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The Trial And Execution Of Makuta Teridax

Heres Hoping For Reviews.

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18 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Agnes Oblige

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Posted Jan 11 2012 - 09:41 PM

“Makuta Teridax, what do you have to say in defence of your crimes?”

“I determine myself to be not guilty, your honour. I feel that my actions were both justified and necessary.”

“The spread of darkness, the creeping of evil throughout the known universe?”

“I do not see it as that.”

~~~~

The once great Makuta Teridax stood proud and tall before the judge of the court, and all others. He seemed regal, satisfied, as if his purpose had been completed.“Forty-seven counts of murder of your own species, nigh on five hundred thousand other murders to activate your plan, near eradication of Toa of iron and Toa of gravity, eighteen major counts of manipulation, near six hundred thousand minor counts of manipulation, abuse of powers, usurping of control of the universe from the great spirit Mata-Nui. Those are but some of your crimes, Makuta.”“I reply your honour, that it was all necessary. What was our universe before I came along? Thanks to my own brotherhood, Rahi were beginning to overpopulate- so I ordered the creation of the Visorak as a way to moderate those numbers.”“The Visorak wiped out entire nations! They killed everything they could, and what they could not, they mutated and turned to complete beast hood!” a cry rang out.Teridax turned and smiled grimly at the speaker- Toa Norik.“Perhaps it was not the greatest solution... but it was the only one the genius Chirox found. What else was wrong? There was too much peace. The Hand of Artahka, the Brotherhood of Makuta, the Order of Mata-Nui, and the Toa... what is the good of keeping the peace if there is nothing to keep the peace from?”“Too much peace?” this time Toa Helryx spoke, scoffing. “There can never be such a thing!”Teridax chuckled, pointing at another Toa in the stands at Takanuva, and the being beside him.“Those two, and I, know that there is such a thing as too much peace.” He said.Takanuva shifted uncomfortably, and Teridax chuckled again at the minor victory.“I gave races meaning. Before me, if you were not a Matoran or Toa, you did not belong in major cities such as Metru-Nui. My new Brotherhood of Makuta gave the Skakdi their powers, for example.”“The Skakdi entered a massive civil war!” Turaga Dume now added his voice to the protests. “One that has only recently ended!”“And who ended it?” Teridax asked quietly. “Me. It was under my orders that the Skakdi were given powers-”“You even hunted down the Makuta that did it!” Turaga Dume interrupted.“I did not mean for him to mess up so- nor did I order the hunt. It was no longer safe for him. Why do you think he was never caught?”The Turaga fell silent, and Teridax continued.“It was because of me Skakdi were given powers, and because of me they made peace with each other and are now prosperous. It was I who, behind the scenes, industrialized the Vortixx, with the help of the Makuta Mutran, Icarax, and Tridax. It was I who, with the help of Vamprah, began the trading on Stelt.”“You ordered the Mask of light be stolen from Artahka.” Toa Gaaki now spoke. “You ordered the creation of the Mask of time so that you wouldn’t have to wait around while your plan did its work and Mata-Nui died.”“Dear Toa, I never wanted to kill Mata-Nui.” Teridax laughed. “I needed him alive- and an excuse to remove the Kanohi Ignika, curse that it is, from this universe. I needed the Matoran to help me if possible, and the Mask of time would have sped up that process. The Mask of light would’ve been destroyed if I hadn’t taken it- I enabled the creation of Takanuva.”Artahka, sitting in the judge’s seat, now spoke again.“You....”“You’ve lied to everyone.” Teridax interrupted. “Kojol discovered the plan to do so, and so I had him steal it. And then you had him and everyone else who knew the location of your island killed... is that what someone truly on the side of the light would do?”“Don’t listen to him!” Turaga Vakama spoke up frantically. “He’s trying to divide us, spread discord, and unleash the shadows-”“Shadows that you’ve already fallen prey to once, Vakama.” Teridax warned before continuing, “I was right in that instance, wasn’t I?”