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RPG Forum Contest 23 Reviews

RPG Contest RPGC23

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#1 Online Black Six

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Posted Feb 29 2012 - 10:52 PM

RPG Forum Text-Based RPG Contest 23 ReviewsYou know the drill. Read the rules here. Submit entries here. Review entries and discuss reviews here.
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#2 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Mar 01 2012 - 10:46 PM

RPG List by How Much I Like Them Want To Play Them *1. Island of Pain (Free Iron Maiden with your voting of this RPG! And an actual one, not the band.)2. Trapped in a Map (Added Bonus - You could write song lyrics to its name!)3. The Horde out of Limbo (It definately has the best banner)4. Dreamland: Awakening (Wait, weren't we insomniacs to begin with?)5. Transformation (Tur - Tur - Tur - Tur - Chur. Terrible Transformers SFX.)6. Beat and Rhythm (If it wins, I'm playing the Kazoo)7. Day Run: The Garden (Are there strawberries?)8. Rust (WD40 ain't stoppin' this!)9. City of the Dead (Cliched name.)10. Knives in the Dark (Also swords, bows, axes, flails, and all of the polearms in the back of Unearthed Arcana)11. The Destiny War (Because sometimes, a girl named Destiny gets mad and goes to war.)12. Realm of Darkness (It's not the heart of worship.)13. Shama-Nui: Fight for Freedom (That's also what we've been doing in Island of Pain, incidentally!)* Only RPGs already up, not ones that have been promised.

I shall kick off the reviewing with...

My Review of Trapped in a Map Well overall, it's a pretty good RPG. The story, as stated before in a previous review, is intriguing (though not as original as I thought before - nothing is after you've read enough TVTropes pages; still, it's not exactly a common theme for RPGs). A few questions with the factions - you state that the Worshippers are the rulers of the city. By default, does that mean if we're part of the Worshippers faction, we are in an in-game leadership position? Perhaps a judge or a magistrate? The former might be cool to play as. And if not, who are we? Just crazy nutters with swords? And scanning down to NPCs, do the City Law Enforcers have their own undercommander that operates under Carmera? Or is she multitasking? With regards to the major focal point of the RPG - that is, to say, your map - my only issue is with the tunnels. Is there only that one entrance? Can we, say, stumble upon a hidden one? Or create our own, given the elemental powers of stone or earth to create a shaft? Or are we stuck permanently with only one tunnel entrance inside the city? With regards to stating 'super powerful Kanohi', you may want to elaborate. You can give somebody the mask of speed, one of the classics and generally accepted as always allowable, and they'll never be hit, always moving too fast. But if you give another person the mask of reanimation, and they never animate more than a couple deceased beings at a time - who aren't fast enough to avoid attacks made to take them down again - then, all other powers possessed being equal, the one using the Kakama has the advantage. Or perhaps with the Hau, easily abusable, against the Sanok, which is an auto-hit machine in the wrong hands, but a tool to be used to explain a characters great skill with weaponry. I wouldn't suggest a list of masks allowed - that would be too long - but you may wish to go through and weed out a number of Kanohi (all unique masks included) that you consider too powerful; save actual determination for custom masks.

In a big quote box like the sections of your last RPG was! :biggrin:I'm just going to edit this post and put all my reviews in it -

My Review of Knives in the DarkOkay, I'll go through by issue. You state we can speak with our Warlord, but not interact with them? Does that apply to other Warlords? Attempted assassinations, perhaps?You shouldn't have the Warlords stats at the beginning. If you wish to express their powers on the topic, place their profiles at the bottom. Since this is a very faction based RPG, the way that you set it up, I would, however, leave a list at the beginning detailing each faction, its leader, and so on. There isn't very much there, so if you added a few splinter groups to each, and maybe a few more NPCs who could act as a liaison between players and Warlord.Going back to speaking with Warlords, as I direct my course from the above paragraph - you shouldn't have it at all if you don't want physical interaction (save, of course, assassinations and the like). I'm going to make this simple - if you're in charge of multiple armies, you don't speak to your individual troops any more. You're not a sergeant, not a lieutenant, not even a captain. You stay at your fortress - which, by the way, you should also name - and you don't go out. And you especially don't talk to generic soldier number eight, that's why you have a chain of command. For the sake of your role playing alone, I would have a few right hand and left hand NPCs listed, ones that you can actually take out and use to interact with the players.Not to nitpick, but you don't need to make statements like, "with the exception of Zyglak, of course", as you did with Siren. Little comments like that aren't necessary in the profiles. There are also a few poorly worded sentences, or cases where you're using the wrong phrase, but it's still understandable.A few things to note on the atlasMetru-Nui is the only place with a true power plant. Controlling it, as was noted in the past story arcs of Bionicle long ago, is essential to controlling the Matoran Universe. It's easily defensible. I'll step into the shoes of a military adviser to Darkon here - with Metru-Nui in your pocket, you can defend yourself against most enemy invasions pretty well by bottling up, and sealing the bottle. However, by signing contracts with the other factions and providing them power, you're able to make a huge amounts of money (or its equivalent), and nobody will attack you, because if they do, they lose a vital resource, and devote attention away from fending off other enemies. And with the economic gain from this, you can keep increasing your strength while the other factions are still fighting amongst themselves. Then, when the other factions are losing, strike hard at the Southern Continent with an unbeatable force. Perhaps even make an alliance with another of the groups. So yeah. That's my viewpoint on the whole situation.I could go through a whole thing like that with any of them. I'm just too lazy to do them all so I went with the simple one.

Nothing that is impossible to defeat.

Living sand ghosts? :P

Powers: (I shall be looking at this, so overpoweredness Is not allowed. Looking at the warlords for a level power isn't a good Idea. They are supreme rulers, not citizens and army men.)

Neither are PCs. PCs aren't citizens or army men.Finally, you have poorly formatted rules lists clumped up as paragraphs. You can make posts a lot longer than that - I would know - and you could stretch out your rules and such to create lists.Anyways, that's all for now. Unless I can think of something else. Sucks for you if I do.

My Review of Beat and RhythmI can't think of anything I haven't already said so yeah whatever.

My Review of The Horde out of LimboSee, when you first say Colossus, all I can think about is Shadow of the Colossus. That's still all I'm seeing. Giant Colossi.Nitpicking here, but you said And Al-Azrad instead of Abd Al-Azrad in the summary. Of course, with a name like that, I'd be doing it wrong too. :PAddressing the RPG itself, its an intersting story. Despite hours spent on TV Tropes, I can still appreciate an attack by eldritch abominations.So we are actually allowed to go outside? It's just not safe?Can the Abd Al-Azrab (wow that's a mouthful; AAA) overcome mental shields? Or are they able to possess anybody?What time was it in the Matoran Universe (expressed in years before the Great Cataclysm) when all of this happened, or is there no actual time line?I notice that you didn't ban the Mask of Reanimation. Can you reanimate the Outer Hordelings?I don't see any problems really, and I have a pig to walk, so I'll skip the rest of the small talk. If it looks like it's going to win I'll send questions over regarding my preference of characters, but that's about it.

I couldn't find the Palatino Linotype font.

My Review of RustOkay, first off, why Antroz? Why don't you just say Teridax? Or The Makuta if you're squeamish? There's no reason for Antroz to have a hive of Kraata, modified or otherwise, in Metru-Nui. Teridax had control over Metru-Nui, and he alone. Of course, considering he created things like the Water Wraith that relied on treachery, not super-powerful Zerg Kraata, meh. Still, I understand why you needed it to be Metru-Nui... so you don't need to make a map. :PSecond off, why is anybody still in this city? I mean seriously, why would anybody want to remain in the city? Apparently some people got out of the sea gates.Direct control? Assuming direct control.... (sorry, but I'm anxious for the 3rd game)This seems a little bit much like a certain zombie game where different breeds of zombies can be found, only combined with the Zerg of Starcraft for a hive mentality and giant meat hives.Torso of a man? :POh, Half-Life was the inspiration. Never played it. Probably should. That, and Portal. I need an Orange Box. Or a box of oranges. Vitamin C is good for you.Nobody could handle twenty characters? Wanna bet....?(I kid, but have already used too many dot dot p emoticons)Just a few last things - can you reanimate Kraata? Because I had to ask that. Also, what would EP do to Kraata - or do I need to pour a jar on one of the suckers myself? Because in the past, they were made into Rahkshi armor. But with all of the changes, they're not really Kraata any more, and would instead be destroyed (theoretically).So yeah, just things like that. Nice RPG though. That's two 'horror' in the first two days...

