Jump to content

  • Log in with Facebook Log in with Twitter Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

Welcome to BZPower!

Hi there, while we hope you enjoy browsing through the site, there's a lot more you can do if you register. The process is easy and you can use your Google, Facebook, or Twitter account to make it even faster. Some perks of joining include:
  • Create your own topics, participate in existing discussions, and vote in polls
  • Show off your creations, stories, art, music, and movies and play member and staff-run games
  • Enter contests to win free LEGO sets and other prizes, and vote to decide the winners
  • Participate in raffles, including exclusive raffles for new members, and win free LEGO sets
  • Send private messages to other members
  • Organize with other members to attend or send your MOCs to LEGO fan events all over the world
  • Much, much more!
Enjoy your visit!

Photo

The Bionicle Entrepreneur

HUGE SALE TODAY

  • Please log in to reply
14 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Toarobot18

Toarobot18
  • Members
  • Conqueror of the Swarm!

  • 726 posts
  •  

Posted Feb 22 2012 - 01:02 AM

Toy Wars Fan: What?! What's this? Toarobot's writing another comedy and he hasn't even posted my guest star chapter in T.W.? Toy Wars Fan2: Yeah! I've been waiting for months! Bionicle: Mission Space Fan: What about B.M.S.? You haven't posted a chapter in like, years! Toy Wars Fan: And you said you'd devote all your spare time to our comedies! You lied to us!Toy Wars Fan2: Yeah, did you hear that my precious? He lies to us!Bionicle: Mission Space Fan: I'm not going to post in any of your comedies ever again until you finish the chapter!Toarobot18: Well, come on, I mean, I've been busy, and when I finally got time I felt like something new!Toy Wars Fan2: No excuses!Toarobot18: Come on, give me a break!Toy Wars Fan: We have given you a break! Two months worth!Toarobot18: Well, if you can't deal with this, then go write your own comedies!Toy Wars Fan: Fine then, maybe I will. And I'm never reading any of your comedies again!Toarobot18: Well then I guess you'll miss the new chapters of B.M.S. and Toy Wars...Bionicle: Mission Space Fan: There's new chapters!?*All the fans run off to read them.*Toarobot18: No, there isn't. But now that they're gone...

THE ENTREPRENEUR BIONICLE

Toarobot18: Wait. Reverse that.

THE BIONICLE ENTREPRENEUR

Toarobot18: And this time... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...rewritten in Technicolor!

Hakann: *Looking around.* Boy, is it a gloomy day... No explosions, meteorites, hurricanes, invasions, or death... terrible.Street Peddler: I know just your problem. You need a Wiibox3. With the latest in gaming technology, you can have all matter of violence any day!Hakann: REALLY? CAN I HAVE ONE?Street Peddler: Sure, that'll only be 3,333,333,333.33 widgets.Hakann: WHAT?Street Peddler: *Thinking.* Wow, he's stupid. There's no such thing as a Wiibox3. But, I'd like to see how dumb he is...*Speaking.* Yeah, sorry about the high price, it's just the way the gaming system crumbles... Hey, if you can make the money by next January, I'll discount the price to 2,222,222,222.22 widgets. Deal?Hakann: I don't know... do you really think I could make that much?Street Peddler: Oh, yeah, sure. We entrepreneurial people make an easy eight billion in six months! Let alone that petty amount.Hakann: Really? A street peddler?Street Peddler: Oh yeah. Just think, if you ran something bigger, like a restaurant or something, you could get the money to buy hundreds of Wiibox3s in days! And if you melt all those Wiibox3s together in a furnace, the result would be the best gaming system in the world!Hakann: WOW!Street Peddler: Here. Here's 1000 widgets to get you started. Make sure to pay it back within a few milliseconds or I'll start charging interest.Hakann: Don't worry, your money's safe with me! I'll have it payed back before you can even think about interest!Street Peddler: Right, because everybody knows a millisecond is 10 billion seconds, and a few milliseconds gives you over 900 years to pay back! Now run along, and be a good boy!Hakann: Thanks man!Street Peddler: Oh, wait, before you go, could you sign here, here, here, here, here, here, and here?Hakann: What for?Street Peddler: Oh, just to make sure you'll pay me back, and with interest if you owe it. But don't worry, it's really an unnecessary precaution, as you have over 900 years.Hakann: Oh. *He signs the papers.*Well, thanks! When I'm making my quadrillions, I'll remember you!Street Peddler: I'm sure you will my friend, I'm sure you'll remember me for a long time. That's for sure...Hakann: Thanks again! *He walks away down the street.*Hmm, I need a business idea. *He looks around.*Aha!*He reads a nearby sign.*"SUGAR BULA! THE GREAT NEW CEREAL THAT TASTES GOOD, AND IS GOOD FOR YOU! NOW 100% ARTIFICIAL PROTODERMIS FREE! WITH ONE TASTE, THAT SOUR PASTE WILL BE REPLACED! WITH THE SUGARY GOODNESS OF SUGAR BULA!"Wow, that's perfect! I can sell Sugar Bula too, but mine will be better! Because mine will be 100% sugar free!*Ten days later, in a small hut.*Kopaka: So I'm sitting here in your shabby old shack, listening to you explain how you're going to market "sugarless" Sugar Bula cereal, and you're telling me you're going to make quadrillions and I should invest?Hakann: Exactly! Look, it's so obvious. All the worried mommy and daddy toa go down the aisle and see the "Sugar Bula," and they think "Boy, is that terrible for my little matoran. Poor little Galella's teeth would rot out!" And then they see my new product, "Sugar Bula," and they think, "Why there's more of that awful stuff, just in prettier packaging!" But then they look closer, and see the fancy blue label on the box, "Now with no sugar!," and they say, "Wow, that's ingenious!" and buy ten boxes! Isn't it coming to you now?Kopaka: Not really. "Sugar Bula, now with no sugar!" Doesn't that sound a bit strange to you?Hakann: But that's the beauty of it! The mom-toa can just peel off the blue label, and then the matoran will never know the difference!Kopaka: Really? I can tell the difference between sugared and non-sugared cereal, and I'm sure anybody who isn't idiotic like you can too.Hakann: But that's the other beauty of it! There won't be a difference! It'll have sugar, but the moms will never know and the matoran will like it!Kopaka: But what if the moms try it?Hakann: Uh... ...Never mind that! Think how low the production prices would be! Just buy Sugar Bula, paint the box shiny, and stick on the blue label! Then charge a higher price because we say it's "organic." Kopaka: But that's piracy!Hakann: Oh come on, everybody knows Sugar Bula copied the now-defunct Honey Bula company! How could they sue us? We can make millions! Trillions! Quadrillions! Quintillions! Sextillions! Septillions! Octillions! Nonillions! Dec--Kopaka: Good luck with that. When you make a nonillion, call me and my investors up, I'm sure we could invest a bit. Now I'll be going-Hakann: But wait! Think of the money you could make! And you have nothing to loose, I'll back you with my college savings account of one million if we fail!Kopaka: Fine. But if I lose my reputation because of you, you're going to the top of my "next to sue" list.Hakann: Hurray! What about your investing partners?Kopaka: They'd invest too, if you had the money to back them up in your account.Hakann: What account?Kopaka: Your college savings account.Hakann: I have a- oh yeah, right. Yes, I actually have six million in my account, not one. I was being... um... modest.Kopaka: Okay. Me and five of my friends will each invest one million in to your business.Hakann: YES! I'M RICH! I'M A MILLIONAIRE! YAY!Kopaka: Okay... see you next week, I guess.Yes, it seems like all is going well for Hakann's future business. But many problems lay ahead. Find out more in the next chapter of... The Bionicle Entrepreneur!


