Jump to content

  • Log in with Facebook Log in with Twitter Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

Welcome to BZPower!

Hi there, while we hope you enjoy browsing through the site, there's a lot more you can do if you register. The process is easy and you can use your Google, Facebook, or Twitter account to make it even faster. Some perks of joining include:
  • Create your own topics, participate in existing discussions, and vote in polls
  • Show off your creations, stories, art, music, and movies and play member and staff-run games
  • Enter contests to win free LEGO sets and other prizes, and vote to decide the winners
  • Participate in raffles, including exclusive raffles for new members, and win free LEGO sets
  • Send private messages to other members
  • Organize with other members to attend or send your MOCs to LEGO fan events all over the world
  • Much, much more!
Enjoy your visit!


Photo

Corrupt Destiny: Vakama

vahi vakama corrupt destiny

  • Please log in to reply
14 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Haecceity

Haecceity
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Members
  • Seeker

  • 287 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 09 2012 - 04:19 PM

Posted Image(Constructive criticism greatly appreciated)Entry One: My name is Vakama- I’m a Ta-Matoran mask-maker. Recently, Turaga Dume himself has tasked me with making a mask like no other-the Vahi, Mask of Time. Here I shall record my progress and methods that proved useful for completion. Failed trials will also be marked.FAILEDFAILEDFAILEDEntry Two: Used Ga-Metru teleport disk: power level 7 Used Ko-Metru regenerate disk: power level 8 Used Ta-Metru teleport disk: power level 6Notes: Not enough power, and the sequence is offFAILEDFAILEDFAILEDFAILEDFAILEDEntry Three: Used Ta-Metru enlarge disk: power level 8 Used Ga-Metru regenerate disk: power level 7 Used Po-Metru weaken disk: power level 8 Used Ko-Metru freeze disk: power level 7 Used Le-Metru teleport disk: power level 8 Used Onu-Metru reconstitute disk: power level 8Notes: The types are right, it seems-but they are too weak. Turaga Dume is getting impatient- I must keep working!FAILEDFAILEDFAILEDNotes: Today I heard a strange voice-but when I looked around, there was nobody there. I need to take it easy for a bit-the stress is getting to me.FAILEDEntry Four: I heard the voice again today-it is becoming clearer. If only I knew what it meant…FAILEDFAILEDFAILEDEntry Five: Today the city was attacked-yet Toa Lhikan could not save us all. I had always believed in the Toa-yet now I see them as the weaklings they are. No matter-the voice tells me that Lhikan will be of some use still…FAILEDEntry Six: I have learned that the only way to create the Vahi is through forging together the Great Disks. It shall be easy to convince that weak-minded Toa to retrieve them for me.Entry Seven: Lhikan has finally gathered the disks! Now I can start my masterwork…Note: The voice is getting fainter…Entry Eight: I have worked tirelessly on this mask… yet the voice seems to be dying…Entry Nine: Today I finished the Vahi. As I was about to put it on, the golden mask glowed-and rusted to a bright orange. Furious, I threw the mask on the floor, only to find a Toa-like figure watching me with piercing green eyes. The maskless Toa’s golden armor shimmered and slowly rusted as it placed the Vahi upon its face. Then, he spoke. “I have seen into your being, Vakama, and what you seek shall be forged through the hearts of many and through the sacrifice of oneself. Take care that your path does not stray.” As I stood there gaping, the figure collapsed upon itself, leaving behind a single disk etched with a carving of the most beautiful mask I had ever seen.Entry Ten: After pondering it for a while, I now know what I must do. I shall create the Mask of Being whatever the cost…Entry Eleven: I obtained my first heartstone today. All it took was some patience and a long knife. As I ground it up and placed it on the mask I shaped from the disk, it was absorbed. The mask is becoming stronger, but it needs more power…CONFIRMED KILLCONFIRMED KILLESCAPEESCAPEE KILLEDCONFIRMED KILLCONFIRMED KILLCONFIRMED KILLEntry Twelve: One of my victims escaped and notified the Turaga… but I got him in the end. Now all the mask needs is a sacrifice from myself. I shall remove my foot-I can always replace that.Entry Thirteen: THEY’RE COMING! I have to escape-I can’t let them get this mask-I can't... Note from Toa Lhikan:At the urging of the stars, I sought out Vakama, only to find him huddled in the deepest part of the archives with this book. It seems to be the ravings of a lunatic-and I have my doubts about giving Vakama a Toa Stone in light of this disturbing revelation. I can confirm that I retrieved the Great Disks for Vakama, and that many Matoran have been found with mangled chests… but I cannot believe Vakama would do such things. I must watch this one…

Edited by Temporphilic, Jun 04 2012 - 09:02 AM.