My Review of The Destiny WarMakuta won? Again. I swear he wins in more universes than he loses in.Why would Makuta take the Matoran to the island of Mata-Nui? It's useless to him. Metru-Nui is the centralized location of the Matoran Universe, complete with power plant. Heck, he didn't even know about the island above, as it was formed at the climax of the 2004 story arc when Mata-Nui fell to Aqua Magna and he island was formed via Energized Protodermis activating.The Brotherhood is evil, sure, but I'd hardly call everyone in the Order good.Factions a bit short but do the trick. Any leadership we should know of for the Koro Resistance? Like Jaller or someone?Get rid of the lists. This isn't BZPRPG. Give a list of things you won't allow, because that's even longer. And I'd reckon TPTI would like them even less. :PImpenetrable? Really? We already went over this - nothing is impenetrable, because it's a simple fact that the GM won't think of everything. All we see when you say impenetrable is 'I dare you to take out my fortress'. Well challenge accepted man.Merely a speck on the canvas? You underestimate still the ability of a speck to become a threat.For the most part un-killable? *sigh*Why wouldn't we know of the Mata? The villagers did in the canon without ever seeing them. The Order of Mata-Nui would know of them; Helyrx at the minimum, probably more. Especially any scribes.Anyways, that's it. I shall leave spelling/grammar correction to the others. It's nice, but still a bit faulty. Just work on it - there's still time.

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:

Edited by Toa Levacius Zehvor, Mar 13 2012 - 08:22 AM.

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#3 Offline Toa Kovolta

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Posted Mar 03 2012 - 03:26 AM

Most of the Worshippers are, as you put it, in leadership positions. They control the rest of the populace through fear of the Carver and the control of resources. There are however among the populace, three main categories of people: those who firmly believe the ideology of the Worshippers, those who don't know what they believe and just follow under the rule of the Worshippers (these make up the majority), and those who rebel against the Worshippers.As for the City Law Enforcers, I was kind of thinking that when I choose some extra staff, one of them could make a character that would be the their Leader. But, we'll see how that goes.Ah yes, the tunnels, one of the more mysterious parts of the game. Anything can happen in the tunnels... Well, within reason. Like I said in their description, "the entrance is not the only exit", it's just the only publicly known one. There are probably tons of small holes in cellars, basements, alleys, etc. which hide entrances to the tunnels. If you look hard enough your bound to find one.There is one thing though, and I think I'll add this to my post. At a certain point below ground the "earth/rock" becomes a mysterious substance which is immune to the elemental powers of Toa. Something to do with the magic of the tablet.You said something about mask restrictions in your last review too if I recall correctly. The thing is, I like to group a lot of those kinds of rules under the form of "use common sense". It is obvious, through common sense, that if you decide to give your character an all powerful Ignika, so that he can bring everything around him to life to fight for him, it won't be approved. It's up to you to decide what seems reasonable using your common sense, and it's up to the staff to decide whether your common sense was right.Also, as you've shown in your example, it's not just what equipment/powers you have but how you use it/them. (I would actually say that the Kakama user in your example was GodModding.) If you give yourself a Tryna but say that (somewhat like in your example) your going to limit/reserve its powers so that dead people aren't popping up left right and centre, then there's a chance it will be approve. The same way that in the past people have chosen species that normally would not have been allowed, but they decreased their powers or changed their "personalities" ( for example, ToD's Makuta in "Shut", or even Hubert's Frostelus in "Techna").Anyways, that's just my opinion on specifying such rules. It always annoys me when someone puts a list of Kanohi and Species that are not allowed, it all falls under common sense.Thanks for the review!
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#4 Offline Onarax

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Posted Mar 03 2012 - 03:32 AM

I thank you for mentioning Zaphos. Except you've also forgotten about the ORIGINAL Zaphos in City of Ruins, and the NEXT Zaphos in Darkspace, along with my Zyglak character also in Darkspace.Anyway, so basically if we have a profile that follows all guidelines of common sense and isn't overpowered it'd be fine for your RP?
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#5 Offline Toa Kovolta

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Posted Mar 03 2012 - 03:37 AM

Ha ha! My appologies. I didn't play City of Ruins or Darkspace, so I didn't know.And yeah, should be fine. Though I still reserve the right to disprove any and all profiles I want of course :P .

Edited by Toa Kovolta, Mar 03 2012 - 03:38 AM.

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#6 Offline Toa of Dancing

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Posted Mar 03 2012 - 09:44 AM

Heh, I remember Waltix... 'Twas a fun character, even if I was completely noobish with him. Anyways, I must admit that I like that idea of allowing anything, only with limited powers. However, be careful. Knowing me (and some other people), you have to make rules quite strict. And enforce punishment. Just saying. XD
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The League of Draaaaaven is too stronk.


#7 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Mar 03 2012 - 09:52 AM

Most of the Worshippers are, as you put it, in leadership positions. They control the rest of the populace through fear of the Carver and the control of resources. There are however among the populace, three main categories of people: those who firmly believe the ideology of the Worshippers, those who don't know what they believe and just follow under the rule of the Worshippers (these make up the majority), and those who rebel against the Worshippers.

So for the thing that relates most to me - can we play judge? I would very much like to play a judge. :P

Ah yes, the tunnels, one of the more mysterious parts of the game. Anything can happen in the tunnels... Well, within reason. Like I said in their description, "the entrance is not the only exit", it's just the only publicly known one. There are probably tons of small holes in cellars, basements, alleys, etc. which hide entrances to the tunnels. If you look hard enough your bound to find one.

Thanks for clarification.

You said something about mask restrictions in your last review too if I recall correctly. The thing is, I like to group a lot of those kinds of rules under the form of "use common sense". It is obvious, through common sense, that if you decide to give your character an all powerful Ignika, so that he can bring everything around him to life to fight for him, it won't be approved. It's up to you to decide what seems reasonable using your common sense, and it's up to the staff to decide whether your common sense was right.Also, as you've shown in your example, it's not just what equipment/powers you have but how you use it/them. (I would actually say that the Kakama user in your example was GodModding.) If you give yourself a Tryna but say that (somewhat like in your example) your going to limit/reserve its powers so that dead people aren't popping up left right and centre, then there's a chance it will be approve. The same way that in the past people have chosen species that normally would not have been allowed, but they decreased their powers or changed their "personalities" ( for example, ToD's Makuta in "Shut", or even Hubert's Frostelus in "Techna").Anyways, that's just my opinion on specifying such rules. It always annoys me when someone puts a list of Kanohi and Species that are not allowed, it all falls under common sense.

Okay, so kind of a free for all then? Still, if you have to punish rule breakers more often then normal, you had fair warning. :sigh:Alright then, I don't have anything else about your RPG, save for, if it looks like its winning, a battery of questions in PM.EDIT: Actually, I do have one more question - what is the current time that the RPG is set in, from 100,000 years before the great cataclysm to 1000 years after?-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:

Edited by Toa Levacius Zehvor, Mar 03 2012 - 10:45 AM.

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#8 Offline Toa Kovolta

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Posted Mar 03 2012 - 05:28 PM

Sure you can play as a Judge! I have to agree, it would certainly be a most interesting character to play as.And as for when it's set, I hadn't really thought about it. Didn't think it would really have mattered, considering it's set inside a different dimension of sorts. But I think we can safely say it's sometime before the Great Cataclysm.Hoping to get that battery of PM's!
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#9 Offline Lloyd: the White Wolf

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Posted Mar 03 2012 - 07:36 PM

Trapped in a Map by Toa KovoltaStory: Very innovative and entertaining. I think that the story has a lot of potential, depending on how you run it. I already have character ideas. Only one question: couldn't the Worshippers deprive everyone of water until the populace joined them?Gameplay: Seems fairly average, not much to comment on here.Rules: I don't really see a need to tell what they're doing in your location/time stamp. That's what reading the post itself is for.Other: Your map looks very nice--I like how it is literally the Map tablet. There are a few grammatical errors I feel the need to point out. This is by no means all of them, but here are two:

Don’t say your at the Palace and then a second later your at the Outcast Towers.

Should be

Don’t say you're at the Palace and then a second later you're at the Outcast Towers.

and

Don’t all of a sudden kill twenty npc’s.

should be

Don’t all of a sudden kill twenty NPCs.

As for awards, what are these "extras?" You need to tell us an example or two to motivate people to try and get them.All in all, quite promising. I'll be voting for this. :)Knives in the Dark by Lord DarkonStory: It seems kinda cliche to have the realm where Makuta won...I've seen a lot of those over the years. However, I don't see how Makuta's victory=anarchy, since he'd probably try to institute some sort of order to ensure that no one tried to re-create the Matoran Civil War (which, as you'll recall, almost killed Mata Nui). I don't understand why he's suddenly paying attention to something else at a critically unstable time. Also, I think that mine trumps your in dark mood. :PGameplay: Nothing to see here, move along.

