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War For Bzpower


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#1 Offline Jinkmeister

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Posted Mar 17 2012 - 01:02 PM

That's right. After a year, I've returned. And this will be the start of something new. Kind of. I'm going to reposting my original War for BZPower, with touch-ups, grammatical fixes and rewordings, and even additions of entire paragraphs. Eventually I'll post War for BZPower 2 but in the meantime, if I find time between work and school, I'll continue work on War for BZPower 3. Anyway, I'm back, and this is officially my first post on the new forum. Yippee!

WAR FOR BZPOWER

"Why did this have to happen?" Turakii asked solemnly as they buried Uepari's body."It was simple chance. We were in the wrong place, at the wrong time. Luckily, we were the right people to do it...we won..." Toa Lhikan Hordika said as he held Turakii against his side. Nearby lay the mangled, blackened remains of the massive figure, next to a harrowed battlefield that had once been the peaceful forums of BZPower."But at what cost..." Avohkah Tamer asked himself quietly as he stood over Laughing Man's grave. It had been a great price they had paid to save the entire forum, but was it truly worth it? This question would plague the website for years, until the heroes were forgotten, discarded like an old pair of shoes."We did what we had to do. BZPower has been saved, with only two deaths..." Black Six said. Suddenly, they heard labored breathing, coming closer, very slowly. Cautiously, AT put a finger to his lips before peeking around the corner. He gasped, and ran out, and shortly returned with a severely wounded Ferhago in tow."That...that wasn't the real Hapori Dume..." He said weakly as he collapsed, dead.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -Hours earlier...The rush had just begun. All the teenagers were just getting home from school, and hopping on the computer, slowing the servers on BZPower. It was the normal routine. Some members were posting, some were reading stories in the library, and more still were just sort of floating through various forums, without much purpose, but happy as could be. Everything was as it should be.Black Six whistled as he browsed General Discussion, not thinking for an instant that today would be the day it all went awry. Nothing worse than the occasional spam or flame post. He had no reason for concern. Until he noticed it. A sudden influx of reports for spam posts, flaming, and leet, more than usual. He selected one of the reported topics at random, and saw the spam was being posted at an incredible rate. Then the worst happened. The spam posts got up and started attacking.The members unfortunate enough to be adjacent to them were unable to escape their grasp, and they perished. Others escaped, and still others attempted to retaliate, with little to no effect other than their demise. Quickly, instinctively, Black Six drew his banhammer and began smashing the rampant posts. Members fled for their lives. From the direction of other forums he heard other moderators and administrators shout in surprise. Quickly, he yanked out his assistant, and sent a PM to all of the staff members. BZPower had to go into lockdown. Immediately. As he guarded the members who were fleeing, Black Six was quickly closing and locking all the topics, as were all the others in their own forums."We can't hold them off for long!" Shouted Turakii as she raced in from the adjacent forum, quickly followed by Toa Lhikan Hordika, Avohkah Tamer, and Laughing Man."I know! How's the evacuation going? Why aren't they out!?" Black Six asked, pointing at Turakii's compatriots."They can help, trust me! And the evacuation is almost done, except for the library. Some members are quite stubbornly trying to copy all their stories. We may have to leave them." She said, obviously not pleased with the idea."Man, you people certainly are fast!" Laughing Man remarked, dodging a mangled chunk of a spam post"Yes, but it was luck that so many admins were online and not too many members!" Black Six said, smashing a leet bug, watching its chunks disintegrate.As the group backed out of General Discussion, they bumped into two other members who were running to get out."Ferhago! Uepari!" Turakii exclaimed, "You survived!""They've taken Completely Off Topic!" Ferhago said."Where did these things come from, anyway!?" Uepari asked. As he said this, Black Six destroyed one final spam post, and closed General Discussion."I think I know..." Black Six said, slowly lowering the banhammer, breathing heavily."What?" TLH asked."Hapori Dume." Black Six said. Some of group gasped, and others furrowed their brows in thought."But...isn't he banned?" Uepari asked."Supposedly. The only answer is that he was unbanned by accident, maybe a stray virus or glitch...or it may even have been intended...""But who would do that?" Asked Turakii, concerned."I don't know...but we have to find out...and stop them." Black Six said as he started walking toward the Library. The rest followed him, each wondering who could possibly have allowed Hapori Dume to run rampant once again...- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -The seven just stared at the rubble that used to be the Library."Do you think everyone got out okay?" Turakii asked."I have no idea...Hahli Husky is offline..." Black Six said as he checked his assistant."She could have gotten away along with the rest of the members..." Laughing Man suggested."But why wouldn't she try to find us?" Uepari asked. Next to him, TLH's gaze was flicking all over the rubble, while Avohkah Tamer just stared at the destruction."She may have seen General Discussion close, and figured we had it under control?" Turakii suggested."She wouldn't leave us if she thought we needed help. No reason to worry, for now, we need to move. They'll be here any minute." Black Six said as he turned around. Slowly, the others followed, all now thinking about what kind of counter-attack they could possibly make...- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -They hadn't see any spam posts or leet bugs for a while. It figured, though, since they were following behind the trail of carnage. Here and there lay the bodies of members, drawing mixed effects from the group. Some stared at their own feet, trying not to look at the bodies, while others gazed that the bodies in a mix of fear and wonder as to what it was they were facing."Look" Black Six said as he pointed ahead. Almost too far away to see were many moving shapes and explosions, the occasional scream reaching their ears. "We're getting closer." He began sprinting toward the battle, followed by everyone else.Shortly, the enemy came into view. Hundreds of spam and flame posts, and leet bugs were trashing everything in sight. Among them were a large group of infected members, and in the midst of it all, stood a massive figure. He was nearly all black, making his exact shape hard to place. Red eyes glowed fiercely on what was likely to be his head. It was Hapori Dume."Wait here," Black Six said as he slowly advanced, the others hiding behind a signature half-buried in the ground. When he was several hundred meters away, an infected member noticed him, and alerted Hapori Dume of his presence. The towering figure's eyes turned and looked right into Black Six's own."Kill him," Hapori Dume said in a deep, resonating, somewhat mechanical voice. Immediately the entire army turned and began swarming toward him. Quickly, Black Six raised his banhammer, and smashed it into the ground, throwing much of the army flying, disintegrating in midair. He smiled at the thought of a much easier battle, when he realized what the infected members were doing. They were infecting more."SOMEONE UNLOCKED THOSE TOPICS!" Black Six yelled to the rest of the group, who immediately pulled their weapons of choice out of a nearby link. Avohkah Tamer and Uepari drew sniper rifles and began sniping over the signature, while Laughing Man and Ferhago drew shotguns and charged in. Toa Lhikan Hordika drew a large sword, while Turakii drew a sledgehammer, and they ran after LM and Ferhago. While AT and Uepari picked off enemies one by one, the rest attacked at close range.The battle was going well. The two snipers had managed to take out most of the infected members, slowly thinning the numbers of leet bugs and spam posts and flame posts, but they kept coming."How are they even making these!? I thought BZPower had filters!" Shouted Laughing Man as he continued peppering the advancing army with shotgun pellets."There's no way this was an accident! There must be a traitor!" Black Six replied, smashing his banhammer into any enemies that dared to get too close."But who?" Asked TLH, slicing another leet bug in half."It must be an administrator, or a hacker, a very good one! But it's only the seven of us online!" Black Six shouted as he smashed a flame post."Unless they're invisible!" Turakii suggested."Possibly!" Black Six shouted. Suddenly, Uepari ran up to them and began fighting with twin katana."Weren't you sniping?" Asked LM."I ran out of ammo!" Uepari said as he hacked a flame post to bits."What about AT?" Turakii asked."He's using an Imperialist! I had a Barrett!" Nobody had time to reply because the worst was approaching. Hapori Dume. His footsteps shook the ground, and his army backed away as he approached."You actually thought you could stand up to me...how entertaining." He said in his thunderous voice, with a hint of dry laughter behind it."RUN!" Uepari shouted as he ran forward and began hacking at Hapori Dume's legs. Dume simply looked down and kicked Uepari into a nearby signature. Black Six raised his banhammer to smash in Dume's knee, but Dume turned, reached down, plucked the banhammer out of Black Six's grasp, and snapped it in half. He then tossed it away, and kicked Black Six toward it.By now, Uepari had gotten up, and began charging again. At the same time, LM began running around Hapori Dume, slicing him with his own katana, discarding his shotgun. Uepari and LM ran around in opposite directions, slowly hacking at the the giants' legs."NO!" Shouted Hapori Dume as he snatched up the two, holding them to his face as he struggled to remain standing. "You fools will never defeat me..." At this, Uepari threw his katana, impaling Dume through the eye. Screaming in pain, Dume threw the two away, grabbing at his eye. He yanked the blade out, and turned to the two dazed comrades."You will pay!" He screamed, and threw himself toward them. Before they could react, he had lopped off LM's head, and jumped at Uepari, who had his blade up. It caught Hapori Dume in the heart, but not before Dume had done the same to Uepari."NO!" Shouted Turakii as the group raced forward. But it was too late. The trio was dead, frozen in their gruesome last moment.