  • 0

9181001334_fd8cffbeed_o.jpg

Vile terror, fearless blight
Haunting ghast, piercing light
Glow or shine or radiate
Sparkle, creep, reveal to sight
Human eyes so weak
To see and then to seek
Meaning for their rights
 

#2 Offline Collector1

Collector1
  • Members
  • Seeker

  • 279 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 09 2012 - 05:09 PM

I don't get it.
  • 0

#3 Offline Takanuinuva

Takanuinuva
  • Members
  • Makuta Conquered!

  • 582 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 09 2012 - 06:08 PM

I think this belongs in the short stories forum. There is no artwork here. Though the story is goodEditWhoops my bad. I didn't see that this was in short stories. I thought I was in the artwork forumAnyways. Interesting story. Hope to see more of this

Edited by takanuinuva, Mar 09 2012 - 06:12 PM.

  • 0

:smiletol: I am Takanui Nuva. The Toa Nuva of Light :smiletol:
11.gifI also go by Baron Von Brickstein 11.gif

Even when things look there worst. And the shadow of evil is upon us. Remember that as long as we hope for the best. Light will appear and overcome the darkness.

Please check out my projects on Lego Ideas.9.gif
https://ideas.lego.c...kstein/projects

I'm looking for an Inkay or Malamar with its event move Happy Hour. Pm if you have one I can borrow to breed and pass the move down so I can have an Inkay with the move for myself.


#4 Offline Jowm

Jowm
  • Members
  • Toa

  • 102 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 09 2012 - 06:16 PM

Hmmm, very interesting to say the least, I am not entire sure what to say, though my mind returns to me from the world you have related even as I type, and as such I will have things to say in a mere moment. I very much like this story, I have a question though, is this story supposed to have happened within the main universe, or within, say, an alternate dimension or somehting of some kind? Anyway, as for the way it's written, I think it's good, I didn't find any spelling mistakes or grammar mistakes or the like. The whole thing was quite interesting, a very twisted story that was a nice , new, unique idea that I enjoyed. It would be interesting to know what would have happened had he succeeded in creating the mask of being, I would like to see an alternate story where he succeeds, but it is your choice. Overall, it was good and I enjoyed it.
  • 0
http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=5700 - My new epic revealing the life of the interesting character we all wish we could have known better before he left us, Karzahni.

Hey everybody! I'm working on getting a Bionicle podcast set up, it's almost ready to go, and I have one or two regular positions open for anyone with Bionicle knowledge who would like to join! Or if you would perfer not to be a regular, you can guest star as well. We will also be reading and critiquing short stories and possibly epics on the podcast, so if you'd like yours read let me know and I'll look it over and we may review it! For details and any questions you may have, just send me a PM.


To all image makers! I am in need of a logo for a podcast that I am going to get up and running pretty soon, and one of the final things I need is a logo for the podcast! If anyone would be interested in making me a good quality image, just message me, I would greatly appreciate it!

#5 Offline Haecceity

Haecceity
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Members
  • Seeker

  • 287 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 09 2012 - 08:49 PM

I don't get it.

Yeah, it's sorta complicated... try rereading.

Hmmm, very interesting to say the least, I am not entire sure what to say, though my mind returns to me from the world you have related even as I type, and as such I will have things to say in a mere moment. I very much like this story, I have a question though, is this story supposed to have happened within the main universe, or within, say, an alternate dimension or somehting of some kind? Anyway, as for the way it's written, I think it's good, I didn't find any spelling mistakes or grammar mistakes or the like. The whole thing was quite interesting, a very twisted story that was a nice , new, unique idea that I enjoyed. It would be interesting to know what would have happened had he succeeded in creating the mask of being, I would like to see an alternate story where he succeeds, but it is your choice. Overall, it was good and I enjoyed it.

I intended on making this set in an alternate dimension created by the Great Beings for the MU. The "toa-like" figure is actually a entity created as a failsafe, but it developed a personality. About the twisted thing...err...Let's just say I have a very warped view of things. I might restart my epic (with less confusion this time) and add to the story-but I might not. IDK at the moment.

