figure out how Blender works to make my own temporary one. :)
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#96 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Mar 13 2012 - 11:52 AM

So, Reich is back. Hopefully he won't be as annoying as he is in the RPG.Explosions! :happydance: The title is making more sense now that I read your sig. Good epic, kind of went a bit downhill after the zombies (which ROCKED) but the epilogue is interesting. It was your first (I think?) so I have to say it lived up to the term 'epic' for most of the tale. Hope the next is even better!
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But that place on memory lane you liked still looks the same / But something 'bout it's changed


#97 Online Pokémon Trainer N

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Posted Mar 13 2012 - 11:58 AM

So, Reich is back. Hopefully he won't be as annoying as he is in the RPG.Explosions! :happydance: The title is making more sense now that I read your sig. Good epic, kind of went a bit downhill after the zombies (which ROCKED) but the epilogue is interesting. It was your first (I think?) so I have to say it lived up to the term 'epic' for most of the tale. Hope the next is even better!

I wouldn't count on it. XPExplosions indeed.The title of the next one will make much more sense after the prologue.I know it went a bit downhill, but that was due to a badly thought-out ending. Dark Mirror (well, Part I at least) is pretty much set in stone.It was my first epic, yes.The next should be better... :evilgrin:

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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#98 Offline fishers64

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Posted Mar 15 2012 - 12:26 AM

Read the last set of chapters, and I have to admire the witty lines. One thing I've noticed from reading this is that it seems artificial - whenever you get to a portion that can't be easily resolved by a fistfight or a witty quote, you insert random things into your epic. For example, the Toa are locked in a prison, and they just happen to meet a Turaga who just happens to tell them how to use the Paradox disk to get out. May I use the word deau ex machina? You have a lot of those. I guess this is semi-melodramatic, but still. Also, you randomly insert back story at will. This feels really forced. It doesn't feel natural - "I'm just going to throw in some random backstory here, because I need it". You use your "machina" and "backstory" as crutches to get you through whatever scene you're in. (I think you openly admitted to that :)). I think you are used to RPGing, where other characters would insert these artificial devices for you. Sadly, I don't follow the RPG, but I do follow stories, and in a story the story usually comes from the characters and moves along logically without relying on randomly inserted artificial plot devices. You might want to tone those down a bit; it might make your story more enjoyable to read.
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#99 Online Pokémon Trainer N

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Posted Mar 15 2012 - 01:37 AM

Okay.The 'Deus Ex Machina's should be explained later. Especially the Turaga, he's important.Yes, I do. I add backstory in as parts of chapters, so in some cases it's both the story and the backstory that are being continued in a chapter. Not really 'crutches'.However, there was one chapter in which I put the backstory of the three main protagonists, and I admitted that I put it there because I'd taken out a scene and needed something to replace it.Now, these 'artificial devices'; you've mentioned them a few tiimes. I assume you are unaware that there is a sequel. Shadows is the first part of a trilogy.Not all of these are Deus Ex Machinas. I bring your attention to the Matoran introduced in the first few chapters, who Wotsiznaim immediately named a 'cheap plot device'.Within a few chapters, that Matoran had become one of the main characters.Just FYI, Deus Ex Machinas are specifically banned from the BZPRPG. So they wouldn't be coming from that.
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#100 Offline fishers64

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Posted Mar 16 2012 - 12:02 AM

Okay.The 'Deus Ex Machina's should be explained later. Especially the Turaga, he's important.Yes, I do. I add backstory in as parts of chapters, so in some cases it's both the story and the backstory that are being continued in a chapter. Not really 'crutches'.However, there was one chapter in which I put the backstory of the three main protagonists, and I admitted that I put it there because I'd taken out a scene and needed something to replace it.Now, these 'artificial devices'; you've mentioned them a few tiimes. I assume you are unaware that there is a sequel. Shadows is the first part of a trilogy.Not all of these are Deus Ex Machinas. I bring your attention to the Matoran introduced in the first few chapters, who Wotsiznaim immediately named a 'cheap plot device'.Within a few chapters, that Matoran had become one of the main characters.Just FYI, Deus Ex Machinas are specifically banned from the BZPRPG. So they wouldn't be coming from that.

I am perfectly aware that there is a sequel. I look forward to reading it and understanding the truth behind everything. It just feels random. Does this story have a meaning? A point, ofher than to make witty lines in the midst of strange battles? I seem to be missing it.

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#101 Online Pokémon Trainer N

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Posted Mar 16 2012 - 01:29 AM

Good.I'm sorry to hear that. There is a point to it, other than 'witty lines'.
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#102 Offline Onarax

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Posted Mar 17 2012 - 03:52 AM

I await the sequel. Could you give us a timeframe for its arrival?
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#103 Online Pokémon Trainer N

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Posted Mar 17 2012 - 03:58 AM

The sequel'll probably be out sometime next week, I'm waiting for Shattered Mask Productions to make me a new banner. :)
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#104 Offline Onarax

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Posted Mar 17 2012 - 04:00 AM

Ah, I see. So you're going to wait for them to complete it before starting up the sequel.
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#105 Online Pokémon Trainer N

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Posted Mar 17 2012 - 04:02 AM

Pretty much, yeah. :P
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all


#106 Offline fishers64

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Posted Mar 17 2012 - 09:14 PM

Good.I'm sorry to hear that. There is a point to it, other than 'witty lines'.

Could you enlighten me? Or would that be giving away too much?

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#107 Online Pokémon Trainer N

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Posted Mar 17 2012 - 11:29 PM

I can't give away too much, but Shadows does serve a purpose within the trilogy I can not yet reveal.For now, consider it... an introduction.
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Someday, you're going to need help. Someday, you're going to turn to me, because there's no one else left. And when you do, I will say 'no'. I will look you dead in the eyes and I will say no, because you let her die, David. 

marked.png

"There's a new world on the way."

 

Marked: Chapter 12 Coming Soon

Review Topic

 

slothy slothy slothpants

bzprpg 2013 y'all





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