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Annus Mirabilis - Review Topic

The Year of the Miracle Review

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53 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Mar 08 2012 - 12:37 PM

This is the review topic for Annus Mirabilis: The Year of the Miracle. As per Epics rules, all discussion of the epic goes here, etc.CONTENTSI. Force MajeureII. Malum in SeIII. Cacoëthes ScribendiIV. Ignis FatuusV. Hic JacetVI. Fons et OrigoVII. Ultima ThuleVIII. Primus Inter ParesIX. Bête BlancheX. Feu de JoieXI. Mise-en-Scène

Edited by Sumiki, Oct 12 2012 - 05:34 PM.

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#2 Offline -Toa Lhikevikk-

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Posted Mar 08 2012 - 01:23 PM

I like it so far, the mystery of the plant growth is rather intriguing and I love your florid description of the flora.
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#3 Offline Brickeens

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Posted Mar 08 2012 - 05:19 PM

A very interesting start. I'm pretty intrigued as to why Qazror isn't very disturbed by the unnaturally fast plant growth.
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#4 Offline Paleo

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Posted Mar 08 2012 - 11:31 PM

Like Brickeens, I'm surprised that Qazror isn't set on edge by the plants. It could be a very real threat if they are being grown by a Skakdi with control of "The Green".Do you read the dictionary in your free time? I love the word choice in this!Can't wait for another chapter.
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#5 Offline fishers64

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Posted Mar 08 2012 - 11:53 PM

The title is very intriguing...When I saw the unnaturally growing plant life, the first thing that came to mind was Makuta. It seems like the plant life was bait, and a slight application of telepathy...It's a shame I can't come up with any great criticism for this. This is amazing. I look forward to reading more.
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#6 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Mar 19 2012 - 03:44 PM

I'm delighted that everyone here seems to enjoy the story so far. The second chapter has been posted after an unanticipated delay, due to an Internet connection issue.As far as your theories go, Paleo and fishers, they are interesting ... as far as their validity goes when it comes to the overarching story, I'm sad to say that you're both on the wrong track.
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#7 Offline Paleo

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Posted Mar 19 2012 - 05:09 PM

I see the connection to your previous short story. Pretty neat.Great names by the way. You should compile a list of all the ones that you don't use. Might be useful to someone else.How'd you come up with the idea of the shadow?
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#8 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Mar 19 2012 - 05:22 PM

I was wondering if anyone would spot the reference to All Our Sins Remembered. This chapter was originally going to be part of a prequel/sequel to that story, entitled In Thy Orisons, but I realized that the story of Puone fit nicely into the overall story I wanted to tell in this epic.I come up with names on the spot, and I actually have a bit of difficulty doing so. I don't come up with any leftover names to compile, nor do I even have a backlog of them.The shadow was an idea from a semi-abandoned story. I see it kind of as the equivalent of the fire being that Vakama fought in one of the books. It just sort of evolved from the idea of an embodied form of evil - other than that, I can't really say how or why I thought it up.
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#9 Offline Brickeens

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Posted Mar 19 2012 - 06:51 PM

The fact that this chapter tells the events before All Our Sins Remembered is awesome. And yeah, very well written. One thing that struck me though is that it seemed very irresponsible of Puone to abandon the village and run off like that before all the Matoran were evacuated, although I suppose she would understandably be very upset over the deaths of her comrades.
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#10 Offline -Toa Lhikevikk-

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Posted Mar 19 2012 - 07:10 PM

Great chapter, the shadow monster is incredibly creepy. One thing that annoys me, though -- if the shadow ate one of Tolak's hands, how does he still have both of them later in the chapter?
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#11 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Mar 19 2012 - 07:11 PM

Holy cheese, thanks for pointing that out. My proofreading didn't seem to catch that - I'll go ahead and edit it.
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#12 Offline Ballom

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Posted Mar 19 2012 - 07:37 PM

Glancing through some of the posts here, it seems this Epic references some of your other writings, which I haven't read before this. However, I was still fully able to enjoy these first two chapters regardless.Anyway, the first chapter was comparitively brief, but I enjoyed reading about the sudden blooming on Zakaz. It will be interesting to see how our protagonist can make use of this developing flora. As for the second chapter, I must say that this shadow seems like a pretty unique antagonist, given how it cannot be dealt with like a sentient villain would. Incidentally, it also reminded me just a bit of Princess Mononoke, and the blobby monster stuff in that.But yeah, good stuff so far, Sumiks. I'll try to keep track of this and keep reviewing.~B~

Edited by Ballom, Mar 19 2012 - 07:38 PM.