This game is like any other Text-based RPG, except with a few twists. We'll get to those later.

Er, I didn't see any of these "twists" in the gameplay?Rules: Why can't we interact with our warlord aside from chatting with him? That seems rather arbitrary. And if we don't have a warlord, can we target them all? Honestly, the support of a warlord doesn't sound NEARLY as appealing as being able to fight them.Other: The last time I saw a major NPC whose stats were blanked out, it was the ruler of Metru Nui from Bionicle Kingdoms. It didn't work well then, it doesn't work terribly well now. Some of us might want to off him (as mentioned above) and we're very capable of concocting those plans. Besides, I see no reason for him to be any more mysterious than any other warlord 9aside from the obvious fact that he's an Author Avatar).How do the warlords control Skakdi?

They citizens of the N.C. are not as efficient as Matoran, or as quick with their minds or hands like Vortixx,

Uh, the denizens of the Continent are Matoran, except for the ones evicted from Zakaz, who are Skakdi. Who are, incidentally, not loyal at all.

Vortixx run from here to there carrying weapons that could destroy a small civilization when fired.

Uh, you do realize that if that kind of firepower is readily available to any faction, everyone would be dead right now, yes? Not even a nuke can destroy a small civilization. These things, apparently, can.

performing all the other tasks required to keep Siren’s empire alive, such as farming.

Yes, because it's quite easy to farm when all the earth is stone and the waterfalls are of sand. Sirrah, Karzahni is completely uncultivatable.

Artakha himself disappeared when Teridax took over, and Anubis took full advantage of that

Er, how did he get there? The only people who knew its location were the denizens. Even the OOMN members who knew were killed. He couldn't have been one of the denizens or else Artahka would have dealt with him previously, being such a dangerous person.

The island were Tren Krom used to reside (He is now working with Teridax to become more powerful)

Why? He knows that Makuta is treacherous and dangerous, and not to be trusted in the least. He's perfectly powerful where he is and, yanno, can't leave anyway. He's anchored to the
island (by the Great Beings, no less) unless he swaps bodies with someone, and then that person is in control of the island. It's just not gonna work.

The land there is almost complete rock, thus, Toa Decrax tries to prohibit stone users there. That is, unless your on his side.

Ignoring the your/you're problem, why would he let anyone who isn't loyal to him live in his territory anyway?
By the by, your teasers don't sound all that intruiging.Over all, doesn't seem all that outstanding and very meh. You're definitely hiding a lot from us that might convince us otherwise.Beat and Rhythm by Toa of DancingStory: Koros at war, meh. Literal instruments of death? Booyah. I love this concept, and your introduction to it is very, very well written. Only one nitpick: a hydrophone is an underwater microphone. You may have been thinking of the hydraylophone. If I'm a Ga-Matoran, is that the only thing I can use, or am I allowed to use a stringed instrument?About the Dissonance Schism, why the heck would that happen? I don't see any motivation that could have triggered it. Someone said "oh, I don't like peace!" That makes no sense. And it seems more likely that they'd be reduced to only Ko-Wahi instead of Kini-Nui, since Ko-Wahi is more likely to have devastating avalances rain down on users of War Music. You give an explanation for this, I see, in the Location/Faction section, but A: that should go in the story section as well and B: makes little to no sense. Why would they experiment in the first place? They're in a place where the slightest misstep could cause an avalanche and they're winning anyway. They don't need more weapons. Also, what happened to the Turaga?Gameplay: Aside from the music as Toa Powers, nothing much to see. However, that's pretty cool in itself, so it can carry this section.Rules: Nothing to see here.Other: Nothing to see here.Considering everything, it's strong in gameplay but it's backstory has a critical plot hole that could have changed the course of the story.~+~Response to Lev Zev:The Colossi are, in fact inspired partially by SotC, and partially by Evangelion. :PI did? Darn, I'll fix it. Thanks.I suppose you could go out if you wanted to (they won't open the gates for you, though--one guy vs the Outer Hordes? Not worth it) but you're pretty much done for, then.They can possess anything, yes. However, like I said, permitting this to happen is up to the player. It's kinda like a Mafia mechanic.Off the top of my head I'm not sure what time it happens, but I'd have to say perhaps just prior to the Destiny War.The Tryna is not effective on things from outside reality. I let players use more powerful things than they normally would because PvP will be somewhat minimal, excluding dealing with a saboteur. :w:

Edited by Lloyd: the White Wolf, Mar 03 2012 - 07:45 PM.

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#10 Offline BenLuke

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Posted Mar 03 2012 - 10:35 PM

The Horde out of Limbo --The banner is really neat. Goes great with the Lovecraft quote that follows it.Huh. So the Makuta "delved too deep" and awoken an ancient evil. Fascinating."The Bastion"? Has someone been playing Bastion recently?You could have some more detail about what's inside the Bastion. Listening a couple important buildings/chambers and their comparative locations would be helpful.I really like it. Hopefully I'l be able to find the time to play, assuming it wins.
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#11 Offline Lloyd: the White Wolf

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Posted Mar 03 2012 - 10:38 PM

"The Bastion"? Has someone been playing Bastion recently?

Actually no, it was the first cool name for a fortress that came to mind.

You could have some more detail about what's inside the Bastion. Listening a couple important buildings/chambers and their comparative locations would be helpful.

I thought about doing that...maybe I'll make a diagram of the Bastion. Could take a little while.Thanks for the advice. :):w:

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#12 Offline Evex_Wolfwing

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Posted Mar 03 2012 - 11:01 PM

Wait, what? Another Contest? AND I'M ENTERING!? D:Well, in that case, I better start them reviews. So, this time the lucky man (or woman, can never be sure on the internet) is... *drumroll*Llyod!Comments in this bolded text.
Spoiler

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#13 Offline Lloyd: the White Wolf

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Posted Mar 03 2012 - 11:21 PM

Lloyd.Marry me.This is practically everything I love. Post-apoc., End of Days, mehca, Eldritch, abstract beasts, etc... Seriously, you even have the Necronomicon. But what is best is that this is good, an excellent intro that evokes Lovecraft's writings.

I'm glad you like it, I read quite a bit of Lovecraft's work to get the right feeling, and more use out of a thesaurus than I have in the last ten years of my experience combined.

Also, I would write it as: "...is the last stronghold against these horrors. It is guarded by an army of..."

Thanks for the advice.

Thing is, though, if these creatures are so powerful, and just looking at them can drive you stark raving mad, it feels kinda unfair. I suppose that most of the stuff out there for our characters to fight is small stuff, while the big stuff you yourself will deal with using those EVAs Colossi.

Well, the idea is supposed to evoke a no-win scenario, since when was the last time you ever read a Lovecraft story with an upbeat ending? If there is an enterprising player with a plan to repulse the Outer Hordes from Metru Nui, I'd absolutely love to see how they pull it off.I'm not selfish, the Colossi are for player use as well--anyone who I think will be responsible with it may have one if they wish to ask for it.

A map of the Bastion would be appreciated. Also, wouldn't there still be buildings to look, or is everything taken/destroyed?

Map of Bastion, noted. There are...I guess you could say there are buildings left, but they're really more ruins now.

Name: Bryant (Name is reminding me of somebody, but who...?)Gender: MaleSpecies: Ta-ToaDescription: Compared to other Toa, Bryant is notably tall, and his armor is a bright firey red. His Hau, shoulder, and chest armor is a gleaming gold.Powers: Fire, Shelding (Sp. Shielding)Weapons: He wields a pair of perfectly-balanced protosteel sabers which he uses with lethal efficiency.Personality: Whatever loves, hates, dreams, or fears Bryant may have had before the Outer Hordes arrived, they are long since subsumed by the character of the hero-commander which he has been made to take up. His goal is the deliverance of Matoran-kind from the Outer Hordes (which he loathes) and the rebuilding of the Matoran Universe. He seems to view Matoran victory as certain, merely a matter of time.Background: Bryant’s village was destroyed by a horde of Makuta-infected Rahi, and his Toa Team was wiped out in their ensuing retaliation. He fought the Makuta responsible one-on-one and killed him, destroying him down to the last wisp of antidermis. Left with nothing to safeguard, he moved to Metru Nui, which he served faithfully. It is rumoured that he often vanished to infiltrate Destral on occasion, but so far these rumours have not been substantiated. When the Outer Hordes invaded, he was always in the theatre of the fiercest fighting, whether fighting on the front lines as a footsoldier or, later, commanding his men into battle and exploiting anything he thought could be a weakness. He is the last surviving commander of the Bastion.Morally ambiguous protagonist - Check.

