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Goldishell And The Three Matoran

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#1 Offline Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa

Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa
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Posted Mar 15 2012 - 02:36 PM

Once upon a time . . .Narrator: . . . there were three Matoran--a great big Onu-Matoran, a middle-sized Ga-Matoran and a rather eccentric Le-Matoran. The--Le-Matoran: A rather what Le-Matoran!?Narrator: Eccentric.Le-Matoran: Um, storyteller dude...my element is Air, not Lightning....Narrator: No, not electric, ec--Ga-Matoran (babying voice): Yes, yes, what a silly mistake the narrator made.Le-Matoran: I'm glad you agree, Mommy!Narrator: Um...yes, right. Well, where was I? Right, big Onu-Matoran, middle Ga-Matoran, eccentric--Le-Matoran: Windy Le-Matoran.Narrator: Yes, a windy Le-Matoran. Let's just hope he doesn't...break! *sniggers**the Onu- and Ga-Matoran snigger*Le-Matoran: *rolls on ground laughing* HAHAHAHA, AHAHAHA, HAHAHAHAAA!...I don't get it. o_ONarrator: *clears throat* Ahem....Sorry, I shouldn't have raised such a...stink! *sniggers**the Onu- and Ga-Matoran exchange exasperated smiles*Le-Matoran: *rolls on ground laughing again* HAHAHAHA, AHAHAHA, HAHAHAHAAAA!...I still don't get it. o_ONarrator: *clears throat yet again* Ahem....Yes, er, well...I...I'll continue now, shall I? Ahem, so yes, the Onu-, Ga-, and...um, windy...*stifles a snigger*...Le-Matoran all lived in a log hut, deep in the Le-Wahi jungle. One morning, the Ga-Matoran cooked a kettle of Bula Soup for breakfast. She filled a great big bowl for the Onu-Matoran, a medium-sized bowl for herself and a little bowl for the Le-Matoran.Le-Matoran: What's that supposed to mean? Why do I get a little bowl? Is that an insult, are you calling me fat!? DO YOU THINK I NEED TO GO ON A DIET!?!Ga-Matoran: Yes, frankly.Le-Matoran: Oh, okay then. See, I just wasn't sure.Narrator: Um...right. Anyway, so all three Matoran went for a walk in the Le-Wahi jungle.Le-Matoran: Great, I love to walk! "Walk" is my middle name!Onu-Matoran: Now you mention it, what's your first name?Ga-Matoran: Hopefully while we're out walking I'll find my knitting needles, I haven't been able to find them lately.Le-Matoran: Speaking of lost things, I can't find George anywhere! Maybe he's in the jungle, too.Narrator: Enough interruptions! Where was I? Yes, yes, the three Matoran went for a walk in the woods.Meanwhile, not far off, a young Manas named Goldishell emerged from a hole in the ground.Goldishell (singing): From the day I arrive on the surface....And blinking, step into the sun....There's more to be seen, than can ever be seen! More to do, than can eeveeeerrr be doooooooone! It's the circle of liiiiiife! It's the--Narrator: Um, very nice. Yes, so she emerged--singing--from the hole. Seeing the hut in the distance, she made her way toward it--still singing all the while. She was an ugly little female Manas, with a somewhat prettier golden shell. She had wandered a long way through the tunnels beneath the surface of Mata-Nui, and she was very tired. Wanting to rest, she made her way to the hut, where she knocked upon the door.Onu-Matoran: A Manas in our hut? Toa, Toa, help, thief! Toa, Toa--Narrator: Quiet, you're not at the hut anymore! You're walking in the jungle, remember?Le-Matoran: Yeah, we're out in the jungle, so--wait, the Manas might take George! Help, help, Toa, T--Narrator (fiercely): Walking--in--the--jungle. Got it? You do not want to incur the wrath of the narrator.Onu- and Le-Matoran (fearfully): O-okay, right, jungle. Got it.Narrator: So many interruptions....Right, so...ah, yes. Goldishell approached the hut, and knocked on the door. Getting no answer, she pushed the door open.Goldishell: Hmm, nice hut. It could use some nice curtains, maybe some flowers here and there, but....Oh, look, chairs!Narrator: Seeing three wooden chairs and a long table set for breakfast, Goldishell went over and sat in the Onu-Matoran's chair. But it was much too hard.Goldishell: This chair is much too hard.Narrator: Er, yes, so then she went and sat down in the Ga-Matoran's chair. It was much too soft.Goldishell: This chair is much too soft!Narrator: I just said that, you know....Goldishell: Yeah, I was repeating it for emphasis!Narrator: Okay, sure....At last, Goldishell sat down in the Le-Matoran's chair. It was neither too soft, nor too hard. But it was too small, and it--Le-Matoran: Wait, if I'm so fat, how would the chair be too small? Shouldn't I have a big chair?Ga-Matoran: No...the diet has been working, so...we got you a smaller chair!...As a surprise!Le-Matoran: Oh, wow! Thanks!Narrator: *clears throat* If I may continue?Le-Matoran: Oh, yes, please do, kind sir, please do!Narrator: Thank you so very kindly. Now, the chair, neither too soft nor too hard, was too small. And it broke--all to pieces.Le-Matoran: :o My chair! My brand-new chair! ;_;Ga-Matoran: *sigh* Don't worry, Le-Matoran, we'll get you a new ch--Le-Matoran: *squeals excitedly and hugs the Ga-Matoran* Oh, thankyouthankyouthank--Narrator: