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Makuta Hunt Review Topic


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#1 Offline Yaldabaoth

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Posted Oct 13 2011 - 08:58 PM

This is the central hub for Makuta Hunt, a series of short, 6-chapter stories starring Tobduk as he hunts down individual members of the Brotherhood. Reviews are very much appreciated. (Scratch that, they're compulsory.)

 

Transferring all the information from the old review topic is really giving me grief. So this first post will ultimately not contain any reference information on the previous episodes. For that, you can visit the old review topic here. http://www.bzpower.c...howtopic=328883

 

Also, this series has received the Hand of Nova award for "outstanding creativity." This is rather irregular, as the award was intended for sprite comics. And Makuta Hunt, you will notice, is not a sprite comic.

 

http://www.brickshel...and_of_nova.png

 

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Episode 6: The Subtarond Project

 

The Onu-Matoran of Netheria are put to work drilling deep into the darkness by Makuta Brond, in search of something ancient and impossibly powerful...

 

Makuta: Brond.

Mask: Repulsion - allows the user to repel other beings, objects, and the ground itself with a wave of force.

Tools: The Chasmblade, an ancient artifact used by Subtarond. It holds supreme power of fragmentation and the ability to reverse it.

Region: Netheria, a vast network of caves and caverns beneath the Southern Continent.

Rahi Specialization: Subterranean rahi such as the Archives mole or tunnelers, things that rarely see the light of day and would shrink from it on sight.

 

woahmoon.jpg

 

Episode 7: Dark Moonlight

 

By night, the isle of Lunidel falls prey to a savage beast that can only be a Makuta experiment. Tobduk sets out to exterminate the monster, but discovers that the matter may not be as simple as a mere hunt...

 

Makuta: Luporax.

Mask: Rahi Control - allows the bearer to command, control, speak to, and understand rahi.

Tools: Magnetic Shard Staff.

Region: Lunidel, a small wooded isle far to the southwest.

Rahi Specialization: Mammalian creatures are his preference, but his mask allows him to understand the way all rahi work and therefore create whatever rahi he so pleases. He is known among the Brotherhood for empathizing with rahi and, oddly, talking to them.

 

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Episode 8: The Poisoned Island

 

Tobduk undergoes a horrific mission to save Nestra from the steady onslaught of hordika venom. Along the way, his past returns to haunt him...

 

Makuta: Droth.

Mask: Mutation - allows its user to mutate another living being to suit the user's needs, altering their appearance.

Tools: Carries an ornate staff given to him by Makuta Chirox, carved with the head of a doom viper, but this staff is mostly for show. In combat, he currently favors lethally sharp javelins carrying venom that paralyzes the victim.

Region: Durgolund, a Karzahni-esque land of "green fire" and "sickly skies." Actually an active volcano, but has been tampered with by Makuta Droth to spew acid rather than lava.

Rahi Specialization: Anything poisonous is up Droth's alley, including the bog snake, acid fly, and other vicious creatures. He understands poison very well and concocts terrible mixtures of it in his spare time.

 

Series Finale: The End of the Brotherhood

 

Episode 9: The End of the Brotherhood

 

This is it. This is the final battle. As the Destiny War rages on all fronts, Tobduk seizes his chance to track down Makuta Chirox and end him. Will Tobduk avenge his long-dead brethren, or will he join them in death?

 

Makuta: Chirox.

Mask: Silence - allows its user to simultaneously disable a target's ability to speak and hear for as long as the user concentrates.

Tools: Carries two long, wicked blades and a Tridax Pod.

Region: Visorak, the isle once populated by the Empowered and the first to fall to the Visorak swarm.

Rahi Specialization: Chirox creates Rahi with utterly no redeeming qualities. From the catapult scorpion to the doom viper, each of his creations knows only how to destroy everything around it.

 

Reviews may now commence, please! :) I like reviews. They help me improve future works so they can be more enjoyable to write and to read. But this only works for reviews that are more in-depth than "This is a really good epic. KUTGW!" Those reviews boost my ego a little, but they don't tell me what I could do better, which is an important part of reviewing. This is why critics can be so, well, critical. Don't worry, I won't get offended if you call out my mistakes.


Edited by Angel Bob, Mar 08 2014 - 10:40 AM.

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"You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant."
 