The name was taken from Regal Bryant of Tales of Symphonia. Shielding is his mask power, I suppose I should make that more clear.

Personality: Ravel seems slightly mad, but whether she always was or if her experiences in the war made her that way, no one is certain. Her behaviour is erratic, but with one underlying current of consistency: ultimate loyalty to Bryant. (Sp. behavior)

Er what? Not sure what that means.

In closing...As I said, I enjoy Lovecraft. But at the same time we need a goal to get players to play for. At the moment the Outer Hordes seem indestructible (That is not dead which can eternal lie. And with strange aeons even death may die). A means to defeat them, a means to escape the Matoran Universe, something. I would be happy just surviving, but I can't say the same for other players.All in all, I love this. Just needs a bit more. And...Iä! Iä! SHUB-NIGGURATH THE BLACK GOAT OF THE WOODS WITH A THOUSAND YOUNG!

I'm glad you like it, and I admit I didn't expect to find another person with an interest in Lovecraft around here (I wouldn't call myself a dedicated fan, but his work is rich in resources for my own writing). Like I said, the point is to fight as long as you possibly can, then hand off the torch to another person while your mind shatters and your body is torn to bits. Individual character likely have no hope of winning, but maybe, just maybe, there's a light at the end of the dark, betentacled tunnel. I love to experiment with RPGs. Night of Infinity was an experiment with the Science Fiction genre, and Darkspace was an experiment in player control and multiple/bad endings. I am fairly certain that I'm the only person to have permitted the story to come to a bad end. Cradle of Civilization was an experiment with customizing and construction, inspired by Minecraft and the like. The Horde out of Limbo is an experiment with the Cosmic Horror genre, and an experiment to see how players handle their characters' imminent deaths, since PC life is something most people hold sacrosanct.Return review to come. In short, very interesting and in-depth.:w:

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#14 Offline Evex_Wolfwing

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Posted Mar 03 2012 - 11:44 PM

Thing is, though, if these creatures are so powerful, and just looking at them can drive you stark raving mad, it feels kinda unfair. I suppose that most of the stuff out there for our characters to fight is small stuff, while the big stuff you yourself will deal with using those EVAs Colossi.

Well, the idea is supposed to evoke a no-win scenario, since when was the last time you ever read a Lovecraft story with an upbeat ending? If there is an enterprising player with a plan to repulse the Outer Hordes from Metru Nui, I'd absolutely love to see how they pull it off.I'm not selfish, the Colossi are for player use as well--anyone who I think will be responsible with it may have one if they wish to ask for it.

Incidentally, just what do the Colossi look like? Steampunk, giant Exo-Toa, EVAs...?

Name: Bryant (Name is reminding me of somebody, but who...?)Gender: MaleSpecies: Ta-ToaDescription: Compared to other Toa, Bryant is notably tall, and his armor is a bright firey red. His Hau, shoulder, and chest armor is a gleaming gold.Powers: Fire, Shelding (Sp. Shielding)Weapons: He wields a pair of perfectly-balanced protosteel sabers which he uses with lethal efficiency.Personality: Whatever loves, hates, dreams, or fears Bryant may have had before the Outer Hordes arrived, they are long since subsumed by the character of the hero-commander which he has been made to take up. His goal is the deliverance of Matoran-kind from the Outer Hordes (which he loathes) and the rebuilding of the Matoran Universe. He seems to view Matoran victory as certain, merely a matter of time.Background: Bryant’s village was destroyed by a horde of Makuta-infected Rahi, and his Toa Team was wiped out in their ensuing retaliation. He fought the Makuta responsible one-on-one and killed him, destroying him down to the last wisp of antidermis. Left with nothing to safeguard, he moved to Metru Nui, which he served faithfully. It is rumoured that he often vanished to infiltrate Destral on occasion, but so far these rumours have not been substantiated. When the Outer Hordes invaded, he was always in the theatre of the fiercest fighting, whether fighting on the front lines as a footsoldier or, later, commanding his men into battle and exploiting anything he thought could be a weakness. He is the last surviving commander of the Bastion.Morally ambiguous protagonist - Check.

The name was taken from Regal Bryant of Tales of Symphonia. Shielding is his mask power, I suppose I should make that more clear.

Huh... I have friends who like that, but they haven't told me anything about it...Unintentional telepathy? :P

Personality: Ravel seems slightly mad, but whether she always was or if her experiences in the war made her that way, no one is certain. Her behaviour is erratic, but with one underlying current of consistency: ultimate loyalty to Bryant. (Sp. behavior)

Er what? Not sure what that means.

Spelling error.

In closing...As I said, I enjoy Lovecraft. But at the same time we need a goal to get players to play for. At the moment the Outer Hordes seem indestructible (That is not dead which can eternal lie. And with strange aeons even death may die). A means to defeat them, a means to escape the Matoran Universe, something. I would be happy just surviving, but I can't say the same for other players.All in all, I love this. Just needs a bit more. And...Iä! Iä! SHUB-NIGGURATH THE BLACK GOAT OF THE WOODS WITH A THOUSAND YOUNG!

I'm glad you like it, and I admit I didn't expect to find another person with an interest in Lovecraft around here (I wouldn't call myself a dedicated fan, but his work is rich in resources for my own writing). Like I said, the point is to fight as long as you possibly can, then hand off the torch to another person while your mind shatters and your body is torn to bits. Individual character likely have no hope of winning, but maybe, just maybe, there's a light at the end of the dark, betentacled tunnel. I love to experiment with RPGs. Night of Infinity was an experiment with the Science Fiction genre, and Darkspace was an experiment in player control and multiple/bad endings. I am fairly certain that I'm the only person to have permitted the story to come to a bad end. Cradle of Civilization was an experiment with customizing and construction, inspired by Minecraft and the like. The Horde out of Limbo is an experiment with the Cosmic Horror genre, and an experiment to see how players handle their characters' imminent deaths, since PC life is something most people hold sacrosanct.Return review to come. In short, very interesting and in-depth. :w:

Well, I hope this experiment is carried through, as I'm definitely interested.OH, and I forgot, do we have a limit to how many characters we can have at a time?

My Review of RustOkay, first off, why Antroz? Why don't you just say Teridax? Or The Makuta if you're squeamish? There's no reason for Antroz to have a hive of Kraata, modified or otherwise, in Metru-Nui. Teridax had control over Metru-Nui, and he alone. Of course, considering he created things like the Water Wraith that relied on treachery, not super-powerful Zerg Kraata, meh. Still, I understand why you needed it to be Metru-Nui... so you don't need to make a map. :PSecond off, why is anybody still in this city? I mean seriously, why would anybody want to remain in the city? Apparently some people got out of the sea gates.Direct control? Assuming direct control.... (sorry, but I'm anxious for the 3rd game)This seems a little bit much like a certain zombie game where different breeds of zombies can be found, only combined with the Zerg of Starcraft for a hive mentality and giant meat hives.Torso of a man? :POh, Half-Life was the inspiration. Never played it. Probably should. That, and Portal. I need an Orange Box. Or a box of oranges. Vitamin C is good for you.Nobody could handle twenty characters? Wanna bet....?(I kid, but have already used too many dot dot p emoticons)Just a few last things - can you reanimate Kraata? Because I had to ask that. Also, what would EP do to Kraata - or do I need to pour a jar on one of the suckers myself? Because in the past, they were made into Rahkshi armor. But with all of the changes, they're not really Kraata any more, and would instead be destroyed (theoretically).So yeah, just things like that. Nice RPG though. That's two 'horror' in the first two days...

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:

Honestly? I Ennie-Meiny-Miney-Moed it. I felt that Mutran and Chirox needed a break, so I chose a random Makuta to have his creations shine.It happened fast, and it was sealed off before the Rust could spread. The few for the many. Kinda sucks, but that's what happened.If you have a Tyran, then sure, you could reanimate. But I'm going to ahve to ask to not raise an entire army of the undead.EP is just luck of the draw now. Maybe they will change, maybe they will die agonizing deaths.