Edited by Toarobot18, Apr 02 2012 - 11:41 AM.

  • 0
Posted Image
Credit to Zeddy! ------------------- Click the banner above!
And please also enjoy my other fine comedies:
The Bionicle Entrepreneur - Nuva Join the Navy - Toy Wars - A Comedy of Comics

#2 Offline Toarobot18

Toarobot18
  • Members
  • Conqueror of the Swarm!

  • 726 posts
  •  

Posted Feb 22 2012 - 01:33 PM

*At the checkout at Matamart.*Clerk: How many boxes of this stuff are you going to buy? You're holding the whole line up!Hakann: *Rolling up a sixth cart to the register.* Hey, it's only eight carts full! I was going to purchase fifty carts full, but I decided I could do the rest later.Clerk: What in the world do you need eight carts of sugar cereal for?Hakann: None of your business!Clerk: It is my business that this is an extremely busy day, and you're hogging a register!Hakann: When I make my nonillians, you'll get some too, okay? Now will you stop complaining?Clerk: What's a nonillian?Hakann: Look it up. 1030.Clerk: It's not one of my cash register buttons. If it's not there, you're not gunna make it. I'm calling the manager.Hakann: Look, I might not give you a nonnillian, but I'll at least give you one million or more. You don't understand how important this is! This is the future of my business!Clerk: You have a business holding up check-out lines?Hakann: No, silly, a cereal business, of course!Clerk: Then why are you buying competitor's cereal?Hakann: Um... to do product testing on it, of course!Clerk: Whatever. But if I get fired because of you, you'll be getting a phone call... or two.*A day later, inside Hakann's hut.*Kopaka: Okay, why are you painting a bunch of cereal boxes silver?Hakann: Remember, to sell?Kopaka: Yeah... but... this is not a commercialized property, it's residential. You can't work on your business here. It doesn't comply with the zoning.Hakann: Oh yeah? Who said so?*Ding-dong.*Kopaka: Someone's at the door.Hakann: I noticed. *He opens the door.*Vahki: IN-SPEC-TION!Hakann: Um... why?Vahki: IN-SPEC-TION!Hakann: You already said that.Vahki: PLEASE AL-LOW EN-TRANCE!Hakann: Not until you say why.Vahki: IN-SPEC-TION!Hakann: Why?Vahki: MOVE A-SIDE OR BE A-NNIH-I-LA-TED!Hakann: Why didn't you say that in the first place? *He moves aside.*Vahki: *Entering hut.* PLEASE STATE PUR-POSE OF PAINT AND BREAK-FEST FOOD!Hakann: For my business.Kopaka: *Smacks forehead.*Vahki: THIS PROP-ER-TY IS NOT COM-MER-CIAL-LIZED!Hakann: So?Vahki: PLEASE SHOW ME YOUR BUS-I-NESS LI-CENSE!Hakann: What license?Kopaka: *Smacks forehead.* Why did I invest?Vahki: YOUR BUS-I-NESS LICENSE?Hakann: Whatever it is, I don't have it.Vahki: NO BUS-I-NESS LICENSE? PRO-CUR-ING WAR-RENT FOR AR-REST!Kopaka: Wait! He does have a license!Hakann: What? I-Kopaka: Shhh! He gave it to me to hold onto. Here it is. *He pulls out a business license from his armor.*Vahki: *He takes the license.* *Reading card.* "KO-PAK-A IN-VES-TING IN-DUS-TRIES AND PRO-DUCTS"? IS THIS YOUR BUS-I-NESS?Hakann: No it-Kopaka: Don't be silly, Hakann, remember how you named your new business after me because of my help, and decided to call it "Kopaka Investing Industries & Products Co."?Hakann: Isn't that your busine-Kopaka: Of course it's none of my business, but the Vahki wanted to know.Vahki: IS THAT YOUR BUS-I-NESS OR NOT?Hakann: Um.. whatever.Vahki: YES OR NO?Hakann: Sure.Vahki: YES OR NO?Hakann: I guess.Vahki: YES OR NO?Kopaka: Does one plus one equal two?Hakann: Yes. Duh!Vahki: AN-SWER AC-CEPT-TED! YOUR BUS-I-NESS LI-CENSE WILL NOW BE RE-VOKED DUE TO FAIL-URE TO COM-PLY WITH ZON-NING REGU-LA-TIONS! I WILL NOW LEAVE!Kopaka: NOOOOOOOOOOO!Hakann: Few, that was a close one. He was going to arrest me. Hey, thanks Kopaka, I appreciate the sacrifice.Kopaka: All my years of work building my family business! Ruined!Vahki: GOOD-BYE, AND HAVE A NICE DAY! *He hands the now-stamped-with-"INVALID" license to Hakann.* *He leaves the hut.*Kopaka: Give me back my license, now!*Hakann hands Kopaka the license.*Kopaka: RUINED! RUINED! RUINED!Hakann: Don't worry, my business will be better anyway.Kopaka: Better? You're reselling Sugar Madu, from a non-commercialized property, without a license!Hakann: So?...Yes, all has gone wrong for the investor Kopaka, but soon Hakann will be tested too... when he tries to get a store to carry his product. Find out more in the next chapter of... The Bionicle Entrepreneur!