“You... you were....” Artahka glanced around the court room. “Yes. Yes, you were right.”Chaos broke out, and Makuta Teridax sat back, watching it all. The Makuta that took over the universe had been the one to engineer the creation of the Toa of light? That was something the numerous Toa and Matoran in the room simply could not allow themselves to accept or believe.When Artahka finally regained control, he spoke once more to Teridax.“You tried to stop the Matoran Takua from completing his journey, and unleashed Rahkshi on him. How does that aid the light?”“I turned him away by taunting him, yes.” Teridax acknowledged. “However, I then manipulated the events- and those involved in them- so that he would emerge stronger for it. The death of his Matoran friend I also made sure would occur- because I knew he could come back.”The Makuta paused to let his words sink in.“When Toa Takanuva combined with me to form Takutanuva, why do you think my mind did not instantly crush his? I have crushed the minds of fellow Makuta! Both of us needed to form Takutanuva, so that we could break the barrier to Metru-Nui and revive Jaller. You have all never questioned why Takutanuva was on your side, either. Any Makuta can absorb a Toa with ease- I know of only one time where the Toa prevailed. This was not that time. If it was, I would not be here. We were in harmony, though Takanuva did not know it.”“What about Metru-Nui?” Turaga Dume questioned. “You impersonated me. You had the Toa assassinated. You caused the Great Cataclysm.”At this, jeers targeted at Teridax filled the room.“True, I did.” Teridax shrugged. “I impersonated you for nearly three hundred years- a time which was amongst the most prosperous Metru-Nui ever knew. The Toa were beginning to grow corrupted, overconfident in their power- and after the incident with the Toa Hagah stealing the Kanohi Avohkii from the Brotherhood and delaying events, I had to take as few risks as possible. The Toa had to be removed.”“And the Great Cataclysm?”“Necessary to put Mata-Nui into the coma, which enabled me to take his place. The loss of the Vahi was a hard hit here, and I had to unleash many menaces on the island of Mata-Nui in order to delay the return to Metru-Nui until the time was right.”“You can’t have planned this all.” Turaga Vakama replied.“Vakama, I told you once that I had plans within plans, plans for every setback.” Teridax responded. “Did you not believe me?”The Turaga fell silent.“Unfortunately, one setback I did not plan for was that separating from Takanuva would cause my essence to disperse, to the point where I very nearly died. I used the last of my strength, desperately, to send the Piraka to Voya-Nui, where Zaktan, who knew of my plans, tricked the other Piraka into believing they were to cause evil, all the while cultivating me, restoring me.”Teridax paused to let it sink in before continuing.“However, the other Piraka began to prove too much for Zaktan to handle- and it was becoming clear that revealing his intentions would mean his death. So I sent them into the pit, where all six were rendered incapable of causing any harm. Then I went into the Maxilos robot, freeing the Toa Matoro, who I knew was the next- and most important- piece of the game.”Teridax glanced over to where the five remaining Toa Mahri were watching, and then to the jailer Hydraxon, who stood by the door.“I could have killed the other Toa Mahri, Hydraxon, and the Barraki at a moment’s notice if I’d wished to do so. Matoro was the only one I needed, and it would’ve been simple to force him to use the mask. However, I preferred as few deaths as possible- Hydraxon would capture the Barraki in time, and the Toa Mahri were not tainted by evil.”“This doesn’t explain why you felt the need to replace Mata-Nui and be worshipped.” Helryx spoke.“Mata-Nui had forgotten us- in the beginning we Makuta were numerous, but with the experiments we did came deaths. After a time, he stopped making new Makuta, and our number dwindled down. I, Brutaka, and the light Teridax remain the last three of our kind in this universe and I am the only completely original Makuta left from this universe. I then began to notice less Toa appearing, less Matoran being created- and then none of any species. Production halted. You ever notice that the Toa are extremely close to extinction?”The Toa Mahri glanced at each other with unease as Makuta spoke again.“I care for the universe. Mata-Nui began to care only for his mission, and as it turns out, there’s now a mysterious being hunting the most powerful of our number while a machine kills any Toa that strays out of sight. All Mata-Nui cared for was completing his mission, which doing so appears to have certified the death of all of us in time.” Teridax explained. “I hoped to stop it, as my destiny was to replace Mata-Nui in case something went wrong, which it did- Mata-Nui forgot.”