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The Legend Of The Toa~~~Review Section

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#1 Offline Raaki

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  • 03-April 06
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Posted Oct 13 2011 - 10:12 PM

Hello all! Here is the link to my story. If you could leave tips, comments, or suggestions that would be great! Thanks! :-) Click here for "The Legend of the Toa" -DeltaJets200

Edited by DeltaJets200, Oct 14 2011 - 09:51 AM.

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#2 Offline TNTOS

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  • 13-October 06
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Posted Aug 18 2012 - 09:28 AM

ECC Charity Review (for more information, please read this post):First off, I must say that this story is hard to critique because you only have the prologue posted. I don't know anything about the characters or future plot twists or even the setting. All you've posted is an introduction that I assume is supposed to be setting up the rest of the story, but again I really can't say much about the story itself because there isn't really a story to talk about right now.Generally, though, I warn against starting a story off with a mythical prologue like this. Although these can sometimes work and can also sometimes add to the story, I think it would have been better if you'd started off with a more exciting opening. Right now it's not that interesting, to be honest.By "exciting," I also mean relevent to the story. Like, dropping the readers into the middle of an exciting scene, such as a fight or a dramatic confrontation, and then going back and explaining how we got there. It would be better than what your current opening, which is essentially one big infodump.An "infodump," if you don't know, is basically a scene in a story where a bunch of information is given - or "dumped" - to the reader in one go. They're generally boring because they're usually delivered in omniscient narration or in a long, boring speech by one character to another. Sometimes, infodumping is necessary, but the vast majority of the time it is not. You could probably have delivered all of the information in this prologue in a much more interesting way, perhaps in a conversation between two characters who actually care about this. (Note: This paragraph is an infodump, but I tried to make it as interesting and relevent as possible.)However, I think I recogize your inspiration for this prologue. It reads almost exactly like the prologue for The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker. Were you intending to write a Bionicle version of Wind Waker or was this just one massive coincidence?That, I suppose, would have been interesting, even though I am not the biggest fan of those types of fanfics where the author "Bionicleizes" an original story. As long as the story didn't adhere strictly to the game's script, I think you could have made an interesting story in its own right.However, that's all just a guess. I don't know if you really were intending to write a Bionicle version of WW or not, so I can't really say much about the story itself.I noticed a few grammar problems, though:

Until one day, a being of absolute evil set out to conquer the kingdom and overrun it with shadows. With legions and massive armies of monsters at his command, it seemed as if he would succeed

Unless you are referring to multiple beings here, I'd replace "shadows" with the singular "shadow," which rolls off the tongue better and is most likely what you meant, considering you mention legions in the next sentence.Secondly, "legions and massive armies" seems repetitive. Choose one or the other (personally I prefer "legions" because that's fewer words, but just go with what you like).And finally, ellipsis (this ". . .") ought to be space, not written together. Thus, instead of "..." write ". . .". It looks so much better that way.

but just as all hope had seemed to vanish, a hero of light appeared out of nowhere to challenge the being of absolute darkness. Welding a staff of light and a mask made to banish darkness, he sealed the evil one away and brought peace back to the land!

First: See my criticism of ellipsis above. Applies at the beginning of this paragraph.Second: "Had" is out of place here, considering that this prologue is written in the past tense, not past perfect (I think I got that right). Get rid of it.The exclamation mark at the end of the paragraph seems unnecessary. You usually only use exclamation marks when a character is shouting; otherwise, it just sticks out like a sore thumb. A simple period will do instead.

The Matoran named this being Toa of Light. His tale was passed down through generations until it became a legend!

Like with the last paragraph, a period would work a lot better here than an exclamation mark. There's not any reason to put an exclamation mark here, considering the information being told isn't that exciting or, really, even that important.

Clad in armor made from the best forges, and weapons of pure might, they set out to dispel evil from the world.

You make armor in forges, not from them. That makes it sound like you meant the armor was made out of the best forges, which was probably not your original meaning.Besides that, this sentence would read just fine if you hadn't added the "and weapon of pure might" bit. The way it's currently written, it makes it sound like they are clad in weapons of pure might, which I don't think was what you intended.Here's how a better version of it might look:

Clad in armor made in the best forges and equipped with weapons of pure might, they set out to dispel evil from the world.

Anyway, besides those flaws your paragraphing is generally good and the format is easy on the eye. There aren't that many grammar or spelling problems outside of the few I noticed, really, so you're good there.Overall, it's hard to have an opinion on this story. Considering you only have the prologue -- which gives us nothing but the bare basics of the beginning of the plot -- it's hard to tell if this is going to be a good or bad story. I recommend writing more chapters and posting them so readers will have a better idea of where you intend to take this story, 'cause right now it's impossible to tell if this is a good or bad story.So my advice to you is keep on writing, which you unfortunately seemed to have stopped doing. I know it can hard to do when no one seems to be reading, but if you keep writing you'll eventually get some readers. I know you will.-TNTOS-

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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

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