  • 0

9181001334_fd8cffbeed_o.jpg

Vile terror, fearless blight
Haunting ghast, piercing light
Glow or shine or radiate
Sparkle, creep, reveal to sight
Human eyes so weak
To see and then to seek
Meaning for their rights
 

#6 Offline Toatapio Nuva

Toatapio Nuva
  • Members
  • Master of Disintegration Unchained

  • 5,381 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 10 2012 - 05:45 AM

Nice. I see this as a story depicting a reality where Vakama becomes insane of his efforts to create the Vahi... or something. I'm not sure if I'm correct, but I'm imagining many parts of this to be visions or illusions Vakama receives due to his... glitch. This story portraits Vakama as a sick person and does not cover his problem, unlike the original Bionicle story that makes Vakama special and important because of his peculiarity.
  • 0

What I think everytime I see this promo picture

pohatu_is_a_wuss.gif

My BZPRPG profiles - Kirgan, Viima, Jarkale, Tuli, Hile, Lai LaiSurina, Khervos, Teede


#7 Offline Haecceity

Haecceity
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Members
  • Seeker

  • 287 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 10 2012 - 10:45 PM

Nice. I see this as a story depicting a reality where Vakama becomes insane of his efforts to create the Vahi... or something. I'm not sure if I'm correct, but I'm imagining many parts of this to be visions or illusions Vakama receives due to his... glitch. This story portraits Vakama as a sick person and does not cover his problem, unlike the original Bionicle story that makes Vakama special and important because of his peculiarity.

You are correct. Actually, this came to me while I was rereading the Metru Nui era books and found that quote about Vakama "spending too much time in front of his forge." I sorta combined that with the visions he receives to create a delusional version of Vakama.

  • 0

9181001334_fd8cffbeed_o.jpg

Vile terror, fearless blight
Haunting ghast, piercing light
Glow or shine or radiate
Sparkle, creep, reveal to sight
Human eyes so weak
To see and then to seek
Meaning for their rights
 

#8 Offline Jowm

Jowm
  • Members
  • Toa

  • 102 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 11 2012 - 04:22 PM

I don't get it.

Yeah, it's sorta complicated... try rereading.

Hmmm, very interesting to say the least, I am not entire sure what to say, though my mind returns to me from the world you have related even as I type, and as such I will have things to say in a mere moment. I very much like this story, I have a question though, is this story supposed to have happened within the main universe, or within, say, an alternate dimension or somehting of some kind? Anyway, as for the way it's written, I think it's good, I didn't find any spelling mistakes or grammar mistakes or the like. The whole thing was quite interesting, a very twisted story that was a nice , new, unique idea that I enjoyed. It would be interesting to know what would have happened had he succeeded in creating the mask of being, I would like to see an alternate story where he succeeds, but it is your choice. Overall, it was good and I enjoyed it.

I intended on making this set in an alternate dimension created by the Great Beings for the MU. The "toa-like" figure is actually a entity created as a failsafe, but it developed a personality. About the twisted thing...err...Let's just say I have a very warped view of things. I might restart my epic (with less confusion this time) and add to the story-but I might not. IDK at the moment.

Well I very much like it, and is it intended to be symbolism? Because if it is you did a great job, and if it isn't, well I guess you still did a great job, even if by accident. The whole story is like symbolism, and I really like that, if it's not intended to be then I'll say how it is, but if it is intended to be then I'll let people read to find out how, but it works really well as symbolism.

  • 0
http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=5700 - My new epic revealing the life of the interesting character we all wish we could have known better before he left us, Karzahni.

Hey everybody! I'm working on getting a Bionicle podcast set up, it's almost ready to go, and I have one or two regular positions open for anyone with Bionicle knowledge who would like to join! Or if you would perfer not to be a regular, you can guest star as well. We will also be reading and critiquing short stories and possibly epics on the podcast, so if you'd like yours read let me know and I'll look it over and we may review it! For details and any questions you may have, just send me a PM.


To all image makers! I am in need of a logo for a podcast that I am going to get up and running pretty soon, and one of the final things I need is a logo for the podcast! If anyone would be interested in making me a good quality image, just message me, I would greatly appreciate it!

#9 Offline Haecceity

Haecceity
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Members
  • Seeker

  • 287 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 12 2012 - 02:33 PM

I don't get it.

Yeah, it's sorta complicated... try rereading.

Hmmm, very interesting to say the least, I am not entire sure what to say, though my mind returns to me from the world you have related even as I type, and as such I will have things to say in a mere moment. I very much like this story, I have a question though, is this story supposed to have happened within the main universe, or within, say, an alternate dimension or somehting of some kind? Anyway, as for the way it's written, I think it's good, I didn't find any spelling mistakes or grammar mistakes or the like. The whole thing was quite interesting, a very twisted story that was a nice , new, unique idea that I enjoyed. It would be interesting to know what would have happened had he succeeded in creating the mask of being, I would like to see an alternate story where he succeeds, but it is your choice. Overall, it was good and I enjoyed it.