-- Harlan Ellison
 
Short Stories:
 
LAST DESTINY, starring an Agori and a Turaga
 
DESCENDANT, starring Kraata-Kal and Makuta Teridax
AN EVEN EXCHANGE, starring the Makuta of Stelt
THE END OF THE BROTHERHOOD, starring Tobduk and Makuta Chirox

#2 Offline Dark_Stranger

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Posted Oct 14 2011 - 12:58 AM

It's good to have this back; "Makuta Hunt" was one of the things I missed the most while the forums were down.And the new chapter did not disappoint. More amazing fight sequences and exposition, yay! Although I liked the discovery of Subtarond nearly as much as the awesome battles, I'd have to say the best part was the reveal of Onus' true nature. Someone really does need to clean up that slime, and pronto! "That is not dead which can eternal lie, / And with strange aeons even death may die."
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#3 Offline Touko Fukawa

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Posted Oct 14 2011 - 08:41 AM

YAY! Forums are back! New chapter was very interesting... giant chains make me think of The Beast. Loved the discovery of Subatrond, and wouldn't want to meet a Blind Thing in a hurry. Also, I love the idea of Subatrond being intended as a mining tool.Miner 1: Let's make a mining tool!Miner 2: Okay!Miner 1: Let's give it the power to create earthquakes!Miner 2: Okay!Miner 1: Power of the kind that not even the mightiest Earth Toa could dream of!Miner 2: Okay!Miner 1: And then tell it that this incredible power must be used to mine on our island so we can get rich! Yeah... those Matoran didn't really think that through. Also, I love how Tobduk has gone from a killing machine to an actual person. I think Nestra's a good influence. Can't wait to see what happens next! (You sure like your clifffhangers, don't you?) Don't really understand how Tobduk could survive getting hit by lasers. I nderstand electricity, but lasers? All in all, however, very nice!
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"Only the insane equate pain with success.

Only the savage regard endurance of pain as a measure of worth.

Only the foolish consider pain to be just wages for being different".- The Cheshire Cat  (American McGee's Alice/Alice:Madness Returns)


#4 Offline -Toa Lhikevikk-

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Posted Oct 14 2011 - 03:28 PM

Ooh. After six long months of waiting, Makuta Hunt is finally back with the forums, and very spooky now. :surprised: Onus in particular, though he was uninteresting at first, is rapidly becoming a favourite character of mine. Our first glimpse of Subtarond also gave me chills. This episode is beginning to remind of some of the old Fourth Doctor stories.(Even you probably haven't seen those yet. Or have you?) I don't like the new centered formatting though. Looks weird.
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#5 Offline Magnus Greel

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Posted Oct 14 2011 - 03:35 PM

I'm glad to see both this and the forums back. I've missed reading about Tobduk and his adventures. Now, I must say that chapter four, although lengthy, was very exciting. I enjoyed Brond's and Tobduk's epic fight, as well as the miners' convesation. Definately found the truth around Onus as eerie, especially the part with the earth being alive. And someting tells me that Subtarond's discovery will not turn out well...

Several nearby rock formations shattered into fragments, and one wall gained a Tobduk-shaped hole.

:P

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#6 Offline Yaldabaoth

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Posted Oct 14 2011 - 04:47 PM

@ Great Cthulhu: Thanks, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. :P Glad you liked Onus' reveal; surprisingly enough, I had planned that from the beginning, instead of coming up with it at random like I normally do with plot twists. (They never go to plan...) So it's good to know people like it. @ LotTL: Oh, right... uh-oh, Subtarond's backstory sounds a lot like Greg's "Oh, the Great Beings made that" explanations. I'd hoped to avoid stuff like that. :o @ Lhik: Still haven't seen any Fourth Doctor stories, no, although I saw a few minutes of The Key to Time, when they were looking at the Mona Lisa. But I digress. Anyway, the centered format is something I can't figure out; that just sort of happened. It's weird, because nowhere along the line do I ever put it into centered format, but all of a sudden here it is... :shrugs: @ Magnus: Believe me, Subtarond's discovery is going to have serious repercussions for certain people. And yes, that is kind of funny, I guess. XD
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"You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant."
 
