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Bionicle: Mission Space

To the corners of the universe

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#1 Offline Toarobot18

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Posted Jan 06 2012 - 10:03 PM

BIONICLE: MISSION SPACE

A Bionicle mission to the utmost corners of the universe...

Rewritten for clarity and grammatical consistency!

Now in Technicolor!

Welcome (for the third time) to Bionicle: Mission Space, my first comedy!The Crew:Krika - Chief of Delta ControlHakann - Captain of the Flying MaduGaaki - Second in commandKopaka - Chief Missions AdvisorGali - Captain's AssistantTahu - Ship JanitorLewa - Crew memberVezok - Crew memberHahli - Crew memberPohatu - Crew memberHewkii - Crew memberJaller - Crew memberAnd Now...Somewhere, inside a giant robot's body, in a galaxy far away, a loud voice blared on the speakers of a remote launch base: Delta Control.[Hello! This is Krika, Chief of Delta Control speaking. Countdown will commence in 3 minutes and counting. All crew members of spaceship “Flying Madu” report to launch site. I repeat all crew members of spaceship “Flying Madu” report to launch site. Thank you.] All around the bustling complex, toa, piraka, matoran, and various other beings were running here or there, or typing at fast speeds numerous number sequences in 4 different languages. Through large glass windows a tall, cylindrical structure could be seen, which resembled a cross between a giant cordak bullet and a zamor sphere. Ladders extended from the sides, and two large sliding doors were near the base, and a ramp ran up to them. If any of these busy beings had chanced to look up, they would have noticed a huge package with holes poked in the sides being roled up the ramp by Vezok. Something that would change the fate of our brave crew members forever...A few minutes later, with the crew inside the spaceship, the countdown began:Krika: [20...19...15... 14... Oops. Sorry, I skipped a few numbers. ... I'll make up. 13...12...11...10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2...1...1...1...1....... 0! I mean, blast off!](The large spaceship left the launch pad with with all matter of flames and smoke.)Inside the spaceship Flying Madu's main control room:Hakann: All intelligent crew on board? Did we miss anybody? (Hakann looks hopefully at Vezok's chair as all crew members answer “yes” to his first question.) Gaaki, please begin making checks.Gaaki: To who? For how much?Hakann: Nitwit! Engine power?Tahu: Check.Hakann: Course computer on?Kopaka: Check.Hakann: Ship on course?Krika: [Delta Control here. Check. Over.]Hakann: All crew in correct stations?All but Hakann: Check.Hakann: You are now free to roam around the cabin. Tahu, go sweep the floors. All others are dismissed.Tahu: I should have gone into welding when I had the chance...(Many of the crew head off to their bunks within the ship. Vezok heads towards the engine room. Hakann, Kopaka, and Gaaki remain in control room.)Gaaki: Did you see Hahli leave? She was hiding something in her hands and she had something stuck in each of her ears.Kopaka: Probably one of those iBricks. She's always listening to one.Hakann: But electronics were banned on the ship! They could cause interference with the computer! Kopaka! You find Hahli and deal with this!(Kopaka walks up to the door to Hahli's bunk room, walks in, and finds Hahli lying on her bed with an iBrick.)Kopaka: You know those aren't alou-- Hey, I'll make a deal. I won't turn this in if you let me listen.Hahli: Well... I mean... my music hasn't been filtered and it might not be appropriate for a toa of your maturity... and it's by After Dark...Kopaka: But I love unfiltered music! (He grabs her iBrick and listens.)iBrick: Flying out of the sun, the smell of toast is in the air. When there's a job to be done, the flying toasters will be there! And it's flap! Flap! Flap! Now help is on the way. This vict'ry song they sing: We pop up to save the day, on mighty toaster wings! In brightest day or After Dark, when times of trouble are at hand... The Flying Toasters set a spark, and hope is blazing 'cross the land! And its flap! Flap! Flap! Salvation from above! This precious gift they bring: Gleaming angels of love, on mighty toaster wings!Kopaka: What is this junk? I'm going to go listen to real music on my iBrick. (Kopaka throws Hahli's iBrick on the floor and goes away to listen to rap.)Hakann: (From the Flying Madu's speaker system.) [All crew members please report to control room! An emergency meeting will be held at once!](Inside the control room, after all crew members but Vezok have arrived.)Hakann: We can't wait any longer. We'll start without Vezok. I suppose you understand why we are here?.All but Hakaan and Vezok: No!Hakann: (Pointing to controls.) Look at this radar screen. Those blobs--Tahu: You mean blips?(Vezok runs into the room, looking rather nervous.)Hakann: (Glaring at Tahu and Vezok.) Yes, those blisps are a meteorite storm. In three hours we will arrive in it. All emergency maneuvers must be--From engine room: BANNNNG!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!! KABOOOM!!!!All: What?!!! Ah!!! Help!!! Mata Nui!!Tahu: That was three hours already?Hakann: No. It couldn't have been a meteorite. We're still three hours away and there's no other meteorites on the radar.Computer: ERROR 294! ERROR 294! ENGINE DAMAGE! ENGINE DAMAGE! ERROR 294! WARNING!! WARNING!!All: OH NO!!!On the next chapter of Bionicle: Mission Space:What will happen to the crew of the Flying Madu now that their engine is damaged?Who is responsible? And how will they be punished?And what about that meteorite storm?Word Count: 849As I have a long way to go to get to the new chapters, I will not be accepting guest stars at this time.

Edited by Toarobot18, Feb 21 2012 - 02:48 PM.

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#2 Offline Onuki

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Posted Feb 07 2012 - 05:39 PM

Hi, Toarobot! I've read the first chapter and I like it; but before I talk about that let me mention the small number of typos I found, since you seem rightly concerned with perfecting it. ;D (I'll edit this novel out of my post once you're all set with it!)1) "This Krika" should be "This is Krika," right?2) You spell the captain's name three different ways (Hakaan, Hakann, and Hakkan). No worries, I'm an old story guy and don't even know who that is lol, but I'm sure you know which one is correct. :P3) Hakaan refers to radar "blisps" -- this might be intentional on your part to make him look bad?4) "... commence in 3 minutes in counting" should probably be "and counting," shouldn't it? As far as the cliche goes.5) "... toa, piraka, matoran..." Those should probably all be capitalized, no?6) "Through large glass windows a tall, cylindrical, structure could be seen..." You actually don't need the comma after cylindrical here -- since it's the last adjective, you just get to proceed directly to the noun, without even passing Go.7) "Vezok heads towards the engine room." I get a lot of grief on school papers from using towards instead of toward; however, I'm still not really sure why you're supposed to use one instead of the other, so this one's more of just a suggestion to investigate it for yourself if you want.8) Last thing, and this isn't really a big deal or even a problem, just something to bear in mind (esp. since I can be very guilty of it, too): tense. Generally, you are consistent with your different uses of tense here, namely: past tense for the narration-oriented bits and present tense for the script-style action references (e.g. *Vezok eats a sandwich*). However, if you're going to mix different tenses in chunks of the comedy that serve different purposes, you should try to be as consistent as possible, therefore:"... which resembled a cross between a giant cordak bullet and a zamor sphere [Should any of this be capitalized, too?]. Ladders extend from the sides, and two large sliding doors were near the base, and a ramp ran up to them. If any of these busy beings had chanced to look up..."In the above passage, "extend" clearly should be "extended." That's all. Just a typo, I'm sure.Anyway, I hope none of this was patronizing in any way; just trying to give a fellow writer a hand. That said, I can now actually talk about the main thing here, which is, you know, the comedy's being funny. :)I appreciate that this chapter was largely a methodical setup for the rest of the story, so in some aspects humor had to be sacrificed for pure logistics. Nevertheless, what I like best is the mischievous tone conveyed especially well in a few places:"Somewhere, inside a giant robot's body"Haha, yeah, among the later story developments, that always struck me as pretty odd."Hakaan: All intelligent crew on board? Did we miss anybody? (Hakann looks hopefully at Vezok's chair..."Heh. I dig your characterization of the captain so far!"Hakaan: You are now free to roam around the cabin. Tahu, go sweep the floors. All others are dismissed."I did in fact LOL at the first line. Also, it's funny seeing Tahu's typical role switched completely -- from the top of the food chain to the bottom. As soon as I read the cast list haha..."Hakaan: We can't wait any longer. We'll start without Vezok."Yup, his indifference toward Vezok is still funny."Look at this radar screen. Those blobs--"Indeed the trope of the incompetent captain is not old, either. Almost like in a Mozart opera, we find it funny when figures of "authority" make fools of themselves... also, blob is a funny word. xDSo yeah, thanks for the laughs! This is not bad by any standards.... As you can deduce from my profile, I'm a nearly-dormant old member, but if anything's gonna bring me back, it's the Library, so maybe I'll see more chapters if they do come! I do have a hypothesis for the cliffhanger (cruel but effective, by the way), but I'll sit on that for now. I'll also be waiting for the jokes about Gali's not having a "real" job on the ship and instead being (nearly) the only female character on board! :PTake it easy,-- Onuki
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#3 Offline Toarobot18