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#13 Offline fishers64

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Posted Mar 19 2012 - 10:28 PM

Good to see a new chapter. I am now forced to wonder how a miscellaneous shadow-being attacking a Matoran village has anything to do with an unusual floral bloom on Zakaz. I particularly like how you started with the shadow-being and ended with the Toa; the transition was effortlessly smooth. And I like the Toa of Ice's response to the thing - calculate an elaborate response - that seems to fit very well with the Ice motif of characters. However, I fail to understand why the Toa of Psionics would fail to run away once she saw that the shadow is unaffected by the electricity. Not enough reaction time?
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#14 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Mar 28 2012 - 11:26 AM

A new chapter has arrived. Once again, the setting has changed ...The Toa of Psionics wasn't going to run away because she still felt as if there was some way to defeat the shadow. It's the heroic thing to do, which is, in part, why the Toa of Lightning felt so much shame in running away, even though it was a borderline invincible monster.
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#15 Offline fishers64

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Posted Mar 28 2012 - 09:41 PM

A new chapter has arrived. Once again, the setting has changed ...The Toa of Psionics wasn't going to run away because she still felt as if there was some way to defeat the shadow. It's the heroic thing to do, which is, in part, why the Toa of Lightning felt so much shame in running away, even though it was a borderline invincible monster.

Hmm. Makes sense. Alas, quite the puzzle you have here. I think I see a connection, however. Bad things come out of the forest (chapters 2&3). A bad guy has laid claim to a forest (chapter 1). But the Matoran living in the forest were there for three years, not one. From the title, it could be inferred that the magic growth of plant life Quorzor experianced only lasted a year. Interesting...very interesting...

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#16 Offline The Iron Toa

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Posted Apr 02 2012 - 04:06 PM

Interesting start. Miraculous plant growth on Zakaz, a mysterious being made of shadow, and unnatural disasters on an island... I wonder how they could be connected.
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#17 Offline Paleo

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Posted Apr 14 2012 - 06:37 PM

Really liking the third chapter.The use of a diary to convey major events spread over a long period of time is amazing, and the conversational style of writing is great.However, you seem to be jumping around quite a bit…
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#18 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Apr 30 2012 - 08:56 PM

Another chapter is here. I apologize for how long this took; my original idea for this chapter went unused, so I had to introduce this subplot rather early.The opening chapters essentially kick-start the story and are essentially a slice of everything strange that has been going on in the universe. There will be interconnecting subplots and occasional short-story-like vignette chapters, but as far as individual plot lines go, they all have been introduced.(Or have they ... ?)

Edited by Sumiki, Apr 30 2012 - 08:59 PM.

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#19 Offline Paleo

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Posted May 03 2012 - 02:43 PM

Hey! You used your nickname in that! Your descriptive style is absolutely amazing, and the adversary is really interesting. Is it the same creature as the shadow Rahi? Or is this part of the odd occurrences in the universe?Also, could I get some sort of reference? I'll PM you a bio if it's okay.
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#20 Offline Brickeens

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Posted May 04 2012 - 06:28 PM

This chapter is my favorite. Seeing our characters together was great, and yeah, still very well written.
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#21 Offline Sumiki

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Posted May 15 2012 - 11:00 PM

New chapter - the last one for a while, as I'll be on a long trip and most likely will not have the time necessary for writing Annus Mirabilis.ANYWAYI've been focusing a little too much on the negative and/or chaotic things that are happening in the Matoran Universe, so here's a more ... upbeat one, I guess? Though it's short, I had a lot of fun writing it.
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#22 Offline Paleo

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Posted May 18 2012 - 06:52 PM