-- Harlan Ellison
 
Short Stories:
 
LAST DESTINY, starring an Agori and a Turaga
 
DESCENDANT, starring Kraata-Kal and Makuta Teridax
AN EVEN EXCHANGE, starring the Makuta of Stelt
THE END OF THE BROTHERHOOD, starring Tobduk and Makuta Chirox

#7 Offline Reborn King Dr. Cakey

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Posted Oct 16 2011 - 05:40 PM

Well, I'm a first-time reader, and so far I'm quite interested. This is solidly written, and the plot is intriguing. There are some minor nitpicks I could make about word choice if I were to put my editor hat on, but they're so minor as to not be worth mentioning. If I were to make complaints, they would be these: first, Subtarond needs a better back story. You can come up with something I'm sure. And second, Brond seems evil to the point of absurdity. His default reaction to everything is to kill the nearest Matoran. He's going to run out of workers quite quickly.
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A whole lot of tsudoishi negai turning into one big aratani kagayaku hoshi.


#8 Offline Yaldabaoth

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Posted Oct 16 2011 - 07:21 PM

It's always nice to see a new face (well, avatar) around here. Thanks for your compliments, and thanks more for your constructive criticism. I'll gladly concede that Subtarond's backstory could have been better; as it is, he sounds like one of those ridiculous "The Great Beings made that" explanations in the official story. As for Brond, that is definitely a flaw in a leader, yes. Thankfully, not all my Makuta are such psychopaths, but I'll be sure to place limits (such as sanity) on the trigger-happy ones in future. Currently, Brond defies the Evil Overlord List's rule 32: "I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by." XD I should do a Makuta who abides by every rule of that list, just to see if it would even be possible to beat him.
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"You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant."
 
-- Harlan Ellison
 
Short Stories:
 
LAST DESTINY, starring an Agori and a Turaga
 
DESCENDANT, starring Kraata-Kal and Makuta Teridax
AN EVEN EXCHANGE, starring the Makuta of Stelt
THE END OF THE BROTHERHOOD, starring Tobduk and Makuta Chirox

#9 Offline Nevermore

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Posted Oct 17 2011 - 05:24 PM

I like the latest chapters but I passionately dislike how you call Subtarond and previously Aktoros "gods" could that please be changed?

Edited by MoC1, Oct 17 2011 - 05:24 PM.

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#10 Offline Elrond of Rivendell

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Posted Oct 17 2011 - 11:11 PM

Just a clarifying question: is Onus something like one of the rock monsters in Lego Rock Raiders?
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#11 Offline -Toa Lhikevikk-

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Posted Oct 18 2011 - 10:27 AM

Excellent chapter (as usual :P) although Brond's death seemed kinda pathetic. (Assuming he died at all, of course.) Nestra's speech to the earth was a definite Crowning Moment of Awesome for her, even though I get this cheesy feeling that I've heard it hundreds of times... :P And the slime is alive! I KNEW IT! XD
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#12 Offline Touko Fukawa

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Posted Oct 18 2011 - 11:49 AM

For the very embodiment of an element, the Earth is seeming slightly weak and underpowered, but that is the only complaint of mineabout this marvelous chapter! I love Nestra's speech, which does remind me terribly of... nah, no-one important. :P On another note, THE SLIME IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I bet it's Indusko. I also wonder whether Brond will actually die at any point. Also, have you noticed that whenever a villain of ANY SORT releases a more powerful villain OF ANY SORT they ALWAYS regret it? Very nice building up the tension, don't really like Subatrond being reffered to as a god, though, I think with Atrokos it made sense, but Subatrond is just a berserk mining tool. Also, a thought just occured to me. What kind of Matoran miner would be able to create something like Subatrond?
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"Only the insane equate pain with success.

Only the savage regard endurance of pain as a measure of worth.

Only the foolish consider pain to be just wages for being different".- The Cheshire Cat  (American McGee's Alice/Alice:Madness Returns)


#13 Offline Yaldabaoth

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Posted Oct 18 2011 - 03:03 PM

@ MoC1: Nobody seems to like that. I suppose I'll avoid calling them that in future. And don't worry, there aren't any more stories with the Makuta trying to awaken an ancient being of power, so that's not going to be an issue again. @ Lhik: That's not the last we'll see of Brond. And as for Nestra, well, heroes don't have to be original. If they did, they'd have run out of villain-stopping ideas long before. :P (Hey, if the shoe fits, wear it.) @ LotTL: Technically speaking, the being we call the Earth is a greater earth elemental whom the Earth speaks through. It in and of itself is much weaker than Earth as a whole, but yes, I see where you're coming from. ... And who says Brond regrets releasing Subtarond? :sly: Finally, as for the Matoran miners... well... like we've said, Subtarond needs a better backstory. XD
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"You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant."
 
