Review For The Forgotten Bond

[Pahrak Model ZX]

Chapter 29 is up! The epic duel between the forces of good and evil rages across all four worlds! It's prize: the universe itself!!...So yeah. All that's left is the aftermath chapter, and then this crossover event is complete.

[Lenore]

That chapter lives eats and breathes awesomeness, it has everything. I have only a few questions. 1) Will there be a sequel? and 2) Will you make Bioni-Spirits for this?

[Pahrak Model ZX]

I thank you very much for the compliment!1) In the "Message From the Author" after Chapter 30, I'm going to request final feedback on what I should do with the future of the series. I've brainstormed a trilogy, but I'm not sure if I'm going to go through with it. Forgotten Bond hasn't gotten much feedback...2) Since it uses characters from pre-existing lines, most to all of the characters already have Bioni-Spirits. All that's left would be The Virus (not sure how I would get it to work, plus it would throw the Technic Ancestor balance out of whack, and we already have a Spirit named Virus), Technic Tahu (planning to use as a Super Spirit down the road), and Techic Makuta (which could be a Super Spirit, but it would require The Virus to be made into a Spirit, plus it would be difficult with the method of Super Spirit creation I want to use for Technic Tahu).

[Phoenixian Wraith]

Forgotten Bond was awesome dude. Nuff said http://www.bzpower.com/board/public/style_emoticons/default/cool.png

[Pahrak Model ZX]

Thank you for saying so. :PStill, I don't think it's gotten enough attention to justify a sequel, so it looks like this was just a one-time deal. Fun to write, though.

[Cederak]

Hello, Pahrak Cantus, here is your official ECC review. I thought that with 30 chapters, I would have a lot to say, but I hadn't anticipated reading through an epic that is roughly 90% fight scenes. The other 10% is a plotline that seems to almost exclusively exist for the sake of allowing more fight scenes to occur. I will admit, I ran across a spelling error maybe once every five chapters or so, which means you have a grasp of the grammatical rules to writing properly. That in itself is a chore for some writers here on BZP, but does it excuse poor storytelling? Not at all.The Forgotten Bond quickly becomes a very busy mess during the first few chapters. I am very familiar with the inhabitants of Mata Nui, but I had to keep a number of tabs open to remind myself of each Hero Factory hero, and keeping up with the different Slizers/Roboriders. Writing is a creative outlet, a format through which nearly any description can be made. You seem to give a bigger spotlight to weaponry than characters though, which ultimately detracts from your plot. When the descriptions for most characters are lacking in the way I found, it's difficult to keep up. Cycling through three or more scenes in most chapters didn't help matters at all. By extension, all your characters felt easily transferrable, because they lacked character. There were a few exceptions though. Von Nebula, Preston Stormer, Makuro, and Millennium felt like the strongest written entities through the epic, each having opportunities to be explored and further understood. The story suffers from a severe lack of detail though, not only with characterization, but in the realms and regions their countless battles take place in. I would say that the fight scenes were great, but it didn't take long before they seemed overused and…frantic. Not powerful or engaging, just frantic. Plot development can be done through much more than battle, but it doesn't happen much in this epic.When it does, however, they are fleeting moments. Little explanations of why "Scenario X" is happening in "Location Y" to "Character/Object Z" come up here and there, but there wasn't much that resonated for me. Blaster's mention of a "rift of cognitive dissonance" was a beautiful instance of calm, almost pensive thought in an otherwise explosive story. I also took notice to the lines, "We become your wheels and give you strength, and you give us protection against the threats we can’t handle alone. RoboRider and villager are symbiotic." That idea echoes into the dynamic between Matoran and Toa in a sense, and I wish I had seen it executed in your epic rather than merely stated. Not a bad line though.So after a couple hours of reading through a cycle of plot point, battle, battle, battle, plot point, we come to your finale. The villains are acquiring their ultimate power, and Boss Program- no wait, Certavus (which, when I first read the name had me wondering, why!?)- no wait, Technic Tahu takes center stage and manages to stop them. But at what cost? No cost at all, as luck would have it. Or rather, as Legolord (probably better known as deus ex machina) would have it. He shows up to set everything right once again, wrapping up the ending to The Forgotten Bond with a shiny little bow of convenience. Sure, you tease the Bohrok swarms in your final line, but what's a few thousand mind-controlled machines after everything the Toa have just dealt with? I'm sure they'll be fine. Really, I was more curious about this negative version of Legolord—let's call him Ogellord—that he apparently fought with in the past. His mention alone does not warrant a sequel, but you piqued my interest with the idea of him for a second.I clearly lied to you up there, I guess I have a lot to say about this epic. I haven't even addressed the writing itself yet. While the grammar is fine and the spelling is just about perfect, that lack of detail really tore down the thin plot The Forgotten Bond had going for it. The epic reads a lot like a movie script (as if Michael Bay wished to throw his hat into the ring for reimagining Technic lines on film), which is definitely not your intention. Your characters are so busy knocking each other around and making brief explanations of plot points, that they never take a moment to smell the roses, or do much of anything else. As I said before, this epic desperately needs description, and without it, your characters, your very epic, has tunnel vision - constantly zeroed in on the fight or situation at hand. There is little to no examination of the world around them and that was unsettling for me.My recommendation in your future work is to take your time. Explore your characters, their feelings, how they examine their world. And then show me all of that. Paint the worlds and backdrops of their conflicts (not necessarily conflicts of battle). If reading through your work for roughly four hours taught me anything, I can see you have potential, now you need to utilize it. I could see you crafting a more plot-driven epic at some point, but I don't that will happen until you drawback on your use of fight scenes.Also, keep in mind that creating a sensory experience for your reader is important. I say this now and again in reviews, but I want you to show me rather than tell me. The difference is that telling me, "Tahu went to Po-Koro" is nowhere near as compelling as showing me. As in, "Tahu activated his Kakama, his feet blurring atop the barren ground as he rapidly made his way toward Po-Koro, zipping through vacant canyons and across the endless expanse of sand." And then you can pepper in those plot points along the way. Give your reader plenty of dessert (details) and just enough broccoli (explanation).So, there you have it. Probably not the review you wanted after such a lengthy undertaking, but in the back of my mind, I wonder, were you expecting any of this criticism? At least a bit? When a story feels this rushed, yet the writer continues to remind me that he has so much creativity to be explored, it's frustrating. Still, the ECC exists for the betterment of writers, and that is my ultimate objective with this review. Seriously take some of this stuff into consideration with your next story and don't give up. Good writers are not made overnight, Pahrak Cantus.-Ced

[Pahrak Model ZX]

Thank you very much--I've been desparate for a review like this for quite some time. I need to know what's wrong if I'm ever to improve, after all. I shall focus on what you said and work towards improving my future stories--again, thank you!