Well, while it was an amazingly good chapter, it seems somewhat unnecessary, unless it is able to somehow tie into the major plot that your keeping up. Truly amazing description in this new chapter, and the use of words such as "quasihemidemisemiquaver" add a neat level of intricacy to the story.Good work.
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#23 Offline Sumiki

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Posted May 18 2012 - 11:10 PM

None of these chapters are unnecessary - they all tie in somehow. :PYou'll be happy to know that I'll return to a previous plotline in the next chapter - however, as you probably know, I'm on a massive road trip at the moment. It might be a while.
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#24 Offline fishers64

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Posted May 20 2012 - 09:07 PM

Well...

On the other side of the street were a series of houses/shops, each of which looked at first to be the same, but on closer inspection were each different and unique.

"houses/shops"? That's a little unusual.

“What all did I miss?” Sumiki asked, walking slowly down the pier, the wood planks of the pier creaking faintly beneath his feet.Carraig hopped into the boat and leaned back against the mast. “Pack your bags, Sumiks. We’re going to Metru Nui.”

I particularly like this line - humor for the win. :)

De-Koro’s inhabitant were lined up, one by one, each passing by at a steady pace, each thinking silently their last thoughts about Tepri, each silently moseying back to their abodes to sleep for the night.

Should be: De-Koro’s inhabitants were lined up, one by one, each passing by at a steady pace, each thinking silently their last thoughts about Tepri, each silently moseying back to their abodes to sleep for the night.* * *I am stuck wondering how all these disparate plot threads stick together. There's enough hints at connections to tantalize me, but not enough to make any definite conclusions. You have done an excellent job cultivating mystery, and I eagerly await the next chapter. :)

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#25 Offline BioGio

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Posted May 29 2012 - 04:28 PM

So, I've put quite a bit of thought into this review, but it's only partially complete at the moment. I think that it's most helpful to give you the first part (of two or three) now: It concerns mechanics, style, and so on. This post talks almost exclusively about problems, but don't think that I don't like your Epic. Of course I do! Why else would I have written so much on it?My comments are here, along with the full text of the Epic. This document contains a few helpful tips that I ripped from a fan-fiction thread on an MLP image board. Everything SHOULD be SFBZP.In addition to those comments, I have a few general suggestions regarding voice and style:Passive voice: It should be cut down on. (Without hypocrisy: Cut down on it.) Yeah, I know passive voice is not necessarily a bad thing, but more than half the time, it is. And your Epic absolutely oozes passive voice at perhaps one example per paragraph on average. Passive voice has a purpose, but you don't seem to know it. Passive voice is, at its heart, pretentious.Gerunds: Don't use so many of them. See the document with assorted tips for an explanation of why they are bad.Dashes: See the the tip document.Negatives: Active writing prefers the positive over the negative. Instead of "he didn't like indecision," say "indecision made him squirm in apprehension" or "he detested indecision."Sentences: Make them shorter. It could just be my experience writing journalistic articles talking, but your sentences are clunky. Too often, they try to state three separate ideas and end up making them all unclear. A journalist's sentences are typically fifteen words long; yours should be longer but never over three lines long (and they too often are).Said bookisms: "Stop using said bookisms!" I shrieked without explaining their nature. You inquired what they were in a quizzical manner. "A said bookism," I went on to explicate helpfully, "is a verbose offence to good prose in which the author tries to avoid using the word 'said'. The term also refers to the use of adverbial phrases added on to dialogue tags.""Why is that an issue?" you inquired, confused and almost offended by constant recommendations."Well, it keeps the dialogue from standing on its own and often repeats what the dialogue should tell us," I said, stating that said bookism can repeat what the dialogue should tell us without the help of such a phrase. "You must make your dialogue clear without adding comments on the nature of the dialogue," I recommended with concern for your style of writing. "The only words that you really need are 'said,' 'shouted,' and 'asked' unless the situation really calls for something else."Non-committal statements: Perhaps, maybe, unless, rather, slightly, seem(s) to, kind of. This is a short list of the type of words that you should remove entirely from your writing unless uncertainty is absolutely vital. Your purpose is to supply us with the reality of your creation. Thus, saying "depending on your point of view" is basically the same as saying "I don't know what to think." It's the mark of an ineffectual writer.Failure to end: The vast majority of your statements--especially in narration--should end. They should not trail off or stop mid-word. This is acceptable once or twice per chapter, but don't make a habit of it.Anglo-Saxon: Do not use too many lengthy, latinate words ESPECIALLY when good old Germanic ones will work. Anglo-Saxon is vigorous: All the fun curse words derive from it. Furthermore, pay close attention to both literal denotation and the connotation of the words that you use. Too often, I feel like you write with a thesaurus next to you. Remember: Elevated language serves only the author--not the story. It's like going to twelve significant figures after multiplication of two numbers with only three; it says, "I have fancy words and can be so very precise with them." Be accurate--not precise. Always avoid pretentiousness.Similarly, never use jargon. A term like "brain waves" belongs in your doctoral thesis on neurology, not a fantasy story.Books: Read The Elements of Style by Strunk and White. Try also How NOT to Write a Novel.~ BioGioEDIT: This is a bit off-topic, but "*Thy Orisons" is ungrammatical. It should be "Thine Orisons," as "thy" and "my" work as "a" does before a word beginning in a vowel (or H).

