Edited by Master Inika, Mar 10 2012 - 11:48 PM.
The Farmer And His Landlord
Posted Feb 04 2012 - 09:23 AM
"You are an absolute in these uncertain times. Your past is forgotten, and your
future is an empty book. You must find your own destiny, my brave adventurer."
-- Turaga Nokama
"Time and space are my playgrounds now. The physical sensations of sight and sound are quaint memories."
-- Miserix, BIONICLE: The Last Chronicle Chapter 6: A Hand Held Out Before Me
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Posted Feb 11 2012 - 09:31 PM
Posted Feb 28 2012 - 09:19 PM
Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith
When I know I can't live without a pen and paper, when I know writing is as necessary to me as breathing . . .
I know I am ready to start my voyage.
Posted Mar 04 2012 - 06:56 PM
Edited by Zeppelin, Mar 04 2012 - 06:56 PM.
Posted Jan 17 2013 - 04:02 AM
[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=#000080;]Hey there, your story has been selected for a free SSCC Charity Review![/color][/font]
[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=#000080;]Let me start off by saying well-done with the grammar. Usually I find at least one or two mistakes, but I found none here, so great job with that. Grammar is definitely a key part to any story.[/color][/font]
[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=#000080;]The story itself was fairly well written. I think the best way to describe it would just be that it's dry. Even during the "sad" parts, there wasn't really any emotion that I felt with this. On the other hand I understand that this is supposed to be a folk tale, and as such is written somewhat like a fairy-tale, but all the same, I just think that more emotion could be involved -- both happy and sad and even angry. When the farmer was happy, I really didn't feel a sense of happiness; nor sadness when he was sad or anger when the landowner did things worth being angry about. I'm not completely sure how that can be rectified, but I think part of the problem is characterization -- I just didn't really feel all that connected to the farmer at all throughout the story, but as he's obviously the good guy in this, I really should have. But again I realize that it's fairy-tale-ish, and so it can be hard to incorporate those things when you're using a writing style like this, but I think it'd be good if you could. [/color][/font]
[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=#000080;]But speaking of writing style, while this is written as a folk tale, I still would've liked to see some things explained better and less...convenient. For example meeting the veteran or what have you. Why couldn't he have just walked or jogged? As far as I am aware, mules aren't the fastest of creatures. It wouldn't be pleasant, and it would require a lot of effort, sure, but I feel like he couldn't made it if he walked quickly or jogged, without needing the convenience of the veteran. There's also the veteran himself, then. It seems like one day he was living on the street, and the next day he's living like a king. I know that's greatly exaggerated on my part, but the point is that it just didn't seem likely to me. The farmer could only give a little bit each day, and instead of saving it, I'd think that the veteran would use it to buy food or something -- after all, not many other people give him money, so what little money he is given from the farmer, wouldn't that be used for food? Perhaps it was just the way you explained it, though, and if it is made more clear why and how he is able to save for a carriage instead of spend it on money, it'd work better. [/color][/font]
[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=#000080;]And I know I rambled far too much for such a simple problem, so I'll stop there. As others have said, this was definitely a nice and well-written little folk tale, and I could see this becoming expanded into a novel or a longer short story as well. Keep writing![/color][/font]
[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=#000080;][/color][/font]
"As a writer you ask yourself to dream while awake." ~ Aimee Bender
Posted Jan 17 2013 - 01:07 PM
As everyone else has stated, I really enjoyed this story. The lesson it teaches is a good one, which makes the story even better. The ending did feel a little abrupt to me. So the Landlord did into bankrupcy, but what happened to him after that? Did he become poor as well, or did someone (like a family member or close friend) give him money to help him out? It would be nice to find out for sure what happened to the greedy Landlord after he filed for bankrupcy.
That is the only nitpick I have with your folk story. (No grammar mistakes FTW!) Keep up the good work, because I would love to read more stories like this.
Everyone is one choice away from being the bad guy in another person's story.
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Posted Jan 21 2013 - 02:47 AM
I love stories that have a deeper meaning behind the words of the creator. I think you did a great job in creating a story in which the reader can identify its purpose. I understand what Velox meant by the veteran one day being on the streets and the next with the carriage. I'll just assume it isn't a very grand carriage, but rather old and just functioning. Still, I enjoyed the story very much. Thank you!
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