-- Harlan Ellison
 
Short Stories:
 
LAST DESTINY, starring an Agori and a Turaga
 
DESCENDANT, starring Kraata-Kal and Makuta Teridax
AN EVEN EXCHANGE, starring the Makuta of Stelt
THE END OF THE BROTHERHOOD, starring Tobduk and Makuta Chirox

#14 Offline Magnus Greel

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Posted Oct 18 2011 - 03:36 PM

I found that the slime being alive was shocking. Other than that, I thought the chapter was pretty good. I thought the way you described Subtarond and his powers was impressive.
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#15 Offline Baron Von Nebula

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Posted Oct 18 2011 - 03:59 PM

Would the Earth be like the Energized Protodermis Entity, but for dirt?I'm going to be the guy who guesses it: Brond inhabits Subtarond's staff for his new armor... Nah.Could the living slime be related to the laughing guy at the end of Dissassembly Line?
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#16 Offline Dark_Stranger

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Posted Oct 19 2011 - 12:46 PM

A wonderful penultimate chapter--lots of cliffhangers, but all of them are fairly well constructed. I'm particularly curious as to whether Brond will have to improvise something on the spot, or if he planned for Subtarond's less than grateful attitude. "That is not dead which can eternal lie, / And with strange aeons even death may die."
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#17 Offline Yaldabaoth

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Posted Oct 20 2011 - 05:26 PM

@ Magnus: You didn't like the living slime? @ BVN: If you want to think of it that way, then sure. It's like an avatar of the Earth, a representative, if you will. As for the others... well, who can fathom the wisdom of Mata Nui me? :P @ Cthulhu: A Makuta always has a plan. They're like the Doctor. XD
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"You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant."
 
-- Harlan Ellison
 
Short Stories:
 
LAST DESTINY, starring an Agori and a Turaga
 
DESCENDANT, starring Kraata-Kal and Makuta Teridax
AN EVEN EXCHANGE, starring the Makuta of Stelt
THE END OF THE BROTHERHOOD, starring Tobduk and Makuta Chirox

#18 Offline Magnus Greel

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Posted Oct 20 2011 - 07:32 PM

I did like it. It certainly surprised me. :) It also makes me wonder if this slime has some devious plan... Edit: A great chapter, full of good ideas. I liked Brond's way of stealing Subtarond's body, the way the titan was defeated, Brond's return (the way he turned the drill into a body was pretty cool), and Helryx's cameo. Mentioning about Tuyet's murders was a good idea too. Now I know around what time the stories are taking place (I got a little lost =P). The best part was the cliffhanger at the end. I definately liked how you described the Poison Makuta, and I'm guessing that's Indusko? But we'll find out soon, I'm sure. The ending makes me excited for what we'll see next. :)

Edited by Magnus Greel, Oct 28 2011 - 09:02 PM.

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#19 Offline Dark_Stranger

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Posted Oct 28 2011 - 10:49 PM

A very nice finale to one of the better episodes. Brond's defeat was pretty awesome, as was Subtarond's. Also, as Magnus Greel said, the "historical" context is an inspired touch. But those cliffhangers...I am consumed with suspense! "That is not dead which can eternal lie / And with strange aeons even death may die."

Edited by Great Cthulhu, Oct 28 2011 - 11:09 PM.

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#20 Offline Touko Fukawa

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Posted Oct 29 2011 - 04:02 AM

Ohh... cliffhanger! The defeat of Subatrond and Brond were brilliant. I also love how Tobduk calls Subatrodn out on his so called godhood. I bet the poison Makuta is either Indusko, was commanding Indusko, or stole Indusko's research. Also, I bet the wolf will be called Fenrir.
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"Only the insane equate pain with success.

Only the savage regard endurance of pain as a measure of worth.

Only the foolish consider pain to be just wages for being different".- The Cheshire Cat  (American McGee's Alice/Alice:Madness Returns)


#21 Offline Nevermore

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Posted Oct 29 2011 - 07:57 AM

Nice ending, I like how you described the slime-makuta in the ending, but it creeped me out.

Edited by MoC1, Oct 29 2011 - 07:57 AM.