“What about the murders of the remaining Makuta once your plan was complete?” Helryx demanded.“They had all been corrupt for a long time.” Teridax informed them. “I saw what was happening before Miserix did, and used the chance to take over and moderate them. They needed to die.”“Did Krika need to die? Did Icarax?” Gali Nuva finally added her voice to the throng, having sat silent amongst the explanations and accusations.Makuta Teridax’s eyes narrowed. “I gather you have information that I did not have....”“Makuta Krika felt regret for his actions, and attempted to warn me of what was to happen- until he was interrupted by the arrival of more battle. I didn’t listen at the time, but I understood later he’d meant what he said.”Makuta Teridax hung his head as Takanuva now spoke.“Krika did seem frustrated by my arrival... and both he and Icarax worked to try and destroy the Codrex, thus ruining your plan and saving the universe.”“I... did not know that. I was busy in the mainframe.” Teridax’s whisper carried throughout the room. “Had I known... Krika would have been reprieved.”“What about Icarax?” Helryx challenged.Teridax glanced at her, amused again. “Dear Helryx, you must know how Icarax was- always trying to grab my power. With the secret of how to defeat me, you can bet he would’ve used it eventually.”“I say enough of your lies.” Artahka rumbled before the Makuta could continue. “I do not believe you- as such, your death is imminent. You may now say any final words you might have, scum.”Teridax glanced to him. “I was in the right- and you were all, albeit unknowingly, in the wrong.” The Makuta then shifted his gaze to Takanuva and the Light Teridax.“Keep my memory alive.” He told them, a hint of plead and desperation in his voice. “You both know what can happen with too much peace- I beg you, do not let it happen here.”He then raised his head, standing proud and tall as Artahka loomed over him.“Goodbye.” The once great Makuta said.Artahka’s staff pointed, a flash of light, and Makuta Teridax was no more.

The End.

Reviews appreciated!-ibrow

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THE EPILOGUE

 

One in hiding; One going mad; One giving in; and One with dark secrets.


#2 Offline toa kopaka4372

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Posted Jan 11 2012 - 10:10 PM

Very interesting story, I thoroughly enjoyed it! :)I really like how you had Teridax justify all his actions in ways that made somewhat made sense, at least to him. You actually succeeded in making me feel that the Toa and the others were wrong by executing Teridax. Very good job, it was quite an original and creative SS :)Just wanted to mention that Teridax impersonated Dume for 18 months, not nearly 300 years. But I guess that doesn't really matter, since this isn't canon. :PNow you have me half-wishing Teridax had actually been brought to trialin the actual story, that would've been interesting.Also, this topic could be a potential answer to the question I asked in my topic: http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=2727 Pretty neat. :)

Edited by toa kopaka4372, Jan 12 2012 - 01:47 PM.

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Credit goes to Linus Van Pelt (Formerly known as Cherixon) and Spectral Avohkii Enterprises

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#3 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jan 11 2012 - 11:34 PM

:) The Toa hardly have "too much peace". One thing I noticed that Makuta did not have the right to trial by jury. You can almost feel sorry for him there. Guess there isn't room for American judicial rights in Bionicle.So, I have to admire the character light that you have given to Teridax here that we don't usually see. It almost makes it look like the Brotherhood corrupted him, rather than the other way about.However, there isn't much development here, and the story feels slightly rushed. The trial almost feels like it concludes too rapidly in the face of all those brilliant arguments, although we are talking about Makuta Teridax here...I am not sure. This story is so strangely unique that I couldn't write it much better, but it still feels rushed, less of a trial than a 4-minute attempt to try to imitate our judicial system before destroying the defendant. It doesn't exactly fit. Good Job anyway. I enjoyed reading this.