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Posted Feb 20 2012 - 04:06 PM

Hey Onuki! Thanks for stopping by. (And thanks to my sister, who let me know someone posted here.) I did write this quite a while ago, and while I did my best to make corrections, I'm not surprised I missed plenty of mistakes. So thank you very much for helping out. Regarding Hakaan, I actually have no idea anymore how it's spelled, but considering that it is Hakaan throughout most of the comedy I'll go with that. Blisps is intentional. As far as capitalization goes, those instances were intentional also. I consider "toa," "piraka," and "matoran," to be similar to our words such as "hero," "bandit," and "worker." The same goes for "cordak bullet" and "zamor sphere." Think "rifle bullet" and "explosive sphere." While Lego may have capitalized them, I don't, unless it makes sense within the comedy's world.As far as the future of the comedy, it's posts like yours that inspire me to actually continue re-posting the chapters. Of course, you could find out what happens next by digging in the archives, but that would spoil the surprise.EDIT: I added a chapter. Also, BS01 says the proper spelling is Hakann, so I decided to do it the right way.

CHAPTER TWO

In the last chapter of Bionicle: Mission Space our heroes were in grave danger, as the Flying Madu's engine was damaged!From the engine room: BANNNNG!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!! KABOOOM!!!!All: What?!!! Ah!!! Help!!! Mata Nui!!Tahu: That was three hours already?Hakann: No. It couldn't have been a meteorite. We're still three hours away and there's no other meteorites on the radar.Computer: ERROR 294! ERROR 294! ENGINE DAMAGE! ENGINE DAMAGE! ERROR 294! WARNING!! WARNING!!All: OH NO!!!Hakann: What could have caused this terrible catastrophe to befall us? How can we escape the wrath of danger? O Mata Nui! Save us from a gruesome fate!(All others raise eyebrows.)Gaaki: Well? Engines don't just break by themselves! Normally. Tahu! Go check the engine room. See if you--BAAAAAANG!!! BOOOOOOOOOM!!!!All: AHHHHHHH!(Tahu walks slowly and cautiously heads towards the engine room.)Vezok: Stop!Tahu: Why?Vezok: I didn't do it! It wasn't my fault!All but Vezok: Huh?Vezok: He was hungry! And there's no matoran on the ship...Hakann: I have a bad feeling about this. Tahu! Go check this out!(Tahu goes into the engine room.)A few seconds later...THUUMP! AHHHH! HELP! BOOOM! CRRUUUUUUUUUUNCCH!(Silence.)Vezok: He was just a janitor anyway...(Gali faints.)Hakann: Lewa, Hahli, Pohatu! Go to the engine room and deal with what ever is in there! Bring weapons!Vezok: Nooooooooooo! Don't hurt him! He won't eat no one!!! I'll calm him down! He listens me!(Vezok runs into the engine room.)A strange sound emits from the engine room: Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Prrrrrrrrrrrrr.Hahli: Hey! That sounds like my cat, fluffles!Hakann: Lewa, go in the engine room! Now!Lewa: Oh this will be a lot of fun-play...(Lewa goes into the engine room. A few minutes later, he returns looking dazed:)Lewa: It's-- It's-- ... It's a dragon!!!Hakann: A dragon! In my ship? How unacceptable!Gaaki: I'll get Vezok. We need to have a talk...(Gaaki leaves and then returns with Vezok, who's pulling a purring Kardas by a chain.)Hakann: What do you have to say for yourself?Vezok: Well... I couldn't stand to leave without ol' Kardy!Hakann: Then sit!(Vezok sits down.)Hakann: Gaaki! What do you suggest his punishment be?Gaaki: I have just the one. (She glares at Vezok.)Krika: [Delta control here, we're losing your connection! Why have you turned off your engine? You're out of battery power and- (Static.)(The lights, computer, and other electronics shut down.)All: No power!Gaaki: Without power our oxygen maker won't work! And we'll need all the air we've got! We won't have room for an extra mouth, especially a huge one. We'll have to leave Kardas here, in space.Vezok: Noooooooooo! I can't leave him! Will you give him an oxygen tank?Hakann: Well, we need all the oxygen we've got.Vezok: If I leave, you'll save a lot of oxygen that will make up for tanks for both of us! I abandon ship as long as I can stay with Kardy!!!Hakann: (Looking extremely happy.) I don't know... we wouldn't want to leave such a wonderful crew member behind. ... But if you must.Vezok: Yesssss! Me and Kardy will stay together forever!(A few minutes later they are both in the airlock with air tanks.)Hakann: Bye, bye! We might miss you!(Hakann opens the airlock manually for lack of power; Vezok and Kardas float off in space...)BOOOOOM! BOOOOM!All: The meteorite storm!!!!On the next chapter of Bionicle: Mission Space:What will happen to the stranded crew of the Flying Madu, stuck in a meteorite storm without power?Who will be the new janitor?And what role will the iBrick play? (No, I didn't just randomly stick that in there.)Word count: 500Comments welcome & encouraged.

Edited by Toarobot18, Feb 22 2012 - 11:23 PM.

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#4 Offline Toarobot18

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Posted Feb 21 2012 - 12:34 PM

CHAPTER THREE

In the last chapter of Bionicle: Mission Space, a meteorite storm struck just when the Flying Madu ran out of power:Vezok: Yesssss! Me and Kardy will stay together forever!(A few minutes later they are both in the airlock with air tanks.)Hakann: Bye, bye! We might miss you!(Hakann opens airlock manually for lack of power, Vezok and Kardas float off in space...)BOOOOOM! BOOOOM!All: The meteorite storm!!!!Gaaki: We're doomed! Without power, the shields won't turn on! We'll be smashed to pieces!BOOOOOOOOOOM!Lewa: Ever since I saw that dragon I knew we weren't going to have a happy-fun time...BOOM! BOOM! BOOOOM!CREAAK HSSSSSssssssssHakann: The space ship is being torn apart! We won't stand a chance! Everybody go back to your bunks! We might as well die sleeping...Jaller: No! Go to training room! We should die fighting!Lewa: Or the kitchen! We could eat dieing! I mean die--BOOOOM!! BOOM!Hakann: So it's decided. To your bun--BOOM! BOOOOOM! CRUUNCHH!!!(All crew go to bunks.)(Kopaka walks into his bunk and remembers the object hidden in his pillow...)(Kopaka runs into Hakann's bunk room.)Kopaka: Hakann!BOOOOM! CRACCCK!Kopaka: I know how we can survive this storm!Hakann: (From under the covers.) Don't bother me! I'm trying to sleep!Kopaka: My iBrick! If I take the battery from it and take the battery from Hahl-Hakann: YOOOUR IBRICK?!! YOU HAVE AN ELECTRONIC ONBOARD?! MY CHIEF MISSIONS ADVISOR! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOUR SELF! YOU ARE A-- Wait? Did you say you had batteries? Quick! Bring me them!(Kopaka gets his battery from his iBrick in his pillow case and heads toward Hahli's bunk.)Kopaka: Hahli! I need the battery from your-BOOOOOOOOM!Hahli: My what?Kopaka: Your--BOOM! HSSSssssss!Hahli: WHAT?Kopaka: Your iBrick!Hahli: Oh no you don't! Last time you took my iBrick you threw it on--BOOOOOOOM!(Kopaka grabs Hahli's iBrick, takes the battery, and throws the iBrick on the floor.)Kopaka: So much for the Flying Toasters...(Kopaka runs to Hakann's room.)Kopaka: Hakann!! Here are your batteries!Hakann: My Ba--BAMMM! KABBBBOOOM!(Hakann takes the batteries and runs to the control room. A few minutes later...)Computer: Powered restored. Auto activation of shields commencing.Krika: [control do you read me? This is Delta control do you read me? This is--Hakann: Yes, I read you. You're very angry, and you're thinking about Gorast--Krika: [How'd you know? And where did you get more power? And what happened to your engines? I've been trying to contact you for ages!]Hakann: It's not my fault! I carefully inspected all the packages! I just missed one!Krika: [What are you talking about?]Gali: He killed Tahu!! He killed Tahu!!Krika: [Hakann! How could you? You signed the friendliness to toa act! I saw you!]Hakann: No! It wasn't me! It was the dragon!Krika: [Dragon indeed! I deem you mentally insane!]Hakann: But there was a dragon! I saw it!Krika: [You are unfit for command. As Chief of Delta Control, I am demoting you to the new Janitor, and placing Gaaki in comand!]Kopaka: We've made it out of the meteorite storm! And just in time! We are running out of battery power!Hakkan: But wait! I can explain!Krika: [Go ahead, but I can't-- (Static.)(All electronics shut down.)Hakann: NOOOOOOOO!Gali: Maybe I should have said “the dragon” instead of “he.” Oops.Hakann: (Starting to cry.) Mommy! My career! My spaceyshi--Gaaki: Hey look! There's a planet to our left!On the next chapter of Bionicle: Mission Space:What is this strange planet?And what of Gaaki's new leadership?Word count: 524Please point out typos! Comments welcome as always.

