Edited by PooZy, Mar 21 2012 - 09:00 AM.
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Oasis - A Short Story
Posted Mar 15 2012 - 04:57 PM
Posted Mar 20 2012 - 11:18 PM
I think that might flow better as
"Po-rah!" he hissed the name loudly without flinching or turning his head.
"Po-rah!" Without so much as a flinch, he hissed his companion's name
I think the word causing kind of stumbles the sentence a bit. Maybe say it like:
Tarau kicked some sand at the other matoran, causing him to groan.
A great thing to do would be to read your story out loud after you've written it. If it doesn't feel natural when you say it, it may not turn out so well when it's written, either. Of course, flow is rather minor, and obviously, if the story is good, it's easily overlooked.To touch on the characters and plot; without so much as an introduction, you do give the characters a good bit of personality. The only thing is that from the beginning, I had it in my mind that Tarau and Po-Rah's relationship was closer to a Frodo and Gollum as opposed to a Frodo and Sam. It isn't until Teridax takes over Po-Rah's body that Tarau's affection becomes apparent. Of course, if that's a purposeful plot device, it can work, but in this case, it doesn't strike me as that.To segue right into the plot, I feel that it was very solid. The idea is interesting, and the execution is excellent. I especially like that the story has an air of mystery. There's no telling what will happen next. For example, from Teridax's appearance to the end, I wasn't sure if he was going to trick Tarau or be as honest as a Makuta can be :POverall, I'd say this is a very solid work, with just some stumbling blocks in the way of flow. Your descriptions are excellent, characters are as deep as you can get with a story this length, and the plot is intriguing. I hope to see more from you!
Tarau kicked some sand at the other Matoran, eliciting a groan.
Posted Mar 21 2012 - 08:57 AM
Posted Mar 27 2012 - 01:01 AM
Then the alarm set in. Po-rah was having a rest? "Fiend! You can't just take a body of your choosing, I don't care how long you've been waiting, Po-rah is my friend!" Tarau flared up in an impulsive frenzy of rage.
For the first, it seemed like Tarau came to that new way of thinking too quickly -- at least, for the story. I'd recommend showing his thoughts and how he came to that conclusion; at first you make it seem like he has no idea what's going on and is quite confused, then all of a sudden it finally clicks, without any explanation. That also leads to another question: Does he know Teridax? Obviously not by name, since when Teridax reveals himself as Teridax he gets no reaction, but then how does Tarau know him? Or does he? And if not, then how does he say what he says? Matoran have to know that not anyone can simply change bodies at will, so his mind must be going on overdrive trying to explain what's happening, unless he's heard of Makuta and comes to the conclusion that Teridax is Makuta. For the second passage, it seems unlikely that Tarau would trust him -- why would he? For all he knows he just killed his friend (another inconsistency...he seems to only care about him when he's missing, but it's the way he cares that's inconsistent. If it is the mentor/learner relationship, then he'd care in a different way than if they're truly friends), and going around stealing other people's bodies is not a reason to trust someone. But that aside, I still enjoyed it. The writing was solid, and as I said before, the plot is quite interesting, but I just want to see more with it. For example, why are they out hunting in the first place? What kind of culture do they live in? Again, I know it's a short story, but these things can all be touched upon in order to explain the characters more, and therefore give a greater impact. When we discover that Po-rah's body has been taken, there should be some kind of emotional response from the reader, and to do that we have to know the characters and subsequently feel their pain. And just a few nitpickings:
"How can I be sure?" Tarau pushed the question weakly, already deciding that he trusted this new stranger.
Need a comma between those two words.
broken only by patches of dry crisp grasses and tall standing stones.
"Po-rah, wake up you useless hunk of waste, I've spotted one."This should be part of the same "paragraph"/line, as it's the same person speaking.
"Po-rah!" Without so much as a flinch, he hissed his companion's name.
"You could stay here" replied Tarau, "-but if you do then you're getting the neck meat and not a scrap more."A couple examples of a mistake I saw throughout the story: Whenever you say "said___" (or any variation thereof, such as "replied Tarau" etc.), there should be a comma inside the quotation mark. For example:"You could stay here," replied Tarau...Also, there should be a comma after each "Ok", and for "Ok" you would either capitalize both letters, or type out the full word "OK or okay":"Okay, okay, okay," said Po-rah...