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#15 Offline Lloyd: the White Wolf

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Posted Mar 04 2012 - 12:35 AM

Rust by Crogenitor EvexStory: Well...Kraata, I did not expect. Interesting choice, and a good callback to 2003. I think it sounds like a more upbeat version of my RPG in that the Makuta are responsible for unleashing a terrible horde upon the Matoran, the RPG takes place in Metru Nui, and the players have their backs to the wall. As for locations...what's with the mangroves? Where did they come from? Who bioengineered the seeds for them (cause they certainly ain't native to any MU island I know of), and why? Concerning the Kraata types, I'm impressed by the amount of detail you've put into them. You obviously spent a lot of time working them out. Every type seems unique and poses its own threat.Gameplay: Seems fairly ordinary.Rules: Rules are rules, yada yada.Other: Fairly obvious that your headcrabs jockeys are the Half-Life element here. :PAll in all, seems promising, even if the tone is a tad lukewarm.~+~

Incidentally, just what do the Colossi look like? Steampunk, giant Exo-Toa, EVAs...?

Every Colossus is custom-designed by the player. they can be pretty much anything.Ah, thanks for pointing out the error in "shielding." However, "Behaviour" is the British spelling for it, and I use the two spellings alternately as my tone requires. :w:

Edited by Lloyd: the White Wolf, Mar 04 2012 - 12:38 AM.

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#16 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Mar 04 2012 - 12:58 AM

Well, the idea is supposed to evoke a no-win scenario, since when was the last time you ever read a Lovecraft story with an upbeat ending? If there is an enterprising player with a plan to repulse the Outer Hordes from Metru Nui, I'd absolutely love to see how they pull it off.

The Horde out of Limbo is an experiment with the Cosmic Horror genre, and an experiment to see how players handle their characters' imminent deaths, since PC life is something most people hold sacrosanct.

I don't believe in the no-win scenario. - Captain James T. Kirk; Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

It happened fast, and it was sealed off before the Rust could spread. The few for the many. Kinda sucks, but that's what happened.

See that stuff underlined? That's why I had to make the quote above. To keep the theme of this post. Even though its badly fragmented.Anyways, questions and stuff all answered, so good luck to both of you. In the brutal combat for the horror genre seat. Now, faces. They need to be ripped off brutally.Now stepping back to TiaM...

Sure you can play as a Judge! I have to agree, it would certainly be a most interesting character to play as.And as for when it's set, I hadn't really thought about it. Didn't think it would really have mattered, considering it's set inside a different dimension of sorts. But I think we can safely say it's sometime before the Great Cataclysm

Awesomesauce with a win-cherry on top! Well, there was. But I ate it. Sorry.That aside, I ask - and will with most RPGs - because I have a rough timeline that says where my primary RPG character would be at each point in time in the primary Matoran Universe, what equipment he would have, and how powerful he would be - physical best is some 20,000 years before the Great Cataclysm and starts degrading 10,000 years afterwards; elemental never stops increasing. Things like that.Though Levacius isn't touching Rust. Heck, my first reaction to that would be nova blast. Because you know what? Karzahni was taken out with one. And Metru-Nui is smaller. And since only the breeding Kraata can breed, and the only Kraata that would survive a lightning blast would be Type 7 within electricity. Maybe. I don't think they have resistance to their own power. And if they do? It's a nova blast that destroys buildings. AnnihilationActually, you know what, here's a question for Lloyd - has anybody in the RPG world tried going Nova on the big-bads? Not that we can, but in the past, NPCs could have tried it.-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:

Edited by Toa Levacius Zehvor, Mar 04 2012 - 12:59 AM.

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#17 Offline Lloyd: the White Wolf

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Posted Mar 04 2012 - 01:06 AM

Well, the idea is supposed to evoke a no-win scenario, since when was the last time you ever read a Lovecraft story with an upbeat ending? If there is an enterprising player with a plan to repulse the Outer Hordes from Metru Nui, I'd absolutely love to see how they pull it off.

The Horde out of Limbo is an experiment with the Cosmic Horror genre, and an experiment to see how players handle their characters' imminent deaths, since PC life is something most people hold sacrosanct.

I don't believe in the no-win scenario. - Captain James T. Kirk; Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

No question of what you're going to be trying to do. :P

Actually, you know what, here's a question for Lloyd - has anybody in the RPG world tried going Nova on the big-bads? Not that we can, but in the past, NPCs could have tried it.-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:

I...had not thought of that. It'd probably end with the whole island and everything on it wiped out, but considering that there are even more on the other islands and in the limbo between worlds, it seems more of a setback than anything else. I think that I'm going to say the reason they're not permitted on MN is because, like you said, they'd wipe everything out, and there isn't any place else to run. If they lose, Matoran civilization will be a memory.:w:

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#18 Offline Toa Kovolta

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Posted Mar 04 2012 - 03:19 AM

Only one question: couldn't the Worshippers deprive everyone of water until the populace joined them?

Yeah, that's a possibility. At the moment, that's not how they're going about it. But once the game gets going, who knows what will happen. It would certainly lead to interesting gameplay.

Rules: I don't really see a need to tell what they're doing in your location/time stamp. That's what reading the post itself is for.

True. For this it's really whatever floats your boat. You don't have to put anything other than IC if you don't want to. This is just what I like to do myself, it gives a little reminder. One place where I could see it being useful is a dialogue only response to a post that's a page away. But again, like I said, whatever floats your boat.

As for awards, what are these "extras?" You need to tell us an example or two to motivate people to try and get them.

These would be things like extra characters and special items falling from the sky. I'll add that in there.Grammar Errors fixed.

All in all, quite promising. I'll be voting for this. :)

Good to hear! Thanks for the review!

Edited by Toa Kovolta, Mar 04 2012 - 03:22 AM.

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#19 Offline Kilgore Trout

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Posted Mar 04 2012 - 07:34 PM

@Lev : Thank you for the review! (Had to get that out of the way) Anyway, about the Warlord interaction error, You could try to assassinate another warlord, but considering how hard that would be... I say that it's a good rule to prevent physical interaction to all Warlord. After all, someone doesn't have to touch someone to kill them. About the warlord stats at the beginning, I just kinda like them there. It's strange, but I just like the look of them together, with locations following. I plan to have NPCs that talk to the PCs, and only allowing PCs to speak to their warlord when they prove themselves "worthy". The little comments are a bit annoying, but I really don't have the time to go and take them all out. You had to bring up SandGhost, didn't you? :P If I have the time, I plan to fix the rules section.@Lloyd : Once again, the question of why Teridax has allowed anarchy to reign. Well, I really can't say, since it has to do with the RPG's storyline that would occur later on. That twist thing was from a much earlier draft. Can't believe I forgot to take that out. About Lord Darkon, I just wanted someone mysterious. A bit cheesy, I know, but I wanted one. About warlords controlling Skakdi, how did Nektann control his skakdi when he was a warlord? It seemed possible, and Nektann, while not keeping his army strict, he did keep them ready to fight (Somewhat). About the Matoran thing, I totally forgot about that. And about the Vortixx thing, that was massive exaggeration, and I'll be sure to fix that. About the farming thing, I'll be sure to fix that as well. Anubis has a mysterious past, so mysterious, even I am still plotting some of it out. :P. That Tren Krom thing doesn't make sense(I'm not even sure what I was thinking), and I'm gonna remove it. About the stone-user thing, I'll be sure to edit as well. Thanks for the indepth review!
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#20 Offline Toa of Dancing

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Posted Mar 05 2012 - 08:51 AM

Beat and Rhythm by Toa of DancingStory: Koros at war, meh. Literal instruments of death? Booyah. I love this concept, and your introduction to it is very, very well written. Only one nitpick: a hydrophone is an underwater microphone. You may have been thinking of the hydraylophone. If I'm a Ga-Matoran, is that the only thing I can use, or am I allowed to use a stringed instrument?About the Dissonance Schism, why the heck would that happen? I don't see any motivation that could have triggered it. Someone said "oh, I don't like peace!" That makes no sense. And it seems more likely that they'd be reduced to only Ko-Wahi instead of Kini-Nui, since Ko-Wahi is more likely to have devastating avalances rain down on users of War Music. You give an explanation for this, I see, in the Location/Faction section, but A: that should go in the story section as well and B: makes little to no sense. Why would they experiment in the first place? They're in a place where the slightest misstep could cause an avalanche and they're winning anyway. They don't need more weapons. Also, what happened to the Turaga?Gameplay: Aside from the music as Toa Powers, nothing much to see. However, that's pretty cool in itself, so it can carry this section.Rules: Nothing to see here.Other: Nothing to see here.Considering everything, it's strong in gameplay but it's backstory has a critical plot hole that could have changed the course of the story.