CHAPTER FOUR

In the last chapter of Bionicle: Mission Space, Hakann had lost his leadership and a strange planet was spotted:

Kopaka: We've made it out of the meteorite storm! And just in time! We are running out of battery power!Hakkan: But wait! I can explain!Krika: [Go ahead, but I can't-- (Static.)(All electronics shut down.)Hakann: NOOOOOOOO!Gali: Maybe I should have said “the dragon” instead of “he.” Oops.Hakann: (Starts to cry.) Mommy! My career! My spaceyshi--Gaaki: Hey look! There's a planet to our left!Gaaki: Hakann, should we try to get over there somehow?Hakann: (Sob.) Well (sob) it looks (sniff) kind of bar-Gaaki: Oh! Wait! I'm in charge now aren't I?Kopaka: I don't know about this... It looks very bare, and there seems to be a lot of magna on the crust...Gaaki: I name it Barren Magnus! We shall land at once!Lewa: How? We don't have any power!Kopaka: I don't think we have much of a choice about it anyway as-Gaaki: Oh? I'm in charge and I'll say whether or not we have a-Kopaka: As I was saying, we don't have a choice. We're already being pulled in by its gravity! It's going to be a crash landing!Gali: (Faints.)Gaaki: But if we crash there, we'll never be able to repair the ship! It's almost certainly lifeless!Kopaka: I think our fate is in the hands of Mata Nui now. We're going doooooooown......On “Barren Magnus,” in a large stone arena...Ice tribe leader: The tribe with the winning glatorian will gain control of the Coxvent river... and the losing tribe will receive 200 thornax fruit! Let the game begin!Jungle tribe leader: Bring in the targets!(Two giant stone things that resemble canisters are rolled in.)Ice tribe leader: Let in the glatorian!(Two stone doors slide open inside the arena and a white and a green glatorian walk out.)Jungle tribe leader: Three... two... one... attack! For victory! For glory! For power!(The green glatorian fires and misses.)(The white glatorian fires and hits the target.)Ice tribe leader: Negative one life point for the jungle tribe!(The green glatorian fires and hits the white glatorian.)Jungle tribe leader: Negative two life points for the ice tribe!(The white glatorian fires and hits the green glatorian.)Ice tribe leader: Negative two life points for the jungle tribe!(The green glatorian fires and misses.)(The white glatorian fires and hits the target.)Ice tribe leader: Negative one life point for the jungle tribe! That brings us to one point left for the jungle tribe and three points left for the ice tribe. It looks like we're-- (At this time, he chances to look up, and sees something falling very fast towards the arena.) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!(The Flying Madu comes crashing down, landing on the white glatorian.)Jungle tribe leader: (Peering into the dust and seeing only one glatorian.) It looks like we've won! Victory for the Jungle Tribe!Inside of the Flying Madu:Gaaki: Is everyone alright? I think we're safe now. I just hope there's oxygen on this planet... I'll take attendence. Jaller?Jaller: Here.Gaaki: Hewkii?Hewkii: Here.Gaaki: Pohatu?Pohatu: Here.Gaaki: Lewa?Lewa: Not here.Gaaki: (Rolling eyes.) Boys. Hahli?Hahli: Here.Gaaki: Tahu?Lewa: Dead.(Gali faints.)Gaaki: Vezok?Lewa: Gone.Gaaki: Hakann?Lewa: Demoted.Hakann: (Glaring at Gaaki and Lewa.) Here.Gaaki: Kopaka?Kopaka: Here.Gaaki: All right. I'm going to send the robot out to check the planet's atmosphere. Robot?(A larger, newer, equipped-for-space, and black-instead-of-red version of Maxilos walks into the control room.)Robot: How may I help you Miss Gaa-ki?Gaaki: Check the conditions outside the spaceship.Robot: I o-bey.(The robot walks out of the air lock.)In the arena, a large crowd of agori have gathered marveling at the “The Thing That Fell Out of the Sky and Killed That Glatorian.”(The robot climbs out of the ship and down the ladder to the floor of the arena.)Robot: Scan-ning en-vi-ro-ment. ... Life com-pat-ti-ble.Agori 1: It talks!Agori 2: Not in Agorian though. It's gibberish!Agori 3: Maybe it speaks Rockish!Agori 4: It killed the Strakk we hired! Let's kill it!Agori: Kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it!Robot: I de-tect a-ggres-sion! Pre-par-ring de-fen-sive ma-neu-vers!Agori 5: It's talking again!(The agori throw large rocks at robot.)Robot: Un-der a-ttack!(The robot destroys the rocks.)Green glatorian: I'll get it!(The green glatorian shoots a thornax at the robots head, which hits.)Robot: Mal-func-tion! Mal-fu-- (The robot collapses.)Inside the Flying Madu...Gaaki: It's been awhile, and I thought I heard something crash outside. Jaller, could you put on your oxygen tank and check it out?Hahli: Could you send someone else? Not Jaller?Gaaki: OK, Hahli could you go and check it out?Hahli: I didn't mean me!(She goes away, puts her oxygen tank on, goes out the airlock, climbs down the ladder, and finds herself in an arena with a broken robot and a bunch of angry agori.)Agori 2: Hey look! There's another one! Let's kill this one too!Hahli: What are these things? They look sort of like matoran but they don't speak it...Agori: Kill it! It killed the Strakk!(The agori throw rocks at Hahli.)Hahli: Wow. They're stupid. (She makes a tidal wave sweep them all to the side of the arena.)Agori: Help! It's magical!Green glatorian: Never fear, I am hear! (He shoots a thornax at Hahli, which hits her in the face.)Hahli: How dare you hit a ga-matora... I mean toa! (She fires a blast of water so hard that the force knocks the glatorian out.) Oops. Now, does anybody here have an iBrick? Oh, I forgot. You're a primitive, barbaric, tribal, uncivilized, low tech, society that doesn't even speak matoran! (She walks back into the space ship, dragging the robot behind her.)Gaaki: How'd it go?Hahli: Fine, just a bunch of crazy matoran who speak jibberish.Gaaki: Wait a sec. If they were “just” crazy matoran, what happened to the robot?Hahli: Who knows? A faulty circuit?BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!Lewa: What was that?Kopaka: It was coming from the air lock.BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!(Four Skrall walk into the control room. One of them has scraps of broken air lock on his razor shield.)Skrall 1: Surrender! We have you surrounded on four sides! If you move we will destroy you!On the next chapter of Bionicle: Mission Space:What will happen to our brave crew of the Flying Madu, facing an entire civilization?Word count: 997Updated Crew List:Krika - Chief of Delta ControlHakann - Ship JanitorGaaki - Captain of the Flying MaduKopaka - Chief Missions AdvisorGali - Captain's AssistantTahu - Devoured By DragonLewa - Crew memberVezok - Floating off in space somewhere.Hahli - Crew memberPohatu - Crew memberHewkii - Crew memberJaller - Crew member

Edited by Toarobot18, Feb 22 2012 - 11:29 PM.

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#5 Online MT Zehvor

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Posted Feb 21 2012 - 01:34 PM

Man I haven't seen you in forever.Anyways, this is just as good as I remember it. Nice opening four chapters.-MT
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#6 Offline Toarobot18

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Posted Feb 21 2012 - 03:55 PM

Nice to see you again, Zehvor, and thanks! Sorry if this chapter is hard to read. (Although you've probably read it before.) Just try to get your translators and translation stones straight. It's probably going to be a bit confusing!

