Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Bonkle

Review - Corvec Litters the Wind

Recommended Posts

On 11/19/2019 at 11:22 PM, King of Kings said:

i love your writing style quite a bit 

and i very much like this setting, very intriguing

Glad you think so, I typically think my settings are a bit sparse because I hate doing exposition (probably why I usually wind up in deserts)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, King of Kings said:

jok-kor seems like a nice place

wonder what that one matoran's deal was, the one getting accosted. seems he's seen some things

If it weren't for the crime syndicates and Westing attacks I wouldn't mind living in Jok-Kor

Oh yes he's seen some things, but he's seeing them for someone else

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, King of Kings said:

now that was a chapter

seems like you may have thrown in a couple indents by accident at the start of the second half

:)

BZP's formatting is screwy, it looked fine on my document and when I pasted it here I couldn't ditch those indents

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey! So, like I mentioned, I've been enjoying this epic for a little while now, and am finally getting around to doing the review thing. 

Admittedly, I'm always initially slightly averse to first person present tense writing, but you have a very elegant way of making words do what (I assume) you want them to. Your writing style struck me as artistic without being frilly - no frivolous or flamboyant word use. If I had to equate your writing to another art form, I'd probably say it's like carving, which I suppose is ironically appropriate, considering the content of the epic :D You have great, hard-hitting lines, as well as intricate, deliberately crafted lines that enrich and give detail to the characters and story, working very well together. 

A hard-hitting line that stood out to me:

On 1/17/2020 at 6:44 PM, Bonkle said:

There are few things in this world more frightening than a Toa in battle.

 

A detail-y one:

On 11/16/2019 at 9:17 PM, Bonkle said:

His bleached, sandy armor might as well make him another crumbling wall in this town. Or a Jaga after all. If he is on the verge of collapse like such a wall, his posture suggests a cool acceptance of it, which angers me.

 

And, a nice mix of both: 

On 12/15/2019 at 3:12 AM, Bonkle said:

We expect our enemies to be, in all things, at once both their best and their worst; the former so our victory over them may be all the sweeter, the latter to justify our hatred for them.

   

 

Probably not a coincidence that two of the three lines above are openers for their respective chapters. Well crafted. 

 

Other details that I enjoyed enough to want to point out: 

On 11/30/2019 at 1:42 AM, Bonkle said:

Jok is the only place in Kor where the buildings

Clever explanation of the location etymology, without explicitly saying so. 

 

On 12/15/2019 at 3:12 AM, Bonkle said:

The honorific suffix, the first syllable of a Toa’s mask, is intended as a sign of respect for their power

Adds a great layer of culture/society to your world, love it! 

 

The inclusion of the title, verbatim, in chapter 1 was also a nice touch!

 

So, Corvec is a great character so far. Clear flaws, motivations (or lack thereof), and distinctive personality. How he chooses to use his Mahiki  was pretty creative, I thought. Looking forward to seeing how more of his skillset plays out in his predicaments. 

My only gripe thus far is that, in comparison to Corvec, and perhaps Ahret (I like this villain, lots to find out about him, great power set. Mind powers are always terrifying) I feel like I don't really know who Halak is. She is certainly more than just an observer of events, but I feel like I should know more about what goes on in her head, why she says what she does say, etc. Her disdain of the Toa is currently her defining quality, at least to me. Now, I understand that this is one of the difficulties first person present narration presents, but as you've done so well so far, I'm more than confident you're able to handle the challenge. 

Keep up the great work!

Ads

  • Like 1

1903203345_ScreenShot2020-06-02at9_29_19PM.png.505199ec1060a4ff47ae3efc38e11252.png

A Bionicle-ization of the beloved board game! 
The Sculptors and the SmeltersThe Ternion | Review Topic  | Library | Game: The Duchess 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Aderia said:

Hey! So, like I mentioned, I've been enjoying this epic for a little while now, and am finally getting around to doing the review thing. 

Admittedly, I'm always initially slightly averse to first person present tense writing, but you have a very elegant way of making words do what (I assume) you want them to. Your writing style struck me as artistic without being frilly - no frivolous or flamboyant word use. If I had to equate your writing to another art form, I'd probably say it's like carving, which I suppose is ironically appropriate, considering the content of the epic :D You have great, hard-hitting lines, as well as intricate, deliberately crafted lines that enrich and give detail to the characters and story, working very well together. 

A hard-hitting line that stood out to me:

 

A detail-y one:

 

And, a nice mix of both: 

 

Probably not a coincidence that two of the three lines above are openers for their respective chapters. Well crafted. 

 

Other details that I enjoyed enough to want to point out: 

Clever explanation of the location etymology, without explicitly saying so. 

 

Adds a great layer of culture/society to your world, love it! 

 

The inclusion of the title, verbatim, in chapter 1 was also a nice touch!

 

So, Corvec is a great character so far. Clear flaws, motivations (or lack thereof), and distinctive personality. How he chooses to use his Mahiki  was pretty creative, I thought. Looking forward to seeing how more of his skillset plays out in his predicaments. 

My only gripe thus far is that, in comparison to Corvec, and perhaps Ahret (I like this villain, lots to find out about him, great power set. Mind powers are always terrifying) I feel like I don't really know who Halak is. She is certainly more than just an observer of events, but I feel like I should know more about what goes on in her head, why she says what she does say, etc. Her disdain of the Toa is currently her defining quality, at least to me. Now, I understand that this is one of the difficulties first person present narration presents, but as you've done so well so far, I'm more than confident you're able to handle the challenge. 

Keep up the great work!

Ads

Hey, thank you so much for the detailed feedback, this made my day. :)

 

To address your comment about Halak, the next chapter will dive into her a little more - I'm not sure how clear it was but the last one ends with Arhet going into her mind, so the coming chapter will be in her head and we'll learn more about her.

Originally the story was going to be 3rd person and not have Halak at all, but I realized it would be too melodramatic and brooding to just constantly comment on Corvec's disdain for life. She provides a sounding board for him and lets me piecemeal the information about his past. I'll admit her character wasn't as strongly conceived because of that plot-deviceish nature of her existence but there is more to her as we'll see. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...