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Defiance

Short Story A work of Lord Darkon

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#1 Offline Kilgore Trout

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Posted Jan 29 2012 - 02:39 PM

Defiance Onua stood in front of the large crowd, watching the frightened faces of Toa, Skakdi, and other species he didn’t even know existed. The fright and nervousness in their faces made the Toa Nuva frown. No one should have to be afraid of the land they live on, or the words they say. These thoughts added to his anger at their oppressor, causing him to begin his speech from where he stood, in the center of an abandoned arena.“Beings of freedom!” Roared the Toa of earth, raising his arms into the air to add to his voice. “The time has come! The evil we have battled has won one battle, albeit a important one, but we must not surrender! How many of you have lost loved ones, friends, or brothers-in-arms?”A large percentage of the crowd’s residents’ eyes began to fill with tears at the mention of loss of loved ones, and a Toa of electricity in the back even started sobbing.“We have fought in the shadows our enemy once used, striking their forces when it was crucial, and stealing back into the blackness before they realized what happened! Now, we must fully rebel, we must throw off the yoke of oppression, we must regain out freedom and happiness!” Onua thundered in his larger-than-life voice, accompanying each word with a motion of his arms. “For we are warriors, and we will defend our way of life!” At this, many of the crowd stood up, grasping their weapons, and repeating Onua’s words. Onua resumed his speaking, his voice raising morale at a immense rate. “We will fight!” This too was accompanied by a echo, the crowed smashing their swords against their shields, adding to the uproar.“We will fight to the last man, to the last sword, to the last minute of our existence, to the last inch of ground! We will work as one to over throw this beast of oppression, and grant happiness to our children, our children’s children, and every generation after it!” Onua roared, his voice raising to a immense level, but never losing it’s deep, gravelly sound. “The very earth may challenge us, but by Mata-Nui’s will, we will be free. I have lost my brothers and sister to this evil, and I swear, I will not allow another to be lost.” He finished. Everyone in the crowd was standing now, shouting at the top of their lungs. The sight saddened Onua. So many people, ready to forsake their lives for the freedom and happiness of their children and loved ones. What was the universe coming too? Why did such a evil exist? Questions with out answers. But those would be addressed later. For now, he must lead these beings, ready to die selflessly for others, into battle. Grabbing his war-hammer, Onua lifted it into the air, and roared a defiance. “Teridax, your reign is over! Your game of shadows has come to a end, and none of your back-up plans will work! Your armies are marching, we can all hear them, but you will not break our spirits! You may mangle and destroy are bodies, but our souls will leave these worthless shells and continue to defy your evil.”At this, a sly, raspy voice rang through the air, seemingly from nowhere, yet everywhere. “Brave speech, little one, but it has no meaning. You all, and everyone you know, will die in a most excruciating fashion, and these grounds will be salted. Just to make a example of you fools.”Onua never faltered. “Death does not matter now, for your shadows have been banished, and your time of rule has came to a end.” With that, the Toa of earth slung his hammer across his shoulder, and marched out of the arena, the other warriors marching behind him, over five hundred in number. Fear consumed Onua’s mind. What if they lost? What if Makuta struck them down before they could even wound him? A large grassy plain stretched as far as the eye could see all around him, except for the sea, which calmly lapped against the beach a few hundred yards away. Around 300 yards in front of him, a group of over two hundred Exo-Toa stood, towering over the 800 Rahkshi below them, looking for all the world like gigantic statues, unnaturally still.The silence was terrible. No one spoke. Some Rahi could be heard chirping in the air, adding a unnerving calmness to the scene. Then all Karzahni broke loose. Onua roared a barbaric battle cry as he surged forward with everyone else, his heart pounding in both fear and anticipation. The two armies crashed together, Exo-Toa leading the charge, with the Rahkshi blasting away behind them. Onua raised his hands, and the very ground beneath the Rahkshi ranks burst open, sending them flying. The Exo-Toa were literally crushing his forces, and the sounds of beings male and female screaming and pain filled the air. Onua and a Toa of Sonics pressed the attack, slowly pushing the Exo-Toa away, and giving the few Mask of Healing users time to heal the beings not yet dead. A Toa of fire appeared on Onua’s right, reminding him of Tahu in all his bravery. The Exo-Toa’s numbers were dwindling, and more and more Toa were making their way to the front lines to launch devastating elemental attacks.Onua cursed at the Exo-Toa fired missiles at them, sending all of them flying back. The onslaught continued, and most of his forces were already gone. 30 Toa, 40 Skakdi, 20 Vortixx, 30 Matoran, and various other beings were all that were left. As Onua and his remaining forces charged forward, the ground began to swallow them, showing that Teridax was watching and orchestrating the battle. As Onua charged forward, all of his forces, except around 20 fighters were consumed by the earth itself. “We will fight to the last man, to the last sword, to the last minute of our existence, to the last inch of ground!” Onua shouted as he activated a Toa Nova blast directly in front of him, and motioned for all of his forces to stand their ground. The land beneath the Exo-Toa and surviving Rahkshi burst into pieces, killing 50% of their forces. Onua continued his mad rush, the war cry he had uttered repeating in his hand. He was truly the last man, however, since the remaining twenty had been killed by Teridax’s power. “We will fight to the last man, to the last sword, to the last minute of our existence, to the last inch of ground! We will fight to the last man, to the last swor-” Onua’s war cry was ended as a Rahkshi staff pierced his armor and went out his back. With a gasp, the last man fell to the ground, blooding seeping from his wounds. Any chance of freedom from Teridax died with him. The End
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#2 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jan 29 2012 - 09:13 PM

