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#1 Offline LewiMOC

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Posted Feb 04 2012 - 02:12 PM

A short I wrote back when I was 14 (in 2010), concerning some of my own characters. C&C greatly appreciated, as I'd like to improve upon this (I'm 16 now).

The forests were important to Yoshiza. He couldn't cope with them being cut down by the bigger robots, it didn't seem right. His Draganoid brothers of the past would be distraught to see their forests demolished. Their homes destroyed. Their world dead. But that didn't matter now. All that mattered, was for Yoshiza to get to the forest before the cutting machines arrived. He pumped as much power as he could into his little scooter, but it was going beyond maximum speed. This is why we don't avert important instructions though, as the scooter was literally shaking itself apart. A mile away from the forest perimeter, the scooter's footrests fell off. Then the headlight. Then the handles. Yoshiza timed it just right to grab onto the front engines to steer them by hand, but he had no control over speed. The scooter's engines screamed into almost triple maximum speed, and was also going higher, and higher, until...As the huge excavator made it's way to the forest, it's crew piloting it were no more than excited. Bracing their tools for action, they were almost oblivious to what was going on ahead. Almost one hundred Draganoids had linked hands, in an attempt to stop the towering vehicle. With a shout of caution over the excavator's loudspeakers, the small roadblocks ahead were losing hope. The excavator was showing no sign of stopping. Just when the tiny avengers lost all hope, a nearby Huwanga tree toppled on-top of the excavator. It was fast enough and heavy enough to snap the huge vehicle in half, whilst hurling it sideways. The Draganoids down below felt the forest was fighting back, but the real cause wasn't half as charming... Yoshiza's scooter had lost control completely, flying through the air at great speed. When he came over the forest, he lost grip of the two engines, and went hurtling backwards, down into the tree canopy. Luckily, he landed on an old wooden platform. He stood up and looked around him. He recognised this place... a small wooden hut built into the tree trunk. Inside was a chair, a bed, toy Draganoids, and an old telephonic device. This was his old room. This is were he was built. His first room.He went to look at the pictures on the wall. There he was, his grandfather. His sensai. But he was noticeably younger, wearing an old army helmet and holding a sword. This was the man who trained him to fight. This, was his true father. He knew now he had to fight. But... where was his scooter?The Draganoids who tried to stop the excavator inspected the huge tree before them. It was rotten, and slippery. A few of the younger Draganoids went to take a look at the tree, to see what was what. One of them shouted from within the leaves. Fire. Rising fast and thick. Quickly, three of his fellows stamped out the flames from the scooter.Scooter? A red scooter had careered into the tree, and quite literally shunted it over on top of the excavator. As the engines ticked over, the four Draganoids noticed the lack of footrests. And lights. And, most importantly, handlebars. Two of the four pulled the wrecked vehicle out of the wood. They then noticed the license disc. One of them recognised the red and blue entity in the picture. His friend Yoshiza.

Likey?

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Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooo


#2 Offline Hahli Husky

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Posted Feb 07 2012 - 01:28 AM

Since this story isn't related to Bionicle, I'm moving it to the Completely Off-Topic forum. :) Thanks!
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#3 Offline Yukiko

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Posted Jan 17 2013 - 08:29 PM

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Official Short Stories Critics' Club Charity Review[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Hello!  Since this excerpt is so short, I'm going to focus on the details.  Let's start, shall we?[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]

The forests were important to Yoshiza. He couldn't cope with them being cut down by the bigger robots, it didn't seem right. His Draganoid brothers of the past would be distraught to see their forests demolished. Their homes destroyed. Their world dead.

[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]The crossed out sentence sounds weak.  The following sentences effectively show how wrong the destruction of the forest is.  If you want to leave the sentence in, change it to "It wasn't right," or "It was wrong."[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Replace the periods in the third and second-to-last sentences in the paragraph with commas.[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]

He pumped as much power as he could into his little scooter, but it was going beyond maximum speed.

[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Where is he pumping this power from?  Himself?  Or just the accelerator?[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]This is why we don't avert important instructions though, as the scooter was literally shaking itself apart. [/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Don't use "we" in a story as if you're addressing the audience.  (Unless you're Lemony Snicket or Douglas Adams.)  I would suggest that you change it to something more like the following.[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Important guidelines such as maximum speed, however, were usually there for a reason.  The scooter was literally shaking itself apart as it flew through the undergrowth.[/font]
[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]As the huge excavator made it's way to the forest, it's the crew piloting it were no more than excited[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Change the comma to a period and separate this sentence into two.  Also, "it's" is the contracted for of "it is."  When it's possessive (=P), it's spelled "its."[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Do you mean "more than excited?"[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Bracing their tools for action, they were almost oblivious to what was going on ahead.[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]This is an awkward sentence.  I would change it to:  "They were almost oblivious to what was going on ahead as the braced their tools for action."[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]With a shout of caution over the excavator's loudspeakers, the small roadblocks ahead were losing hope.[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]I similar problem presents itself here.  The use of "with" somehow links the action of shouting directly to the roadblocks loss of hope, when they seem to simply be things that are happening at the same time.  I would change it to "A shout of caution echoed over the excavator's loudspeakers.  The small roadblocks ahead were losing hope."[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Overall, this is a nice concept, but I'd like to see a better picture of the setting.  You do a lot of telling me what happens, but I liked to be shown more.  What do the trees look like, or the excavators?  The POV was a bit confusing as well.  First we were in Yoshiza's head, then we were suddenly watching the entire seen.  I think it would be better if you focused on an individual Draganoid, and get a more intimate picture about how they were feeling.[/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]Of course, it's hard to critique something that was written when you were younger.  I would edit any old pieces that you have written yourself first before you put them up for others.  Keep writing as always! ^^[/font]


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