CHAPTER FIVE

Last time on Bionicle: Mission Space, the crew of the Flying Madu were attacked inside their spaceship by four tyrannic, treacherous, terrifying, terrible skrall!BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!Lewa: What was that?Kopaka: It was coming from the air lock.BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!(Four Skrall walk into the control room. One of them has scraps of broken air lock on his razor shield.)Skrall 1: Surrender! We have you surrounded on four sides! If you move we will destroy you!Gaaki: Hahli! Take the robot's translating device!Hahli: But it doesn't have Crazish programed in! In might be able to translate a bit though. Not very well...(Hahli turns on the translator.)Skrall 1: I said not to move!Translator: I tried not to groove!Hahli: Good for you. Gaaki, Gali, let's combine our water and drive them out of here!Skrall 2: Don't speak!Translator: Geek speak!Hahli: How dare you! I speak normally! Don't I, Jaller?Skrall 2: What did I say?! If you have to speak, speak Agorian! Not this gibberish!Translator: What does he matter? If you have to speak, speak to me! Not to that gibbon!Hahli: You called Jaller a gibbon! Now you're in for it...Skrall 3: Krocachers! Hand me my translating stone!Translator: Kick her! Hand me my trashing stone!Hahli: Like you can kick me...Skrall 4 (His name is Krocachers, by the way): Here you go.Translator: Hear that goat?Hahli: Me a goat? Look who's talking!Translation stone: Eat a goat! That's who's talking!Skrall 1: You want to eat goats eh? Get her, boys! Beat her up!Translator: Want to eat goats? Yeah! Better boys, eat her up!Hahli: They're going to eat me! Jaller! Save me! (Pretending to be weak and helpless.)Translation stone: They're really dead meat! Pee! Jaller! Brave them!Skrall 3: Attack!!! Get the blue one!Translator: Attack!!! Get the goo one!Jaller: That's it!!Translation stone: You #@#%&#/!!(All the Skrall turn towards Jaller.)Skrall 4: Kill him!!(Skrall 2 brings up a razor shield to destroy Jaller.)Hahli: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!(Skrall 2's head lands on floor.)Hahli: Oops.(Skrall 4 shoots Hahli with a thornax, Hahli falls unconscious.)Gaaki: Attack! Kopaka! Hewkii! Gali! Fight!(Kopaka freezes Skrall 3.)(Skrall 1 cuts off Hewkii's leg.)(Gali knocks out Skrall 1.)(Skrall 4 wounds Kopaka.)(Lewa knocks out Skrall 4.)Lewa and Gaaki: Are you okay Hewkii?(No response.)Gaaki: Where does it hurt?(No response.)Gaaki: If you tell me what's wrong I can try to fix it!(No response.)Gaaki: Do you need a band aid?(No response.)Gaaki: HEWKII!Next time on Bionicle: Mission Space:What will happened to Hewkii? Is he dead? Or alive? Or mortally wounded?What about the Skrall's reinforcements?What will they do with the unconscious skrall?Word count: 357

Edited by Toarobot18, Feb 22 2012 - 11:23 PM.

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#7 Offline Toarobot18

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Posted Feb 22 2012 - 10:51 AM

CHAPTER SIX

In the last chapter of Bionicle: Mission Space, a terrible battle was fought because of a couple of translating devices. Now, Hewkii lays hurt or dead. What will our brave crew do?Lewa and Gaaki: Are you okay Hewkii?(No response.)Gaaki: Where does it hurt?(No response.)Gaaki: If you tell me what's wrong I can try to fix it!(No response.)Gaaki: Do you need a band aid?(No response.)Gaaki: HEWKII!Lewa: Is he breathing?Kopaka: No need to shift all the attention to the one who's going to die anyway... I'm hurt too!Gaaki: (Ignoring Kopaka.) He's breathing, but not very well.Hewkii: (Mumbling.) Macku... No I didn't... It wasn't me, I promise! Please Macku, believe me!Gali: Huh?Kopaka: Yep, he's done for. Now can someone get me a bandage?Gali: I think Hewkii needs treatment right away.Gaaki: How? Our robot's broken, and the first-aid kit was in the storage closet, which was destroyed during the meteorite storm.Kopaka: Yep! It's hopeless.Gali: Yep! He's heartless.Kopaka: Watch what you say, or I'll tell them about the time when you--Gali: OK, I get it.Gaaki: Well we can't just sit here and let Hewkii die! We have to go get some help!Kopaka: Yeah, right. "Hi Mr. Weirdo. We're sorry about that little incident at the space ship. Um... Could you just give us some meds? And we won't bother you again!"Lewa: I've got it! We take the creepy guys' armor off and...Gali: What?Lewa: Put it on! We can pretend to be one of them!Kopaka: I'm not wearing their armor...Gaaki: Pohatu! Gali! Lewa! Take off your armor and put on theirs.Gali: I'm not wearing boys armor.Gaaki: Oh yes you are!(Pohatu, Lewa, and Gali take off their adaptive armor and put on the skrall's armor.)Gali: Eeeeew! This is all ugly and black and slimy and gross and weird and disgusting and masculine and smelly and--Kopaka: GALI!Pohatu: Wow, these creepies are very squishy and organic. What should we do with their bodies?Kopaka: Well, the garbage disposal might still work...Hakann: They might wake up soon. ... Let's lock them in Tahu's bedroom.Gaaki: All right, I want you to go to the nearest village and look for medica--Skrall 5: (From inside the broken airlock.) I wonder what happened. They've been in there for ages...Translator: I wander through happens, they feel good in their four age.Gaaki: More uglies! Everybody but Lewa, Pohatu, and Gali, hide! And turn off that translator!(Everbody but those three hide, the translator is turned off.)Skrall 6: (From outside The Flying Madu spaceship) Let's go in and check it out!(Skrall 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 walk into the control room.)Skrall 7: Krocachers, Skrackal, Fenrook, and Blustsuk report! What took you so long?Pohatu: (Wispering.) I think he's trying to talk to us! What should we do?Gali: (Wispering.) I have an idea.(Gali points her finger toward the engine room and then puts a finger over her lips.)Skrall 5: I think he wants us to be quiet. There is still someone in that room.Skall 8: (Wispering.) Let's ambush them!(Skrall 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 walk into engine room.)Gali: Now! While their backs are turned!(Using their enhanced Toa Nuva powers and masks, Gali, Pohatu, and Lewa easily defeat the powerless and unsuspecting skrall.)Hakkan: And five more guests for Tahu's room!Gaaki: Quickly! Before more come, go and search around for something that could help Hewkii!(Gali, Pohatu, and Lewa, dressed in skrall armor, exit the Flying Madu and walk into the arena, where the find a group of cheering agori.)Agori: Oh yeah, oh yeah, you did it, you did it! Yooou are aaaaawesooome! Go, go, skrall! Go, go, skrall!Lewa: Let's leave before someone search-finds that we're not really creepy-uglies.(Lewa, Gali, and Pohatu leave the arena with the spaceship in it, and head down a dusty, sandy, road.)Lewa: I'm singing in the dust, just singing in the dust! What a glorious feeling, I'm bo-red again! I'm laughing at sand, so gray, sort of! The sun's in my face, I'm-- Gali, don't shove! Let the sandy storms chase, everyone from the place! And poor Hewkii's slain, I've a frown on my face! I walk down the lane, with a bad-lame refrain, Just singin', singin', in the dust! Dancin' in the dust--Gali: OK...... Well, the “bo-red again” part makes sense. Let's move on.Pohatu: Didn't we leave Kardas floating in space?Lewa: Yes. Why-ask?Pohatu: Cause if I'm not mistaken, there he is!(Something large and t-rex/dragonish approaches from farther down the road.)Gali: You are mistaken. There's someone riding it, and he's not Vezok. Therefore, it mustn't be Kardas, as he would never let-Lewa: Oh, don't get logical with me. The main reason it's not Kardas is that it's completely red, and it's smaller.Pohatu: Not much smaller...Gali: It's getting very close, and he's still riding it very fast! He won't be able to stop in time! It'll crash into us!Lewa: I think that's his thought-intention.(The dragon-thing comes riding at them at a tremendous speed and--In the next chapter of Bionicle: Mission Space:What will happen to Lewa, Pohatu, and Gali?And what of the rest of the crew?And Hewkii?Word Count: 803

Edited by Toarobot18, Feb 22 2012 - 11:24 PM.

