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The Coming Of A Toa (Review Topic)

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#1 Offline playah

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  • 31-January 12
  • 10 posts

Posted Feb 01 2012 - 05:31 PM

what do you think of the story? How much have you read?
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Word of the Month: Ubertastic

#2 Offline Zarayna

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Posted Nov 16 2012 - 10:48 AM

Honestly, I'm not sure what to say about this story. It sounds like a comedy, and yet it still is an epic. And neither in a good way.First, EXPAND. I will repeat this again to emphasize how important it is: EXPAND. There. I think I exemplified my position well: each chapter is a paragraph, and not too long of one at that. And while chapters of a paragraph can sometimes be acceptable, the ones you have seriously, seriously needed expanding. For instance, the first chapter: Here's where you introduce all of the characters, you give far too little description; you seem intent upon giving the physical abilities that it really feels flat. Next, I would advise instead of you jammed together style of formatting the words you try something like this:

The master jumped in front of the gang.“You cannot defeat me!!!!” the master bellowed. Kongu shot all 4 zamors at it without warning.“Bwa, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha”“You talk way too much,” Kongu observed. “Let’s fix that.” He shot his electric crossbow at it. Nothing. The master waved his hand in the air. The crossbow then jammed.“Run!!!” Kongu yelled to the Matoran. They did. Kongu ran after them. They just barely missed the attack of the master’s giant blade. Now, of course, they find Renegade.“You!” Kongu said.“Me?” Renegade answered.“You killed James, and stole his mask!” Kongu was shouting now.“You don’t understand. I didn’t-”“Sure you didn’t,” Said Kongu sarcastically. His broken crossbow was aimed at Renegade’s throat.

Next, the plot. I'll admit, I'm a little confused. What is the plot? I had to kind of guess, but I arrived at the conclusion that it was about some great being rebel or other having to save Kongu and a group of human sounding matoran. Let's analyze the flaws there: First, where in the storyline is this? It sounds like a videogame to me, in many ways, but it's obvious that this takes place during the Voya Nui saga, before Kongu became a Toa Mahri. That creates a ton of inconsistencies that need to be worked out: where are they in the first place, where are the rest of the Inika? Things like that.Characters. Okay, here I almost feel like the plot was better. Matoran with human names?

They were Richard, Oscar, Yanny (she was foreign),

I'm sorry, but Yanny sounds far more native to the Bionicle world than Richard or Oscar. Please, this sounds like some comedy posted in the wrong place; make the characters realistic!Grammar would have to be hard for me to critique properly, due to the extent of the errors.

Now, Toa Kongu had amazing skills. He has an electric crossbow in his right hand,

Use past or present tense, not both please.

The creature was not an cool dude.

You got word filter'd. I advise just using 'dolt' there.

“But master, there leader had this big launcher thingy, and he was about to kill me, and-“


“Bwa, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha”

Care to mention why he said this?But yeah, my conclusion is that this needs a complete rewriting. Give us some backstory, better format and don't make everything so darn sudden! You told an entire story in 11 ultra short chapters. That's -not- good.

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