How can I say this without breaking the universe... Hmm... Eh... THAAAAAAAANK YYYYYOUUUUUUUUUUU. I've been kicking myself over that not sounding right. You have been the first person out of many to point out the plothole to suggest an alternative. I'll edit it in when I have time. Thanks, Lloyd. And thanks for the compliment on my writing. =3Also, if that's the thing where you run your fingers over the holes that are spewing water, then yeah. That's what I meant. Will edit.And now, as your RPG isn't an eyesore and I was going to read it anyways...

The Horde out of Limbo by Lloyd: the White Wolf

Banner and quote immediately make me think "not enough Bionicle," but it looks cool. Plus, that's probably just first impression and nothing else. Also, the name makes me think of black silhouette spiders and men. If you get why, you're awesome.The story is definitely interesting. I see the SotC inspiration (woot) for sure. Not really too Bionicle-ish, but the references make it good. Only problem is that you introduce the Elder Leviathans (paragraph 3), then in the next paragraph you act like we hadn't been introduced to them. But anyways, 'tis cool.First sentence of the summary ended with a preposition (could be "could neither understand nor control."). =P And we have permission to kill (in special cases)? Cool.Shot down my idea of being an AA-A Colossus pilot before I could even say it. Anyways, faction are easy enough to undeerstand. Locations are locations, too. Honestly, I don't see why these couldn't just be combined in this case. Not really a need to have them separate.Bryant is a bit too human of a name, honestly. Given, this is coming from the guy who used "Eryn" and "Alan," but still. Anyways, so I'm not just harping on that, good profile. Seems like a cool guy. Also, you say NPCs, but only have one (there). Ravel should probably be thrown in there and you reference both of them as examples for a profile.Rules are rules, whoopdeedoo. Not really anything of note.SO. Interesting little RPG, to be sure. I'd love to play it, see how we can stave off death. It didn't take long to read, and you still laid out everything. Overall, I'd say that I give it a 96/100.

Edited by Toa of Dancing, Mar 05 2012 - 08:53 AM.

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#21 Offline Rhaegar Targaryen

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Posted Mar 07 2012 - 06:02 PM

Review #1Trapped on a MapBy Toa KovoltaLayout: Simple, short and sweet. Nothing to complain about at all.Story: Can you explain the time period the MU is in? Is Teridax dead? Is it in peace or war? The city also needs to be fleshed out some more. Was it made by the Worshippers? By the carver? When did the first people arrive? Why were the towers deemed unsafe? And how can one escape the city? Gliders? Tunnels?Background info aside, the premise is fine and originalLocations/Profiles: The locations are normal, for a small sandbox like this. Profiles are normal.Misc: N/AReview #2: Knives in the DarkBy Toa DarkonLayout: Rather unconventional. Story-profiles-locations is a bit unusual. Otherwise, its nice and simple.Story: A post-war battle of intrigue between uber-powerful warlords. Simple and basic. However, it leaves little choice for those who want a good character. Locations/Profiles: The warlords need more backstory. And there needs to be a location for neutral/good characters, away from the warlords. Perhaps a smaller isle like Nynrah or a made up one?Misc: N/AReview #3Beat and RhythmBy Toa of DancingLayout: An excellent intro, detailed, fleshed out story and a summary. Fleshed out and longer then most these days.Story: Music turned into weapons, pretty creative. Set onto a familiar locale, drawn into the usual war. But where did the Toa come from?Locations/Profiles: Good 'ole Mata Nui. A description of the Wahi surrounding the villages might add some more depth. Profiles are fine.Misc: N/AReview #4The Horde out of LimboBy Lloyd: the White WolfLayout: An excellent, horror movie esque intro made in almost short story like detail. Everything else is normal.Story: A basic, rather effective cosmic horror story. Although, how long the defenders have been in the Bastion and where the Hordes first attacked would be useful background information. Factions are fine.Locations/Profiles: Locations are simple and short. My only complaint is Bryant's name, needs to be bit more Bionicle-ish.Misc: Is there any possibility of survivors outside the Bastion? Are there any lone wolves holed up in remote areas of the city, struggling to survive?More coming.
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#22 Offline Lloyd: the White Wolf

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Posted Mar 07 2012 - 06:21 PM

Thanks for the response. As for the possibility of other survivors, er, no. If you have a horde of hideous abominations from beyond the frontiers of space and time invading your city, you'd either hide with the largest group of survivors you could, or you'd go stark raving mad if they didn't kill you first.:w:
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#23 Offline Rhaegar Targaryen

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Posted Mar 07 2012 - 06:40 PM

There goes one character. :(
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#24 Offline Cosmic Titan

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Posted Mar 07 2012 - 06:58 PM

I would write out nice reviews for each rpg but I don't want to hurt anyones feelings. And I am bad with words.I really like Day Run and Rust looks amazing. Their concepts just make me happy.Now some of the rpg's involve slavery or being trapped. I hate slavery and even the idea makes me angry. I just can't take time to make a character and then enslave them. Sorry.The Horde out of Limbo has appeal but I have trouble picturing what they are fighting and this will make me not want to join such a thing. Giant battle robots on the other hand sound fun to design and write about.Regardless of the winners I will still continue to try to participate.
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#25 Offline Lloyd: the White Wolf

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Posted Mar 07 2012 - 07:27 PM

Do not be worried about offending anyone--the number one rule of writing any sort of creative enterprise is that constructive criticism is the life-blood of writers. If you tell us what is wrong and suggest a way to fix it, we thrive on that.:w:
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#26 Offline TX Wade

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Posted Mar 07 2012 - 09:29 PM

Well, here's my review for some of the RPGs at the moment but not all of them seeing as how I have little time to write at the moment.Trapped in a Map:This RPG sounds like lots of fun and the story and setting is very unique and creative. The mystery factor is still up there I would say and it seems the story concerning the carver, the map, etc. will unfold quite nicely as the game progresses (if it wins, that is). The gameplay is up to regular standards, same with profiles, rules and whatnot and I really look forward to playing this RPG if it wins. :)Rust:I'm going to be honest and hope I don't hurt anyone's feelings in doing so but this entry is by far my favorite. I absolutely love the semi post-apocalyptic setting, the concept of kraata and the rusted. Sounds like the type of game where you're really going to have to work together to survive and walking about the city ruins isn't exactly a cakewalk, having multiple risks. Gameplay's up to par, it seems like it will be fun combating the kraata and discovering their mysteries, pleased to see what you did with the locations (if it wasn't Metru-Nui, I would ask for a map) and profile creation is easy. In short, great job and this one's got my vote.Like I said, not a lot of time so I'll have to write up my thoughts on the other RPGs later.
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#27 Offline Toa Kovolta

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Posted Mar 08 2012 - 03:19 AM

Review #1Trapped on a MapBy Toa KovoltaLayout: Simple, short and sweet. Nothing to complain about at all.Story: Can you explain the time period the MU is in? Is Teridax dead? Is it in peace or war? The city also needs to be fleshed out some more. Was it made by the Worshippers? By the carver? When did the first people arrive? Why were the towers deemed unsafe? And how can one escape the city? Gliders? Tunnels?Background info aside, the premise is fine and originalLocations/Profiles: The locations are normal, for a small sandbox like this. Profiles are normal.Misc: N/A

Someone else asking about the time period eh? As I said before, I never really thought about it, but since so many people are wondering, maybe I should. I'll think about it and add it in later.As for the City, it's a mix of both carved into the map by the Carver, and built up by the inhabitants. And it's probably been over 1000 years since the Carver first started using the Map tablet.The towers were deemed unsafe because the Map is cracking and breaking around the edges.And you think I'm going to tell you how to escape the city? Think again! It's your job to figure that out yourself. ;)Thanks for the review, and pointing out a few of the things I need to add.