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#8 Offline Toarobot18

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Posted Feb 22 2012 - 11:17 PM

CHAPTER SEVEN

Last time in the amazing adventures of Bionicle: Mission Space, you saw three Toa Nuva about to be attacked by a terrible beastie!Gali: It's getting very close, and he's still riding it very fast! He won't be able to stop in time! It'll crash into us!Lewa: I think that's his thought-intention.(The dragon-thing comes riding at them at a tremendous speed and smashes into the three, trampling Gali, and knocking out Pohatu.)Bone hunter (The guy riding the dragon-thing): Ha! Fools! Traveling at this time of day! Serves them right that I will be ridding them of their weapons and armor! ... And now to deal with that weird green glatorian...Lewa: Gali! You okay?Gali: (Standing up in broken, cracked, and crumbled armor.) I'm fine! I couldn't be better! An excuse to take of this ugly and black and slimy and gross and-Lewa: Not this aga--(The bone hunter throws his sword at Lewa, impaling him.)Gali: What! Now I have to give meds to two toa! You're going to get it now!Bone hunter: Does that nonsense-talking skrall with broken armor think he can fight me? And boy, does he have a high pitched voice!Gali: Hi Ugly, meet elemental powers. Elemental powers, meet Ugly. (She shoots a blast of water down the red-thing's (rock steed's) mouth, which causes it to choke, which causes it to fall over, which causes “Ugly” to hit his head quite hard.)Well Lewa, this is what you get for interrupting me...Lewa: Ju-- Ju-- Ju-- Just pull.... Just pull... Just pull the swo-- rd ou...t.(Gali pulls the sword out.)Gali: And now for the fun bit!(Gali uses the sword to cut the skrall's armor off her body, and then she chops it to bits.)Gali: Oops.Pohatu: (Waking up from unconsciousness.) No! Please stop Gahlok-Kal! I hate Mahi! Noooo! Tahu!!!!!Gali: Ummm... Pohatu?Pohatu: Kopaka save me! Use the Hau! No! I'm buried! It's hard to breath under all this rumble!Lewa: Whaa-- whaaa-- what? I... ughh.... (Lewa passes out.)Pohatu: Onua! Let's reflect Tahnok-Kals lighting bolts and--Gali: Great! Now I'm stuck with a unconscious Lewa and a crazy Poha--(The T-rex-dragon-rock-steed-thing, having recovered from almost choking to death, stands up and steps on the armor-less Gali, heavily wounding her, then kicks Pohatu out again.)--And now, let's go check on our friends back inside the spaceship “Flying Madu” inside the Glatorian arena.--Gaaki: There's not much hope left for poor Hewkii I'm afraid.Hakann: (Sob.) He was such a good friend. He never punched me, never kicked me. He never, not even once stole something from me. And after all the things I took from hi-- Never mind.Hahli: I know. If I didn't have Jaller, he'd be my next choice...Jaller: Choice? What are you talking about?Hahli: (Blushing.) Uh... nothing. Never mind.Kopaka: (Who's finally gotten his bandage, by the way.): Did you smell something?Jaller: It wasn't me!Kopaka: No, I mean smoke.Hakann: It does seem to be getting a bit hot in here...In the next chapter of Bionicle: Mission Space:What will happen to the three unconscious Toa Nuva, left in the middle of a street with an angry rock steed?And what of the smoke?Word count: 452

Edited by Toarobot18, Jul 04 2012 - 07:45 PM.

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#9 Offline Skarloth

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Posted Feb 22 2012 - 11:55 PM

DUDE I REMEMBER THIS!!!!! :D Jeez... I never thought you would continue it! I'll definitely be keeping up with this, for sure. (By the way, I'm Kazi/Kpik/Didact :P)Epic to see that this is back up, Toarobot. -Skar
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#10 Offline Toarobot18

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Posted Feb 23 2012 - 12:27 AM

Glad to see it wasn't forgotten! Now if only people would remember my other comedies... :lol: Ah well, Mission Space was always the star anyway. (Heh heh. Space, star. Anyway...) Thanks for visiting!Since I've got readers, here's another rather short chapter:

CHAPTER EIGHT

In the last chapter of Bionicle: Mission Space, the crew of the grounded Flying Madu were getting a bit too hot...Kopaka: (Who's finally gotten his bandage, by the way.): Did you smell something?Jaller: It wasn't me!Kopaka: No, I mean smoke.Hakann: It does seem to be getting a bit hot in here...Gaaki: Do you hear a fire crackling? I do.Kopaka: I have a bad feeling about this...Gaaki: Jaller, you're the toa of fire. Where's the fire coming from?Jaller: I think it's outside the spaceship. Around it.Gaaki: Well I think we should abandon the ship, or put the fire out, as it's getting very hot in here. Either way, someone has to go outside. Hahli, you're the toa of water so--Hahli: So are you.Gaaki: But I'm the boss. Now, Hahli, go out the airlock and put the fire out.(Hahli heads out of the control room, down the hallway, and to the airlock. But although she was expecting the former “airlock” to be just be a hole on the side of the spaceship leading to the arena, as the skrall had destroyed the real airlock, she found the hole blocked up with a giant stone block, covered with iron reinforcements, and welded in place.)Gali: They've trapped us in! I've got to warn the others! They could use the skrall's shields to cut a new-- Oh! I, I, I feel so weak-- (She passes out from the heat.)--Back inside the control room--Hakann: (Singing.) It's getting hotter in here, it's getting hotter in here...Gaaki: It's been a while, she should have put the fire out by now. And it's just getting hotter and hott-ter... (She passes out.)Jaller: Girls. It's not hot at all. Why, it feels like a summer breeze--Kopaka: For you. (He makes an ice room around him.)Hakann: You're right, Jaller. It's not that hot.Jaller: I could just draw out the heat and make it colder. (He prepares to do this.) Why didn't I think of that be--(He gets hit by a thornax.)Hakann: What? (He turns towards the way the thornax came and... gets hit by a thornax.)Kopaka: (Turning and seeing a couple of fire glatorian.) You have to be kidding me. (He breaks out of the ice room and starts to fire an ice blast... and passes out from the heat.)--And now, let's check how our unconscious Toa Nuva friends on the dusty path to an unknown village are doing:--Rock Steed: Raahhhr! (Seeing no movement, and its master dead, it starts to walk away, when a dart hits it, and it falls over. Again.)Fire Agori: Well, well, well, what do we have here. A dead criminal, two dead or unconscious strakk, some broken strakk armor, and a weird looking water glatorian. I say, this will be interesting to report! Hey! Officer Korkstron! (Another fire agorian walks up.) Do you think this could be related to those weirdos that fell out of the sky?(Author's note: The “strakk” and “weird looking water glatorian” are really Pohatu, Lewa, and Gali.)Officer Korkstron: Well, it doesn't matter anyway, I just got some news. The fire plan worked, and they've moved all the “wierdos” to Daankstren prison. As for these guys, we will have to put them on trial.Fire Agori: Officer Bladdoom! Haul these bodies onto the cart, we will take them over to the prison 'till their trial.In the next chapter of Bionicle: Mission Space:The trial of Lewa, Gali, and Pohatu!The fate of the rest of the crew!And Daankstren prison...Word count: 529

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#11 Offline Toarobot18

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Posted Feb 23 2012 - 05:18 PM

