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Into The West (Or, A New Age)

Bionicle LoTR-song Written by Lord Darkon

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10 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Prodigal

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Posted Jan 05 2012 - 08:54 PM

stop


Edited by Prodigal, Jun 19 2015 - 09:12 PM.

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#2 Offline Toa of Snow and slush

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Posted Jan 17 2012 - 06:46 PM

Wow. That was good.I'm not the best at reviewing, but I'll do my best.

It resembled Ga-Wahi, and the nostalgia he experienced when he saw the lapping waves never ceased to calm him. As he sat, memories floated into his mind. Both good and bad.

I liked the imagery here. Over all you did a good job keeping charactors constant though out the story too.nice job.

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#3 Offline Prodigal

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Posted Jan 19 2012 - 03:44 PM

Thank you! I'm glad you liked the imagery, and thought I kept the characters constant. Those are normally what I have trouble with.
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#4 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jan 19 2012 - 09:54 PM

Slightly depressing, but nonetheless epic. A prequel could easily be done to show the reason that the Toa were placed in stasis, but this story is amazing enough to stand on it's own. It's also slightly quirky-funny and nostalgic. Great Job. I cannot find anything to complain about right off hand.
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#5 Offline Prodigal

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Posted Jan 20 2012 - 11:50 AM

Thanks for the review! I was going to make a prequel story, but decided to leave it up to the readers, which, in my opinion, is half of the fun.
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#6 Offline Velox

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Posted Jan 24 2012 - 02:47 AM

First off, I have to start off by saying that "Into the West" is an awesome song. It fits the story well, and you incorporated parts of the song into the story well. Good job on that. Next I'd like to mention the plot. You have chosen an incredibly strong, moving plot, and I commend you for that. However, unfortunately for you, that also means I'm going to come down harder on you. =P I loved the plot as a whole; the idea of them going into stasis, leaving the world behind and all that; it was great. However, being one that loves emotions, I think you could have gone farther. Yes, you did great with the emotions that you did detail, but I still would like to see more. More of Tahu/Pohatu/etc. inner thoughts and feelings. Not just what are they talking about, but what are they feeling on the inside? What don't they want to talk about? Or, maybe not that they don't want to, but simply that they don't. Obviously no one says everything they think, so what do they think about this but aren't saying? Just a few questions to help you out with that, because as I said (and you'll find me repeating this because I am quite serious) you have a great plot and a great opportunity to just dive into their emotions, into their very minds. Just imagine yourself as each one of them (doesn't have to be canon -- this is fiction, after all), and what would you be thinking, then? What would your heart be burning with/for? Would you be sad, angry, happy, etc., and why? Not just that you are sad or whatever, but why are you sad? What makes it so sad? What will you miss? Why will you miss those things? And same with the other emotions. What makes you happy? Why? Et cetera. Another thing I wanted to mention quickly is why exactly do they have to go? I know you said that their usefulness has run its course, but still, why must they go? What's wrong with just having Toa around even if they aren't fighting things all the time? Anyway, back to what I was going to get to next: You had a couple great instances of description/imagery -- one of the previous posters point out one of those. But, I again still would have liked to see a little more. Not much, but just a little. Maybe describe the ocean, the land that Tahu is on, what he sees ahead, etc. Again, not very much, but just a couple more sentences here and there. And now for a few things I'd like to point out:

As he sat, memories floated into his mind. Both good and bad.

Personally I would change this to "As he sat, memories floated into his mind; memories both good and bad." Or something like that, anyway. Of course it's completely up to you, but I feel "Both good and bad." isn't a good sentence by itself.

A new age was coming. And Tahu knew his destiny was not a part of this age.

Should be: "A new age was coming, and Tahu knew his destiny was not a part of this age."

After a long silence, Pohatu spoke. “Tahu…” “I know. I should be happy. I should be content. I am not. I yearn for the times before, and my torture continues through my knowledge that this will never happen.” Tahu snapped.

Okay, couple of things. First, simple grammar for quotes in general. Whenever someone speaks it should be separated from the main paragraph (here, you should have begun a new "paragraph" [in other words, spaced down as you would for a new paragraph] with "after a long silence"). Also, whenever two different people speak, those should also be separated. See the example below. Furthermore, whenever you end dialogue with "s/he said" (or any variation thereof, e.g. "Tahu snapped."), the punctuation inside the quotation mark should be a comma instead of a period (if it's a question mark/exclamation point, leave it), and the next word should be uncapitalized (unless it's a name, obviously -- e.g. if you had put "he snapped" instead of "Tahu snapped" then you would leave it as "he snapped" rather than "He snapped"). tl;dr: here's what the above should be:

After a long silence, Pohatu spoke. “Tahu…” “I know. I should be happy. I should be content. I am not. I yearn for the times before, and my torture continues through my knowledge that this will never happen,” Tahu snapped.