Enough! I lost my place again....Okay, as I was saying, the chair--Goldishell: This chair is neither too hard, nor too soft! But--oops! It's too small, and it broke--all to pieces, like!Narrator: *sigh* Must you repeat everything I say?Goldishell: *sigh* I must repeat everything you say.Narrator: Despite how much it annoys me?Goldishell: Because of how much it annoys you.Narrator: *sigh* Very well....Goldishell: *sigh* Very good....Narrator: >_> Well, as I was saying, the chair broke. Then our protoplasmic protagonist percieved the Bula Soup.Goldishell: Our...proto...protuberant...p-protozoa...wha'?...it is fair and just! :(Narrator: ;D Haha, victory! Now, as I was saying, Goldishell was very hungry, so--Goldishell: I'm very hungry!Narrator: Don't push me, lady...Goldishell: Oh, you wanna play rough, slimeball? I can play rough!Narrator: Trust me, you're already on my list, don't push it. Now, as Goldishell was very hungry, she tried the Onu-Matoran's great big bowl of Bula Soup.Goldishell: That's Bula Soup, is it? Doesn't look too appetizing, but I'm open to new things....Ow! Bula Soup is too hot!Narrator: Then, Goldishell--Goldishell: Wait, it might be too hot for eating, but not for...and the bowl's nice and big....Hot tub! *climbs into the bowl* Oooh, that's niiiiice...Narrator: You're swimming in someone's breakfast. That's disgusting.Goldishell: Don't knock it 'til you try it! It's so warm in here, and cozy. I could just lie here all day... *happy sigh*Narrator: [sarcasm]Oh, don't worry, I'll just wait. No reason to hurry, you're not holding up anything important. It's not like I have better things to do...[/sarcasm]Goldishell: Great! Thanks.Narrator: >_> GET OUT OF THAT POOR ONU-MATORAN'S BOWL!Goldishell: Okay, okay, sheesh! I'm out, I'm out! Gosh....Okay, try the Ga-Matoran's Bula Soup, right? Trying...nope, too cold! Next!Narrator: Okay, so then Goldishell tried the Le-Matoran's bowl.Goldishell: Hmm...not too warm...not too cold....It could use a dash of nutmeg, maybe a bit of paprika...a little salt for taste, some pepper....Oh, if only I had some fried Gukko to go with it!...But asides from all that, I guess it's just right.Narrator: So our crustacean heroine (and self-acclaimed food critic) ate the Le-Matoran's Bula Soup all up. By this time, Goldishell was very, very tired, and wanted to take a nap, so she looked around the hut for a place to lie down. The hut, she found, was actually quite fancy (for a hut), as it featured a second floor.Goldishell: Oh, in case the first one gets broken? Wow, that's brilliant! I wish my home had one of those.Narrator: I would bash my head into my desk, if only I had one handy....Well, for that matter, I could use a head to bash, too, as I'm just an unembodied voice...Goldishell: *gets out a pen and notepad* And how does that make you feel?Narrator: Well, when I was young, it always made me feel different from the other kids...they could run around and play, but all I could do was watch....And when people talked to me, they usually faced the wrong way...not that I was ever really entirely sure, I suppose, as I couldn't quite tell myself where I was, as I wasn't physically there to begin with...but it hurt, just the same. And people sat on me, all the time. At least...I think they did....But, anyway--hold up, why am I telling you all this?Goldishell: Hey, beats me, but it's fascinating, do go on!Narrator: Hey, have you been writing this down? Give me that!Goldishell: If you insist. I'll just put it right in your...hand! *sniggers*Narrator: Oh, that's cold! I share my feelings with you, and you just make fun of me, you--you--Goldishell: Now, now, don't go shooting off your mouth...not that you have one! *sniggers*Narrator: You're asking for it, lady.Goldishell: Oh, you wouldn't hit a lady, would you? I guess you wouldn't hit anyone, for that matter, since you have nothing to hit with... *sniggers*Narrator: Suddenly, the ceiling collapsed, just above Goldishell's head! She tried to dodge it, but she was too slow! Within moments she found herself buried beneath a pile of debris.Goldishell: Okay, granted, I deserved that....Narrator: Darn right, carrot face.Goldishell: Carrot...face? o_ONarrator: Yeah, carrot face! It sounds like carapace, but it's...more insulting!Goldishell: O...kay...then....Would you kindly get this junk off me now?Narrator: Not until you apologize.Goldishell: *sigh* Fine...I am sorry if you stupidly misinterpreted my witty, funny jokes as being mildly offensive. Happy?Narrator: >_> You call that an apology?Goldishell: Well, the word "sorry" did escape my mouth--mandibles--whatever--didn't it?Narrator: I suppose.Goldishell: Great, now that's settled, I thought I was supposed to be tired? Shouldn't I be going upstairs to find a bed now?Narrator: Oh, yes, right. Ahem...so a slight shift in the debris caused it all to slide off her, and Goldishell, after dusting herself off, ventured upstairs, where she found three rooms. A great big room for the Onu-Matoran, a middle-sized room for the Ga-Matoran, and a tiny little closet for the Le-Matoran.Le-Matoran: How come everything I get is so small!?Narrator: YOU'RE--NOT--HERE!Le-Matoran: That doesn't explain why--Narrator: GET OUT!Le-Matoran: Okay, okay, sheesh!Goldishell: I think I'll follow the pattern and test out the Onu-Matoran's bed first. Though, you think I'd have learned by now that the Le-Matoran's stuff is best, but whatever...Le-Matoran: Hey, she has a point! All my stuff may be small, but it's the best! I...I'm the best! Yeah, I'm the best! I'm the best!Narrator: GET OUT OF HERE AND DON'T COME BACK, OR BELIEVE ME, YOU WILL REGRET IT!Le-Matoran: Gosh, fine...Narrator: Eccentric little....