CHAPTER NINE

PART ONE of THREE

In the last chapter of Bionicle: Mission Space, the crew of the Flying Madu had been thrown in prison, and three of them awaited trial...In a dark, dank, dirty, and depressing cell, containing the prisoners 200452 (Lewa disguised as a skrall), 200453 (Pohatu disguised as a skrall), and 200454 (Gali), Prisoner 200454 opened her eyes...Gali: Where am I? (She looks around.) It looks like a prison cell. I wonder how I got here? (She spots Pohatu and Lewa.) Well, at least they've bandaged Lewa. I wonder if Pohatu is still crazy? (She shakes Pohatu.)Pohatu: No Dume, this must be a mistake! You wouldn't throw me under the coliseum just for eating an endangered visorak, now would you?Gali: (Sarcastically) Pohatu, I've a feeling we're not in Metru Nui anymore. Well I guess I should let Lewa rest. As for Pohatu, he's off in La-La Land. But that's not anything unusual...In cell 321, four cells down from Gali & Friends:(In the middle of a heated argument.)Hakann: Well if we could escape, then at least they'd have a chance!Kopaka: They're probably dead anyway! And if we try to escape, and they catch us, think how bad we'd look in a trial!Hakann: They won't catch us, they're elementless dunces! And who said they'd give us a trial?Gaaki: Enough, enough! Kopaka's right. And I think Lewa, Gali, and Pohatu will be fine! Why, with Lewa's strong body, Gali's strong will, and Pohatu's strong mind, nothing could stop them! Why, even if a dinosaur ran into that guy, he wouldn't suffer a headache!Hakaan: (Crossing fingers.) I guess you're right...Kopaka: So we stay here?Gaaki: We stay here.Hahli: Well Jaller, since we might be in here a long time, could you consider a little, private, talk with me?Jaller: Well, I guess, if it's important.Hahli: Oh, it's life changing!Jaller: OK.(Jaller goes with Hali to the corner.)Jaller: So, I suppose it's about Lewa, Gali, and Pohatu. It's OK. I feel for them too. I hope they will be alrigh--Hahli: (Frowning.) No. It's not that... You know, I-- I-- I...Jaller: It's OK. You don't need to be embarrassed. I will miss them too.Hahli: You, know, Jaller, I've always admired you, and--Jaller: (Frowning.) Isn't this a bit off topic? I thought you had something life changing to say!Hahli: But this is life changing! Jaller... Jaller I love--Jaller: Hewkii. I know. It must be really hard for you, now that he's dieing. But at least the jail gaurds gave him some medicine. (Jaller quickly walks away.)Hahli: I sooo ruined that! I shouldn't have been so abrupt! Maybe if I can make him jealous...Back in the three Toa Nuvas' cell, a knock is heard at the door:Gali: Yes?Pohatu: NOT THE VAHKI!!!(A fire glatorian opens the door.)Fire glatorian: So sorry, water glatorian, about the lock-up. Just security measures before your trial.Gali: I can't understand a word you're saying, babbleface.Fire glatorian: (Thinking.) I guess I'll need my two-way translator I always carry around. (He pulls out a very large device.)Author's note: Don't worry, this one translates better than the last two...Fire glatorian: Come, follow me. Bring your friends, the two skrall, and please hurry. It's time for your trial!(Gali hauls Lewa over her shoulder, and drags him towards the door.)Gali: I can't pull both Poha- I mean the skrall over there and this one, as one's hurt and the other one's crazy.Fire glatorian: I'll pull the other skrall.(He grabs Pohatu.)Pohatu: NOOO! PLEASE DON'T THROW ME IN THE VOLCANO!Fire glatorian: What?!Gali: He's crazy, remember?Fire glatorian: Oh. Well, follow me then.(The fire glatorian, Gali, Lewa, and Pohatu, each are either dragged or walk down a long corridor, through a few stone rooms, down some stairs, up some stairs, down some stairs, through a triple bolted door labeled “ɸʥʯΘΔ ʥψψϷ” (trial room), and into a huge room with many seats, two of which are filled by a fire agori and a water glatorian. (Whose names are Fraakask and Meta.))

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#12 Offline Toarobot18

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Posted Feb 27 2012 - 02:36 PM

CHAPTER NINE

PART TWO of THREE

Staring G.S./P.G.S. “Glatorian Meta” (Toa Meta)

Fraakask: (Using a translator.) Welcome, glatorian, to the trial of case 56678, of the death of a criminal bone hunter. I am your judge, Glatorian Meta will be your lawyer.Gali: Who's the crinimal's lawyer?Fraakask: Crinimals don't get lawyers.Pohatu: DIE!!! EVIL PIRAKA!Fraakask: Excuse me?Gali: Sorry, a dragon ran into him and augmented his existing mental illness.Fraakask: I see. Meta, could you escort this glatorian to the medic wing?(Meta takes Pohatu away.)Fraakask: Okay. Now we start. Let the other skrall explain what happened first.Gali: Oh, you mean Lewa? He got impaled by a sword, so he's not in a talking condition.Fraakask: Meta!(Meta walks back in.)Glatorian Meta: Yes?Fraakask: Take this skrall away.(Meta takes Lewa away.)Fraakask: Well, I guess there's just you left. Meta! Come here! The trial will begin.(Meta comes back in.)Fraakask: So, water glatorian, explain what happened.Gali: Well, this weird creepy-looking guy came riding a tiny kardas dragon--Fraakask: A rock steed?Gali: I guess. Any way, he ran over me and Pohatu, crushing my armor, and then the weird earth guy--Fraakask: A bone hunter?Gali: Probably. Well--Fraakask: Meta! Since we have gathered sufficient proof, what will the sentence be?Gali: But we were defending ourselves! We didn't--Glatorian Meta: Well, the bone hunter is already dead. But as punishment for his master's great evil dead, the steed will be put down.Fraakask: Case closed. As glatorian are required to wear armor in court, a fine of 250 crotsch shells will be--Gali: But I'm not a glatorian!Fraakask: WHAT?Gali: I'm a toa!Glatorian Meta: As the lawyer of this gla-- toa, I declare, as he is not a glatorian, that he should not have to pay the fine.Fraakask: Fine! But, what's a toa?Gali: I'm the same as those people who crash landed in the arena--Fraakask: You! One of them?!Glatorian Meta: But I've talked to the prisoners, and it wasn't their fault! They lost control and--Fraakask: New sentence! This, toa! And his--Gali: Her.Fraakask: Her two friends will serve a lifetime sentence in jail, followed by an execution!Gali: But that's impossible! You can't serve a lifetime sentence and an execution!Fraakask: Okay, revoke the lifetime sentence part!Gali: But--Glatorian Meta: No, please! They don't deserve to die!Fraakask: Do you want to join him?Glatorian Meta: I'd rather join them in a lifetime sentence then have you exec--Fraakask: Okay, let the execution include you as well, you defiant scoundrel!Glatorian Meta: NOOO!Gali: Wait, please! Fraakask: (To the fire glatorian that brought Gali here.) You! Get the gaurds! Haul these two, and the other two, off to the execution platform!Gali: NOOO! I-- I-- Wait! Watch! (Gali blasts a nearby container with water, filling it.)Fraakask: What?!Gali: See, I can control water!Fraakask: Control water indeed. Why, when your head is rolling on the--Gali: Watch! (Gali controls the water, forming it into different shapes.) And Hewkii and Pohatu can do that with stone! They could make you buildings and walls and--Fraakask: Don't be silly, stone's not a liquid! You can't form it like you can with water! You have to carve it!Gali: Well, I don't know how he does it! Ask GregF!Fraakask: Who's Greg--Gali: Never mind, I don't know either. Fraakask: OK...Gali: If you don't believe me, heal Hewkii!Fraakask: Well, I'll give it a chance, 'cause if you're right I might be promoted... But if you're not I'll include your friends from the flying ship in the execution.Gali: If we make a bunch of buildings, walls, arenas, water, resources, fertile soil, et cetera, will you help us repair our spaceship and let us, and Meta, go? Fraakask: I don't think you're in the position to...Gali: Well, we won't help you if you don't.Glatorian Meta: Please! I'll go with them in their ship, and you'll never see me again!Fraakask: If you have the power you say you do, and you don't help us, we'll execute you.Gali: (Lying.) Well we still won't help you. So it's either you kill us and don't get the resources, or you don't, and keep them.Fraakask: Well, we'll see whether you have the powers, then we'll discuss your options.

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#13 Online MT Zehvor

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Posted Feb 27 2012 - 03:54 PM

Mission Space has always been my favorite.Gali and Fraakask's discussion about GregF was probs favorite scene.KUTGW.-MT
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#14 Offline Toarobot18

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Posted Feb 27 2012 - 09:07 PM

Thanks! Just curious (to get an idea on where to throw my precious writing energies), which of my other comedies is your favorite after Mission Space?
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#15 Offline Toarobot18

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Posted Mar 06 2012 - 03:25 PM

CHAPTER NINE

PART THREE of THREE

Several days later, in an arena similar to the one the Flying Madu crashed into, the entire crew is gathered (including Lewa and Hewkii, who've been healed by the agori) and hundreds of agori and glatorian are gathered to watch the spectacle:

