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The Coming Of A Toa (Review Topic)
Posted Feb 01 2012 - 05:31 PM
Posted Nov 16 2012 - 10:48 AM
Next, the plot. I'll admit, I'm a little confused. What is the plot? I had to kind of guess, but I arrived at the conclusion that it was about some great being rebel or other having to save Kongu and a group of human sounding matoran. Let's analyze the flaws there: First, where in the storyline is this? It sounds like a videogame to me, in many ways, but it's obvious that this takes place during the Voya Nui saga, before Kongu became a Toa Mahri. That creates a ton of inconsistencies that need to be worked out: where are they in the first place, where are the rest of the Inika? Things like that.Characters. Okay, here I almost feel like the plot was better. Matoran with human names?
The master jumped in front of the gang.“You cannot defeat me!!!!” the master bellowed. Kongu shot all 4 zamors at it without warning.“Bwa, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha”“You talk way too much,” Kongu observed. “Let’s fix that.” He shot his electric crossbow at it. Nothing. The master waved his hand in the air. The crossbow then jammed.“Run!!!” Kongu yelled to the Matoran. They did. Kongu ran after them. They just barely missed the attack of the master’s giant blade. Now, of course, they find Renegade.“You!” Kongu said.“Me?” Renegade answered.“You killed James, and stole his mask!” Kongu was shouting now.“You don’t understand. I didn’t-”“Sure you didn’t,” Said Kongu sarcastically. His broken crossbow was aimed at Renegade’s throat.
I'm sorry, but Yanny sounds far more native to the Bionicle world than Richard or Oscar. Please, this sounds like some comedy posted in the wrong place; make the characters realistic!Grammar would have to be hard for me to critique properly, due to the extent of the errors.
They were Richard, Oscar, Yanny (she was foreign),
Use past or present tense, not both please.
Now, Toa Kongu had amazing skills. He has an electric crossbow in his right hand,
You got word filter'd. I advise just using 'dolt' there.
The creature was not an cool dude.
“But master, there leader had this big launcher thingy, and he was about to kill me, and-“
Care to mention why he said this?But yeah, my conclusion is that this needs a complete rewriting. Give us some backstory, better format and don't make everything so darn sudden! You told an entire story in 11 ultra short chapters. That's -not- good.
“Bwa, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha”
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