Edited by Toarobot18, Jul 04 2012 - 07:29 PM.

  • 1
Posted Image
Credit to Zeddy! ------------------- Click the banner above!
And please also enjoy my other fine comedies:
The Bionicle Entrepreneur - Nuva Join the Navy - Toy Wars - A Comedy of Comics

#3 Offline Toarobot18

Toarobot18
  • Members
  • Conqueror of the Swarm!

  • 726 posts
  •  

Posted Feb 23 2012 - 05:00 PM

*In the office of the owner of Matamart (Pohatu).*Pohatu: Yes, please, sit down, sit down.Hakann: *Sitting.*Pohatu: So what is this important offer you wanted to make?Hakann: Alright, so I'm Hakann--Pohatu: Aren't you the guy who held up a register a few days ago?Hakann: Well, I really needed the cereal... Consumer testing, you see!Pohatu: Mm hm. Look kid, I don't have much time. I have a meeting with the C.E.O. of my armor supplier, and we're working out an important deal, so-Hakann: This is far more important.Pohatu: Sure. Now what is it?Hakann: Taaaaahdah!*Kopaka walks in rolling a large cart covered in a cloth.*Hakann: And now... for the moment you've all been wai--Pohatu: Get to the point.*Kopaka pulls the cloth off of the cart, revealing what looks like a box of Sugar Bula, except it's silver instead of yellow, and it has a blue label that says "Now with no sugar!" and also "100% organic."*Pohatu: Nice. That's great. Out of my office.Hakann: But wait, don't you see the potential?Pohatu: Yeah, I see a nice rip-off of Sugar Bula that claims to have "no sugar."Hakann: But this is the pinnacle of marketing! Look, the moms buy the sugarless Sugar Bula, right?Pohatu: Whatever.Hakann: Then they peel off the label that says "sugarless" and "organic."Pohatu: Why?Hakann: And then they give it to their happy matoran, who eat it up thinking it's still teeming with sugar!Pohatu: That's not bad actually, but the whole concept seems to still be flawed somehow. Look, how 'bout this. You put ten boxes of the stuff in the cereal isle. Then we see how fast it sells. Then I decide. In the meantime, out of my office!!*A few hours later, in Kopaka's house.*Kopaka: As you know, I've been forced to close my business, due to um... Hakann.Investors: BOOOO! BOOO! WE WANT OUR MONEY BACK! BOOO!Kopaka: So, I took your money and poured it into Hakann's business.Investors: BOOOOO! BOOOO! WE WANT TO SUE!Kopaka: And if you don't want your money to go down the drain, I'll have to ask a favor of you.Investors: BOOOOOOO! BOOOOO! GIVE US OUR MONEY! GIVE US OUR MONEY!Kopaka: Look, you're not getting it.Investors: SUE HIM! SUE HIM! SUE HIM! SUE HIM! SUE HIM!Kopaka: Yet. But if you all go into the store, and buy the silver "sugarless" Sugar Bula, Hakann's company might succeed, and you'd all make millions.Investor: Million?Investor 2: We make money?Investor 2: Everybody go to Matamart!
  • 0
Posted Image
Credit to Zeddy! ------------------- Click the banner above!
And please also enjoy my other fine comedies:
The Bionicle Entrepreneur - Nuva Join the Navy - Toy Wars - A Comedy of Comics

#4 Offline Toarobot18

Toarobot18
  • Members
  • Conqueror of the Swarm!