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#22 Offline Yaldabaoth

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Posted Oct 29 2011 - 11:55 AM

@ Magnus: Nothing but praise for this chapter, eh? :P It's all right, praise helps too. I'm quite proud of this finale, and this episode in general. With any luck at all - and steady reviews - Makuta Hunt will only get better and better. @ Cthulhu: Lol, what would a story be without cliffhangers? XD The worst part, for you guys, is that the poison Makuta's story will only be developed in the finale of Series Two - you'll have to wait through Episode 7: Dark Moonlight before any answers are given. :evilgrin: @ LotL: Not a bad guess, either of them... But that's all I'm saying. @ MoC1: The poison Makuta creeped you out? Well, then, a job well done. It is Halloween-time, after all. :P Also, whilst digging through my PM inbox, I unearthed a little sneak preview I sent you all last Christmas. I hope to send a similar one sometime this year, but I need to write about 12 chapters first. Uh-oh... I don't have 12 weeks left in this year... D8 I might have to speed up my production times, shorten Dark Moonlight, and/or delay our Christmas special until next year. But I don't want to do any of those things. Hm... :(

Edited by Angel Bob, Oct 29 2011 - 12:12 PM.

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"You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant."
 
-- Harlan Ellison
 
Short Stories:
 
LAST DESTINY, starring an Agori and a Turaga
 
DESCENDANT, starring Kraata-Kal and Makuta Teridax
AN EVEN EXCHANGE, starring the Makuta of Stelt
THE END OF THE BROTHERHOOD, starring Tobduk and Makuta Chirox

#23 Offline -Toa Lhikevikk-

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Posted Oct 29 2011 - 03:11 PM

Love the finale, but Tobduk is getting surprisingly different from the original character. I wonder if we'll see him get back to the cold, hard schemer from Destiny War and Brothers in Arms? The "poison Makuta" is indeed creepy, even though he reminds me a lot of... never mind, you know where this was going, don't you. :P (I say we name him Reuben!) Really looking forward to Dark Moonlight. :D
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#24 Offline Yaldabaoth

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Posted Oct 29 2011 - 03:46 PM

Yes - I, too, have noticed Tobduk's personality deviating alarmingly far from the Tobduk we were shown in official serials. I'll warn you, though, by the end of this series his hardships will probably have pushed Tobduk right back to where he started... :sly: EDIT: In all seriousness, though, guys, I have a problem. I want to conclude Series Two by Christmas, so I can post the Christmas special on Christmas Day. I don't have three months until then, which is how long it would probably take me to post Dark Moonlight and The Poisoned Island at my usual pace. That's assuming nothing gets in the way of weekly updates, which is a big assumption. The way I see it, the easiest solution is to nix Dark Moonlight and skip straight to The Poisoned Island, making Series Two a three-episode, shortened season. Dark Moonlight has several interesting ideas in it, but ultimately it wouldn't contribute that much to the ongoing storyline. The Poisoned Island, meanwhile, is the series finale and has lots of epicness planned for it, most of it tying into Tobduk's back-story. I want this series done by 2012, and at my current rate it would be very difficult to cram two full episodes in between now and Christmas. Ultimately, I think it would be for the better to skip Dark Moonlight and start The Poisoned Island. So the next episode will be The Poisoned Island.

Edited by Angel Bob, Oct 30 2011 - 08:18 PM.

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"You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant."
 
-- Harlan Ellison
 
Short Stories:
 
LAST DESTINY, starring an Agori and a Turaga
 
DESCENDANT, starring Kraata-Kal and Makuta Teridax
AN EVEN EXCHANGE, starring the Makuta of Stelt
THE END OF THE BROTHERHOOD, starring Tobduk and Makuta Chirox

#25 Offline -Toa Lhikevikk-

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Posted Oct 31 2011 - 10:12 AM

You'll still consider writing Dark Moonlight afterwards, though, right? Please? :(
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#26 Offline Maganar

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Posted Oct 31 2011 - 03:16 PM