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#4 Offline QuestionMark

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Posted Jan 12 2012 - 04:01 AM

The concept of reversing good and evil roles is something that interests me a great deal, especially in the Bionicle story, so I was eager to see what you had to write about the subject. I especially thought that the sentiment, "too much peace," had truth to it, but I'm not sure you adequately explored its full meaning by the end of the story. I would have liked to hear more of that philosophy.Mostly my main issue with the story is that it is very dialogue-centric -- which I suppose is the style you were going for. But to me, while it does a good job of demonstrating your idea to the reader, it is lackluster when it comes to bringing it to life. The spaces between the dialogue are very bareboned and straightforward, consisting largely of "pauses" and "glances". The pseudo-dramatic way each new character's words are introduced, as well as the throwaway mentions of the angry spectators, did little to impress upon me. The role each character plays is carefully marked and they never extend beyond that role -- their inner thoughts, the emotion behind their words, none of it is portrayed beyond a cursory overview. This makes the dialogue feel less sincere and more artificially put together for your purposes. As a specific complaint, I was disappointed that I didn't read more into Takanuva and Light Teridax's thoughts, and why they specifically were targetted by Teridax's final words. It seems like that had a lot of potential.

The once great Makuta Teridax stood proud and tall before the judge of the court, and all others. He seemed regal, satisfied, as if his purpose had been completed.

I consider this an example of you trying to "get out of the way" the setting of your story so that you can get to the part you're concerned with, instead of examining the details and exploring the personalities. (I usually don't care about describing surroundings, but some indication of the nature of the court would have added to things as well.) I bolded certain words just to emphasize how many you've used to describe basically the same thing. I take it -- and hopefully this will not sound presumptuous, because it's something I've done in my own writing -- that you've done this because you have a specific tone for the scene in mind and want to fine tune the details for the reader, using similar words to specify your meaning; but that is not how you create a literary picture. It's sort of a cinematic instinct to describe things as having fixed and immediately obvious attributes, but a movie has the luxury of moving pictures and visual actors. Also, instead of describing Teridax's poise, this would have been the ideal opportunity to explore the attitude behind the poise. "As if his purpose had been completed" is a very distant-sounding observation, something I would like straight from the character it addresses (though not necessarily in the form of italicized thoughts).But maybe you weren't going for any of that, and I'm just wasting my time telling you things you already accounted for. As far as the idea itself goes, I was interested in what you had Teridax say, particularly that bit about keeping the Avohkii from being destroyed. (Though the part where the courtroom exploded into chaos felt very corny.) The argument put forward is very self-consistent, so that I can very easily see Teridax as the *cough* "good guy" here. But I agree with fishers64 about the pacing problem, and think I've adequately explained my reasons why. I don't usually feel comfortable reviewing things, so I hope this is useful to you in some way... ~QMark

Edited by QuestionMark, Jan 12 2012 - 04:03 AM.

