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Betrayal Reversal

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#1 Offline Scuba slizer

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Posted Feb 17 2012 - 09:47 PM

Betrayal Reversal

Rocka leapt off of the assembly arm just in time to avoid the swinging mace that his foe wielded. Landing on another arm, he

glanced up at the villain that was trying to kill him. He and the Black Phantom were locked in a duel inside the assembly tower, and unfortunately, Rocka seemed to be at a serious disadvantage. The Phantom’s armada of arachnixes was all around him, and no matter how many he shot down, they quickly kept reappearing. Suddenly, one of the arachnixes jumped off the wall and attached itself to his face. When he peeled it off, he was met with a powerful blow to the midriff, and was hurled through the wall into another room. Rocka pulled himself up using a table, holding his hand against his midsection. From what he could tell, he appeared to be in some sort of research room. The Black Phantom strode confidently into the chamber. “Pitiful, you can barely stand,” he said. He reached for an odd device on a table. “This looks cool; I wonder how it will destroy you?” the Phantom remarked as he took aim at Rocka. When he fired, a mysterious rift appeared in front of Rocka. The last thing Rocka remembered as he was sucked into the rift was a falling sensation.

Hero operating system unscheduled reboot…Beginning diagnostic…

All critical systems within safe operational parameters…Moderate damage to lower torso…beginning repair sequence…Left hand not responding…

Rocka looked down and saw that his crossbow was missing. However, his arm did not seem damaged; rather, his bow seemed

to have been removed properly. He then looked at his surroundings. He was lying on a repair bed in a small dimly lit room. Three pre-upgrade heroes were standing around him; one red, one blue, and one silver. They seemed oddly familiar, but Rocka couldn’t put his finger on it. “Go tell Ness that he has woken up,” said the red one to the blue one; who then left.

The silver one hoisted a projectile launcher and said in a gruff voice, “I don’t know what kind of imposter you are, but try

anything and you’ll regret it.” After a couple of minutes, the blue hero returned, with him was a pre-upgrade black hero.

“Easy Bulk,” said the new hero.

“Wait, Bulk?” asked Rocka.

“Yes,” said the black hero, “this is my lieutenant, Dunkan Bulk. This is William Furno, and Mark Surge. My name is Von Ness.

Now who might you be?” That last name sounded vaguely familiar to Rocka, but he couldn’t recall anything about the name’s owner.

“My name is Rocka, *static* Rocka, I’m a rookie assigned to the Alpha Team.”

“Liar! I’ve never seen you before!” yelled Bulk, again pointing his launcher at Rocka.”

“Easy Bulk!” snapped Von Ness. Let’s hear him out before we decide if he’s telling the truth.” “Sorry, you’ll have to excuse

him. He just hasn’t been the same since he lost his friend. So, please continue.”

Rocka resumed his tale. “During a battle against a villain, I was sucked through some sort of rift, and I awoke here. I knew the

three of you quite well,” pointing to everyone but Ness, “but seeing as how you don’t remember me, and you haven’t been upgraded, err... rebuilt like me, that rift must have taken me to the past.”

“Wait a minute, if he’s from the future; that must mean that the factory will be rebuilt!” exclaimed Furno.

“Rebuilt? What are you talking about? The factory was never destroyed,” said Rocka.

“Actually, it was,” said Ness. “It began a couple of galactic standard years ago. A rogue ex hero named P. Stormula attacked

the factory. We managed to repel the attack, but not before our major research labs were trashed. Without them, we were unable to develop a counterattack when a group of thugs destroyed all of our fuel refineries, crippling our operations. But the final blow came when Stormula and someone called The Black Phantom breached our prisons. All of the villains were freed, and in the resulting chaos, the factory was razed to the ground. The galaxy descended into anarchy, and the heroes were forced into hiding to avoid extinction. And that’s when a raiding party found you lying in the ruins.”

“I’m sorry, but that is definitely not my past,” said Rocka, “I guess… that rift must have taken me to a different timeline.”

Soon after, Rocka, Ness, and this universe’s Breez and Stringer left their underground hideaway, and made their way to the large scrap heap that was formerly the Hero Factory. Rocka now had his crossbow back, (it had been removed by the heroes as a security precaution.) Stringer was pointing a scanner towards the space once occupied by the factory. “I got some good news and some bad news,” said Stringer. “Good news; there is definitely some residual energy from the rift that you came through, and I bet we could reopen it with a quantum energy reactor.”

“So what’s the bad news?” asked Rocka.

“We don’t have a quantum energy reactor.”

“They’re a relatively new technology, and pretty rare. We only had a couple, and they were taken during the breakout,” said

Ness. “Although I think you may be in luck; Stormula likes to gather the latest and most advanced weapons and technologies. And fortunately, his lair is on this planet; probably to gloat over his conquest.”

After a day of preparations, the six members of the alpha team and Rocka were travelling through an underground tunnel

towards Stormula’s fortress. They were all armed with their preferred weapons, Von Ness carried a pair of staffs that could hold a launched projectile in a gravity field, and then redirect it elsewhere.

“Sorry for getting you guys in this mess,” said Rocka.

“It wouldn’t be right to turn down someone in need,” said Ness. “Besides, we’ve been planning this raid for weeks, and with you on our side, this will be our best shot.”