Even if you hadn't had a Weeping Angel for an avatar, I still could have told immediately that you were a Doctor Who fan. Dr. Who episodes have a great propensity for cliffhangers, and so does this. Anyways...the writing is solid and you describe every aspect of the environment and characters sufficiently. The thing I hate most is when you read a great action sequence, but the writing only describes the action and not the surroundings or characters. Also, the characters are not stereotypical. Brond was probably that most insidiously developed. You made him look like an archetypical warlord (cruelly annihilating faithful servants, foolishly raising one more powerful than him in hopes of ruling at its side), but it turned out it was all an act so that he could get a shot at taking over Subtarond's body. Sneaky character development red herrings there :sneaky: . Also, I loved The Earth's involvment. It added an additional layer of depth to the story. Lastly, the concept behind the entire installment set a nightmarish theme that you successfully maintained: the omnipotent earth weapon in the hand of an earth-armored Makuta with earth elementals presiding over a subtarranean community...the onslaught of Earth in an underground world leaves us unsure if the ground we step on is safe! I need to read earlier installments...but I have trouble finding criticism for this one. I let you know if I spot anything to improve your writing in the earlier episodes that you haven't addressed once I've read those. I greatly enjoyed this one. You seem to know this, but just to reiterate Lhikevikk's warning - you always have to watch where you are headed with canon characters in fanfic, but so far I find Tobduk consistent and I am enjoying this awesome addition to his story. That should be it.
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#27 Offline Yaldabaoth

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Posted Oct 31 2011 - 05:59 PM

@ Lhik: Certainly. I fully intend to come back to it sometime. I just have a deadline to meet, that's all, so it will not be shown just yet. @ Maganar: Thanks so much for that review. That helps a lot. :) I'm glad to hear that Brond and the episode itself have a bit of depth. I thought it might, but the author really can't judge his own work. :P That's why I need reviews to tell me I did things well, in addition to constructive criticism. As for the earth theme, I enjoy doing that sort of thing. Most all of my Makuta Hunt episodes have a central elemental theme - not always as much as The Subtarond Project, but still present. And it's very good to hear that I'm keeping Tobduk's personality consistent, because that's one of my biggest worries about Makuta Hunt - that I'll stray too far from canon, or even stray too far from my own Tobduk. I'll warn you, though, some of the earlier ones are pretty bad in retrospect. :o
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"You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant."
 
-- Harlan Ellison
 
Short Stories:
 
LAST DESTINY, starring an Agori and a Turaga
 
DESCENDANT, starring Kraata-Kal and Makuta Teridax
AN EVEN EXCHANGE, starring the Makuta of Stelt
THE END OF THE BROTHERHOOD, starring Tobduk and Makuta Chirox

#28 Offline Maganar

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Posted Oct 31 2011 - 06:23 PM

That's fine if they weren't good at first...I mean, whose are?

@ Maganar: Thanks so much for that review. That helps a lot. :) I'm glad to hear that Brond and the episode itself have a bit of depth. I thought it might, but the author really can't judge his own work. :P That's why I need reviews to tell me I did things well, in addition to constructive criticism. As for the earth theme, I enjoy doing that sort of thing. Most all of my Makuta Hunt episodes have a central elemental theme - not always as much as The Subtarond Project, but still present. And it's very good to hear that I'm keeping Tobduk's personality consistent, because that's one of my biggest worries about Makuta Hunt - that I'll stray too far from canon, or even stray too far from my own Tobduk. I'll warn you, though, some of the earlier ones are pretty bad in retrospect. :o

As for Tobduk, the simple thing is this: you've made him a bit dynamic, so he has evolved over your episodes as I understand. Considering we never saw Tobduk in canon long enough to find out if GregF meant for him to be static or dynamic, that's fine. What I see is a completely feasible evolution of a character, so I can call that consistent. I'll look into your earlier work; I'm especially interested in the undead Makuta idea (I always thought something like that could be pulled off in Bionicle). Just putting this out there: if you want to return the favor, review my first epic when I put it up. I am 2/3 done with it (I might need to put it up in volumes - it's already 22 pages in MS Word!), but I could be a while before I put any up: I want to be 100% done before I put up any installments. My Language Arts teachers have told my I'm a powerful fiction writer, but those were only 5 page or less deals. I want to see if I can do as good of a job in a longer work, e.g. my epic when it goes up. I'll PM you or something when I put it up *cough*maybe in a matter of several months - don't get excited*cough*

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#29 Offline Yaldabaoth

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Posted Nov 01 2011 - 02:59 PM

Ah, yes, I understand the problems with working on big stories. I've done epics before, albeit with no planning. They really snowballed. For the moment, I'm best at shorter stories, so that's where I'm staying at present. I'll be sure to follow your epic closely when it appears, though. :)
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"You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant."
 