  • 726 posts
  •  

Posted Feb 27 2012 - 02:06 PM

*In Hakann's house.*BRRRRRRING! BRRRRRING! BRRRRING!Hakann: *Picking up phone.* Hello? Who is it?Pohatu: This is Pohatu, owner of Matamart. Is this Hakann, developer of Sugarless Sugar Bula?Hakann: Yeah man, this is the guy.Pohatu: Your product was hugely successful. As soon as people saw it, a bunch of people ran in to buy it! And rich too, all in business suits!Hakann: I told you it would sell!Pohatu: How much do you want for one thousand units?Hakann: Umm, I only have four hundred in stock right now, but I'll sell them to you at the base rate of two widgets a box.Pohatu: Really? You're the man. Cheapest wholesale provider I've got! Now if I just charge eight...Hakann: Yep! You can always count on me to charge low prices! I'll bring them over right away!*Hakann hangs up.**Kopaka walks in.*Hakann: I just made eight hundred widgets! And a bunch of rich guys in suits like my products!Kopaka: Really? What a surprise...Hakann: Yeah, really! And can you believe it, I just made eight hundred widgets!Kopaka: What was your profit?Hakann: Eight hundred widgets!Kopaka: So how many did you sell, and for what price?Hakann: I sold four hundred boxes and two widgets each.Kopaka: You idio-- look. How much did you pay for each of those Sugar Bula boxes?Hakann: Eight widgets.Kopaka: And how much for the paint needed to cover one box?Hakann: Um... why is this important? Anyway, one widget.Kopaka: And for each label?Hakann: Oh, don't pester me! We need to celebrate! Eight hundred widgets in sales-Kopaka: And more than two thousand and eight hundred widgets in losses. You can't sell your product for less than it costs you!Hakann: But I made eight hundred! How could I have lost two-BRRRRRRING! BRRRRRRING! BRRRRRRING!*Hakann picks up the phone.*Gali: Is this Hakann, developer of Sugarless Sugar Bula?Hakann: That's me!Gali: Hello, this is Gali Nuva, of Sugar Bula International. We'd like to have a word with you.Hakann: Yes?Gali: Under our understanding, you have a business that sells cereal, correct?Hakann: Well?Gali: It appears that your products violate our patents and registered trademarks.Hakann: YOU THINK I CARE?Gali: We just wished to notify you that you're going to court with us on next Saturday; bye.Click.Hakann: They're going to sue me.Kopaka: Don't say I didn't warn you. First you ruin my business, then you'll ruin yours. Good day.*Kopaka walks out.**Vahki walks in.*Vahki: YOU ARE RUN-NING THIS BUS-I-NESS WITH-OUT A LI-CENSE! I HAVE A WAR-RANT FOR YOUR AR-REST!Hakann: Oh? OK, fine, I just need to go get my luggage.Vahki: LUG-GAGE IS NOT NE-CE-SSARY! ALL IT-TEMS NEED-ED WILL BE PRO-VI-DED AT THE NORTH MET-RU-NUI COM-PLEX FOR TAX E-VA-SION!Hakann: Yeah, yeah. *He picks up his lava launcher.*Vahki: WHAT WAS THAT YOU PICKED UP?Hakann: *Slipping his launcher behind his back.* Um, some bread I just ate. See, it's gone!Vahki: LAME.BZZZZZZACHHHHH!Hakann: Ahhhh!BZZZZZZZACH!*In a cell.*Jail Guard: Time to rise and shine, sleepy eyes.Hakann: What?Jail Guard: So, what did you do?Hakann: Nothing. I didn't buy a little rectangular piece of plastic so they threw me in jail.Jail Guard: I see. That happened to me once, but they just wouldn't let me ride a ussal anymore. Anything else?Hakann: Oh, you see, I don't think I was in the right zone, you know?Jail Guard: No, I don't know. Zone? You sound like some weird hippie.Hakann: You know, I wanted to be in the business zone. But I was in the housy zone, and I wasn't in the business zone, so they wanted to withdraw my whatcha-muh-call-it. But then they killed Kopaka's whatcha instead, but then they found I was still doing my business, and then they went, like, "buzack, and buzack, and buzack!" And then I woke up. And then I was here. And you see, now how am I going to get my Wiibox3?Jail Guard: Got it. You sure this wasn't a mix up? The asylum's just across the street.Hakann: When I make my nonnillions, you'll be begging in that street!Jail Guard: Yep, it was definitely a mix up. Wait a second, someone wants to see you.*The jail guard escorts Kopaka in.*Kopaka: Nice. Just nice. My investors will kill me. Look Mr. Jail Guard, how much is the bail?Jail Guard: Um... *He checks his wallet.* Wait a second. *He opens a cellphone.* Yeah honey, I know. Look, I'm with this prisoner right now... You know the date tonight? How much would your dream dinner, plus your dream date cost? Thanks hun, love you. Kisses! Bye. *He closes the cellphone.* That'll be five thousand widgets please.Kopaka: Whatever. When does he need to show up in court?Jail Guard: Next Sunday. Money please?Kopaka: *Handing the jail guard widgets.* Here you go. Hakann, follow me.*The two walk out of the prison and down the street.*All is well for now, but now Hakann will have to face two appearances in court! More is in store for... The Bionicle Entrepreneur!

Edited by Toarobot18, Jul 04 2012 - 07:34 PM.

  • 0
Posted Image
Credit to Zeddy! ------------------- Click the banner above!
And please also enjoy my other fine comedies:
The Bionicle Entrepreneur - Nuva Join the Navy - Toy Wars - A Comedy of Comics

#5 Offline Toa of Gallifrey

Toa of Gallifrey
  • Members
  • Seeker

  • 231 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 12 2012 - 03:49 PM

This is a very funny comedy! I like how this is a Piraka comedy starring one Piraka allied with a different type of character, instead of starring 6 Piraka fighting/being a team, makes it original. I'll be looking forward for more of The Bionicle Entrepreneur. :)
  • 0

"Now what will come out of this? A new mask of power? Some tooth-claw creature? A Matoran marching band?" - Lewa, The Final Battle

"Nothing is more important than my egomania!" - Clara Oswald, Deep Breath

"I AM A FLAMING MOLTRES!" - James, The Fortune Hunters

 

3DS FC: 2681-0566-5359


#6 Offline fishers64

fishers64
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
  • Mask of Light Unveiled

  • 5,218 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Mar 23 2012 - 09:28 PM

Alright, so this is the review you ordered from the Comedies Critics Club :):

Toy Wars Fan: What?! What's this? Toarobot's writing another comedy and he hasn't even posted my guest star chapter in T.W.?Toy Wars Fan2: Yeah! I've been waiting for months!Bionicle: Mission Space Fan: What about B.M.S.? You haven't posted a chapter in like, years!