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#5 Offline Agnes Oblige

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Posted Jan 12 2012 - 11:21 AM

@toa kopaka4372: Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :) That was what I was aiming to do; make it seem as if Teridax might've actually been in the right all along.@fishers64: Thanks for the review; the ending does seem a bit rushed, and if I were to do it again, the entire segment on Icarax and Krika would just be removed. As for making it like an American court... well, first of all I'm Canadian, so it would've been a Canadian court thingy, but I wanted to focus more on making Teridax seem more "innocent", and thus have it look as if everything done to him was unfair. Glad you enjoyed it regardless, and I'll definitely take the critique into account for the future.@QuestionMark: For not reviewing much, that's pretty good first off; you might want to try joining the Short Stories Critics Club. However, now to reply to your actual review.For "too much peace"- that's a trap I walk into time and time again. In Dark Mirror, the universe where Takanuva is a Turaga, and the one that light Teridax is from, there's not really any war. All is peaceful. However, in Dark Mirror that peace is through tyranny, the Turaga Universe that peace is strained and corrupted (as evidenced by Matoro's exile), and in the light Teridax universe that peace is through the Great Beings ruling and doing whatever they want to their subjects. That was what I was getting at; sorry. As I said, a trap I fall into often.For the dialogue-centricness, yes, that's what I was aiming for with the story. For the thoughts of the characters- looking back, I think I would change that, and you are right. I think it might've been better if Teridax was in more of an "interrogation room", with light Teridax and Takanuva simply being two of five or less observers. That would have made things simpler, and given opportunity for me to really flesh them out- as it was, I didn't want the story to end up too long.On the description (or lack of it): not really any excuses there- it would have been simple. My aim for a story composed mostly of dialogue would really be the main reason I didn't add in an actual description of the court itself. The court exploding into chaos... better wording might've been used, but it's what you'd expect- either that or a stunned silence, and both are overused. With the attitudes of those speaking to Teridax in the story, the break out of chaos seemed like a better fit.However, thanks for the review- I'll take those into account for the next time I write. Maybe I'll even redo this and make it better. :P-ibrow
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THE EPILOGUE

 

One in hiding; One going mad; One giving in; and One with dark secrets.


#6 Offline Jowm

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Posted Jan 12 2012 - 01:44 PM

I enjoyed the story, it felt as if it ended a little too abruptly, and I didn't understand what you were refrencing when Teridax told Takanuva and Light Teridax that they knew best that there could be too much peace(what was that refrence to?) but it was interesting, and in this story, was Teridax supposed to think that he was doing right, or simply making up those justifications to make himself appear innocent? Overall, it was very interesting, and I enjoyed it.
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http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=5700 - My new epic revealing the life of the interesting character we all wish we could have known better before he left us, Karzahni.

Hey everybody! I'm working on getting a Bionicle podcast set up, it's almost ready to go, and I have one or two regular positions open for anyone with Bionicle knowledge who would like to join! Or if you would perfer not to be a regular, you can guest star as well. We will also be reading and critiquing short stories and possibly epics on the podcast, so if you'd like yours read let me know and I'll look it over and we may review it! For details and any questions you may have, just send me a PM.


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#7 Offline Agnes Oblige

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Posted Jan 12 2012 - 04:18 PM

I enjoyed the story, it felt as if it ended a little too abruptly, and I didn't understand what you were refrencing when Teridax told Takanuva and Light Teridax that they knew best that there could be too much peace(what was that refrence to?) but it was interesting, and in this story, was Teridax supposed to think that he was doing right, or simply making up those justifications to make himself appear innocent? Overall, it was very interesting, and I enjoyed it.

It isn't a question of whether he believed he was right, but whether or not he actually was in the right.As it is, I wrote the story intentionally so that those questions wouldn't be answered- each reader can draw their own conclusion on whether or not Teridax was ultimately a good guy.As for the reference, as I mentioned in my previous post, that's a trap I fell into. I also explained there what I was referencing.-ibrow

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THE EPILOGUE

 

One in hiding; One going mad; One giving in; and One with dark secrets.


#8 Offline Angel Bob

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Posted Jan 12 2012 - 07:13 PM

It was a good story, although at first it felt a bit silly (BIONICLE characters in court? Whoever thought we'd come to that? :P). The worst part, IMHO, is the title. You gave away the ending! XD A simpler and more alliterative title such as The Trial of Teridax would roll off the tongue more easily and simply sound more interesting.Makuta has always been a deceptive and manipulative villain, one who keeps turning the tables on the Toa just when they thought they understood what to do, and this story captures that element of him well. The way I read it, Makuta's still an incredibly evil and obnoxious sociopath, but his twisting way of recounting BIONICLE history so as to put him in a new light was done well and caused the Toa to start doubting themselves, sowing the seeds for their possible defeat by another villain that would come after him.All in all, an intriguing and original story. :)
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#9 Offline Agnes Oblige

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Posted Jan 12 2012 - 09:17 PM

Thanks! glad you enjoyed it!As for spoiling the ending with the title- it was on purpose, to draw people in. :P The important part in this story wasn't the ending, but rather, as you said, the stuff in the middle- how Teridax recounted the history. And you have done what I hoped- finally shown an opinion of Teridax! Or at least, a different one. Which means I have succeeded- you believe Teridax was still evil, but one or two others have said they believed he was actually a good guy. I'm not saying which one is right or wrong, so awesome.Anyway, yeah. Title was on purpose. -ibrow
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THE EPILOGUE

 

One in hiding; One going mad; One giving in; and One with dark secrets.