*grumbles*Le-Matoran: WINDY!Narrator: YOU HAVE THREE SECONDS--Le-Gatoran: Okay, gotcha', I'm gone like the wind, babe!Narrator: *deep sigh* Okay, so Blondishell found three beds, one in each room, and tried the Onu-Matoran's first.Goldishell: Much too hard. [sarcasm]There's a shock![/sarcasm]Narrator: And then she tried the Ga-Matoran's bed. I'm sure you know what's coming next, unless you have a brain the size of a Le-Matoran's--Le-Matoran: I resemble that remark!Narrator: I warned you! Meanwhile, out in the jungle, where the three Matoran were walking, a Muaka prowled through the undergrowth, searching for its favorite prey--Le-Matoran.Le-Matoran: N-no, no! I'll behave, I swear! JUST DON'T LET THE BEASTIE HURT ME! *cowers*Narrator: That's better. Ooh, bad luck for that other random, nameless Le-Matoran who happened to be nearby, wrong place at the wrong time, poor guy... That'll hurt in the morning. So the three Matoran continued their walk, and meanwhile, back on the ranch--yum, anybody got any salad?--Goldishell was trying the Ga-Matoran's bed.Goldishell: Too soft. Honestly, how much more predictable can this get?Narrator: Finding the first two beds to be uncomfortable, Goldishell tried the Le-Matoran's smaller one.Goldishell: And this bed is too mediocre!Narrator: Ha, ha. Stick to the script!Goldishell: Oh, pooh-pooh! Fine, this bed is just right....And I'm so tired of the predictability of it all that I'll just lie down and fall fast asleep....*snores*Narrator: Just then, as Goldishell drifted off into the land of dreams, of sugarplum fairies and ice cream clouds--Goldishell (talking in her sleep): CRUSH 'EM, TIGER!...*snore*....CHEW 'EM UP AND SPIT 'EM BACK OUT!...*snore*....THEN CHEW 'EM UP AGAIN!...*snore*....YEAH, THE BIG TRUCKS IS GONNA EAT THE LITTLE TRUCKS!...*snore*Narrator: Or of monster trucks and pizza clouds....So, um, yeah, the three Matoran were returning from their walk.Le-Matoran: Are we there yet?Onu-Matoran: No.Le-Matoran: Are we there yet?Onu-Matoran: NO.Le-Matoran: Are we there yet?Onu-Matoran: NO! NOW SHUT IT!Le-Matoran: ...Are we there yet?Onu-Matoran: *sigh* Yes, now we are there.Le-Matoran: Yay! Are we there yet?Onu-Matoran: Yes! I just said that!Le-Matoran: Oh, right....Are we th--Ga-Matoran: *gasp* Oh, dear me! Oh my goodness! Good gracious! Great gussy! Sakes alive! Slap me silly! Paint me red and shove a crowbar up my nose! Stomp on frogs and--Onu-Matoran: o_O What in the world are you going on about!?Ga-Matoran: The door to our hut is open! Someone must be inside!Onu-Matoran: Oh, naturally, we couldn't have just left it open, nor the wind blown it open, nor some Rahi entered. Because the door's open, naturally someone's in there, taking every one of our possessions, and preparing to strap the hut to a flock of Gukko to take that, too....Ga-Matoran: Don't jump to conclusions, I'm sure it's not nearly that bad, you worrywart!Le-Matoran: Finally! Someone agrees with me! I've always said he was a wart.Onu-Matoran: Well, are we going to stand out here all day, are shall we investigate inside?Ga-Matoran: Right...you go first! In case there is a thief, or a Rahi, or a Skakdi, or a Makuta, or a Sith, or--Le-Matoran: A Sith? Oh, come now, everybody knows they only live in the Southern Continent!Ga-Matoran: Well, maybe Voldemort's in there, or Tigerstar, or Basta, or even Edward!Le-Matoran: Edward? *shudders* Now that would be scary.Onu-Matoran: What's so bad about him?Le-Matoran: Nothing, really, it's the insane rush of fanatic teenaged girls that scares me....Narrator: All three Matoran shuddered heavily at this, and if not for the fact I am unembodied, I would, too. So instead I shudder in spirit. *nod*Le-Matoran: Spirit? GHOST! *screams*Ga-Matoran: *rolls eyes at Le-Matoran* Right, as I was saying, Onu-Matoran, you go first!Onu-Matoran: Me? Why not Le-Matoran, he's expendable!Le-Matoran: I thought we'd established this, I'm windy!Onu-Matoran: 'Kay fine, send him in first, he's windy.Ga-Matoran: Fair enough. Let's just hope there's a hungry Muaka waiting inside....Narrator: And then the Ga- and Onu-Matoran proceeded to shove the Le-Matoran inside.Le-Matoran: Hey, not so rough! Well, looks like nobody's here. Phew, I was scared they might have taken George....Narrator: Assured of the safety, the other two Matoran followed the Le-Matoran inside.Onu-Matoran: Hey, someone has been here! They've been sitting in my chair!Le-Matoran: And...how exactly can you tell this?Onu-Matoran: I...um...er....Ga-Matoran: He read the script, of course. So have I, and someone has been sitting in my chair, too!Le-Matoran: Well, it's obvious enough someone has been sitting in my chair, I don't need any script to figure that out. See, 'cause it's broken all to pieces! Poor chair, never had a chance....