One thing I would strongly advise against is mentioning past failures on the front of your comedy. It is discouraging to those of us who are going to invest time and effort reading your new comedy. It also gives off a bad impression that this one is going to be just as incomplete as the last ones. And most of us want to get straight to whatever amazing production you're putting on. * * *Okay, so I like the character of Hakann; he is perfect for this comedy on shady business dealings because he is a Piraka. Kopaka tends to be the voice of reason, but he is also taken it by Hakann's false promises. The latter quality doesn't really fit with Kopaka as much, but it is willing to be overlooked in terms of the absurdity involved. You've done a masterful job blending the Vahki's and other beings' responses to Hakann's absurd business...all Toa Mata, and each of them fits their roles you've given them - Kopaka as the shrewd investor, Pohatu as the friendly owner of a grocery store, Gali as the owner of the legit company that's being ripped off, etc.Spelling and Grammar and Punctuation:Mostly good. Any errors are not noticable unless you specifically look for them.The way you've punctuated characters' actions can get awkward. For example:

*He reads a nearby sign.*

I would recommend either ditching the * signs or the period and "He". This would read: "*reads a nearby sign*" or "He reads a nearby sign.". Having both is overkill. That isn't so much a problem here, but in a longer sequence like this it gets dicey:

Jail Guard: Um... *He checks his wallet.* Wait a second. *He opens a cellphone.* Yeah honey, I know. Look, I'm with this prisoner right now... You know the date tonight? How much would your dream dinner, plus your dream date cost?Thanks hun, love you. Kisses! Bye. *He closes the cellphone.* That'll be five thousand widgets please.

It could be rewritten like this:

Jail Guard: Um... *checks his wallet* Wait a second. *opens a cellphone* Yeah honey, I know. Look, I'm with this prisoner right now... You know the date tonight? How much would your dream dinner, plus your dream date cost?Thanks hun, love you. Kisses! Bye. *closes the cellphone* That'll be five thousand widgets please.

This would integrate the actions a bit better into the flow of the script and make it less awkward.* * *

*Vahki walks in.*

It should be "Vahki walk in." I'm assuming there are more than one Vahki here.* * *

Pohatu: Yeah, I see a nice rip-off of Sugar Bula that claims to have "no sugar."

I note that you consistantly place periods inside quotes at the end of a sentence when only two words are quoted.If the entire sentence is quoted, the period should be inside the quotation marks, but since less than the entire sentence is quoted, the period should be outside the quotes. The quote is an element of the sentence, the sentence is not an element of the quote here. It should read:

Pohatu: Yeah, I see a nice rip-off of Sugar Bula that claims to have "no sugar".

* * *Overall, this is a very good comedy. I think it could use some minor-league punctuation touch-ups, but overall you have told a legitamately hilarious Bionicle tale. There is that small flaw in the characterization of Kopaka (gullible), but that's more of a personal quibble. That's why I'm giving it an 8.5/10, with most points taken off for punctuation errors. It would definately be worth your time to fix those, and take off the "failure dialogue" on the front...it will get a few more people to read your story, which is really good and funny. :)

  • 0

#7 Offline Toarobot18

Toarobot18
  • Members
  • Conqueror of the Swarm!

  • 726 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 24 2012 - 09:23 PM

Thanks for your review!You're probably write about the failures thing. At the time this was originally written (this is a re-post of a much older comedy) I was way behind on several other comedies despite what I had said about catching up. So that was my little nod to my poor neglected fans.With the stars and periods, I think it is a personal preference thing. I don't believe there is any "proper" way to do it, since in normal prose actions aren't denoted with asterisks. And to me, having the sentences without capitalization and periods looks worse than the other way around. I can see why some people like it the other way though.Regarding the Vahki: there is only one Vahki. Normally I would have put a "the" there to make it clear, but I left it out for symmetry with the previous sentence about Kopaka. I notice now that it's confusing.Regarding the periods before quotation marks: this is simply the difference between American and British style punctuation. The style adopted by most U.S. style guides (that I prefer) calls for placing the period prior to the quotation marks in both cases.Yeah, I vary Kopaka a bit. He's one of my favorite characters in the actual storyline (hence my avatar), but I tend to change him from comedy to comedy as needed.Once again, thanks for stopping by! It looks as if you spent awhile on your review. It's probably one of the most in-depth I've received, and I appreciate it. Hopefully I'll get another chapter up soon.

Edited by Toarobot18, Mar 24 2012 - 09:25 PM.

  • 0
Posted Image
Credit to Zeddy! ------------------- Click the banner above!
And please also enjoy my other fine comedies:
The Bionicle Entrepreneur - Nuva Join the Navy - Toy Wars - A Comedy of Comics

#8 Offline Voltex

Voltex
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
  • The Storyteller

  • 4,468 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Mar 28 2012 - 03:16 PM

After reading the first chapter, I can say that I enjoy the comedy so far and look forward to seeing where you take it in the future- I'd love to see Hakann conning every business person he meets!Also, please clear out your pms or send me a new pm, because I'd like to play as allies again in Mafia, but I might have cleared out all of the messages from before. :P-ibrow
  • 0

#9 Offline MT Zehvor

MT Zehvor
  • Members
  • Mask of Time Discovered

  • 4,252 posts
  •  

Posted Apr 01 2012 - 06:42 PM

This is actually a comedy I definitely underestimated. I like the sense of humor here. KUTGW.-MT
  • 1

Dai_Gyakuten_Saiban_Sherlock_Ryunosuke.j


#10 Offline Toarobot18

Toarobot18
  • Members
  • Conqueror of the Swarm!