"Ok Ok Ok" said Po-rah, "I don't see how I can helps anyway, we've only one bow and you're the best shots."
"Skilled" is an awkward word to use here, IMO -- I'd use "quick" instead.
Tarau had skilled feet, yet it was a great deal of time before he reached his destination.
First off, awesome sentence here; good imagery. Though, I believe you mean "slivers" rather than "slithers" -- snakes slither, but a thin piece of something is a sliver.
The sun had risen more than he had anticipated and the shadows he'd relied upon to keep him cool had withered to thin slithers.
Instead of quotation marks, I would put that in italics to signify that he's thinking, not speaking:That's where dinner's gone, thought Tarau....Also, the period should be inside the quotation mark after "beast" and there should be a comma between "gone" and the quotation mark.
"That's where dinner's gone" thought Tarau, "I'd do the same in this kind of heat, were I as simple-minded as a rahi beast".
Just slightly awkward here. I'd change it to "When he was able to, he walked in the direction...." or something.
When he could he walked into the direction of the standing stones that littered the grasslands, keeping his reflective metal body out of sight.
The comma should be a semicolon. Another cool sentence, by the way. Good imagery here.
Somehow the trees looked denser close up, they formed an impervious wall that oddly contrasted the bleak deserts that Tarau was leaving behind him.
Another sentence with good imagery. Though I might consider changing "whilst" to "while"
He was almost daunted by them, their broad branches blotting out the sky and leaving him blind whilst his eyes adjusted themselves to the new alien conditions.
He panicked, there was no reply, looking about him he suddenly realised his telescopic eye was redundant in the trees.
Though I'm not sure what you mean when you say his eye was redundant..."redundant" means "repetition in excess"
He panicked when there was no reply. Looking about him...
Period goes inside the quotation mark.
"I'm over here, matoran". Po-rah's voice picked Tarau up and he spun to face its direction.
That comma should be a period, followed by a capital "W" for "what" -- also, it's just me but I'd change "THERE" to "there"
"THERE you are, what have I told you about your little games?"
That comma after the quotation mark is unecessary. Also, this goes back to what I said before -- the way he's speaking, it's demeaning, and not friend-like. If they were actual friends, it would be in a more joking manner; even if it was genuine surprise, you wouldn't talk to your friend like that.
"You caught one all by yourself? How on Spherus Magna did you manage that?", Tarau spoke with genuine surprise, putting his bow away behind his back.
"afterall" should be two words, and the period should go inside the quotation mark.
"I suppose all that training I gave you wasn't completely wasted afterall".
The "why Po-rah" makes it sound unnatural -- people don't really talk like that. Jinklemeister has very good advice: When you write characters speaking, try reading it aloud and see if it sounds natural or not.
"Why Po-rah, I called you a lazy excuse for a hunter who sleeps on the job but I take it back now-"
Should be:"I don't agree; Po-rah suits you fine. Come on, let's go." ("let's" is the combination of "let us" which is what you want, and then there were a couple issues with punctuation)
"I don't agree, Po-rah suits you fine, come on lets go."
Period should be a comma, and the "R" should be lowercase.
"I don't think you appreciate what's happening here." Replied Po-rah, a deeper note creeping into his voice.
The comma I bolded should be a period. Also, again this takes me back to a point I made above -- he could have just killed Po-rah, yet he's apologizing and saying he trusts him. ----Don't let any of that discourage you, however -- I pointed out all those things (including my rambling thoughts on the plot and characterization) because I can see a lot coming from this story. You've got a great plot, a good writing style, interesting characters, and a cool sense of mystery to this story that I would love to see expanded on. I know that with a little more you can create something not just good, but great. Keep it up, and definitely keep writing!
Tarau nodded in time to the sugary words. "I suppose I have no reason to mistrust you, I'm sorry, I've never met a real lord before. I don't really know how I should act."
Edited by Velox, Mar 27 2012 - 01:04 AM.
"As a writer you ask yourself to dream while awake." ~ Aimee Bender
Posted Mar 27 2012 - 12:41 PM
Edited by PooZy, Mar 27 2012 - 12:42 PM.
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