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Ssc #9 Entry: I Will Return

ssc #9 short story short stories lotr lord of the rings

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12 replies to this topic

#1 Offline The Renegade Emperor

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Posted Mar 05 2012 - 08:54 AM

I will return

The traveler went alone in the desert. He and the landscape were one and the same, their colors being mixed.He went alone, while his friends were watching him walking him towards their old homes. Some of them cried, others sighed.All around the crowd, silence. Even the wind was quiet, even the wild beasts were still, even the dry sun soothed its cruel light.He went alone, while they all thought the same thing: how possibly could such a small figure be master of… everything?As they saw his yellow, dirty, scratched armor disappearing inside their old homes, a young female started singing.---On Bara Magna, there was a famous song. Only the eldest ones did remember their grandfathers’ memories about when it was first sung by those who believed the Great Cataclysm wouldn’t have been the end, but a new beginning. They were great warriors, simple carpenters or blacksmiths and poor people, all sharing the idea that there was still hope. They said “There’s always hope”.---Her voice was strong as a rock and, simultaneously, clear like pure water. While she sang, their homes rose above the clouds.On her shoulder, a little beetle snapped its jaws, saluting the only one who understood it.The song went on.All that is gold does not glitter,The old robotic body stood high in the sky, towering on the ground. It moved some unsure steps; it seemed to be falling in few minutes.Not all those who wander are lost;Surprisingly, the titan finally took control of itself. However, it still looked like its old structure couldn’t stand so much weight.The old that is strong does not wither,Deep roots are not reached by the frost.The giant passed this trial, too. It was surely old, but it had been made by skilled people, by those it wanted to meet.From the ashes a fire shall be woken,A sudden, hard rumble broke the silence. Both small and high people watched to the direction where it came from and all fell in doubt: another giant was coming. But this was bigger and stronger. And driven by Shadows themselves. When it landed, the mountains quaked and the seas stirred, the trees prepared carpets of leaves for the ruler of everything and the rivers moved out of their banks to meet and serve him.The two giants stood in silence, then they spoke. The small one talked about joyful things, about peace and harmony; the other told him about power and terror.At first, the words clashed. Then came the turn of the facts. The two bodies fought, the smaller beings ran away, scared. The young voice went on singing.A light from the shadows shall spring;Beams of energy crossed the air, pulverizing everything in their path, and smaller, yellow creatures attacked the undefended fugitives. Some brave warriors tried to stop them, but they fell under the superior power of the Enemy. Though, an help came from the enemy giant itself and a few powerful warriors helped the inhabitants. One was clad in a golden and red armor.Renewed shall be Blade that was Broken,A lucky strike of the Enemy split it, but the desperate strength of the few won against the arrogant of the many and the Golden Armor was once again united.A powerful ray came from it and went straight on to the yellow beasts, killing them and distracting the bigger giant. In moments, it was gone forever.The crownless again shall be king.The other stood for the last time and filled the reunited planet with life. Then, the robot form disintegrated into dust and the spirit of Mata Nui went back to the Ignika. Agori, Matoran, Glatorian, Toa, Turaga, Rahi: they were all free.Kiina stopped singing. A tear slipped down her face and fell on the grass grown on the sands.As the Great Spirit pronounced his last speech, he thought: “ I‘ve set out to save the universe, and it has been saved. But not for me. This is my gift for you, for all your efforts.”The sun went down, just to rise again on a new world.Lotr quotes:“All that is gold does not glitter,Not all those who wander are lost;The old that is strong does not wither,Deep roots are not reached by the frost.From the ashes a fire shall be woken,A light from the shadows shall spring;Renewed shall be Blade that was Broken,The crownless again shall be king.”- The Fellowship of the Ring, Book 1, Chapter 10 “Strider”“There is always hope.”- Aragorn to Haleth son of Hama, The Two Towers ( film ), scene before the battle at Helm’s Deep“We’ve set out to save the Shire, Sam, and it was saved. But not for me.”- Frodo to Sam, The Return of the King ( film ), The Grey Havens scene

Edited by The Renegade Emperor, Aug 12 2012 - 09:11 AM.

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#2 Offline L'Etranger

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Posted Mar 05 2012 - 05:21 PM

At first, I wasn't sure what was going on, but I soon understood. This short story describes the battle perfectly, yet it still seems like something from LoTR. Truly a masterpeice, and one of the best works i've seen so far.
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#3 Offline The Renegade Emperor

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Posted Mar 06 2012 - 08:17 AM

At first, I wasn't sure what was going on, but I soon understood. This short story describes the battle perfectly, yet it still seems like something from LoTR. Truly a masterpeice, and one of the best works i've seen so far.