  • 726 posts
  •  

Posted Apr 02 2012 - 12:47 PM

*Inside Hakann's hut.*Kopaka: No! You don't understand! We just can't keep on ripping off of Sugar Bula. They're suing us, remember? They have millions and millions! We couldn't possibly win the suit.Hakann: Oh yeah? As soon as I mention to the court about Honey Bula...Kopaka: But they didn't rip off of Honey Bula! They just made a similar cereal, with a similar name!Hakann: So did we!Kopaka: No, we sell the same cereal, with the same name!Hakann: So we'll just paint over--Kopaka: No. We do it the right way this time, or I pull out my investors. Now, what should be our product name?Hakann: Sugar Bu--Kopaka: Perfect! We'll call it "Sugar Boo."Hakann: That's dumb.Kopaka: Nonsense! The matoran will love it! We can have the box mascot be Sugar Cowboy, who has to travel the wild west through ghost towns to fight the ghosts! And the bad ghost, "Boo," will be his archenemy who tries to make the tasty western cereal "100% sugar free!"Hakann: I think the mothers will get the good guys and bad guys mixed up.Kopaka: Maybe. We should do a little consumer testing. Here, I'll go out in the streets and advertise, and see how the public reacts.*A few minutes later, standing on the sidewalk.*Kopaka: *In a cheesy advertising voice.*Kapow! Kapow! New, from Hakann Cereal, Sugar Boo! The latest and greatest; even better than Sugar Bula, with even more sugar! Sugar Cowboy saves the day!*He breaks into terrible singing.*Sugar Boo is sweeter and the taste is new!It's shot with sugar, through and through!Kaaaapow!Investor: Uh, is that you Kopaka? I was looking for you... you're... um... singing?Kopaka: Um, that's nothing... I, um, Hakann forced me to--Investor: No problem. I'm just here to talk to you on behalf of the United Investors' Union.Kopaka: *Gulp.* Yes?Investor: You see, me and my pals... we're not too happy with how you're handling our money. You know, we don't really want a guy who sings in the streets about products being "shot with sugar, through and through" in charge of our cash.Kopaka: Really, I--Investor: And invests in companies that don't have licenses and are using residentially zoned property.Kopaka: I know, but--Investor: And has us purchase boxes of Sugar Bula, painted silver, for a premium price.Kopaka: Look, you go away, and I'll--Investor: The United Investors' Union has decided to stage protests throughout the city if you don't end our contracts and give us our money.Kopaka: Can you give me two months?Investor: Two months, that's all you've got. *In a threatening voice.* I'll be back!Kopaka: NOOOO!Matoran: Can I have some shewgoo boo?Kopaka: Out of my way!Matoran: Shewgoo boo is sweeder and dah taste is new!Kopaka: Look, I don't have any cereal, you toddler! Now shut up!Matoran: It shot wid shewgoo thoo and thoo!Kopaka: Look, I really have to go. You see my "friend's" business is about to be destroyed by the union, and--Matoran: Dah yoonyon?Kopaka: Yes, the union.Matoran: Dah yoonyon?Kopaka: You got it. Now go away. Shoo! Scramble!Matoran: Gimme me shewgoo boo!Kopaka: Look. Kopaka will sing you a song, if you leave afterwards.*In a terrible singing voice.*Sugar Boo is sweeter and the taste is new!It's shot with sugar, through and through!Kaaaapow!Matoran: Gimme shewgoo boo!Kopaka: That's it!!*Konk!**Thunk.**The matoran is knocked unconscious.*Vahki: MA-TOR-RAN A-BUSE!Kopaka: No, he was abusing me! Toa tormenting!Vahki: A-MUSE, NOT A-BUSE! MUST DES-TROY O-FFEN-DER!ZAAACH! ZAAACH!Kopaka: Oww! Uh... Sugar Boo is sweeter and the taste is new! It's shot with...Vahki: SOUND PER-CEPT-TION DAM-MAGE! A-LERT! A-LERT!Kopaka: ...sugar, through and through!Vahki: DES-STROY-YING MAT-TOR-RAN A-BUS-ER!Kopaka: Kaaaapow!Vahki: FA-TAL SYS-TEM ER-ROR!*Thunk.*Kopaka: Well, at least I got the public reaction to our new product. Better go.........*Later.*Kopaka: And it said "fatal system error!" See, that's the kind of reaction our products get.Hakann: You mean that's what kind of reaction your singing gets.Kopaka: ....Hakann: Owned. Now, you got the toddler interested. That's what matters. Vahki don't buy cereal.Kopaka: If I have to put up with him buying cereal, I'm quitting.Hakann: Don't worry, we don't. Matamart does.
  • 0
Posted Image
Credit to Zeddy! ------------------- Click the banner above!
And please also enjoy my other fine comedies:
The Bionicle Entrepreneur - Nuva Join the Navy - Toy Wars - A Comedy of Comics

#11 Offline fishers64

fishers64
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
  • Mask of Light Unveiled

  • 5,218 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Apr 02 2012 - 05:25 PM

Best part:

Vahki: FA-TAL SYS-TEM ER-ROR!*Thunk.*Kopaka: Well, at least I got the public reaction to our new product. Better go...go.........*Later.*Kopaka: And it said "fatal system error!" See, that's the kind of reaction our products get.Hakann: You mean that's what kind of reaction your singing gets.Kopaka: ....Hakann: Owned. Now, you got the toddler interested. That's what matters. Vahki don't buy cereal.Kopaka: If I have to put up with him buying cereal, I'm quitting.Hakann: Don't worry, we don't. Matamart does.