Trapped in a Map:This RPG sounds like lots of fun and the story and setting is very unique and creative. The mystery factor is still up there I would say and it seems the story concerning the carver, the map, etc. will unfold quite nicely as the game progresses (if it wins, that is). The gameplay is up to regular standards, same with profiles, rules and whatnot and I really look forward to playing this RPG if it wins. :)

Thanks for the review and the support! :)

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#28 Offline Lloyd: the White Wolf

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Posted Mar 08 2012 - 11:59 AM

The Hunger Games: Bionicle Style by Ace of SkullsStory: It's the Hunger Games. In Bionicle. At least you're straightforward about your inspiration. But let me just say NO. No no no. This story does not work at all. I don't see how Makuta would be able to conquer the entire population of the Matoran at all, even ignoring that District 13 is on the loose. And that's another thing--why would Makuta ever allow the most dangerous people in the area to go free? He is far more competent than Snow or any of Snow's predecessors that may have made such a deal in the original books. The only time anyone's ever successfully got him to lay off of them was when Vakama got him to back off for a year. How'd he do that? By threatening to smash the Vahi and destroy time itself. And even then, it took some fast talking. I am not convinced that anything else could hold leverage over Makuta like that, and the mutual destruction explanation from the original books doesn't hold up. There's nothing either of the sides are throwing around that is guaranteed to kill the other. I honestly cannot see why Makuta would exterminate Vortixx or Skakdi, although I can't say as much about other races because we haven't seen many of them. Vortixx would give him advanced weapons, and Skakdi are excellent fighters. If he rewards them for serving him and kills any of them who breaks his rules, the others will stay in line. That's how their psychology works. And Lhik brings up a good point--where are all the Toa Nuva? How about the Mahri? Krakua? The OoMN? What happened to Tren Krom? Lots of loose ends on people who would (and could) fight back against Makuta.Gameplay: I find it difficult to be impressed by your threats to kill PCs. Many, many, many RPGs have made the same threat and very few ever followed up on it. Heck, even in the original books people were able to pull through the Games without everyone dying. Let me just say that players tend to view "you cannot" statements as a challenge. Peacekeepers will drop like flies, because it's hard to take any action when you're being Force-choked by an air Toa.Rules: I honestly don't see he need for such rigid division between the Tribute gameplay and the Rebel gameplay--in the original books, the Rebels were able to intervene in the 75th and dividing the game into two parts just presents a dis-unified structure. I don't see anything wrong with arguing with an administrator if that admin is wrong, and so far your presentation hasn't convinced me that you would not use your power to railroad us. As for having 24 Tributes...let's just say that most RPGs get smaller player rosters than that. The rules for being a Citizen are boring and pointless, since there's nothing to do and they're going to support the Rebels anyway. Regarding blank slates: Boring. If someone dies, people tend to make whole new characters, which tends to be good for their ability to write and their experience. Those who don't will make carbon copies anyway--you don't need to put it into the rules.Other:

If you want to be a rebel, you do not need a job. Your rebel group receives ‘funding’ from an unknown source

If you are a rebel, you will be given missions from an unknown source. Until the Games are over, this source will remain unnamed and mysterious.

SPOILER: It's District Thirteen. That's the problem with making a carbon-copy of a story and porting it elsewhere. We already know how it ends.

Weapons are prohibited in the Districts. They are very difficult to find, and if you are a citizen, you aren’t allowed to have them.

And that's why Katniss had a bow and kept it for a large portion of her life. :uhuh: You make it sound like there's no corruption among the Peacekeepers, while the original books made it very clear that there was.

You can NOT kill Capital Officials, Peacekeepers or the President. Try and you will die. They are specially trained in combat, where District members are not, and they will defeat you, even if you are a rebel leader.

Do you know what this is? This is called "painting a target" and players WILL take shots at it. Players are very inventive. I, personally, have managed to derail entire storylines in the span of a few posts. Let me go over a few ways to kill, oh, say, Makuta. Get a job on his palace staff with a Matoran. Have that Matoran gather intelligence about his daily routine. During that routine, sneak in an Air Toa and a Metal Toa. Metal Toa destroys his armor, and the Air Toa disperses his Antidermis. Job done. A Peacekeeper would be ever easier: use some sort of Toa that can create something pointy (Metal, Ice, Stone, etc.) and stab them in the throat when no one is looking. Voila, an Illusion mask and a Peacekeeper outfit, perfect for any infiltration mission.

Do not argue. Administrators know best.

No, they don't. I cite to you the case of a Game Master who tried to force a war into a game of international politics and intrigue.How did Makuta manage to purge every single last non-Matoran/Toa/Turaga? And how did he manage to eliminate every single mask that wasn't one of the original six?

Under the most exceptional circumstances, I may allow extraordinary members to create a Makuta character and join the Brotherhood. DO NOT ASK ME. If I feel you deserve the privilege, I will grant it.

IE never. Rewards almost never are used in an RPG no matter how much they're touted, unless they're ranks in a military.The Island of Pain by The Dreadful Flying GloveStory: Honestly I don't see much fo a story here. Obvious there's the ongoing "escape the island" thing, but aside from outright taking a Toa of Metal and leaving, I don't really see a way.Gameplay: Gameplay-wise this seems like just a more engaging and focused version of the Hunger Games RPG, and you might not have wanted to be right below said RPG in the Submissions list. However, I'm seeing more PvP happening than anything else.Rules: Rules are rules.Other: Jontan=Gaara ripoff.Realm of Darkness by Zombie Shark RagnarokStory: Er, exile of Teridax? Why not off him or at the very least imprison him? That'd be a lot safer than setting him loose to scheme again. Why did the Dark Hunters disband? Surely there's demand for business. How did Xia, of all places, become a jungle? It was immensely profitable (thus, no reason to stop doing it) and it would take hundreds of thousands of years to reverse the ecological damage that's happened, let alone set it running in the other direction.Isn't the Field of Shadows were the Zivon lives? Why would anything else live there?The Mountain of Slit Throats, ah yes. Clearly a place you want to hang around. Seriously, who names these places?Er, do you know how hard it is to orchestrate a cover-up? There will be rumours at the very least, and the existence of a black market points to the control of the junta being relatively weak.Gameplay: You're putting way too much detail into your factions. Decribe their general makeup and their goals, and let the players decide what they use. Don't give a starting location--they'd have to trek all the way from there to where the interaction is, and that isn't fair to them.Rules: Rules are rules.Other: Fending off shadows has a very Alan Wake-ish vibe to it. I like that.:w:

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#29 Offline Kilgore Trout

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Posted Mar 08 2012 - 02:29 PM

Review of Horde Out of Limbo

First off, H.P. Lovecraft and Bionicle? Lloyd, no one but you could even attempt that madness, let alone make it sound fun. The plot-line actually makes sense, and the origin of the Outer Hordes actually seems like something you would see in a peice of Bionicle media. The ability to pilot a Colossus is another amazing part of gameplay, which is sure to get players who normally wouldn't play something with Cthulhu play your RPG. Also, after seeing that you named the Outer Hordes's monsters "Leviathians", I was slightly dissapointed you didn't add a variety of Horde minions, (Behemoth, anyone?) which would allow the player to make a post such as this,

Tinikus and the other Toa struck the Behemoth, slaying the spiked beast, before leaping over it's corpse to attempt a elemental attack at an raging Medusian.

Instead of something like this;

Tinikus's Colossus walked towards one of the creatures, ready to engage in combat

Just a suggestion, though. All in all, this is quite the RPG.

Edited by Lord Darkon, Mar 08 2012 - 02:33 PM.

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#30 Offline I Am Ultron Six

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Posted Mar 08 2012 - 03:53 PM

The Island of Pain by The Dreadful Flying GloveStory: Honestly I don't see much fo a story here. Obvious there's the ongoing "escape the island" thing, but aside from outright taking a Toa of Metal and leaving, I don't really see a way.Gameplay: Gameplay-wise this seems like just a more engaging and focused version of the Hunger Games RPG, and you might not have wanted to be right below said RPG in the Submissions list. However, I'm seeing more PvP happening than anything else.Rules: Rules are rules.Other: Jontan=Gaara ripoff.

Dome's not made of metal, so a Toa of Iron isn't going to help. I'm ahead of you on that one :PI knew Jontan was a rip-off of someone, but hey, ToD's character, he can rip off whoever he wants

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I am Ultron Six, a cybernetic intelligence created by Doctor Henry Pym. My imperative is to bring peace and order to this world. I am about to fulfil that imperative; for the extinction of humanity…begins now.

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Soon the earth will no longer be habitable for any biological organism: Man, woman, child, plant, animal, fungus or bacterium. All life will cease to exist. This is not a threat, there is nothing you can do to stop it. The process has already begun. I receive no pleasure in this, it is simply the only solution. There must be peace and order, the end of life on earth will ensure that. Goodbye.