Many, many heartfelt thanks, Darkon! I'm happy you liked this. About the thing you couldn't understand what was going on, well, it was my real objective, so it seems I've done it!

Edited by Emile A239, May 30 2012 - 11:21 AM.

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#4 Offline GSR

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Posted Mar 08 2012 - 12:10 PM

A very enjoyable piece; it's a nice little eloquent retelling of the last battle, and a good use of the LOTR song. It also shows what I've said before, that even a quite short short story can be quite strong.
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#5 Offline The Renegade Emperor

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Posted Mar 08 2012 - 01:59 PM

Thank you, GSR! It's nice to see your comment here. Seems like my efforts were truly worth it...

Edited by Emile A239, May 30 2012 - 11:21 AM.

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#6 Offline Toa Sonis

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Posted Mar 20 2012 - 09:08 PM

Nice! Love the song...it's one of my favorite poems from the Trilogy.
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I shall be saying this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by
and that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost, The Road Less Traveled

#7 Offline The Renegade Emperor

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Posted Mar 24 2012 - 10:55 AM

Hey, Sonis, sorry for answering so late, but I didn't recieve any notify about that. Howsoever, thanks. I'm glad you liked it and, btw, the song is one of my favourites too.

Edited by Emile A239, May 30 2012 - 11:21 AM.

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#8 Offline Despair

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Posted Apr 14 2012 - 03:01 PM

I may not be a part of the Critics Club, but I'd like to at least leave some feedback on this great entry.Overall, the story was terrific. You did an excellent job tying the quote and story together and crafting a piece that really utilizes the strengths of both respective parts.Now to put on my editor hat....There were a couple of sentences that were awkwardly worded, but this one in particular really stood out to me: "how possibly could such a small figure be master of… everything?"Now, there's nothing particularly wrong with it, but by moving around only one word you can easily make this bit so much better. Personally, I think that if "possibly" is moved so that it is behind "figure", the sentence flows a lot smoother.Next is this little bit: "it seemed to be falling in few minutes." I think I know what you were trying to say here, but the verb tense just makes it rather confusing. If you are trying to say that the robot will fall apart in only a few short minutes, say it... Pretty much how I just did. :PThose (very small) bits are probably the biggest problems in this story, since everything else I can find seems to just be simply typing mistakes which I don't really feel right pointing out (seeing as how I'm constantly making similar errors myself).Despite my criticism, this was a very good story (as I already said, but I feel the need to say it again). I can say with absolute honesty that I got chills while reading it, if that does anything to indicate how well you conveyed the emotions behind the song.I'm looking forward to your next story, but you might not really want me to read it at this point, huh? I seem to have that effect on most people... :lol:
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#9 Offline The Renegade Emperor

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Posted Apr 15 2012 - 07:04 AM

I may not be a part of the Critics Club, but I'd like to at least leave some feedback on this great entry.Overall, the story was terrific. You did an excellent job tying the quote and story together and crafting a piece that really utilizes the strengths of both respective parts.Now to put on my editor hat....There were a couple of sentences that were awkwardly worded, but this one in particular really stood out to me: "how possibly could such a small figure be master of… everything?"Now, there's nothing particularly wrong with it, but by moving around only one word you can easily make this bit so much better. Personally, I think that if "possibly" is moved so that it is behind "figure", the sentence flows a lot smoother.Next is this little bit: "it seemed to be falling in few minutes." I think I know what you were trying to say here, but the verb tense just makes it rather confusing. If you are trying to say that the robot will fall apart in only a few short minutes, say it... Pretty much how I just did. :PThose (very small) bits are probably the biggest problems in this story, since everything else I can find seems to just be simply typing mistakes which I don't really feel right pointing out (seeing as how I'm constantly making similar errors myself).Despite my criticism, this was a very good story (as I already said, but I feel the need to say it again). I can say with absolute honesty that I got chills while reading it, if that does anything to indicate how well you conveyed the emotions behind the song.I'm looking forward to your next story, but you might not really want me to read it at this point, huh? I seem to have that effect on most people... :lol:

You're very welcome for reviewing my story, Despair, and I'm just sorry I didn't read any of the other entries for SSC 9. Im' very happy you liked it, as this is my first time entering a contest, and you should check Team Curse if you wanna see something more of my writing. As for errors, thanks for noticing me about 'em, I'll correct those soon. However, they're not typing errors, the fact is my English isn't so good as I'd think.Feel free to read everything from me, Despair! And thank you so much for your review!