This was hilarious. Kopaka really got iced over (pun not intended) here. Shame. I thought Hakann was supposed to be the brainless one. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures...Next up: Pohatu dealing with screaming toddlers? 

  • 0

#12 Offline Onarax

Onarax
  • Members
  • Lord of Repulsion

  • 19,275 posts
  •  

Posted Apr 14 2012 - 02:31 AM

Here's your ordered review. Sorry about the lateness, I just sort of blank out a bit before getting to work on things. However, this won't be as in-depth as most, because Fishy has done most of the work, meaning all I'm doing is summarising everything and looking for errors she missed.Spelling and Grammar:

"Boy, is that terrible for my little matoran. Poor little Galella's teeth would rot out!"

'Rot out' isn't a grammatically correct phrase. Or is it a clause? Anyway, just remove the 'rot' and you'll be fine.

Hakann: But wait! Think of the money you could make! And you have nothing to loose, I'll back you with my college savings account of one million if we fail!

I think you mean 'to lose', not 'to loose'.

Hakann: When I make my nonnillians, you'll get some too, okay? Now will you stop complaining?

Nonillions, not nonnillians.

*Kopaka pulls the cloth off of the cart, revealing what looks like a box of Sugar Bula, except it's silver instead of yellow, and it has a blue label that says "Now with no sugar!" and also "100% organic."*

The 'also' is unnecessary.

Kopaka: You idio-- look. How much did you pay for each of those Sugar Bular boxes?

Bula, not Bular.

Vahki: YOU ARE RUN-NING THIS BUS-I-NESS WITH-OUT A LI-CENSE! I HAVE A WAR-RENT FOR YOUR AR-REST!

Warrant, not warrent.

Vahki: LUG-GAGE IS NOT NECC-SE-SARY! ALL IT-TEMS NEED-ED WILL BE PRO-VI-DED AT THE NORTH MET-RU-NUI COM-PLEX FOR TAX EV-VA-TION!

Spelling mistakes. Necessary, not neccsesary; evasion, not evvation.

Hakann: You know, I wanted to be in the business zone. But I was in the housy zone, and I wasn't in the business zone, so they wanted to withdraw my whatcha-muh-call-it. But then they killed Kopaka's whatcha instead, but then they found I was still doing my business, and then they went, like, "buzack, and buzack, and buzack!" And then I woke up. And then I was here. And you see, now how am I going to get my Wiibox3?

Housing Zone. Not housy zone.

Kopaka: No! You don't understand! We just can't keep on ripping off of Sugar Bula. They're suing us, remember? They have millions and millions! We couldn't possibly win the suit.

'Off of Sugar Bula' can be replaced with 'Off Sugar Bula'

Kopaka: But they didn't rip off of Honey Bula! They just made a similar cereal, with a similar name!

Same as above.Basically, other than a few spelling errors, your spelling and grammar is nearly perfect. I'd give it 85/100.Humour and Originality:Well the comedy is rather original, dealing with the adventures of Hakann and his attempts to become a business tycoon just so he can buy a non-existent gaming console. I can honestly say that I've never seen something like this before, so it's rather refreshing to see something new.The humour in the comedy is entertaining as well. I applaud you for weaving it into the interactions between the characters, and the situations they get into instead of merely pulling out some random things in order to get the readers to laugh. It's rather subtle, yet blatant at the same time, and I rather prefer your style over merely throwing some jokes and random occurrences in.I'd rate it 85/100.Plot:Now on to the 'meat' of your setting. To tell you the truth, the plot is ridiculous, seeing that it's all about someone attempting to get rich via becoming a businessman, getting into lots of legal shenanigans and the like, just so he can buy a non-existent gaming console. However, this is a comedy, which means the plot works perfectly.There's also the fact that there actually IS a plot, which is something some comedies seem to lack.I'd give it an 8/10.Overall: 85% + 85% + 80% / 3 = 83 1/3%

  • 0

gallery_107889_133_3220.jpg


#13 Offline MT Zehvor

MT Zehvor
  • Members
  • Mask of Time Discovered

  • 4,252 posts
  •  

Posted Apr 14 2012 - 10:36 AM

Kopaka: Look, you go away, and I'll--Investor: The United Investors' Union has decided to stage protests throughout the city if you don't end our contracts and give us our money.Kopaka: Can you give me two months?Investor: Two months, that's all you've got. *In a threatening voice.* I'll be back!

Rather odd investor.But w/e.Good chappy again, TR18. KUTGW.-MT

  • 0

Dai_Gyakuten_Saiban_Sherlock_Ryunosuke.j


#14 Offline Toarobot18

Toarobot18
  • Members
  • Conqueror of the Swarm!

  • 726 posts
  •  

Posted Apr 14 2012 - 03:54 PM

Thanks for the review Inspiration. Thanks especially for catching all those old spelling errors, while I try my best to correct the strange spelling, it's sometimes hard to find. Especially in the Vahki's case, since the words are all divided and in caps. A few of the oddities though, such as the "housy zone," were quite intentional. A new chapter will be arriving shortly.
  • 0
Posted Image
Credit to Zeddy! ------------------- Click the banner above!
And please also enjoy my other fine comedies:
The Bionicle Entrepreneur - Nuva Join the Navy - Toy Wars - A Comedy of Comics

#15 Offline Toarobot18

Toarobot18
  • Members
  • Conqueror of the Swarm!