*sniff* Why must the good die young!? D: Oh, look, soup! 8DNarrator: Then the Matoran investigated the bowls on the table.Onu-Matoran: Someone has been tasting my Bula Soup! And...I think they were swimming in it, too. *grossed look*Ga-Matoran: Someone has been tasting my Bula Soup! And, on a different subject, where'd that pile of debris over there come from?Le-Matoran: Someone has been tasting my Bula Soup, and it's all gone! Maybe they're still upstairs--we can catch them before they take George!Narrator: Proceeding upstairs, the three Matoran searched each of their rooms.Onu-Matoran: Someone has been in my room--and they were sleeping in my bed!Ga-Matoran: Someone has been in my room--and they were sleeping in my bed! And...there's a big hole in the floor. o_OLe-Matoran: Someone has been in my room--and they were sleeping in my bed--and...and...*gasps* here's George! Oh, I'm so glad I've found you, I've missed you, George! I thought I'd lost you....Oh, and, there's someone in my bed, too. *shrugs* But what do I care? I've found George! I've found my favorite bucket!Narrator: And with one final hug, the eccentric--Le-Matoran: Windy....Narrator: Windy Le-Matoran donned the bucket as a hat. As he did, Goldishell opened her eyes, suddenly awakened by all the voices.Goldishell: *gasp* I've been suddenly awakened by all the voices!Narrator: If only I had a head and hand with which to headpalm in expression of my exasperation....Goldishell: *screams* Matoran!Onu-Matoran: *screams* A Manas!Ga-Matoran: *screams* A Manas!Le-Matoran: What's this about a banana?Goldishell: Please don't eat me! *cowers*Onu-Matoran: Us? Eat you? You should be eating us!Goldishell: Hey...that's right! I'm a Manas, and you're all Matoran! Sweet, this will kick the predictability! Okay, cue the dorky 60's music and begin the chase scene!Narrator: And so, to the tune of "I'm in Love with an Ostrich", the chase commenced. All through the house the Matoran fled, Goldishell crawling quickly after them. Even through a long hallway with many doors on either side, which did not previously exist and was to disappear once it had served its purpose for the chase scene, they ran, on and on.Onu-Matoran: *gasps* Wait! Everybody, stop!Narrator: The Onu-Matoran halted, causing the Ga-Matoran to crash into him from behind, followed by the Le-Matoran, and finally Goldishell. Painful.Ga-Matoran: Ouch! Why are we stopping, exactly?Onu-Matoran: Oh, I just found a widget here on the ground, that's all. Must be lucky....Okay, we can continue!Narrator: And so they continued their chase, running higgledy-piggledy about the house. Eventually the three Matoran fled out the front door, Goldishell following.Ga-Matoran: Quick! Into the pond, I bet Manas can't swim very well!Onu-Matoran: Oh, yes, and we Onu-Matoran are experts ourselves.Ga-Matoran: Well, it's worth a shot! Come on!Narrator: And so, as the Matoran trio entered the pond that sat before their house, quickly followed by Goldishell, our story comes to a close. For the pond that stood before their hut was not ordinary liquid protodermis--it was energized protodermis. Goldishell, the Onu-Matoran, Ga-Matoran, and Le-Matoran, bucket and all, dove into the pond. Moments later, something emerged--a humongous, horrendous, hideous mixture of Onu-Matoran, Ga-Matoran, Le-Matoran, and Manas--in the human world it would be known as a "BIONICLE Set Combiner". It had four huge legs; one green; one black; one blue; the last gold, and bearing a wheel where a foot would be. The four arms were of the same colors, the gold one ending in huge, crustacean claw. Yet the strangest, most horrible part of the beast could only be one thing--the huge, upside-down bucket that covered the beast's torso, on top of which sat four heads; three wearing masks; the third that of a Manas.Goldishell's Head: Well, I'm sure nobody saw that coming.Onu-Matoran's Head: Definitely a unique addition to the classic tale.Le-Matoran's Head: But we don't have a tail. o_OGa-Matoran's Head (exasperatedly): Just keep telling yourself that, darling.Narrator: And so ends the story of Goldishell and the three Matoran, otherwise known as The Legend of the Le-Wahi Beast.Le-Matoran's Head: And before you go, rest assured, no Matoran nor Rahi were harmed in the making of this comedy. Well, except for that Le-Matoran that got attacked by the Rahi...and I guess four creatures merging into a huge mutant could not really be called unharmed....Okay, rephrase that: Rest assured, four Matoran, one Manas, and one bucket were very much harmed in the making of this comedy.Ga-Matoran's Head: That's reassuring.Goldishell's Head: And, from our family to yours, have a very merry Christmas! :)Narrator: I won't even ask. I think it's time to end the--Le-Matoran's Head: DAYDREAMIN' HEAD IN THE SAND, DAYDREAMIN' GEE BUT IT'S GRAND! I'M IN LOVE WITH AN OSTRICH! *sigh* I'm gonna have that stuck in my head all day....