You have a great writing style, but your pen tends to lead you in grim directions. It actually would have been fun if Onua had actually won. I like the characterisation of Onua, but this is a depressor, albeit a strike back at TLG's lack of characterization of him. The only weakness I can think of is that the Bionicles in your story are a bit more human than Bionicle.

Edited by fishers64, Jan 29 2012 - 09:17 PM.

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#3 Offline Kilgore Trout

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Posted Jan 30 2012 - 12:41 PM

You have a great writing style, but your pen tends to lead you in grim directions. It actually would have been fun if Onua had actually won.I like the characterisation of Onua, but this is a depressor, albeit a strike back at TLG's lack of characterization of him. The only weakness I can think of is that the Bionicles in your story are a bit more human than Bionicle.

I tend to have depressing endings. I should put a WARNING: LACK OF POSITIVE ENERGY above all stories. XDAbout my bionicles being human, I write a lot of human-character stories, so that's always something I have troubles with.

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#4 Offline Zaxvo

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Posted Feb 08 2012 - 07:35 PM

Hey, Zaxvo here from the SSCC!I want to start off by saying that this is a really great short story. Your focus on Onua leads to some pretty great character development, moreso than LEGO was able to pull off. Well done. I liked the post-apocalyptic style world, that sort of theme is a great fit for Teridax's reign. Also, the way you threw in "Reign of Shadows" was well done. Lastly, you have a the ability to churn out motivational speeches...a lot of the dialogue in here was great; I could see it being in a movie and turning into an internet meme like Aragorn's "But that day is not this day" speech from LotR. So overall well done.Some constructive criticism...you have a love of numbers. I don't really need the full breakdown of how many Rahkshi were there, how many Skakdi, etc. It breaks up the flow of the story. I think the worst example of this is

30 Toa, 40 Skakdi, 20 Vortixx, 30 Matoran, and various other beings were all that were left.

Also, while I enjoyed the battle sequence, the whole line about the nova blast was out of place. One does not simply activate a Nova Blast; it's a powerful weapon that requires much concentration. And its result is too casually given...Onua just killed more than 500 beings, and you jsut shrugged and mentioned it in passing. And given the usual concentration of people in a battle, I doubt Onua would have activated it unless he knew he was the last man.My suggestion is that he realizes he's the last one left, sets off the Nova Blast, and then is too weak to put up much of a fight against the remaining army. Or that one Nova blast destroys the army and he escapes, but if you go that route you have to explain why the Toa didn't simply send out only one Toa to destroy the army in the first place. Overall, this was a great story. My only suggestions are that you remove some of those extensive lists and maybe give the Nova blast a little more significance.

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#5 Offline Yukiko

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Posted Feb 09 2012 - 09:58 AM

You have a great writing style, but your pen tends to lead you in grim directions. It actually would have been fun if Onua had actually won.I like the characterisation of Onua, but this is a depressor, albeit a strike back at TLG's lack of characterization of him. The only weakness I can think of is that the Bionicles in your story are a bit more human than Bionicle.

I tend to have depressing endings. I should put a WARNING: LACK OF POSITIVE ENERGY above all stories. XDAbout my bionicles being human, I write a lot of human-character stories, so that's always something I have troubles with.

I when I started this I thought..."there's no way anyone can be more emo than me!", and the I was like "oh.."Kudos to actually having the guts to kill off your characters though. I just angst way to much.About Onua's characterization: I see no problem in making him more human, especially since what defines the character of bionicle and what defines "human" is so broad. There's I difference between characterizing him as human, however, and putting him in human situations. This whole thing remindes me strongly of LOTR. Maybe it's just me but Bionicle never seemed to evoke European "high fantasy". I always thought of Onua as more soft-spoken; he's supposed to be the type who speeks only when it is necesary. Not to say that he is incapable of being inspiring, but I never saw him as the type to go waving war hammers around. That is more Tahu's area, IMO.Makuta doesn't seem to be the type to waste words either. I feel he would just be silent (a lot creepier) and then laugh to himself as he watches them die.The battle was sort of a let down; I feel I should have been more invested in the characters that I was. I think Zaxvo's mentioned everything else. Your writing is definitely inproving though. Keep it up! ^^

Edited by Yukiko, Feb 09 2012 - 10:02 AM.

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#6 Offline Kilgore Trout

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Posted Feb 09 2012 - 05:54 PM

Thank you for your reviews!Re-reading my story, I cringed at how bad at the ride into battle was. The number-thing is probably the weirdest writing trouble I have. Glad you liked the rest of it!
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