  • 726 posts
  •  

Posted Jul 01 2012 - 10:15 PM

Kopaka: Hey, don't worry about this. I know being sued by Sugar Bula is scary, but it could be worse. That'll be when you get tried for running a businesses without a permit, running a business in a residential area, and threatening a vahki. But like I said, I've got a good lawyer for you, a fellow by the name of Lumi, and he thinks he can get us out of this case mostly unscathed.Hakann: Mostly?Kopaka: Just keep your mouth shut, and we should be good....*Later, in the court room.*Boreas: Please rise. The Metru Nuian 7th Court is now in session. Today's case is Sugar Bula International Incorporated versus The Best Cereal Company on Earth That is Owned by Hakann & Company Company. The Honorable--Hakann: *Cough.*Boreas: Judge Vakama presiding.Vakama: Would the prosecutor present his opening statements?Jaatikko: Yes, your honor. For the past fifty years, Sugar Bula International Incorparated has been making and selling fine cereal products under the trademarked product name of "Sugar Bula." In the past few weeks, Hakann has been selling his own cereal using our trademark name. In fact, he has been selling our cereal repackaged, but claiming it as his own product. These facts can be attested to by multiple witnesses from many diverse backgrounds. Through these actions Hakann has committed violations of Metru Nui Trademark Law Statute XVIII, Title IIII, Section CC as well as violations of the Lhikan Advertising Truth Code.Hakann: OBJECTION!Vakama: Ahem. Does the defendant wish to make a statement?Lumi: No.Hakann: OBJECTION!Vakama: Ahem. The prosecutor may begin prosecuting.Jaatikko: Thank you, your honor. I have asked Mrs. Clerk to testify before the court today. So, Mrs. Clerk do you mind explaining what you witnessed Hakann purchasing?Clerk: Sure. Hakann bought a ton of cereal. And by a ton, I mean eight carts, practically overflowing. He held the whole line up!Jaatikko: How many boxes did Hakann buy?Clerk: Four hundred.Jaatikko: Alright, thank you. Mr. Lumi, your witness.Lumi: Good Morning, Mr. Clerk. I have just a few questions for you. If you would answer them as carefully and as accurately as you can, I'd appreciate that. You work for a grocery store, right?Clerk: Um, yeah. That's why my name's clerk.Lumi: Right. And your grocery store sells Sugar Bula cereal, right?Clerk: Most grocery stores do.Lumi: Of course. So how many other kinds of cereals do you sell?Clerk: Um, we used to carry Honey Bula, before they went bankrupt.Lumi: I see. So nothing else these days?Clerk: Well, have you ever seen a cereal brand other than Sugar Bula?Lumi: Good point. Now, how do you think your customers would feel if Sugar Bula disappeared from your shelves?Clerk: Well, it depends, I mean some people say Sugar Bula is too sugary, but I don't think they'd like it because then they'd have to eat lunch for breakfast.Lumi: I thought so. Now, how much Sugar Bula does your store sell--Hakann: Excuse me Lumi, but isn't this kind of irrelevant?Lumi: It may seem that way so far, but let me--Hakann: You're fired. I wish to represent myself in this case.Lumi: But--Vakama: So be it. Hakann, you may continue cross-examination of the witness.Hakann: No, I'm good. Does the other team's lawyer have more things to say?Jaatikko: Indeed I do. Mr. Pohatu?Pohatu: Ready.Jaatikko: Mr. Pohatu, how many boxes of cereal did Hakann sell you?Pohatu: Four--Hakann: OBJECTION!Vakama: Ahem. Yes?Hakann: Sugar Bula ripped off Honey Bula too!Vakama: Mr. Hakann--Hakann: It's true! I tasted both cereals when I stayed at Destiny Inn ages ago and they were identical! Down to the very last crum! And that's not all--Vakama: Mr. Hakann: this is a warning. It is not your turn to speak. Please--Hakann: You eat Sugar Bula too, don't you?Vakama: I--Hakann: See! You do!Vakama: Hakann: you are contempt of the court. A fine of 1000 widgets will be imposed.Hakann: OBJECTION! You can't do that! Innocent until proven guilty, Bula eater!Vakama: Jaa, please record the fine. Jaatikko, please continue with your examination.Hakann: Jaatikko, you eat Sugar Bula too, don't you?Jaatikko: As a matter of fact I do. Now if you will--Hakann: I demand you recuse yourself!Vakama: Ahem. Hakann--Hakann: Not a word out of you, confirmed Sugar Bula swallower!Vakama: Ahem--Kopaka: Ugghh.Jaatikko: *Sigh.*Hakann: That's what I thought...( . . . )Hakann: ...and let me tell you this, I was watching the toa last week during Meet the Toa Breakfast, and every single last one of them ate Sugar Bula too! Now you tell me this is not a conspiracy!Kopaka: *Sniff.*Vakama: If the Bailiff could please come forward...( . . . )Hakann: Lay your sugar-covered claws off of me, you crunchy corn-flaky berry-beating beast!Kopaka: *Sigh.*( . . . )Jaatikko: ...with the facts clearly laid out, I rest my case.Hakann: I bet you're feeding it a bowl of Sugar Bula before bed, aren't you?!Kopaka: Ugghh.( . . .)Vakama: ...and so I hereby order The Best Cereal Company on Earth That is Owned by Hakann & Company Company and any other businesses which Hakann currently operates shut down. Hakann will pay Sugar Bula International Incorporated 1600 widgets. If he does not have that full amount, he will pay what he can, and all assets of Hakann's companies will be turned over to Sugar Bula International Incorporated.

Edited by Toarobot18, Jul 04 2012 - 07:38 PM.

  • 0
Posted Image
Credit to Zeddy! ------------------- Click the banner above!
And please also enjoy my other fine comedies:
The Bionicle Entrepreneur - Nuva Join the Navy - Toy Wars - A Comedy of Comics




0 user(s) are browsing this forum

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users