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Assassination


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3 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Grantaire

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Posted Oct 13 2011 - 09:39 PM

The streets were a dull sight; roughly paved, coated in filth; the alleys filled with piles of garbage. Skakdi, Steltians, Vortixx, and all sorts of unsavory creatures moved around, with the odd Toa or Matoran passing every now and then.The streets weren't the safest place in the world, and they weren't going to get any better.A small figure silently landed in an alleyway, leaning against a wall, his armor blending in with it, and making him practically invisible. It was early evening, and most people were in their homes, well aware of the thugs that prowled the roads at night.However, it was because of this that the Toa was here. The pay was good, the mission easy, and his victim was one of the kinds he had no qualms about slaying.Minutes passed, but that was part of the fun. Long years of training paid off, and the Toa hardly moved in the slightest. Passer-biers passed within feet of him, yet never even knew of his existence; for that was what he wished. And all the while he waited for his target to pass.The evening darkened, but the being did not move. The game had just started, and he wouldn't dream of ruining it so early.At last that phase passed, as the Toa quickly left the alley, in the trail of a black armored upper-class Steltian. No one stopped him as he walked, his red and brown armor making him looking just like anyone else.His prey was still unaware of his stalker. That was all for the good. If he had seen him, that might not have been good. The Toa continued, shifting his armor to match a wall as the crowd thinned out, pressing himself against a nearby building. His prey was still unawares, and was walking swiftly. Rain had started, and the assassin moved swifter now, matching his footsteps to the pattering of the falling waterdrops. His prey had slipped off down a side street. From previous knowledge the assassin gathered, the Steltian was only a few blocks from his home. The small Toa walked faster, his bow slipping into his hands, an arrow appearing on the string.His prey was still unawares. The streets were deserted.The Toa drew the arrow back, focusing on the target. Both his eyes were wide open, and were almost trancelike. The arrow leapt off the string with the hearty thrum of the weapon's sixty pound draw weight.His prey was aware now, and turned around in confusion, just in time to take the arrow in his chest.Zarayna smiled as his target collapsed. At a wave of his hand, the arrow seemed to vanish.No one would ever know the fate of the unlucky Steltian. His body was found the next morning; death had been caused by a hole in the heart, and the victim's wallet had been cleaned out, as well as half of his armor vanishing.~~~For those of you who don't know, this is supposed to be a BZPRPG story, focusing on one of the many assassinations by my character Zarayna. Comments and such are appreciated.Original Topic.Your hyperactive POBZPC,Zarayna
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#2 Offline Raaki

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Posted Oct 13 2011 - 09:59 PM

I really like the way you set the scene with first describing the street/city, then you cut to the rest of the plot. I kept wanting to read more once I got to the end! Nice work! :-)
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#3 Offline Kakaru

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Posted Oct 14 2011 - 02:47 PM

Here are my thoughts on the story. I'm no expert, so don't take this too seriously. The streets were a dull sight; roughly paved, coated in filth; the alleys filled with piles of garbage. Skakdi, Steltians, Vortixx, and all sorts of unsavory creatures moved around, with the odd Toa or Matoran passing every now and then. [No paragraph break here] The streets weren't the safest place in the world, and they weren't going to get any better. [Nice description. It sets the mood of this story well.] A small figure silently landed in an alleyway, leaning against a wall, his armor blending in with it, and making him practically invisible. It was early evening, and most people were in their homes, well aware of the thugs that prowled the roads at night. [No paragraph break here] However, It was because of this that the Toa was here. The pay was good, the mission easy, and his victim was one of the kinds he had no qualms about slaying. [This is good, it shows his mental process and type of character. You may want to elaborate a bit more on what "kinds" he doesn't mind slaying.] Minutes passed, but that was part of the fun. Long years of training paid off, and the Toa hardly moved in the slightest. Passer-bys walked within feet of him and never even knew of his existence, for that was what he wished. And all the while he waited for his target to pass. The evening darkened, but the being did not move. The game had just started, and he wouldn't dream of ruining it so early. [Add a bit more of his thought process here? It would help it flow into the next paragraph better.] At last that phase passed. as the Toa quickly left the alley(,) in the trail of a black armored upper-class Steltian. No one stopped him as he walked, his red and brown armor making him looking just like anyone else. His prey was still unaware of his stalker. That was all for the good. If he had seen him, that might not have been good. [This sentence just doesn't sit well with me. try this:] That was for the better. If he was spotted there would be trouble. The Toa continued, shifting his armor to match a wall as the crowd thinned out, pressing himself against a nearby building. His prey was still unawares, and was walking swiftly. Rain had started falling(,) and the assassin moved swifter now, matching his footsteps to the pattering of the falling waterdrops. His prey had slipped off down a side street. From previous knowledge the assassin had gathered, the Steltian was only a few blocks from his home. The small Toa [I like how you switch between calling him a Toa and an assassin. It keeps his objective in focus and adds variation.] walked faster, his bow slipping into his hands, an arrow appearing on the string. His prey was still unawares. [You repeated this earlier. Try something else:] His prey was oblivious to his presence. The streets were deserted. The Toa drew the arrow back, focusing on the target. Both his eyes were wide open, [This seems uncharacteristic and unintentionally comedic. He appears bug-eyed in my mind; try something to indicate concentration instead.] and were almost trancelike. The arrow leapt off the string with the hearty thrum of the weapon's sixty pound draw weight. [Nice description. This really makes me feel the power behind his shot.] His prey, startled by the sound of the shot, turned around in confusion(,) just in time to take the arrow in his chest. Zarayna smiled as his target collapsed. [Sadistic. I like it.] At a wave of his hand, the arrow seemed to vanish. No one would ever know the fate of the unlucky Steltian. His body was found the next morning; death had been caused by a hole in the heart, and the victim's wallet had been cleaned out, as well as half of his armor missing. [Excellent ending. The assassin gets paid for the job as well as loot from his victim.] Nice story overall! I think this would have been better set in Metru-Nui instead of Mata-Nui, personally. (You said this was for your character in the Bzprpg, so I assume that's where he is ? ) Take my suggestions as you feel, and keep in mind that I'm only a fellow writer. The modifications I pointed out are simply what I would have done had it been my story. I look forward to seeing more of your stories here! =D

Edited by Kakaru, Oct 14 2011 - 02:50 PM.

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#4 Offline The Otter

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Posted Oct 14 2011 - 06:19 PM

Nice short story you have here. Even before the downtime I didn't get on much, seeing as my computer was virused...then lo and behold, no BZP! Now I've come back to see an amazing short story written, and can't wait to see more. I'd give it a 9/10. A few errors, but overall very good.
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