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The Feast

three matoran walk into a bar and the bar says ouch!

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#1 Offline Snoopy82

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Posted Oct 13 2011 - 08:13 PM

One day three Matoran of different Koros walked into the forest in search of treasure. Unfortunately for them, they got lost. Hungry, cold, and without a map, they decided to sit down and camp for a while. After they had got a fire started, they took stock of what possessions they had.“I have a small axe,” said the fat Onu-Matoran, laying it on the ground in front of him.“Typical of an earth dweller. I have a piece of rope,” said the thin Le-Matoran, slinging it across his shoulder.“You are too down to earth, and you, well, you have your head stuck in the clouds,” said the average Ko-Matoran. I have a bucket, and in that bucket is the heatstone we just used to start the fire.”“So… no one has food?” whispered the Onu-Matoran, a faint whisp of horror blowing across his face. Almost subconsciously he began rubbing his rather round stomach, which made faint gurgling noises.“You look like you have enough food stored in there to feed an army. You’ll be fine. We need to find a way out of here!” said the Le-Matoran. He opened his mouth to speak, but was silenced by a rustling coming from the bushes behind him. Slowly he turned, expecting the worst-But it was just a crab- and a Manas crab at that.“Aww, it’s just a baby!” said the Onu-Matoran.“Baby or not… gentlemen, I believe we have found our dinner,” said the Ko-Matoran, slowly standing. Holding the bucket up, he stepped toward the crab. The crab backed up, eyes wide with fear.“Hold on, ice brain. I saw him first. He’s my food.”“Who says it’s a he?” said the Onu-Matoran. “Besides, you just said we don’t need food…”“I said YOU didn’t need food, fatty,” said the Le-Matoran. While these two had been arguing, the Ko-Matoran had made his move. But alas, he tripped- the bucket went flying, crashing into the crab and knocking it unconscious. The heatstone inside flew through the air as well… though it landed on the Ko-Matoran.He stumbled to his feet, blinked several seconds, and finally realized the obvious (something which neither the Le or Onu-Matoran seemed to notice): he was on fire. He screamed and started to roll on the ground, madly trying to extinguish the flames. This however only cause the grass below to catch fire. The Ko-Matoran tried to roll away… but he rolled right into the campfire. Within seconds, he had disappeared into an inferno. As if on cue, seconds later a thundering rainstorm came pouring into the clearing, extinguishing all flames. Left lying on the ground, the singed Ko-Matoran uttered his last words: “Save… me… some… crabs legs…” He died with his tongue hanging out of his mouth. The Le and Onu-Matoran noticed none of this, instead focusing on the crab, who was now unconscious. “Crab fricassee… crab stew… crab sandwiches… crab cakes… crab milkshakes… crab flambé… crab puree… crab parfait… crab crème brule…” uttered the Le-Matoran. He inched closer and closer to the crab, which started to twitch awake.“Now just wait a minute… I don’t think we should eat it, friend,” said the Onu-Matoran.“Why’s that… cool dude?” said the Le-Matoran, eye now twitching.“I think she’s cute.”This nearly caused the Le-Matoran to fall backwards into the flames, but he caught himself in the nick of time. With a thunderous boom, the rain began- which of course marked the end of the Ko-Matoran. “YOU THINK SHE’S CUTE?!?!” yelled the Le-Matoran.“I’ve always been a sucker for pets, you know…”“IT’S A CRAB. NOT A HE, NOT A SHE, NOT AN IT. A CRAB. REARRANGE THE LETTERS IN CRAB AND YOU SPELL FOOD. THEY DON’T THINK. THEY DON’T HAVE BRAINS. THEY EXIST TO BE EATEN. BY US. HERE WE ARE IN THE WOODS, WITH NO DINNER, NO MAP, AND A PERFECTLY GOOD MEAL IN FRONT OF US, AND ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS PET A CRAB!?!?!?!”“Hey, hey… crabs have feelings too you know.”The Le-Matoran’s eyes twitched wildly, and he stood shaking as though he were repressing a bad case of heartburn. The crab’s eyes teared up, obviously insulted at the rant.“YOU COOL DUDE!!!!!!” screamed the Le-Matoran, lunging forward and grabbing at the Onu-Matoran. He took hold of his throat“How would you like to be eaten?” said the Onu-Matoran, not phased.The Le-Matoran raised one eyebrow and tilted his head, contemplating what to say next.“How would I like to be eaten, huh… you don’t want to eat the crab huh… WELL THEN I’LL HAVE TO EAT YOU, FATSO!”He grabbed the axe from the ground and swung it around at the Onu-Matoran. He, in turn, made no movements or reactions of any kind, except to utter his last words before falling over backwards: “You just can’t get along with some people I guess…” He died with his tongue hanging out of his mouth. The Le-Matoran looked about himself, then finally started to inch toward the Onu-Matoran. A strange compressed feeling began about his throat.“Matoran fricassee… Matoran stew…”The feeling became tighter.“Matoran sandwiches… Matoran milkshakes…”He began to choke.“Matoran flambé… Matoran puree… Matoran parfait… Matoran crème brule..”He died, strangled by his rope which had become caught on a nearby tree.He died with his tongue- you guessed it- hanging out of his mouth.The crab crept forward, eying his surroundings:A burned to death Ko-Matoran.An dead Onu-Matoran with a large gash in his throat.A Le-Matoran strangled by his own rope.The crab smiled, as best as crabs can. He would feast for weeks. ----Being that this won an award, I'm reposting it. That and my malicious unquenchable thirst for attention of course :P
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#2 Online -JL-

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Posted Oct 14 2011 - 05:51 AM

“How would I like to be eaten, huh… you don’t want to eat the crab huh… WELL THEN I’LL HAVE TO EAT YOU, FATSO!”

Godly. No wonder you are reposting this. I hope you have more chapters in for us.... hopefully with more matoran.... in a much more amazing setting. Oh man. Just 1 question: How on earth did the rope suddenly move to be strangling him?

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 n

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#3 Offline Snoopy82

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Posted Oct 15 2011 - 04:40 PM

“How would I like to be eaten, huh… you don’t want to eat the crab huh… WELL THEN I’LL HAVE TO EAT YOU, FATSO!”

Godly. No wonder you are reposting this. I hope you have more chapters in for us.... hopefully with more matoran.... in a much more amazing setting. Oh man. Just 1 question: How on earth did the rope suddenly move to be strangling him?

Well, if he slung the rope over his shoulder, then it makes sense that as he was moving in for the kill it might have gotten caught on something. :)

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#4 Offline Agnes Oblige

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Posted Oct 15 2011 - 04:47 PM

Just as good as the last time I read it- I remember marking this as one of my favourites when i reviewed it back in 2010 (gosh, over a year ago already). Some parts push the boundaries of what seems to be the boundaries of BZPower Comedies, such as the le-matoran going all cannibalistic and the words "cool dude" appearing rather frequently (though I also don't know if you wrote it like that intentionally). I'm not complaining; there's not much to complain about, if anything- this comedy is superb. -ibrow
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CHAPTER 8

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At the end of the game, Sumiki reveals his master plan.





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