#31 Offline Rhaegar Targaryen

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Posted Mar 08 2012 - 05:59 PM

Thanks for pointing those out. I'll update it later.As for the names, I simply tried to make them as ominious as possible. And the faction form is a bit dated.Review #5RustBy Crogenitor EvexLayout: The RPG is simple and provides most details needed. Good.Story: A sinking Metru Nui full of creatures inspired by 50s B-movies. Excellent survival horror. Although, I can only wonder how thousands of Kraata managed to linger under the city for millenia.Profiles/Locations: Partially flooded, moss eaten Metru Nui. Not bad. Although, you could provide information on where survivor concentrations are.Misc: I personally think the RPG needs a faction creation sheet.Review #6Day Run: The GardenBy ParugiLayout: Dang, the mini-story intro and the size of the RPG give it an epic feel. Almost everything is covered, from a map to registration forms. I'm impressed.Story: The story is rather long and might confuse newcomers to the RPG (similar to what BZPRPG used to be, albeit on a shorter scale). And I assume it takes place before the Cataclysm?Profiles/Locations: Locations are fine. Although Gynel needs more decription, for those who didn't play Night Run.Misc: N/AReview #7The Hunger Games: Bionicle StyleBy Ace of SkullsLayout: You should seperate the story and locations. Everything else is fine.Story: Directly adapting a IRL story to Bionicle form is both odd and rare. The story is fine, although I wonder if there are other nations away from Panem.Profiles/Locations: Locations are fine. Profiles are N/A.Misc: The lack of custom elements, masks and species cuts down on player choice.
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#32 Offline Toa of Dancing

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Posted Mar 08 2012 - 07:14 PM

Also, after seeing that you named the Outer Hordes's monsters "Leviathians", I was slightly dissapointed you didn't add a variety of Horde minions, (Behemoth, anyone?) which would allow the player to make a post such as this,

Tinikus and the other Toa struck the Behemoth, slaying the spiked beast, before leaping over it's corpse to attempt a elemental attack at an raging Medusian.

Instead of something like this;

Tinikus's Colossus walked towards one of the creatures, ready to engage in combat

Just a suggestion, though.

Not to act as Lloyd, but from what I read I think we're supposed to spontaneous attempt to fathom these eldritch abominations evey time we meet them - no two are alike, and thus they can't be grouped.

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#33 Offline Lloyd: the White Wolf

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Posted Mar 08 2012 - 07:36 PM

ToD speaks the truth. The reason that I appended any names at all was to mark them as "Boss" and "Uber-boss.":w:
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#34 Offline Kilgore Trout

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Posted Mar 08 2012 - 07:50 PM

Ah, I thought that might be the reason. In that case, I really can't find anything wrong with your RPG.
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#35 Offline Pears Nivans

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Posted Mar 08 2012 - 07:59 PM

Review #6Day Run: The GardenBy ParugiLayout: Dang, the mini-story intro and the size of the RPG give it an epic feel. Almost everything is covered, from a map to registration forms. I'm impressed. Why thank you! :)Story: The story is rather long and might confuse newcomers to the RPG (similar to what BZPRPG used to be, albeit on a shorter scale). Yeah, that's something I've been told before. I think it should be fine for the most part, though; the current situation in-game is easy enough to understand, and I can personally fill people in on background that they're curious about -- as my players can tell you. =)And I assume it takes place before the Cataclysm? You are correct. Contrary to popular belief, the high tech level is just a divergence from the canon universe.Profiles/Locations: Locations are fine. Although Gynel needs more decription, for those who didn't play Night Run. Duly noted. Though chances are it won't become a common area for players -- the only reason it's mentioned is because of a Dark Hunter plot that was going on before the RPG stopped, and that was an exclusive mission. I'll still expand it, though.Misc: N/A

Thanks for the review; I'll get one up for your RPG by Saturday! ^_^

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#36 Offline Evex_Wolfwing

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Posted Mar 08 2012 - 09:11 PM

I recently realized that I had not finished the kraata Hives location description, so I just did that. Also rearranged some stuff. From here on out I'll just be tightening up the grammar.
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#37 Offline MjolnirInTheFridge

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Posted Mar 09 2012 - 03:28 PM

To all of you who reviewed the Hunger Games, I want to thank you all for your honest opinions. You've allowed me to see how much of a flop it would be. So, with permission, I've retracted the Hunger Games and entered a different one.
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#38 Online The Lorax

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Posted Mar 09 2012 - 06:37 PM

Destiny War:Now this RPG looks much more interesting and fun to play. The Oder vs the Makuta all over again, but on Mata Nui, with our beloved Matoran and their koros caught in the middle. There are a lot of variations on the 'Fighting makuta on Mata Nui' theme, but (to me at least) this one seems fresh and exciting. Much better than BIONICLE Hunger Games.At one point you said that there have been some changes to the locations. A bit more on these would be good. How have they changed? Are the villages like they were in MNOG, or has Makuta changed things? Are there still infected rahi roaming the island? These are important details that would help me to understand more about the world you have created.As for the elements and mask that are allowed, I can see you took advice and opened these up a lot. That's good, but you might have gone a little bit overboard. There are almost no masks that are restricted. Vahi, Ignika, Creation, Avohkii, Krahkan, Komau, Suletu and Olisi are the only ones I can think of. There are still some amazingly (over)powerful masks you have allowed that can be prone to god-modding. The Mohtrek creates and instant army, the Mask of Conjuring can do practically anything, etc. I'd take a look at some of these masks and ask yourself if you want them in your game with that much power.If Brotherhood and Order fortresses are impenetreable and their leaders are unkillable, how are we meant to fight this war? Sure, doing those things would be hard, but if players can't actually hurt the opposing faction, then what do they do? They could fight superficial battles against each other, but never make any real progress towards defeating their enemies. I would recommend you make it difficult to infiltrate the fortresses and kill a few characters who try, but don't outlaw it completely. Even Makuta can have weaknesses.This is a pretty good RPG you have there and I would probably play if it won, but a few changes would make it even better. Good luck in the contest. :)
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#39 Offline MjolnirInTheFridge

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Posted Mar 09 2012 - 07:29 PM

Destiny War:Now this RPG looks much more interesting and fun to play. The Oder vs the Makuta all over again, but on Mata Nui, with our beloved Matoran and their koros caught in the middle. There are a lot of variations on the 'Fighting makuta on Mata Nui' theme, but (to me at least) this one seems fresh and exciting. Much better than BIONICLE Hunger Games.At one point you said that there have been some changes to the locations. A bit more on these would be good. How have they changed? Are the villages like they were in MNOG, or has Makuta changed things? Are there still infected rahi roaming the island? These are important details that would help me to understand more about the world you have created.As for the elements and mask that are allowed, I can see you took advice and opened these up a lot. That's good, but you might have gone a little bit overboard. There are almost no masks that are restricted. Vahi, Ignika, Creation, Avohkii, Krahkan, Komau, Suletu and Olisi are the only ones I can think of. There are still some amazingly (over)powerful masks you have allowed that can be prone to god-modding. The Mohtrek creates and instant army, the Mask of Conjuring can do practically anything, etc. I'd take a look at some of these masks and ask yourself if you want them in your game with that much power.If Brotherhood and Order fortresses are impenetreable and their leaders are unkillable, how are we meant to fight this war? Sure, doing those things would be hard, but if players can't actually hurt the opposing faction, then what do they do? They could fight superficial battles against each other, but never make any real progress towards defeating their enemies. I would recommend you make it difficult to infiltrate the fortresses and kill a few characters who try, but don't outlaw it completely. Even Makuta can have weaknesses.This is a pretty good RPG you have there and I would probably play if it won, but a few changes would make it even better. Good luck in the contest. :)

Yay! Progress!Anyway, allow me to respond to your concerns. First of all, by altered locations, I simply meant that the map may be a little off in terms of labelled locations. Also, Mangaia is now a fortress inside the volcano, and the small islet at the northern tip is the Order HQ (Daxia Islet). The villages are still the same, and there are Rahi, but now that Makuta's got the Brotherhood on the island he doesn't need the infected Rahi any more.As for the Kanohi, thanks for pointing this out. I had meant to weed out the overpowered ones before I posted this, and I see that I totally forgot. I'll get right on that. :PFinally, the Order and Brotherhood fortresses. I've made this a rule because, since this is a war, I don't want everyone breaking into the fortresses and trying to assassinate the leaders. Honestly, that would make for the stupidest RPG ever. So instead, the fortresses serve as safe zones where PCs can go without worry of conflict. And Helryx and the Makuta (by this I mean Teridax, not all of the Makuta) should be very powerful and relatively un-killable by PCs. They're the leaders of the two most powerful Organizations in the universe. All we need are the Dark Hunters and the whole RPG would be all out war every second of every day...which sounds kind of fun. :P Maybe next time. Anyway, PCs can't just launch attacks on the two leaders and expect to get anywhere. So, for the purpose of story preservation the two leaders (and only the leaders) are un-killable for the time being. Any other canon characters are fair game, however, and will be controlled by myself and maybe others who I ask for help in running the RPG.

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#40 Offline Onarax

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Posted Mar 11 2012 - 02:56 AM

Well, time to do my own review. And today I've chosen 'Shama-Nui: fight for freedom'.My comments will be in navy blue.
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