Fraakask: Remember, it's not my fault if they made this whole power-thing up...Ice agori: Yeah, yeah, how many times are you going to tell us that?Fire agori: Yes! Get to the point! We want to see what the weirdos can do!Fraakask: Might do.Jungle glatorian: We get it, we're not going to behead you just 'cause you brought a couple hundred agori to watch and nothing happens! Well, we probably won't...Fire tribe leader: Activate the translator! Alright “toa”--Hakann: I'm not a toa! I'm a piraka!Fire tribe leader: Alright “piraka”--Hahli: I am not a piraka!Fire tribe leader: Alright “toa” and “piraka,” show us your demonstration! Oh, and by the way, the next person to interrupt me gets to have their head put on display.Pohatu: I didn't do it! Makuta framed us! We were just innocent toa minding our own business and then the Vahki brought us here! Dume is a fake! You are a fake!Fire tribe leader: And have that one put back in his cell!(Two fire glatorian drag Pohatu away.)Gaaki: Sorry about that... Now Hewkii, show them what you can do!Hewkii: Well, I can absorb energy from fruits and fish, and I can poke people with my spear, and I can make stuff out of rock--Gaaki: Show us.(Hewkii makes a large rock hut surrounded by walls out of stone.)Hewkii: Tah-dah! I can make other things too, like giant fists of stone, weapons, I can take rock out of the ground to make caves, and a whole bunch of other things. Of course, I can't control water like Hahli or ice like Kopa--Fire tribe leader: Who cares about them! They don't matter! All we need is you, Hufkey or whatever you said your name--Hahli: Excuse me, but I matter!Jaller: (Whispering.) Shut up, Hahli! We just want them to let us go, remember?(Hahli hides behind Jaller and starts crying.)Fire tribe leader: What an insolent creature!Hahli: Did you hear that Jaller? He called you an insolent creature! That's for ignoring me!Jaller: He was talking about you!Hahli: Oh. (Commence crying again.)Fire tribe leader: I have made my decision. We don't care about any of the rest of you. Hufkey will build us some buildings. In the meantime, you folks will wait in your cells. When he has finished, we will repair your flying ship and let you all go, including Hufkey. Glatorian Meta will go with you.(Hewkii is escorted away, the rest of the crew is taken back to their cells.)In a large, highly decorated, and elegantly carved cave, Fraakask talks to the Fire tribe leader.Fraakask: So it's a deal. I get promoted to the rank of fifth in command.Fire tribe leader: Yep, it's a deal.Fraakask: Are you serious about letting the creatures go?Fire tribe leader: No, of course not. We'll employ Hufkey for the general benefit of all the tribes, then we'll tell the other tribes we've let him go. But we'll really use him as a secret weapon, to make us weapons, walls, and equipment. With him working for us, we'll be the most powerful of the tribes!Fraakask: But what about the others?Fire tribe leader: The water ones may be useful, to feed our agori, but we will kill the rest. Fraakask: And their flying ship?Fire tribe leader: No problem. We'll dissemble it, pretend they flew away in it, and take the pieces back to our tribe. It's full of high tech equipment which could be useful for us.Fraakask: Sounds like a plan. But what about that disloyal lawyer, Glatorian Meta?Fire tribe leader: He can be... disposed of.Fraakask: What if one of the other tribes finds out about this? Fire tribe leader: It doesn't matter. We'll be so powerful that they won't be able to do a thing about it.Fraakask: Should I have the non-water creatures executed right now?Fire tribe leader: No. Not yet. Not 'till we pretend they've flown away. What if another tribe member wants to see one of them? But don't worry, we can get rid of them soon.Fraakask: Good. Their powers are making me a bit nervous...In the next chapter of Bionicle: Mission Space:What of Hewkii's work?Will the other toa be executed?Word count for part one of Chapter 9: 669Word count for part two: 724Word count for part three: 755Word count for the entire chapter: 2148

Edited by Toarobot18, Jul 07 2012 - 05:03 PM.

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#16 Online MT Zehvor

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Posted Mar 20 2012 - 07:49 PM

Thanks! Just curious (to get an idea on where to throw my precious writing energies), which of my other comedies is your favorite after Mission Space?

Don't know. Never read any of them besides this.Clearly this one is the best, and all your energies should be thrown into making a movie adaption.That said, good chappy. The fire tribe leader was great.-MT

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#17 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jul 03 2012 - 11:58 AM

CCC Review:You asked for 1-5 or 5-9…I’m just going to do 1-5 as it makes the most sense, and I might throw in a couple notes from 5-9 because it’s kind of hard to ignore that you’ve posted more.Mechanics: Chapter 1:

All around the bustling complex, toa, piraka, matoran, and various other beings were running here or there, or typing at fast speeds numerous number sequences in 4 different languages.

It should be “Toa, Piraka, Matoran” as per the convention to capitalize these species names. Also, number sequences aren’t part of a language – the proper word to use would be “number systems” instead of languages if they really were different, but I seriously doubt that there is more than one number system among Matoran Universe inhabitants. If you were using “languages” to describe their actions in general, the sentence could have been phrased better, as it easily leads to the contradictory thing I’ve just described. * * *Starting each chapter with a recap of the end of the last one is okay, but is somewhat unnecessary, considering that the reader can always look up. This is especially true of Chapters 3&4, considering that they are both in the same post.* * *Chapter 5:

On “Barren Magnus,” in a large stone arena...Ice tribe leader: The tribe with the winning glatorian will gain control of the Coxvent river... and the losing tribe will receive 200 thornax fruit! Let the game begin!Jungle tribe leader: Bring in the targets!(Two giant stone things that resemble canisters are rolled in.)Ice tribe leader: Let in the glatorian!(Two stone doors slide open inside the arena and a white and a green glatorian walk out.)Jungle tribe leader: Three... two... one... attack! For victory! For glory! For power!(The green glatorian fires and misses.)(The white glatorian fires and hits the target.)Ice tribe leader: Negative one life point for the jungle tribe!(The green glatorian fires and hits the white glatorian.)Jungle tribe leader: Negative two life points for the ice tribe!(The white glatorian fires and hits the green glatorian.)Ice tribe leader: Negative two life points for the jungle tribe!(The green glatorian fires and misses.)(The white glatorian fires and hits the target.)Ice tribe leader: Negative one life point for the jungle tribe! That brings us to one point left for the jungle tribe and three points left for the ice tribe. It looks like we're-- (At this time, he chances to look up, and sees something falling very fast towards the arena.) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!(The Flying Madu comes crashing down, landing on the white glatorian.)Jungle tribe leader: (Peering into the dust and seeing only one glatorian.) It looks like we've won! Victory for the Jungle Tribe!

I like the reference to the Glatorian sets' Thornax shooting game. :)Chapter 9:

Fire glatorian: (Thinking.) I guess I'll need my two-way translator I always carry around. (He pulls out a very large device.)

That strikes me as a deu ex machina – he just so happens to have a good translation device.* * *This is where this story really falls apart – it doesn’t draw the characters out very well. There’s no particular reason why Krika is the “Chief of Delta Control” or why Hakann is the captain of the Flying Madu – it could have easily been the other way around. All the other Toa seem to be randomly thrown in there, with no real purpose for their existence whatsoever except to provide punching bags for miscellaneous enemies.And why are Hakann, Gaaki, etc in space? There doesn’t seem to be much of a reason behind it, except to make a few cheap jokes about it. Making this a comedy isn’t an excuse for not having a plot, and there isn’t a plot here because there’s nothing at stake. If, for example, Hakann and Co. had to deliver some vital piece of cargo with their ship or take information into a war zone, the suspense of that would keep me reading a whole lot better. The slapstick should complement a plot structure – this is a story, after all, and a story needs to have a plot, and a plot has to have a reason for existing besides a bunch of beings randomly getting into a spaceship and crash landing into a planet just to get killed! Or nearly so, anyway…That said, you are very good with the slapstick, but it doesn't take into account the unique personalities of the characters involved. For example:

Kopaka: Probably one of those iBricks. She's always listening to one.Hakann: But electronics were banned on the ship! They could cause interference with the computer! Kopaka! You find Hahli and deal with this!(Kopaka walks up to the door to Hahli's bunk room, walks in, and finds Hahli lying on her bed with an iBrick.)Kopaka: You know those aren't alou-- Hey, I'll make a deal. I won't turn this in if you let me listen.Hahli: Well... I mean... my music hasn't been filtered and it might not be appropriate for a toa of your maturity... and it's by After Dark...Kopaka: But I love unfiltered music! (He grabs her iBrick and listens.)

Hakann's derisive comment to Kopaka here doesn't really fit his personality that much...it seems that he would be more the type to go hunt Hahli down himself and take pleasure from Hahli's complaints about taking the brick away. And Kopaka likes rap? That does not make any sense at all. In fact, given his Ko-personality, he would prefer complete silence. If this sequence was meant to be ironic, then it does quite badly at it, because it's easy for me to imagine Hahli liking the type of music she likes there. I feel as if you started with a space story and then slapped Bionicle character's names on it so you could put it in this forum, which I'm sure wasn't your intention.I'm starting to note this as a recurring problem for you - a minor problem with the Bionicle Entrepeneur was how you characterized Kopaka - and as such, I encourage you to think about the personalities of the characters you are using and how they would react to whatever situation you have placed them in. That would drastically improve this comedy, along with a reason for Hakann and Co. to be out in space.As it stands, though, I'm going to give you a 4/10 for now. :( I'm sorry, but it just isn't there. :(

Edited by fishers64, Jul 03 2012 - 12:05 PM.