Edited by BioGio, May 30 2012 - 10:11 AM.

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#26 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Jun 07 2012 - 11:38 PM

Hoo boy, Bio. You seem rather ruthless. :P I kid, naturally; constructive criticism is the only way to get better. I'll see if I can't respond to most of the points.

Passive voice: It should be cut down on. (Without hypocrisy: Cut down on it.) Yeah, I know passive voice is not necessarily a bad thing, but more than half the time, it is. And your Epic absolutely oozes passive voice at perhaps one example per paragraph on average. Passive voice has a purpose, but you don't seem to know it. Passive voice is, at its heart, pretentious.

I don't quite understand how it is pretentious. I know I use it, but I guess I'm not seeing it as much as you are.

Dashes: See the the tip document.

You'll be happy to know that I used the recent 12-theme SS/COT write-off in part to cut down on my use of dashes.

Sentences: Make them shorter. It could just be my experience writing journalistic articles talking, but your sentences are clunky. Too often, they try to state three separate ideas and end up making them all unclear. A journalist's sentences are typically fifteen words long; yours should be longer but never over three lines long (and they too often are).

I just kind of write like that, and anyone who has known me for a while will tell you that, if I get on a roll, I talk like it as well. :P

Said bookisms: "You must make your dialogue clear without adding comments on the nature of the dialogue," I recommended with concern for your style of writing. "The only words that you really need are 'said,' 'shouted,' and 'asked' unless the situation really calls for something else."

Duly noted.

Non-committal statements: Perhaps, maybe, unless, rather, slightly, seem(s) to, kind of. This is a short list of the type of words that you should remove entirely from your writing unless uncertainty is absolutely vital. Your purpose is to supply us with the reality of your creation. Thus, saying "depending on your point of view" is basically the same as saying "I don't know what to think." It's the mark of an ineffectual writer.

I usually wouldn't do that, but the nature of the epic, as it progresses and develops, makes the details in which I do this kind of necessary to set the tone. I can see how you wouldn't care for them, however, and I'll try to cut down on my use of them. In a lot of cases, uncertainty is necessary, as the entire plot is "the universe is totally messed up."

Anglo-Saxon: Do not use too many lengthy, latinate words ESPECIALLY when good old Germanic ones will work. Anglo-Saxon is vigorous: All the fun curse words derive from it. Furthermore, pay close attention to both literal denotation and the connotation of the words that you use. Too often, I feel like you write with a thesaurus next to you. Remember: Elevated language serves only the author--not the story. It's like going to twelve significant figures after multiplication of two numbers with only three; it says, "I have fancy words and can be so very precise with them." Be accurate--not precise. Always avoid pretentiousness.

As a person who really doesn't know much about etymology, I have very little clue as to what latinate words even are, much less how to cut down on their use. :PAlso, I do indeed write with a thesaurus next to me, but I haven't opened it too often. Again, I don't really see how they're pretentious - would you mind clarifying these two points?