Next thing I wanted to bring up is the first bold part above. "I am not" should be changed to "But I am not." And, lastly, for the second bold part, "snapped" is not a proper word here. Snapping implies that, well, he snapped. As in, a quick, sharp reply. His reply, however, was over a line long and quite wordy. If he had just said "I know" then you could use "he snapped." Anyway, I won't point out the quotation errors again, as they happen every time, but just keep in mind what I said earlier: separate dialogue, keep the "s/he said" uncapitalized (even with a question mark/exclamation point), and make periods inside the quotation a comma (only if you continue after with some variation of "s/he said"). If you have any questions, feel free to ask, and I can try to explain it better. =]

“Do you remember, Vakama, Tahu?” He asked.

The first comma isn't necessary. And, while I'm at it, the whole thing should be:"Do you remember Vakama, Tahu?" he asked.

“That is what we were taught, brother.” Said Pohatu with a sigh. “Personally, my thoughts are occupied by love and happiness as well as the three virtues. Oh, and Kolhii. Lots of Kolhii.” Said Pohatu with a smile.

Here, you say almost the same thing just two sentences apart from each other: "Said Pohatu with a__" Now, separating dialogue would null the need to say that, as it'll then be clear that Pohatu is saying both of those things. The second "Said Pohatu" could then be turned into something like simply "He smiled." Though, both are a little awkward, and I'd recommend maybe rewording both of them (to simply "he sighed" and "he said, smiling" or something).

I simply mask my fear with cheerful talk.”

"Cheerful talk" sounds too formal for dialogue. Think of yourself having this conversation, what would you say? Probably not cheerful talk, but rather something like "I simply mask my fear with cheerful thoughts" or "...fear with jokes" or something. Just the "cheerful" and "talk" together don't sound quite natural.

As the neared, Tahu sighed. He had spotted to other four on the boats.

1: "the" should be "they"2: Not quite sure what you mean by your second sentence. "He had spotted the other four on the boats"? Even so, I'd change the wording; not quite clear and doesn't flow well.

“So, what do you think-expect the “Big one” will be?” He asked.

"Big one" should be 'Big one' quotation wise -- quotation within a quotation you use the single ones. Also, you should either capitalize both "big" and "one" or leave both uncapitalized.

“Probably, someone will lose a Kolhii ball.” He laughed.

Comma unnecessary.Anyway, other than that, you did a good job with this story. As I said earlier, it is a very interesting plot, and I was not disappointed. The only reason I gave so much critique was because the plot really was good, and as such I want this story to be the best it can be, which I know it can be given just a little more effort. Keep writing! I look forward to seeing more.Posted Image

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#7 Offline Prodigal

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Posted Jan 24 2012 - 01:27 PM

Wow. The sheer size of this review blew my mind.First off, I really need to work on my grammar, which was terrible in this story.Second, I'm glad you liked it. I was afraid that the plot wouldn't be loved, but apparently, it's okay.
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#8 Offline Freezer Burn

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Posted Jan 26 2012 - 01:45 PM

This is beautiful. It is difficult to get such a powerful feeling from plastic figures, but what you wrote here is really something. This story has so much depth to it, and it wraps up the story of the toa nicely. People never want to think of the end of a character; they always want more adventures. But what you've written ends the story and captures all of the wistfulness and sadness of when lego announced that bionicle was being discontinued. Just wow.
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#9 Offline Prodigal

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Posted Jan 26 2012 - 05:04 PM

I must say, I had no expectations for the feedback on this story.And then you four went and posted. And thank you, Ranubis, for your very, very kind review. Also, thank you for realizing what I was mimicing through out the story, 2010, end of bionicle.This was so well recepted, I might actually write another short story.
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#10 Offline Norik Apple Juice

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Posted Feb 24 2012 - 09:07 PM

The story is so sad and beautiful. I agree with Ranubis that you crafted a very good ending to he Toa. I also liked how the characters retained their characteristics in terms of emotions. Overall, well done but with some grammar mistakes. Good job!
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#11 Offline Prodigal

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Posted Feb 24 2012 - 10:06 PM

Thank you for the review! I'm glad to see you liked my ending for the toa, and i do agree there were quite a few grammar issues.
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