I intended on making this set in an alternate dimension created by the Great Beings for the MU. The "toa-like" figure is actually a entity created as a failsafe, but it developed a personality. About the twisted thing...err...Let's just say I have a very warped view of things. I might restart my epic (with less confusion this time) and add to the story-but I might not. IDK at the moment.

Well I very much like it, and is it intended to be symbolism? Because if it is you did a great job, and if it isn't, well I guess you still did a great job, even if by accident. The whole story is like symbolism, and I really like that, if it's not intended to be then I'll say how it is, but if it is intended to be then I'll let people read to find out how, but it works really well as symbolism.

Actually, I never thought of it as symbolism... In what way do you mean?

  • 0

9181001334_fd8cffbeed_o.jpg

Vile terror, fearless blight
Haunting ghast, piercing light
Glow or shine or radiate
Sparkle, creep, reveal to sight
Human eyes so weak
To see and then to seek
Meaning for their rights
 

#10 Offline Jowm

Jowm
  • Members
  • Toa

  • 102 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 15 2012 - 01:26 PM

Well, being a christian, I was thinking of a more christian interpretation, but I know that alot of people here aren't so I'll give an interpretation more generically understood. It's like a person who has noble intentions and begins an endeavor to try to accomplish something great, but during his time working on the project becomes more enthronged in his project than the noble beliefs and causes that formerly dominated his mind. The obsessive nature of his love for his project has consumed him, and he now lays aside his former strong mental nobility in the interest of accomplishing the project which now controls him. He chases after his goals, leaving all the greatness he used to have behind, even killing people to try to accomplish his goals. He is eventually caught, and his time under the control of the darkness ends. So like someone with noble intentions who begins a great powerful project, but is consumed by his desire to complete the project and ends up dumping not only his nobility but his respect for life in the interest of achieving his goals.

Edited by Jowm, Mar 15 2012 - 06:59 PM.

  • 0
http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=5700 - My new epic revealing the life of the interesting character we all wish we could have known better before he left us, Karzahni.

Hey everybody! I'm working on getting a Bionicle podcast set up, it's almost ready to go, and I have one or two regular positions open for anyone with Bionicle knowledge who would like to join! Or if you would perfer not to be a regular, you can guest star as well. We will also be reading and critiquing short stories and possibly epics on the podcast, so if you'd like yours read let me know and I'll look it over and we may review it! For details and any questions you may have, just send me a PM.


To all image makers! I am in need of a logo for a podcast that I am going to get up and running pretty soon, and one of the final things I need is a logo for the podcast! If anyone would be interested in making me a good quality image, just message me, I would greatly appreciate it!

#11 Offline Haecceity

Haecceity
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Members
  • Seeker

  • 287 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 16 2012 - 03:21 PM

Well, I actually based it off some Poe stories more than I did the consequences of obsession...
  • 0

9181001334_fd8cffbeed_o.jpg

Vile terror, fearless blight
Haunting ghast, piercing light
Glow or shine or radiate
Sparkle, creep, reveal to sight
Human eyes so weak
To see and then to seek
Meaning for their rights
 

#12 Offline fishers64

fishers64
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
  • Kohrak-Kal Shattered

  • 4,717 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted Mar 18 2012 - 07:52 PM

I like this thing...particularly the journal-style format you choose to tell it in. But even if Vakama went crazy, I don't think he would go off and kill a bunch of Matoran, just turn into a self-contained babbling wreck. He might harm himself, but probably not others. Besides that, great story, keep up the good work. :)
  • 0

#13 Offline Haecceity

Haecceity
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Members
  • Seeker

  • 287 posts
  •  

Posted Mar 19 2012 - 02:18 PM

I like this thing...particularly the journal-style format you choose to tell it in.But even if Vakama went crazy, I don't think he would go off and kill a bunch of Matoran, just turn into a self-contained babbling wreck. He might harm himself, but probably not others.Besides that, great story, keep up the good work. :)

I was a bit unsure of how the "diary" style would be viewed-thanks for the encouragement. About Vakama's insanity, we have seen some brief flashes of rage-(hordika, anyone?) but I do agree that he would most likely blame himself instead of killing others. However, this makes for a better story. :P

  • 0

9181001334_fd8cffbeed_o.jpg

Vile terror, fearless blight
Haunting ghast, piercing light
Glow or shine or radiate
Sparkle, creep, reveal to sight
Human eyes so weak
To see and then to seek
Meaning for their rights
 

