Posted Jan 05 2012 - 08:54 PM
Posted Jan 17 2012 - 06:46 PM
I liked the imagery here. Over all you did a good job keeping charactors constant though out the story too.nice job.
It resembled Ga-Wahi, and the nostalgia he experienced when he saw the lapping waves never ceased to calm him. As he sat, memories floated into his mind. Both good and bad.
Posted Jan 19 2012 - 09:54 PM
Posted Jan 24 2012 - 02:47 AM
Personally I would change this to "As he sat, memories floated into his mind; memories both good and bad." Or something like that, anyway. Of course it's completely up to you, but I feel "Both good and bad." isn't a good sentence by itself.
As he sat, memories floated into his mind. Both good and bad.
Should be: "A new age was coming, and Tahu knew his destiny was not a part of this age."
A new age was coming. And Tahu knew his destiny was not a part of this age.
Okay, couple of things. First, simple grammar for quotes in general. Whenever someone speaks it should be separated from the main paragraph (here, you should have begun a new "paragraph" [in other words, spaced down as you would for a new paragraph] with "after a long silence"). Also, whenever two different people speak, those should also be separated. See the example below. Furthermore, whenever you end dialogue with "s/he said" (or any variation thereof, e.g. "Tahu snapped."), the punctuation inside the quotation mark should be a comma instead of a period (if it's a question mark/exclamation point, leave it), and the next word should be uncapitalized (unless it's a name, obviously -- e.g. if you had put "he snapped" instead of "Tahu snapped" then you would leave it as "he snapped" rather than "He snapped"). tl;dr: here's what the above should be:
After a long silence, Pohatu spoke. “Tahu…” “I know. I should be happy. I should be content. I am not. I yearn for the times before, and my torture continues through my knowledge that this will never happen.” Tahu snapped.
“I know. I should be happy. I should be content. I am not. I yearn for the times before, and my torture continues through my knowledge that this will never happen,” Tahu snapped.Next thing I wanted to bring up is the first bold part above. "I am not" should be changed to "But I am not." And, lastly, for the second bold part, "snapped" is not a proper word here. Snapping implies that, well, he snapped. As in, a quick, sharp reply. His reply, however, was over a line long and quite wordy. If he had just said "I know" then you could use "he snapped." Anyway, I won't point out the quotation errors again, as they happen every time, but just keep in mind what I said earlier: separate dialogue, keep the "s/he said" uncapitalized (even with a question mark/exclamation point), and make periods inside the quotation a comma (only if you continue after with some variation of "s/he said"). If you have any questions, feel free to ask, and I can try to explain it better. =]
After a long silence, Pohatu spoke. “Tahu…”
The first comma isn't necessary. And, while I'm at it, the whole thing should be:"Do you remember Vakama, Tahu?" he asked.
“Do you remember, Vakama, Tahu?” He asked.
Here, you say almost the same thing just two sentences apart from each other: "Said Pohatu with a__" Now, separating dialogue would null the need to say that, as it'll then be clear that Pohatu is saying both of those things. The second "Said Pohatu" could then be turned into something like simply "He smiled." Though, both are a little awkward, and I'd recommend maybe rewording both of them (to simply "he sighed" and "he said, smiling" or something).
“That is what we were taught, brother.” Said Pohatu with a sigh. “Personally, my thoughts are occupied by love and happiness as well as the three virtues. Oh, and Kolhii. Lots of Kolhii.” Said Pohatu with a smile.
"Cheerful talk" sounds too formal for dialogue. Think of yourself having this conversation, what would you say? Probably not cheerful talk, but rather something like "I simply mask my fear with cheerful thoughts" or "...fear with jokes" or something. Just the "cheerful" and "talk" together don't sound quite natural.
I simply mask my fear with cheerful talk.”
1: "the" should be "they"2: Not quite sure what you mean by your second sentence. "He had spotted the other four on the boats"? Even so, I'd change the wording; not quite clear and doesn't flow well.
As the neared, Tahu sighed. He had spotted to other four on the boats.
"Big one" should be 'Big one' quotation wise -- quotation within a quotation you use the single ones. Also, you should either capitalize both "big" and "one" or leave both uncapitalized.
“So, what do you think-expect the “Big one” will be?” He asked.
Comma unnecessary.Anyway, other than that, you did a good job with this story. As I said earlier, it is a very interesting plot, and I was not disappointed. The only reason I gave so much critique was because the plot really was good, and as such I want this story to be the best it can be, which I know it can be given just a little more effort. Keep writing! I look forward to seeing more.
“Probably, someone will lose a Kolhii ball.” He laughed.
"As a writer you ask yourself to dream while awake." ~ Aimee Bender
Posted Jan 24 2012 - 01:27 PM
Posted Jan 26 2012 - 01:45 PM
Posted Jan 26 2012 - 05:04 PM
Posted Feb 24 2012 - 09:07 PM
http://www.bzpower.c...pages/?p=547065 My BZPRPG Character Profiles
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