-- Harlan Ellison
 
Short Stories:
 
LAST DESTINY, starring an Agori and a Turaga
 
DESCENDANT, starring Kraata-Kal and Makuta Teridax
AN EVEN EXCHANGE, starring the Makuta of Stelt
THE END OF THE BROTHERHOOD, starring Tobduk and Makuta Chirox

#30 Offline Maganar

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Posted Nov 01 2011 - 08:03 PM

Exactly. Half of the events that have occured in my epic were not planned in the original outline I made. I also extended some parts considerably longer than I initially intended. When authors say "The story starts to write itself" they mean it - I'm finding out firsthand! Same for the characters. I was looking for good characterization oppotunities, but they just began to characterize themselves. It can get pretty weird. :lol:
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#31 Offline Yaldabaoth

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Posted Nov 04 2011 - 02:53 PM

The problem with my old epics, All of Reality and The Forgotten Power, is that my initial plan revolved around a revelation that several of the characters were actually the same being, who had been pulling the strings for the whole time. But then those characters involved became their own beings, and I couldn't use that plot twist any more. But since the 40+ chapters had already been set up with my original ending in mind, nothing made sense any more. (It made sense to the readers, but not to me! :P)Good news - I've gotten a banner for The Poisoned Island, so it should be up soon! :)EDIT: Well, as a result of the forum downtime, I have good news and bad news. Let's get the bad news out of the way first.BAD NEWS: Because the forum downtime took away some of the time I could have used to post chapters, there's no way I can post all of The Poisoned Island by Christmas at my usual rate.GOOD NEWS: Because I can no longer reach that deadline, I don't have to worry about it any more! So the next episode will be Dark Moonlight, as originally planned. :biggrin:BAD NEWS AGAIN: I'm not sure I'll do the Christmas special, though. Perhaps next year.

Edited by Angel Bob, Nov 26 2011 - 10:21 AM.

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"You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant."
 
-- Harlan Ellison
 
Short Stories:
 
LAST DESTINY, starring an Agori and a Turaga
 
DESCENDANT, starring Kraata-Kal and Makuta Teridax
AN EVEN EXCHANGE, starring the Makuta of Stelt
THE END OF THE BROTHERHOOD, starring Tobduk and Makuta Chirox

#32 Offline -Toa Lhikevikk-

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Posted Nov 27 2011 - 06:08 PM

@your AoR/TFP revelation: Really? That's interesting. So that's why you abandoned them. Oh well.Anyway, it's kind of a bland start to the new episode. The dialogue feels strangely Shakespearean here, which is weird because I haven't read much Shakespeare. :P Tobduk's flashback (forward? sideways?) is fascinating, and I really want to know what Renfen drew. But the really big question that I had throughout the chapter has to be...[dramatic pause]...is Fohnt Times New Roman or Courier New?
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#33 Offline Maganar

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Posted Nov 27 2011 - 11:20 PM

Luporax? A creature that comes out under the cover of moonlight? So it's a werewolf-inspired installment this time. Can't wait to see how this shapes up!As Lhikevikk mentioned, this chapter spent considerable time on eloquence and setting. It did that fine, but the next chapter should start to pick up with some action if you want to maintain interest. If this chapter, just being the intro that it is, is the only one to stall on the action in order to build up emotional tension, then it is doing its job. ...But chapter 2 needs to get things moving.So far, so awesome. I'm intrigued.
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#34 Offline Yaldabaoth

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Posted Nov 28 2011 - 10:29 AM

@ Lhik: Oops. We've been reading Romeo & Juliet in school. It must be rubbing off on me. As for Fohnt's name, well, I concede it's a bit odd. :P@ Maganar: Don't worry - you'll notice that the Matoran of Lunidel are preparing for a struggle...
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"You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant."
 
-- Harlan Ellison
 
Short Stories:
 
LAST DESTINY, starring an Agori and a Turaga
 
DESCENDANT, starring Kraata-Kal and Makuta Teridax
AN EVEN EXCHANGE, starring the Makuta of Stelt
THE END OF THE BROTHERHOOD, starring Tobduk and Makuta Chirox

#35 Offline Nevermore

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Posted Nov 28 2011 - 01:40 PM

I like the slight Shakespearean tone of it, you should make an episode that highlights that, and you're not the only one reading Shakespeare for school, I'm reading "Twelfth Night." The monster is pretty obvious but it was made to be obvious, at least it seems that way from the name of the island and its Makuta....And I say that Fohnt is either American Typewriter or Apple Chancery.

Edited by MoC1, Nov 28 2011 - 01:41 PM.