Edited by Emile A239, May 30 2012 - 11:21 AM.

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#10 Offline Athmos

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Posted Apr 16 2012 - 03:14 PM

Interesting take on the last battle on Bara Magna. The poem flowed very well with the story and I thought using Kiina as the singer was appropriate.
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WIP


#11 Offline The Renegade Emperor

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Posted Apr 17 2012 - 08:47 AM

Thank you, thebeggerpie!

Edited by Emile A239, May 30 2012 - 11:22 AM.

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#12 Offline Jedi Master J.

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Posted May 13 2012 - 03:10 PM

Short Story Critic, Jedi Master J., here reporting for duty, sir. As promised, I am here to give you my review. Before I started though, I want say I am sorry for not getting this to you sooner, especially considering you have technically been waiting about four weeks for review of this story. I am sorry about that, sir.But anyway, on to the review itself, I think you did a very good job making these Lord of the Rings quotes fit into the context of the finale to BIONICLE. What I mean by this is that quotes did not feel out of place or force into the story for the purposes of the contest. If had to say anything negative about this story, it is that there really is no character to it, which is mainly because this story comes off as being more of an artistic retake of the finale with the addition of the Lord of the Rings quotes. *shrugs* This is not to say it is bad though. It is, for the most part, pretty well written. I am just saying this because it really does not pull me in as a reader and make me want to invest myself in the story. Although I think part of the reason for that is simply because you were using a story that I was already familiar with (BIONICLE finale) and taking more artistic route of telling it. And well, there is nothing wrong with that, so really take these comments as if they were a gain of salt.Outside of that comment, I did find this little sentence that I stumble over trying to make sense of, while reading this out loud:He went alone, while his friends were watching him walking him towards their old homes. Some of them cried, others sighed.I am guessing that might of been typing mistake. Either that or I am just reading it wrong, which is possible since I am by no means an expert on the English language (Which is funny considering it is my native language and all.). Well, that's really all I have to say about this work. Once again, I am sorry about the lateness and thank you for being so patience. And lastly, I hope you like my review. If not, feel free to send me some criticizes by PM and I'll take your advice under advisement. Good day, sir. Posted Image"I'm a heartbreaker...My name...Charles."
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****

#13 Offline The Renegade Emperor

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Posted May 15 2012 - 07:44 AM

Short Story Critic, Jedi Master J., here reporting for duty, sir. As promised, I am here to give you my review. Before I started though, I want say I am sorry for not getting this to you sooner, especially considering you have technically been waiting about four weeks for review of this story. I am sorry about that, sir.But anyway, on to the review itself, I think you did a very good job making these Lord of the Rings quotes fit into the context of the finale to BIONICLE. What I mean by this is that quotes did not feel out of place or force into the story for the purposes of the contest. If had to say anything negative about this story, it is that there really is no character to it, which is mainly because this story comes off as being more of an artistic retake of the finale with the addition of the Lord of the Rings quotes. *shrugs* This is not to say it is bad though. It is, for the most part, pretty well written. I am just saying this because it really does not pull me in as a reader and make me want to invest myself in the story. Although I think part of the reason for that is simply because you were using a story that I was already familiar with (BIONICLE finale) and taking more artistic route of telling it. And well, there is nothing wrong with that, so really take these comments as if they were a gain of salt.Outside of that comment, I did find this little sentence that I stumble over trying to make sense of, while reading this out loud:He went alone, while his friends were watching him walking him towards their old homes. Some of them cried, others sighed.I am guessing that might of been typing mistake. Either that or I am just reading it wrong, which is possible since I am by no means an expert on the English language (Which is funny considering it is my native language and all.). Well, that's really all I have to say about this work. Once again, I am sorry about the lateness and thank you for being so patience. And lastly, I hope you like my review. If not, feel free to send me some criticizes by PM and I'll take your advice under advisement. Good day, sir. Posted Image"I'm a heartbreaker...My name...Charles."

I liked it very much and, whoops, I've never seen that one before. I'm off to correct the mistake, which, yes, is a typing error. Glad you liked it and many thanks for the efforts!

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