#10 Offline Just Norik

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Posted Jan 13 2012 - 01:09 AM

Why does Light Teridax know about "too much peace"?Still, a great story. Very realistic, that was one point that sold it to me. Great job!
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#11 Offline Agnes Oblige

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Posted Jan 13 2012 - 04:50 PM

Why does Light Teridax know about "too much peace"?Still, a great story. Very realistic, that was one point that sold it to me. Great job!

Biggest issue people have with the story. :PThanks, though; glad you enjoyed it.-ibrow

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book_1_logo_super_small.jpg

 

THE EPILOGUE

 

One in hiding; One going mad; One giving in; and One with dark secrets.


#12 Offline QuestionMark

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Posted Jan 13 2012 - 10:39 PM

@QuestionMark: For not reviewing much, that's pretty good first off; you might want to try joining the Short Stories Critics Club.

I've actually tried that on a couple of occasions during my time as a member, but it doesn't work for me. I would like to review things more, but usually I find I don't know what to say or how to articulate it. But thank you for the reassurance.

For "too much peace"- that's a trap I walk into time and time again. In Dark Mirror, the universe where Takanuva is a Turaga, and the one that light Teridax is from, there's not really any war. All is peaceful. However, in Dark Mirror that peace is through tyranny, the Turaga Universe that peace is strained and corrupted (as evidenced by Matoro's exile), and in the light Teridax universe that peace is through the Great Beings ruling and doing whatever they want to their subjects. That was what I was getting at; sorry. As I said, a trap I fall into often.

I figured you were going for something like that. Thanks for the explanation. So, in all of those examples, peace comes through a suppressive agent (tyranny, society[?], authority) to which others must conform. Implicit in this demand for "oneness" is the division between groups of "difference"; Teridax seems to allude to that when he says, "Before me, if you were not a Matoran or a Toa, you did not belong in major cities such as Metru-Nui." His mention of the Skakdi, the Vortixx and of Stelt indicates to me that his chief aim was to elevate these other species above the standard for "peace" so that they could begin affecting things for themselves.That does leave one question to me, though, which is that, if the other universes had things like tyranny that regulated the peace standard, what was the source in the MU? Perhaps simple stagnation -- in a world where everyone has a set role, things do not change much of their own accord and the nature of things is not often questioned, leaving the under-rewarded species stranded in their initial state, as well as discouraging new developments. A way of disrupting this stagnation would be to introduce new variables (through elevating other species) and "conflict" as opposed to peace ("What is the good of keeping the peace if there is nothing to keep the peace from?"), upsetting the equilibrium at least until things resolve themselves again and come out better for it (like he did with Takua). All of that leads me to consider Teridax to be (or have been) on the side of good, or at least an "agent of change".But I've sort of been extrapolating a lot. I do like your story; I appreciate anything that makes me think more about it afterwards. That's one thing I really enjoy, and something I consider integral to really good writing. Anyway, hopefully that was a bit more of a thorough opinion of your idea than what I gave you before.~QMark

Edited by QuestionMark, Jan 13 2012 - 10:49 PM.

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#13 Offline Agnes Oblige

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Posted Jan 14 2012 - 11:51 AM

Yes, that's what I was going for, and what Teridax was referring to. Good to know you enjoyed it. :)-ibrow
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THE EPILOGUE

 

One in hiding; One going mad; One giving in; and One with dark secrets.


