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Fall From Grace


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#1 Offline SuperStickman117

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Posted Feb 12 2012 - 08:15 AM

Gantrain stood in the large, circular room that was the Alama-Nui's courtroom. He was, until quite recently, a Toa of Fire, and a member of the Toa Alama. That is, before he killed his entire team. He looked as if he was simply waiting on a pot to boil, a bored, uncaring look in his eye. As he stood, Turaga Cordan took his place at the podium, and banged his staff on the wood to dispel the whispers and murmurs about the place. "Order!" He began, before turning his gaze at the bound Toa in front of him. "Toa Gantrain, Controller of the Element of Fire, one of six chosen warriors destined to defend Alama-Nui, five of whom are deceased, by your hand, Gantrain. Now, do you have anything to say of yourself about this heinous crime?" Gantrain, with a look of pure hatred of all those around him, did nothing but shook his head no. "Very well then. I hereby recall your conviction of quintuple murder, tied with the breaking of the Toa Code, set forth so many dozens of millennia ago. Therefore, you shall be stripped of your control of the Element of Fire, and your Toa Tools shall be destroyed. Bring forth, the Stone of Hunger!" Cordan exclaimed. Two Matoran came in, hefting a small, pyramid shaped stone, each side inscribed with symbols representing the six elements. "Toa Gantrain, please step forward and place your hands upon the stone," Cordan ordered. Gantrain, without hesitation, walked up to the Stone and pressed his hands on it. Immediately, a blinding red light emanated from the stone, and the Toa cried in pain, as his powers were ripped from his being. This continued for several minutes, until the stone glowed no more, and the extremely weak Toa staggered away from it. "Toa Gantrain, your powers have been stripped from you. You are now required to use your remaining strength to make six new Toa stones, so that new Toa may take your place," Cordan said, as the two Matoran returned, carrying six stones. Gantrain, his hands still shaking, picked up each of them, depositing some of his Toa Power in each of them, until all six were filled with elemental power. "On the charge of murder, you are hereby sentenced to exile, may you find home anywhere but here, somewhere the inhabitants know nothing of your past, somewhere you won't kill again. Court adjourned," Cordan said. Gantrain was led out to a small boat on the coast of Alama-Nui. His bonds were cut, and the boat set adrift. There is no account anywhere of anyone seeing Toa Gantrain again.
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#2 Offline Waffles

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Posted Feb 12 2012 - 01:18 PM

Short. Sure it's a short story, but it's like incredibly teensy miniscule short.BTW, you should make new paragraphs every time somebody speaks.Also, he's brooding about what he did, for who knows what reason, and gets his verdict and then nothing happens. What will happen? Who are the characters and where is this place? What does it look like, and what will happen?What is the point of this short vignette?Nevertheless, your wordsmanship was quite good, but there a litany of corrections and additions you should make.It's also not a good idea to make a story that takes ten seconds to read.
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#3 Offline Makuta DUSt

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Posted Feb 13 2012 - 05:48 AM

Not a bad read. However, not a good read either. There is some fat I think you need to trim (not literally speaking :P)First off, it's a bit short. Yes, this is Short Stories, but most take around 2-3 minutes. This took me around 11 seconds to read.The lack of paragraphs are a bit jarring, and had me going over just to make sure I didn't miss any word. To make this story look a bit more neat, I suggest you do this.

Gantrain stood in the large, circular room that was the Alama-Nui's courtroom. He was, until quite recently, a Toa of Fire, and a member of the Toa Alama.That is, before he killed his entire team.He looked as if he was simply waiting on a pot to boil, a bored, uncaring look in his eye. As he stood, Turaga Cordan took his place at the podium, and banged his staff on the wood to dispel the whispers and murmurs about the place."Order!" He began, before turning his gaze at the bound Toa in front of him."Toa Gantrain, Controller of the Element of Fire, one of six chosen warriors destined to defend Alama-Nui, five of whom are deceased, by your hand, Gantrain. Now, do you have anything to say of yourself about this heinous crime?"

I also wonder, why did he kill his entire team? Was it a LOTR scenario, where he was corrupted to kill them? Or was he evil from the beginning? Not to mention, the trial was quite short. Have you ever heard of a trial taking only a few seconds? What about the prosecution or the defence.? However, these are just nitpicks of mine.However, there is something I do like about this story, but I just can't put my finger on it. It feels... Unique, in a good way.Overall, not bad, not good, but an enjoyable read. 2.5/5

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#4 Offline SuperStickman117

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Posted Feb 13 2012 - 03:37 PM

I wanted to leave it up to the reader why he killed them. I'm horrible at paragraphing stories, even if it is a simple skill, but I could improve it. I realize its short, but there are many shorter ones I've seen. It was more of a hypothesis of what happens when someone breaks the Toa Code more than anything. I did mean it to be longer, but I was rushed when I wrote it. Thanks for taking time to review it anyway. Also, it wasn't his actual trial; it was his sentencing hearing. He had already confessed to killing his teammates.

Edited by SuperStickman117, Feb 13 2012 - 03:46 PM.

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#5 Offline Maganar

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Posted Feb 15 2012 - 10:07 PM

It's already been noted that this is short, so I won't bother with touching on that subject.You did a good job of building a scene, using lots of detail. It was easy to picture it in my head.Endings that leave the reader to determine the prior events are a pretty well-established way to conclude short stories due to their very nature: short. So that's fine. Plus, I like having something I think about when I finish reading something. One thing you could have done to build on that, though, would have been to leave cryptic indications to the preceding events, but being pointedly unclear. As is, there is no indication as to what potential motives or events occured earlier (aside the obvious quintuple murder, but that is little to go by). If you write another - I like Waffles word choice on this - vignette (more so than a full length short) like this, leave some cryptic clues to give the reader something to think about and it'll be even better!
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