Similarly, never use jargon. A term like "brain waves" belongs in your doctoral thesis on neurology, not a fantasy story.

Brain waves isn't exactly a technical term. Don't tell me you've never heard of having a brain wave on something. :P
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#27 Offline BioGio

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Posted Jun 08 2012 - 01:46 PM

Thanks for taking the time out of your road trip to respond to that chunk of text I gave you. When I PM'd you, I had imagined that you would just give me some quick recognition and a few questions, not an assignment to explain etymology! :lol:It's good to know that I've retained my ruthless editing style after nearly a month without practicing it. :PResponses and explanations are in boldface, black, Georgia font.

I don't quite understand how it is pretentious. I know I use it, but I guess I'm not seeing it as much as you are.Passive voice is typically associated with scientific documents and the like, so it sounds as though you're trying to elevate your diction to the level of a scholarly journal. There's also the matter that it can draw attention to the object unnecessarily, as in "the game was attended by me," which makes the seem a lot more important, since your sentence structure differs from the ordinary "I attended the game." (Obviously, you don't directly call attention to yourself in a novel, but overuse of the passive voice--in such a way that it throws the reader off--invariably calls attention to the narrative.) Probably the oddest thing is that I see the passive voice very unevenly. The average is once for every paragraph or two, since you occasionally will have a paragraph with around three instances of passive voice. Instances that are truly problematic are rarer: probably about six or eight per page.-----------You'll be happy to know that I used the recent 12-theme SS/COT write-off in part to cut down on my use of dashes.Yay! Remember my formatting recommendation, though. To use a dash ("em dash"), either insert it as a symbol or write "blah--blah" (so Word can automatically correct the double-hyphen) instead of your current blah -- blah.-----------I just kind of write like that, and anyone who has known me for a while will tell you that, if I get on a roll, I talk like it as well.It's not necessarily a problem. One of my closes friends write monster (i.e., two-or-three-line) sentences, but they are rarely problematic, since he stays on one topic at a time. A few of your sentences relate a series of events, linked by commas and coordinating conjuctions, so they often end up a mess. Every once in a while, you start with one topic, move through the rest of the sentence, pointing out a series of events, and then you end up on a completely different turtle. I made sure to highlight egregious cases in the document: See comments 11 and 20 for two of the worst cases. I tried to make that tip very general, so try to read through all of my notes to best see what I’m ultimately getting at.-----------I usually wouldn't do that, but the nature of the epic, as it progresses and develops, makes the details in which I do this kind of necessary to set the tone. I can see how you wouldn't care for them, however, and I'll try to cut down on my use of them. In a lot of cases, uncertainty is necessary, as the entire plot is "the universe is totally messed up."Sure, you’ve used the third-person limited point of view effectively for the most part, and I willingly excuse all use of uncertainty in that one first person chapter. I go crazy when you, as a briefly omniscient narrator, say something like “masochistic, or sadistic, depending on your point of view.” If you get too wishy-washy—especially on something minor—it just infuriates the reader.-----------As a person who really doesn't know much about etymology, I have very little clue as to what latinate words even are, much less how to cut down on their use.Also, I do indeed write with a thesaurus next to me, but I haven't opened it too often. Again, I don't really see how they're pretentious - would you mind clarifying these two points?Latinate words derive from Latin, as the name implies: And with a title like Annus Mirabilis, I’d have thought you knew a good deal of Latin. Here is a list of basically every source of Latinate words you’ll come across. Here is a list of their Germanic equivalents. And here is a document about the Norman invasion and Latin vocabulary, ripped from unmentionable websites. Use these tools wisely. The easiest way to tell that you’re using a word that derives from Latin is to check for root words and affixes. Roots like re-, pre-, en-, -tious, cap, civ-, and –ist are dead giveaways.Now, the most obvious issue with thesaurus-writing is that it can prevent straightforward writing. You have cases where you misuse multisyllabic words, such as “contemptuously” (comment 32), and some where you use “fervent” and its derivatives a bit too much (comment 56). When one hopes for everything with fervent zeal, one compares something actually deserving of such yearning to the hope that a soufflé will rise properly.There are also sentences that are most like exercises in contrast between low- and high-level vocabulary: Take the sentence that mentions how a “whoosh emanated from the vicinage” (comment 62). There’s a pretty clear problem when you have two Latinate words and one that derives from simple onomatopoeia. You can be inconsistent in general, too. There are paragraphs with both “get back” and “ascertain.”Sometimes, you seem to use greater vocabulary for its own sake. Any said bookism commits this sin by nature.Occasionally, you’ll just plain get the word’s meaning wrong. For instance, a visage is an expression, so a quizzical look can’t be over one—it is a visage (comment 110).These are just symptoms of the problem of pretension. Is there any reason to say that a Toa tried to “stimulate his cogitations” instead of “fuel thought” or something similar? No. Such word choice draws attention to the narration and your great vocabulary. For proof, see most of Paleo’s comments. You may not want to call attention to yourself, but you ultimately do.Such lofty writing can be precise, but one expects it from a prestigious source like legal proceedings. (In fact, Latinate words typically entered English from religious, legal, and academic texts as a direct product of the Norman Conquest.) And anyway, you should be accurate more often than you are precise. Choose the most direct word.-----------Brain waves isn't exactly a technical term. Don't tell me you've never heard of having a brain wave on something.While that’s not the best example, I hope you get what I mean: “Brain wave,” while now a colloquial expression, derives from science. You also didn’t use it in the colloquial sense of “I had a neat brain wave the other day, man”; you used it as a simple synonym for “thought.” The source was: “this novel thought, this brain wave.” (Much like other portions of your writing, this use of restatement by a synonym, a similar word, is redundant.)“Rejoining the visible light spectrum again” would have been a better example. You could have just said “became visible again” but apparently chose to flaunt your knowledge of basic physics. (That phrasing is also bad because “rejoining again” is basically the definition of redundant.)