#14 Offline Grantaire

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Posted Jan 14 2012 - 07:24 PM

Upon seeing this story, I was reminded greatly of Saruman on Orthanc. You did an excellent job portraying Makuta as the master of deception; without background knowledge, I might have actually thought he was innocent!However, I can agree with earlier posters on the fact that it seemed a bit rushed both at start and finish.Also, why exactly if they were going to kill him anyways, did they even allow him time to speak?So overall, despite the gripes I have, this story as a whole seems good. It had me feeling probably as indignant as any of the listeners at teridax's carefully said lies. Excellent job.
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#15 Offline Agnes Oblige

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Posted Jan 15 2012 - 11:35 AM

Thanks for the review; glad you enjoyed it. As for why they let him speak... well, they would have been expecting something that didn't completely throw the perceptions of history out the window. :P With Teridax's reputation though, nobody that had power was going to risk believing him.-ibrow
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THE EPILOGUE

 

One in hiding; One going mad; One giving in; and One with dark secrets.


#16 Offline Prodigal

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Posted Jan 19 2012 - 04:01 PM

Wow, this is a great story. The writing, in my opinion, wasn't rushed at all, and it was very enjoyable. However, I did find a typo for you to correct. "near eradication of Toa of iron and Toa of gravity"I believe that should be Toa of Iron and Toa of Magnetisim. No idea if this was mentioned or not.
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#17 Offline Agnes Oblige

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Posted Jan 19 2012 - 04:31 PM

Wow, this is a great story. The writing, in my opinion, wasn't rushed at all, and it was very enjoyable. However, I did find a typo for you to correct. "near eradication of Toa of iron and Toa of gravity"I believe that should be Toa of Iron and Toa of Magnetisim. No idea if this was mentioned or not.

Glad you enjoyed it; I've never really been sure whether or not the element part, as you mentioned, should be capitalized or not, and so to be safe I've left them lower cased. Thanks for pointing it out though; much appreciated.-ibrow

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book_1_logo_super_small.jpg

 

THE EPILOGUE

 

One in hiding; One going mad; One giving in; and One with dark secrets.


#18 Offline Zaxvo

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Posted Feb 05 2012 - 11:02 PM

Hi there! Zaxvo here from the SSCC, for an overdue review. I really enjoyed this. What with BZP being down, Bionicle ending, and school taking up more of my time, the plot worked better than it should have, I don't remember much anymore, so I was wracking my brain, trying to counter Teridax's arguments. It was really engaging and well written overall, and once the premise of the plot was fully obvious, I was able to really enjoy the story. Well done. As for characters, you're not really working with any original characters, and you only really delved into Teridax's character, which is fine. I don't really know why there's that break at the beginning of the story; it's really unnecessary and it might even flow better without it. I liked the nods you gave the new serials; it worked well to establish the full concept of the plot. Overall, this is a brilliant story because you took an established villan from an epic that needed 10 years to be fully told, and managed to justify the worst of his crimes. I guess that's really the beauty of this saga we all adore and enjoy. I'm sorry I can't fully appreciate the finer details of the plot: like I said, many of the small details and even some of the more general plot points have been relegated to a far corner of my mind, and this story has been a great inspiration for me to get back into the legend of BIONICLE.
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#19 Offline Agnes Oblige

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Posted Feb 06 2012 - 08:57 PM

Thanks for the review, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.As for the break in the beginning... not really sure. I think when I first started I meant for the part after to be different or take place before that (or something along those lines) but then it didn't and I never really went back and changed it. I don't really have any good excuses for that. :PGlad the story served its purpose, though; I'd been wanting to write this for awhile, and I'm glad the work that went into it has been appreciated by so many people.Thanks again for the review!-ibrow
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book_1_logo_super_small.jpg

 

THE EPILOGUE

 

One in hiding; One going mad; One giving in; and One with dark secrets.





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