Eventually they came to a mark on the ceiling. Ness carefully removed a panel and peered up into the room above. “Okay, it’s

clear.” Everyone climbed out of the hole into a hallway. “If our mapping drones were accurate, the vault should be this way, just past what appears to be the main chamber. At the end of the hall was a large door. Ness opened it slowly and peered through. After giving the all clear, the team crossed he room, only to hear a sinister voice behind them.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the puny “heroes.”” The heroes turned around to see a colossal white robot with an ice cannon on his

arm. “You betrayed me that day, Von Ness. You left me to die while you and Thresher escaped with your lives. And now you will meet your end.”

Von Ness hung his head in shame, while Rocka asked “Wait, P. Stormula…Preston Stormer!?”

“Who told you that name!?” asked Furno.

“Stormer was my leader and mentor,” said Rocka.

“Oh I knew this was a trap!” yelled Bulk, as he again pointed his launcher at Rocka.

“But that was another universe, and a vastly different Stormer,” amended Rocka, “let’s go!”

The battle was long and arduous. Stormula’s minions were powerful and hard to beat. But eventually the battle tipped in favor of the heroes when Von Ness caught an ice blast with his staffs. Furno then jumped onto Stormula’s back; distracting him enough for Ness to hurl the ice right back at Stormula’s head. The remaining villains fell shortly after that.

After the battle, Rocka, Stringer and Surge made their way to the vault. When they broke in, they found a huge stash of

strange technology. “Bingo!” said Stringer, “a quantum energy reactor!”

Later the team, minus Stringer and Furno, who stayed behind guarding the prisoners, were gathered at the factory ruins. “Well

I guess this is goodbye,” said Ness. “Thank you Rocka.”

“Sorry I doubted you,” said Bulk.

“Farewell Bulk, Ness, Surge Breez,” said Rocka. He reached out to shake Ness’s hand, but he hesitated when he remembered

where he had heard the name Von Ness before.

“What’s the matter?” asked Ness.

“In the universe I’m from, Von Ness betrayed the Hero Factory, becoming a powerful villain.”

“So Ness is evil and Stormula is good?” asked Breez.

"That’s just weird,” said Surge.

“But I know that’s not you,” said Rocka, holding out his hand, which Ness accepted, “goodbye everyone.” Breez (wearing a

jetpack,) lifted Rocka up to the rift, while Surge used Stringer’s device to reopen it. Breez tossed Rocka through, right back into the research lab, just after he had left. He blasted the rift device out of the Black Phantom’s hands. “in doing that, you just saved the Hero Factory,” enjoying the Phantom’s look of confusion.

Edited by Scuba slizer, Feb 18 2012 - 09:34 PM.

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My HF Short Story: Betrayal Reversal: http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=3481


#2 Offline fishers64

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Posted Feb 18 2012 - 09:07 PM

No Lego story will be safe from the curse of alternate dimensions! Yes! :)Sadly, however, this story suffers from not-so-great paragraph formatting. To start with, you need to enter plain text editing mode (see light switch at the top left corner, and remove these pieces of code (The bracketed stuff), which I suspect is causing some of your problems...
[center] some story text [/center]
Then, in between paragraphs, press enter to form lines between them and space it out a bit. This will make it look better and probably will make it easier to read. Just a suggestion.Now, on to the story. As I mentioned above, I like the principle behind your story; it's good. But there are some questions to be answered. For one thing, why does "Stormula" betray Von Ness (in the alternate dimension)? It would be really nice if we had a reason for that. Also, you go into detail on the battle between Phantom and Rocka, but why not the battle between Stormula and the Heroes in the alternate dimension? I think if you could do dialogue between Stormula and Von Ness during the battle, it would be awesome and bring even more detail to your "betrayal reversal". That could possibly segue into the reason why Stormula betrayed Von Ness. The whole battle thing is a little short sighted in the alternate dimension - give us some action between the alternate characters and Stormula!Sentence Stuff:

“Rebuilt? What are you talking about? The factory was never destroyed,” Said Rocka.

Said should be said.

Breez tossed Rocka through, right back into the research lab, just after he had left. After he blasted the rift device out of the Black Phantom’s hands, he said, “in doing that, you just saved the Hero Factory,” enjoying the Phantom’s look of confusion.

Run-on sentences. It would be improved if you said: "Breez tossed Rocka though the rift back into the research lab. Little time had past since he had left. Rocka blasted the rift device out of Black Phantom's hand. 'In doing that, you just saved the Hero Factory.' said Rocka. Black Phantom looked around, confused, and Rocka enjoyed it." Or something like that...my paraphrases don't always work.Anyway, I enjoyed the story, have to admire you and your idea, (it's amazing!) and I think you can do a lot more with it. :) If you like.

Edited by fishers64, Feb 18 2012 - 09:10 PM.

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#3 Offline Scuba slizer

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Posted Feb 18 2012 - 09:43 PM

Thank you for the advice. I ran into the paragraphing issue when I copied the text over. As for why Stormer betrayed Ness, it was because he was angry at Ness for leaving him behind during the same incident that caused Ness to go rogue in the "main" universe.
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My HF Short Story: Betrayal Reversal: http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=3481





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