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#18 Offline Toarobot18

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Posted Jul 03 2012 - 07:10 PM

My response to the CCC review:
Spoiler

CHAPTER TEN

In the last chapter of Bionicle: Mission Space, the fire tribe leader and Fraakask were discussing the crew's “options":Fraakask: Should I have the non-water creatures executed right now?Fire tribe leader: No. Not yet. Not 'till we pretend they've flown away. What if another tribe member wants to see one of them? But don't worry, we can get rid of them soon.Fraakask: Good. Their powers are making me a bit nervous...--In Cell 55555, where all the crew of the Flying Madu have been moved to, with the exception of Hewkii.--Hahli: Hey Lewa!Lewa: Yes?Hahli: Come over here, I have to talk to you!Lewa: (Walking over to the corner where Hahli is standing.) Well? What's the fuss-panic about?Hahli: OK. Well, um, you see... Me and Jaller, I mean--Lewa: I know you like-love him, if that's what you're trying to say.Hahli: Err, yes. Well... I was thinking that you could help me. I mean, I'm trying to get him jealous, and--Lewa: Sure! What do I have to do?Hahli: Just come with me, and go along with whatever I say.Lewa: OK.(Lewa and Hahli walk over to Jaller.)Hahli: Hey Jaller! I wanted you to meet my new boyfriend, Lew--Lewa: I AM NOT your boyfriend!Hahli: Very funny, Lewa. (Whispering.) Your pretending, remember?Lewa: WELL, you didn't tell me I was pretending that!Jaller: Pretending what?Lewa: She wanted me to preten--Hahli: SHHHHHH!Jaller: Nice try, Hahli.(Jaller walks away.)(Lewa walks away.)Hahli: (Sob, sob, sob, cry, cry, cry, waa, waa, waa, boo, hoo, hoo...)......Hahli: That's it! I'm leaving! They don't deserve to have me here anymore!(Hahli breaks the cell's lock using a concentrated stream of water.)Hahli: (Opening the door and stepping out.) Goodbye, Jaller! Boy, he'll miss me now when he finds I've left! But It'll be too late then!(Hahli leaves, shutting the door behind her.)Hahli: Let's see, left or right?(She heads left down the hallway.)Hahli: (She opens a door.) What's in this one? Let's see... a block with an ax. I wonder what that's for. (Opens another door.) Hmm... This room looks like a storage room. Those are those spiky zamor spheres the weird big guys had. (Opens another.) And this-- (Closes door.) Oops. Someone in there. I hope he didn't see me. (She sees that door's handle turn.) He's coming out! (She opens a door one down, runs in, and closes the door.) Alright, a meeting room. Lots of chairs. Hey, maybe I can hide in that closet-- (Spots the handle turning.) He followed me! (Hahli jumps into the closet, slams the door, and turns on the translator the judge gave her, just as a fire agori and Fraakask enter the room, shutting the door behind them. Fraakask looks around nervously.)Fire agori: Did you just here something?Fraakask: No.Fire agori: I thought I-- Well, never mind. Now, why did you bring me here? I don't see why we can't talk in the room next door.Fraakask: Like I said, this is confidential. I wouldn't want being caught talking about it to an ordinary jail guard!Fire agori: Alright, fine. (He locks the door.) You did promise you'd tell me what we're going to do with element weirdos! Now tell me.Fraakask: Alright. So here's the plan. We keep them all here. Then we pretend they flew away, and take the flying ship apart for parts. We keep the water weirdos, and the rock guy, and then we kill all the rest.Hahli: GASP!Fire agori: I'm sure I heard something that time! From the closet!Fraakask: Right. It's probably one of our leader's spies. If he tells him that I told you... You open the closet, I'll bash his brains out.Fire agori: Got it.Hahli: Oh no you won't! (She blasts gallons of water under the closet door, knocking both of them over.)Fraakask: IT'S A WATER WIERDO!Hahli: (Opening door the.) Take that! (Water blast.) Take that! (Water blast.) And that! (Water blast.) And this! (Water blast.) And-- Oh. They're already dead. Toa don't kill... THE WATER DID IT! NOT MY FAULT! I have to tell the rest of the crew! I have to save Jaller! (She unlocks the door, causing hundreds of gallons of water to spill out into the hallway, runs down that hallway, and goes back into cell 55555, to find Jaller standing right on the other side of the cell's door.)Jaller: What! Hahli! What were you doing outside the cell? What if you were caught?Hahli: They're going to-- never mind.Jaller: What is it? What are they going to do?Hahli: I'm not telling.Jaller: What do you mean?Hahli: I'm not telling unless you promise to be my boyfriend for ever and ever.Jaller: And ever? Those are ridiculous terms! I'll never agree.Hahli: Go ahead, die then.Jaller: Well... It's a hard decision. Death or Hahli? How about this: I'll pretend to be your boyfriend, and you'll tell me what they're going to do.Hahli: Well you have to pretend very realistically. And you can't tell anybody else you're pretending.Jaller: This better be good...Hahli: He said that they will keep us all here.Jaller: DUH!Hahli: Then they will pretend we blasted off. Then keep all the water toa and Hewkii--Jaller: Sexist!Hahli: And kill the rest.Jaller: OK, got it!...Jaller: EVERYBODY IN THIS CELL! HAHLI WAS SPYING AND FOUND OUT THEY PLAN TO KILL US ALL!!! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!Hahli: And don't forget your half of the deal!Jaller: Whatever.In the next chapter of Bionicle: Mission Space:Will they escape?What about Hewkii?And Jaller + Hahli?Word count: 872

Edited by Toarobot18, Jul 04 2012 - 05:47 PM.

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#19 Online MT Zehvor

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Posted Jul 10 2012 - 08:45 AM

Hakann's derisive comment to Kopaka here doesn't really fit his personality that much...it seems that he would be more the type to go hunt Hahli down himself and take pleasure from Hahli's complaints about taking the brick away. And Kopaka likes rap? That does not make any sense at all. In fact, given his Ko-personality, he would prefer complete silence. If this sequence was meant to be ironic, then it does quite badly at it, because it's easy for me to imagine Hahli liking the type of music she likes there. I feel as if you started with a space story and then slapped Bionicle character's names on it so you could put it in this forum, which I'm sure wasn't your intention.

I think this point is worth addressing, even if this isn't my comedy that's being commented on.The basis as to why you seem to dislike the part of the comedy including Hakann and Kopaka stopping Gali from using her "iBrick," is that both Kopaka and Hakann are out of character from their Bionicle canon counterparts. To which I say: "Why does that matter?"Let me explain. In nearly all great comedies based off a certain set of characters in a story, the characters who appear from the story in the comedy have their personalities changed in order to add a better or funnier side to the story. For example, in Arby n' the Chief, Master Chief has his personality changed from the cold, calculating silent type he was in the Halo series to a foul-mouthed, sexist, moron who goes around wrecking people's stuff and giving the Arbiter a headache. And it's hilarious(or, at least, it was until season 6 or so).Or, for instance, we can take the example of Vezon in your comedy.

Vezon: Who are you?Drake: Doctor Drake, Ph. D of Matoran Era History. *whips out document*Vezon: ...Drake: Trust me, it's authentic. Do you know the way out of here?Vezon nods. The two of them walk to the first bend.Vezon: This way. This happens several times. Drake: This way. Vezon: What are you talking about?

Here, Vezon doesn't act at all like the insane blabbermouth he was in the Bionicle canon. Is that necessarily a bad thing? No, it's not, so long as the person's character is established in the comedy, and then stays relatively similar to that. But if the author changes the character's personality to fit in with his comedy, it's perfectly fine, and often works better than trying to force a story around an already specified set of personalities.Anyways, that took forever, so I'll get on with the review.

Fraakask: Right. It's probably one of our leader's spies. If he tells him that I told you... You open the closet, I'll bash his brains out.Fire agori: Got it.Hahli: Oh no you won't! (She blasts gallons of water under the closet door, knocking both of them over.)Fraakask: IT'S A WATER WIERDO!Hahli: (Opening door the.) Take that! (Water blast.) Take that! (Water blast.) And that! (Water blast.) And this! (Water blast.) And-- Oh. They're already dead. Toa don't kill... THE WATER DID IT! NOT MY FAULT! I have to tell the rest of the crew! I have to save Jaller! (She unlocks the door, causing hundreds of gallons of water to spill out into the hallway, runs down that hallway, and goes back into cell 55555, to find Jaller standing right on the other side of the cell's door.)

These people are violent...

Jaller: And ever? Those are ridiculous terms! I'll never agree.Hahli: Go ahead, die then.Jaller: Well... It's a hard decision. Death or Hahli? How about this: I'll pretend to be your boyfriend, and you'll tell me what they're going to do.

This was pretty funny. Kinda brought some memories back of Futurama.Good chappy, TR. And, for the record, I prefer the changed personalities. Adds more depth to the comedy.-MT

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#20 Online CHTrilogy

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Posted Jul 24 2012 - 04:21 AM

Yeah, I'm liking it so far! It has that sort of... charisma I look for in comedies.
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