I plan on linking you two a document including my criticisms involving plot and characterization, which should be up tomorrow. (This time, I'll just edit this post.)~ BioGio

Edited by BioGio, Jun 08 2012 - 01:48 PM.

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#28 Offline Ballom

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Posted Jun 08 2012 - 04:55 PM

Well, I'm back again after almost three months of not checking this topic. Sorry about that, as I had intended to continue following this, but various items of school and real life largely impeded.Anyway, to reviewing! My remarks will be mostly confined to the actual plot, given that BioGio appears to have fully addressed any notes on style I may have referred to. In fact, his comments were really helpful for me to read as well.But, to talk about the plot. It's generally starting to be more coherent, in my mind, given that the main occurrence appears to be the appearance of various manifestations of elements, with fire, nature and shadow thus far. Again, I'm very interested to see the further ways these threads will connect, and what force may be causing or controlling these elements, as I really enjoy the overall mystery of it. The overall panorama of characters is also quite remarkable, with the various groups of Toa and Matoran all interesting to see, with how they interact with their threats, how their lives are described, etc. Speaking of which, I'm also curious to see how the resurrection of Tepri will be explained as well.Overall, again, a very intriguing read, Sumiki. I look forward to more. :)~B~
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#29 Offline BioGio

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Posted Jun 09 2012 - 05:53 PM

Plot and characterization here. In brief: There are issues, but I still like this--probably more than I should. I'd actually really like to hear a lot about your writing/planning method.Final comment: The title is a bit inaccurate. It means Miraculous Year currently--not The Year of the Miracle. That would be Miraculi Annus (lit. Miracle's Year).~ BioGio
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#30 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Jun 09 2012 - 08:21 PM

The subtitle is not a direct translation of the title.EDIT: I cannot seem to find your review regarding the plot and characterization. It tells me that it has been deleted. I didn't have the necessary time to look over it in detail when you posted it, since I was on the last stretch of a four-week-long road trip at the time. Now I do ... and it's apparently been deleted. :PFrom what I gathered from the brief skimming that I was able to do, I got the feeling that you were concerned with the disconnectedness of the plot. The first five chapters were planned out this way, and the rest of the epic will tie these threads together. It doesn't look like much now, but bear with me, please. We haven't gotten to the good stuff yet.