The End

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith :smilemirunu:

Edited by Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith, Mar 15 2012 - 02:38 PM.

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#2 Offline fishers64

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Posted Mar 15 2012 - 11:21 PM

Excellent! The "Bionicle Set Combiner" line was amazing. And a nonetheless unique take on an old tale. Very nicely done. :)
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#3 Offline Toa of Gallifrey

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Posted Mar 17 2012 - 01:45 PM

A very funny one-off comedy! Hilarious remake of the classic tale with the great BIONICLE comedy twist. Great job! The end was very unpredictable. XD
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#4 Offline Toa Sonis

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Posted Mar 29 2012 - 04:54 PM

Ga-Matoran: Well, maybe Voldemort's in there, or Tigerstar, or Basta, or even Edward!Le-Matoran: Edward? *shudders* Now that would be scary.Onu-Matoran: What's so bad about him?Le-Matoran: Nothing, really, it's the insane rush of fanatic teenaged girls that scares me....Absolutely love that part! Totally hilarious! Great comedy!

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I shall be saying this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by
and that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost, The Road Less Traveled

#5 Offline Toa of Gallifrey

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Posted Apr 01 2012 - 11:13 AM

I just realized in The Final Battle (or Swamp of Secrets, I can't remember) Lewa says he's gonna tell Kopaka and Pohatu a story and Kopaka asks to not tell them the story about the 3 Matoran, the Manas crab and the bucket because he couldn't get the picture out of his head for a week. XD
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