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Defiance

Short Story A work of Lord Darkon

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5 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Prodigal

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Posted Jan 29 2012 - 02:39 PM

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Edited by Prodigal, Jun 19 2015 - 09:12 PM.

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#2 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jan 29 2012 - 09:13 PM

You have a great writing style, but your pen tends to lead you in grim directions. It actually would have been fun if Onua had actually won. I like the characterisation of Onua, but this is a depressor, albeit a strike back at TLG's lack of characterization of him. The only weakness I can think of is that the Bionicles in your story are a bit more human than Bionicle.

Edited by fishers64, Jan 29 2012 - 09:17 PM.

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#3 Offline Prodigal

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Posted Jan 30 2012 - 12:41 PM

You have a great writing style, but your pen tends to lead you in grim directions. It actually would have been fun if Onua had actually won.I like the characterisation of Onua, but this is a depressor, albeit a strike back at TLG's lack of characterization of him. The only weakness I can think of is that the Bionicles in your story are a bit more human than Bionicle.

I tend to have depressing endings. I should put a WARNING: LACK OF POSITIVE ENERGY above all stories. XDAbout my bionicles being human, I write a lot of human-character stories, so that's always something I have troubles with.

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#4 Offline Zaxvo

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Posted Feb 08 2012 - 07:35 PM

Hey, Zaxvo here from the SSCC!I want to start off by saying that this is a really great short story. Your focus on Onua leads to some pretty great character development, moreso than LEGO was able to pull off. Well done. I liked the post-apocalyptic style world, that sort of theme is a great fit for Teridax's reign. Also, the way you threw in "Reign of Shadows" was well done. Lastly, you have a the ability to churn out motivational speeches...a lot of the dialogue in here was great; I could see it being in a movie and turning into an internet meme like Aragorn's "But that day is not this day" speech from LotR. So overall well done.Some constructive criticism...you have a love of numbers. I don't really need the full breakdown of how many Rahkshi were there, how many Skakdi, etc. It breaks up the flow of the story. I think the worst example of this is

30 Toa, 40 Skakdi, 20 Vortixx, 30 Matoran, and various other beings were all that were left.

Also, while I enjoyed the battle sequence, the whole line about the nova blast was out of place. One does not simply activate a Nova Blast; it's a powerful weapon that requires much concentration. And its result is too casually given...Onua just killed more than 500 beings, and you jsut shrugged and mentioned it in passing. And given the usual concentration of people in a battle, I doubt Onua would have activated it unless he knew he was the last man.My suggestion is that he realizes he's the last one left, sets off the Nova Blast, and then is too weak to put up much of a fight against the remaining army. Or that one Nova blast destroys the army and he escapes, but if you go that route you have to explain why the Toa didn't simply send out only one Toa to destroy the army in the first place. Overall, this was a great story. My only suggestions are that you remove some of those extensive lists and maybe give the Nova blast a little more significance.

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#5 Offline Mel

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Posted Feb 09 2012 - 09:58 AM

You have a great writing style, but your pen tends to lead you in grim directions. It actually would have been fun if Onua had actually won.I like the characterisation of Onua, but this is a depressor, albeit a strike back at TLG's lack of characterization of him. The only weakness I can think of is that the Bionicles in your story are a bit more human than Bionicle.

I tend to have depressing endings. I should put a WARNING: LACK OF POSITIVE ENERGY above all stories. XDAbout my bionicles being human, I write a lot of human-character stories, so that's always something I have troubles with.

I when I started this I thought..."there's no way anyone can be more emo than me!", and the I was like "oh.."Kudos to actually having the guts to kill off your characters though. I just angst way to much.About Onua's characterization: I see no problem in making him more human, especially since what defines the character of bionicle and what defines "human" is so broad. There's I difference between characterizing him as human, however, and putting him in human situations. This whole thing remindes me strongly of LOTR. Maybe it's just me but Bionicle never seemed to evoke European "high fantasy". I always thought of Onua as more soft-spoken; he's supposed to be the type who speeks only when it is necesary. Not to say that he is incapable of being inspiring, but I never saw him as the type to go waving war hammers around. That is more Tahu's area, IMO.Makuta doesn't seem to be the type to waste words either. I feel he would just be silent (a lot creepier) and then laugh to himself as he watches them die.The battle was sort of a let down; I feel I should have been more invested in the characters that I was. I think Zaxvo's mentioned everything else. Your writing is definitely inproving though. Keep it up! ^^

Edited by Yukiko, Feb 09 2012 - 10:02 AM.

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#6 Offline Prodigal

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Posted Feb 09 2012 - 05:54 PM

Thank you for your reviews!Re-reading my story, I cringed at how bad at the ride into battle was. The number-thing is probably the weirdest writing trouble I have. Glad you liked the rest of it!
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