Edited by Sumiki, Jun 12 2012 - 09:34 PM.

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#31 Offline Paleo

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Posted Aug 10 2012 - 06:03 PM

You continue to amaze. The dialogue in this is perfect, and I love the line "never, ever go left". As well as the quip about the Ministry of Tourism. Also, you'd better have the next chapter up soon, because I really need to know what happens :P
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#32 Offline Brickeens

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Posted Aug 15 2012 - 05:02 PM

Fons et Origo is easily my favorite chapter so far. I really enjoy seeing our trio in action. What a shame Carraig had to leave that purple entity after catching it.
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#33 Offline Ballom

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Posted Aug 18 2012 - 12:51 AM

Another interesting chapter, although I think the sections of the Toa running through various building sections sounded a little rushed and repetitive. Maybe tone down the numerous mentions of crashing through doorways, as that seemed to happen every few lines for a short period.Other than that, it was interesting to see how the Toa converged on the flame entity at the playing field, as well as the ambiguous ending of the chapter, although a few of the events seemed a little bit contrived. For example, why would Vahki choose to go only after Toa moving onto the field when a Matoran was clearly just killed in their view? Also, given how good these elemental entities have been at escaping prisons, the group seemed to accept that the flame was trapped rather too easily and unconditionally.However, still an enjoyable chapter. I look forward to reading about what odd dimension our heroes appear to have stumbled into.~B~

Edited by Ballom, Aug 18 2012 - 12:52 AM.

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#34 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Aug 30 2012 - 12:22 PM

To be perfectly honest, I kind of hated the way Fons et Origo went ... I felt it rushed as well, but I'd been tinkering with it for so long.I can see how you thought the flame was trapped pretty easily, but keep in mind that it's small andwas completely still, something that other elemental entities haven't been throughout the story. Thus, more easily trappable.On a related note, a new chapter has been posted.
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#35 Offline Paleo

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Posted Aug 30 2012 - 05:30 PM

I like it (especially the puns), and I think I get the idea now (the one we PMed about).However, I feel like the story is a bit rushed at this point. A bit less traveling would be welcome.Also, when is my character coming in?
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#36 Offline Ballom

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Posted Sep 01 2012 - 05:36 PM

Well, this chapter didn't really reveal particularly much. I agree a bit with Paleo; it seems that the epic is a bit rushed as the characters all run around, with little advancement in terms of the mysterious forces present, which strike me as being a main part of it. Personally, I enjoyed the chapters about those events more than I enjoy the chapters on the Toa, and I would think some more development on what is causing/controlling the elemental forces would be appreciated. The Toa aren't terribly exciting, and though the sections with them are still well-written, the last few chapters with them seemed a shade repetitive.Also, I was confused how a Kranua arrived in the area if no Toa or other beings had ever been there. Was it meant to have gone through the portal with the Toa?~B~
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#37 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Sep 03 2012 - 10:39 PM

Another chapter has been posted. Hopefully this clears up some confusion that has arisen in the past few chapters, and throws in a new plot point that (hopefully) will alleviate any repetitiveness.Also, I have been looking forward to writing the wham line that is contained in this chapter for a long time now.

Edited by Charles J. Guiteau, Sep 03 2012 - 10:42 PM.

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#38 Offline Paleo

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Posted Sep 04 2012 - 06:56 PM

OOOOH! I love the plot. I'll PM you my new theory on it. I'm also digging my character, even though he hasn't even been introduced yet. Great job slowing the story down a bit, as well as finally giving it some coherence. Now I REALLY need to read the next chapter :PKeep up the amazing story.
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#39 Offline fishers64

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Posted Sep 30 2012 - 02:07 AM

Lame resolution to that transportation to somewhere else thing. That particular plot device has been badly overused. And the reveal that they were on Artidax came too early IMO, robbing the reader of mystery.Like the mysterious villain though.
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#40 Offline Sumiki

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Posted Oct 09 2012 - 05:34 PM

One month and ten PMs from Paleo later, I've posted chapter nine. The story slows down, and we get some character development on the newcomer.
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