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#36 Offline Dark_Stranger

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Posted Nov 28 2011 - 01:42 PM

This is a murder mystery, in which Tobduk is the detective...the question is not "Who is the murderer?", but "Who is the werewolf?"Gad, I need to stop making obscure jokes like that...Anyway, this was a well-constructed, powerful opening to the new episode. I particularly enjoyed the passage on Tobduk's past, and the scene with Nestra--the former gives some nice additional depth to his character, and the latter shows that her outings with Tobduk do not go unnoticed (I smell plot point!). And the cliffhanger with Renfen's doodles is intriguing, although, this early in the narrative, it seems more like a decoy than anything else. "That is not dead which can eternal lie, / And with strange aeons even death may die."
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#37 Offline Yaldabaoth

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Posted Nov 28 2011 - 03:37 PM

@ MoC1: Yeah, lycanthropy is the dominant "theme" of this episode, rather than an elemental theme. Although, now that I think of it, if anyone really wants to find an elemental theme in this episode, you could relate it to light and shadow...@ Cthulhu: Thanks for your appreciation of this chapter. There's not really any "action" in it, but you'll notice that there's never much action in my first chapters. The first chapter is about setting the stage and introducing some concepts that can quickly be built into real tension. And, yes, some of that tension will be fight scenes, so everyone should be satisfied. :PAs for the Shakespeare, well, I have a bit of an excuse with Nestra and the Turaga; I established pretty early on that Nestra, at least, spoke with big words and sort of Shakespearean phrasing, so it's not unreasonable to extend that trait to all Ce-Matoran. But for the Matoran of Lunidel (who, by the way, are Matoran of Magnetism), it makes a little less sense. Oops. XD

Edited by Angel Bob, Dec 14 2011 - 08:18 PM.

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"You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant."
 
-- Harlan Ellison
 
Short Stories:
 
LAST DESTINY, starring an Agori and a Turaga
 
DESCENDANT, starring Kraata-Kal and Makuta Teridax
AN EVEN EXCHANGE, starring the Makuta of Stelt
THE END OF THE BROTHERHOOD, starring Tobduk and Makuta Chirox

#38 Offline Maganar

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Posted Nov 28 2011 - 05:36 PM

@ Cthulhu: Thanks for your appreciation of this chapter. There's not really "action" in it, but you'll notice that there's never much action in my first chapters. The first chapter is about setting the stage and introducing some concepts that can quickly be built into real tension. And, yes, some of that tension will be fight scenes, so everyone should be satisfied. :P

That's what I'd taken from it. If that was your intention, you did it. Matter of fact, that's kinda what I was trying to say in my post, but you worded it clearer.

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#39 Offline Magnus Greel

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Posted Nov 29 2011 - 10:19 PM

Apologies for the delayed review.I thought the scenes and surrounding were nicely described, and anything with a werewolf in it is bound to be a thrill, in my opinion. Renfen's drawing's intrigue me as well... a picture that has to do with the Wolf's past, or a dream he had, maybe? We'll see soon, I'm sure.The banner for this chapter looks great, by the way.
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#40 Offline Yaldabaoth

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Posted Nov 30 2011 - 07:51 PM

@ Magnus: You'll find out there's more to Renfen than it would appear... :evilgrin:Glad to see everyone is happy about the werewolf theme. I myself thought it was a bit of a risky move, but anything can work in BIONICLE, really, if you find a good enough explanation. And believe me, there's a very rewarding explanation awaiting you here. :sly:Thanks about the banner, although that should be said to 55555. He makes them, not me. :PAlso, @ Lhik: Because I'm never actually going to finish AoR/TFP, I might as well explain that the initial plan was to have Kaorl and Mordus both be alter egos of the Shadow. However, as you know, they developed into their own characters. That, plus all the extra plot ideas I threw into the cauldron, resulted in a real mess. (This is basically what happened with most of the BIONICLE serials, you'll notice, and that's because I wrote it the same way Greg does -- without drafts or outlines, just writing whatever sounds cool at the time. Were my Magman Draugs necessary? Not at all. Heck, was the Magmaflare tribe necessary at all? Nope...)
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"You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant."
 
-- Harlan Ellison
 
Short Stories:
 
LAST DESTINY, starring an Agori and a Turaga
 
DESCENDANT, starring Kraata-Kal and Makuta Teridax
AN EVEN EXCHANGE, starring the Makuta of Stelt
THE END OF THE BROTHERHOOD, starring Tobduk and Makuta Chirox




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