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New Beginning Review

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#1 Offline kanohimetru5995

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Posted Jan 18 2012 - 11:08 AM

this is the review topic for kanohimetru5995's story New BeginningYou can find the story here:http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=2947

Edited by kanohimetru5995, Jan 18 2012 - 11:12 AM.

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Tickle Spinners! Sand...And Fire! Hehe, makes glass!    "...and that's not incense."    Once a MoCist, always a MoCist.  

#2 Offline Cederak

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Posted Jan 30 2013 - 07:20 PM

[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]I don't think we've met before. My name is Cederak and this is an ECC Charity Review. It's a lot like a regular ECC review, except we're coming to you. It's like delivery pizza that you never even put a call in for, and the best part is that it's totally free. How great is that? Anyway, introductions out of the way, I'd like to run through some errors first.[/color][/font]




If they were to find the Toa Nuva of Air the Toa Nuva would need to track him down the old fashion way.



[color=#000000;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]Spelling: old-fashioned[/color][/font]



Lewa had been wondering for days.



[color=#000000;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]Spelling: wandering[/color][/font]



Jaller went to free their captured brothers when a strong hand grabbed him around the neck and threw him to the ground tying his hands.



[color=#000000;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]Comma after "ground."[/color][/font]



but it was too late the other Toa Mahri had been tackled to the ground by the charging Skakdi.



[color=#000000;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]Comma after "late."[/color][/font]



The Toa Mahri were ushered to the lake where their weapons had sunk to the bottom 50 bio below.



[color=#000000;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]Numbers fewer than one hundred should be written out, as in "fifty."[/color][/font]



[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]So, "New Beginning," huh? I placed the title in quotes on the assumption you didn't plan to reach the standard novel length—an ironic term considering the standard remains a topic of debate among writers—but that's neither here nor there. I have longed to see more work focus on the world of Spherus Magna post-Teridax-death in a way that really speaks to me. In this case, it felt like speaking with a child, and I think I can shed some light on the reason why.[/color][/font]


[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]Before we even touch the actual plot (not that there's much written in three chapters topping out around a total of 1,500 words, give or take a bit), I want to discuss some of your aesthetic decisions. By that I mean the use of words in all-caps to stress importance or shouting or whatever, and just an excessive among of exclamation points. Did you know there are online articles suggesting a writer should be allowed a single exclamation point per novel? And all-caps or bolded words are off-limits entirely. I'll tell you now, I'm not at that single exclamation point level yet (nor do I entirely agree with the philosophy), but I think I'm justified in saying you could draw back on some of your own.[/color][/font]


[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]When dialogue is written in a strong way, it doesn't require all this bolding, or italics, or all-caps words to support the point the writer is trying to drive home. Strong dialogue speaks for itself, it flows powerfully and smoothly. The same could be said of character and scenery description, of which there is very little. The characters are mostly those known from the canon, but you've made them very flat here, running on the belief that the reader will already know enough about them that you don't have to make them stand out. And that's a problem, because you really, really need to make them stand out.[/color][/font]


[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]I'm not saying to write your stories here as though the audience knows nothing of Bionicle, goodness no. But write your characters, canon or otherwise, as though they are brand new. Give them color, personality, viewpoints, individuality, and let them express all that as people would in real life. Repeat with your landscapes and throw some paint on the canvas. It's in dire need here, I'm afraid.[/color][/font]


[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]Back to your plot…it's confusing to say the least. And yet it's almost painfully basic. It's that point where you deviate from canon (Skakdi Fusion is actually Teridax? Really?) that completely lost me. Had I just been skimming stories and not been on assignment, I would've kept searching through epics because of how basic your description of Spherus Magna and the faces inhabiting it are. If I had made it far enough to realize where the plot was going, however, I would've been able to see it just really didn't appeal to me and would've promptly moved on. And on that note, there's really nothing you can do. Not everyone is going to like your plotlines, simple as that. So my best advice here is to work on your characters, scenery, and dialogue especially. Best of luck.[/color][/font]


[color=#000080;][font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"]-Ced[/color][/font]

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