#14 Offline Velox

Velox
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Forum Assistants
  • Bibliophilic Littérateur & Senior Staff

  • 11,831 posts
  •   BZP Assistant

Posted Apr 14 2012 - 07:32 PM

Official SSCC ReviewFirst off, apologies for the delay; I hope this review makes up for it.Anyway, this was interesting. I'll start off with the title. It fits well, as throughout the story you showed how Vakama's destiny -- how his actual being -- became corrupt. But then what struck out to me was "destiny." It's easy to see that Vakama himself became corrupt, but how did his destiny? And I think you covered that well. Vakama's destiny was to create this mask, no matter the cost. Yet, at first it was meant to be something noble -- similar to giving one's life for one's country. However, Vakama shows how that destiny became corrupt; how he changed his mission to something that was not good, but corrupt and evil, by the murdering of Matoran, etc. And so one could say that he achieved his destiny, but, as you say: it was a corrupt destiny.The next thing I'd like to talk about is the style of this story. Personally, I liked it, and I thought it was interesting. Here Vakama keeps a journal of sorts, showing his change from goodness to corruption. My criticism about it is that it was just too short...I would have liked to see more of Vakama's thoughts, ramblings, etc. while going through this process. To show in an even greater way how he changed; it's obvious that he did become corrupt, but at the same time it could have been fleshed out more, to show what exactly caused him to change and why. As it is, I just didn't feel like I got enough characterization; I just felt like so much more could be added to this, as it is quite an interesting story idea. I think him going crazy and killing people is fine, from a realistic standpoint: the creation of this mask has become his only thing to live for, and he will do anything to make that happen. However, again, I think it could have been fleshed out more to go deeper into his actions, specifically change in actions, and whatnot.Anyway, don't have much more to add; I liked this story and enjoyed the idea behind it. Just a few nitpickings:

My name is Vakama- I’m a Ta-Matoran mask-maker.

I would just remove the dash here and replace it with a period. Though, throughout the story, I would change the dashes that you use, making them longer (--); it's easier to read and differentiate from hyphens.

Recently, Turaga Dume himself has tasked me with making a mask like no other-the Vahi, Mask of Time.

Why is the mask like no other? Being a Bionicle fan, I know why, but you have to think of what it would be like back then: Vakama is creating a mask like no other. But why? Why is it different from anything else the other Matoran/etc. have seen? They're very used to masks, so how is it like no other?

Notes: Today I heard a strange voice-but when I looked around, there was nobody there. I need to take it easy for a bit-the stress is getting to me.

For the first dash, I'd make it a comma. Also, I would've liked to see this expanded upon. It seems that if Vakama was writing a journal of sorts, and he heard a strange voice, he would have taken more time to describe it and his thoughts about it.

Today the city was attacked-yet Toa Lhikan could not save us all. I had always believed in the Toa-yet now I see them as the weaklings they are. No matter-the voice tells me that Lhikan will be of some use still…

First off, the repetition of "yet". Also, when you say "could not save us all" you make it sound as if he was not saved either, but as he is still there, obviously he was saved. Perhaps change it to something like "...could not save everyone". You also go very quickly from him always believing in the Toa to seeing them as "the weaklings they are" -- it's different from just him thinking of them as weaklings; it's much more than that. Lastly, the voices again: why does he just start listening to them? First he thinks they're strange, but then all of a sudden he starts doing what they say. Why?

Today I finished the Vahi. As I was about to put it on, the golden mask glowed-and rusted to a bright orange.

The dash is unnecessary. Also, though, I'm not sure "rusted" is quite accurate. Rust is a dark, dirty brown/orange, not the bright orange of the Vahi.

Entry Ten: After pondering it for a while, I now know what I must do. I shall create the Mask of Being whatever the cost…

What exactly is the Mask of Being? You don't describe it at all.Anyway, good job again. I hope you continue to write, and I look forward to possibly reading more from you some day.Posted Image

  • 0

"As a writer you ask yourself to dream while awake." ~ Aimee Bender


 winter.jpg


#15 Offline Athmos

Athmos
  • Members
  • Kohrak-Kal Attacks!

  • 2,804 posts
  •  

Posted Apr 15 2012 - 03:43 PM

Unique, yes, interesting, yes, Insanity, yes, a tad morbid, God yes. All of these make a very good read for me. My only complaint is that it is way too short.
  • 0

WIP





0 user(s) are browsing this forum

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users