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -"Why did this happen?" Turakii asked solemnly as they buried Uepari's body. Toa Lhikan Hordika stood next to her, while Avohkah Tamer stood over Laughing Man's grave, and Black Six sat down nearby, next to his broken banhammer. Ferhago had gone to scout, and no one knew where he was."It was simple chance. We were in the wrong place, at the wrong time. Luckily, we were the right people to do it...we won..." Toa Lhikan Hordika said as he held Turakii against his side. Nearby lay the mangled, blackened remains of the massive figure, next to the battlefield that had once been the peaceful forums of BZPower."But at what cost..." Avohkah Tamer asked himself quietly. It had been a great price they had paid to save the entire forum, but was it truly worth it? This question would plague the website for years, until the heroes were forgotten, discarded like an old pair of shoes."We did what we had to do. BZPower has been saved, with only two deaths...and it was probably the shortest war in recorded history" Black Six said. Everyone caught his humor, but no one laughed. Suddenly, they heard labored breathing, coming closer, very slowly, as if crawling. Cautiously, AT peeked around the corner. He gasped, and ran out, and shortly returned with a severely wounded Ferhago in tow."D....decoy. It was a...decoy" He said weakly as he collapsed, dead."What!?" Gasped Turakii. Before anyone else could speak, realization filled AT's eyes."That wasn't Hapori Dume," he whispered. The horror settled into everyone next to instantly."It's...impossible...he must have created a fake account...but how? How did he get through without administrator authorization?" Black Six asked, more to himself than anyone. This further proved that there was a traitor...but who? And why?"We need to go destroy the real Hapori Dume...Now..." Avohkah Tamer said solemnly."He's right. We have no time to waste." Black Six said, standing up. He grabbed the half of the banhammer with the head, and began walking. Slowly, one-by-one, the rest got up and followed.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -"How close are we?" Asked TLH."I have no idea...we just need to follow the carnage and we'll find 'em." Black Six said morbidly. Suddenly, there was a massive explosion not a dozen yards away. As everyone struggled to stay standing and clear their ears and eyes of the noise and light, Turakii ran over the Black Six and snatched the banhammer."It would be lovely if you all threw down your weapons and stood against that signature." She said, smirking as she held the banhammer aloft, prepared to strike at any time."So it was you all along...How?" Asked Black Six, his eyes narrowed. The others had reactions from shock to horror to devastation."Why, Turakii?" TLH said, despair in his voice."I happened upon Hapori Dume wandering another forum...I struck up a conversation. He taught me how to hack into BZPower and gain the powers of an administrator.""But...why?" Asked TLH, still looking confused, saddened, and scared."He...he told me I would be given control of the forum. Ho-how could I refuse? He promised me power! Power beyond reckoning! Come on, TLH! We can control the forums as king and queen! They'll all bow to us!" She said, waving the banhammer in the direction of the others."But...you...Turakii..." AT stuttered."SILENCE!" She shouted, "I spoke to TLH," she said, holding a hand out to him. "Come on, we can do it!" TLH looked at her hand with sorrow, clenched his fists, and looked into her eyes."No, Turakii. I won't betray my friends." A look of shock crossed Turakii's face. She quickly regained her composure, and pointed the banhammer at him."Fine then. It doesn't matter. Suffer along with all your "friends." But right now, you will accompany me to Hapori Dume's throne room. There, you will meet your fate." She said as she shoved Black Six with the banhammer. So went the quartet, with the downtrodden friends walking solemnly in front of their newest enemy.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -They had been walking for over an hour when Black Six made his move. He quickly drew the other half of the banhammer, and stabbed Turakii. She screamed in agony, throwing the top half of the banhammer in the air. Black Six caught it as Turakii fell to the floor, dead. Her eyes seemed take on a much more peaceful look, as if she was relieved from a great suffering. TLH crouched by her side, and closed her eyes. The AT and Black Six stood and watched as TLH was racked with silent, shuddering sobs. Slowly, he got up and wiped his face."Come on," he said, running toward the Reference Desk. As the group sprinted, they began passing larger and larger groups of spam posts, leet bugs, and flame posts, along with several infected members, but none moved in to attack."He thinks we're no threat," Avohkah Tamer remarked."He's an arrogant fool!" Black Six replied."Look" TLH shouted, pointing. Ahead, sitting in a throne, was Hapori Dume. He looked just the like the impostor Dume, except instead of the black hiding his features, it enhanced them. He had a sharp, angular face, a thin body that seemed to be made of hundreds of black spikes, and arms that looked like long, black branches ending with five long, spindly fingers."So...I see you have killed the traitor...I had hoped she would have survived...She was such a nice girl...So easy to...corrupt...to control..." A demonic voice hissed through Hapori Dume's wicked grin. TLH felt rage build up inside him, mixed with the sorrow."You'll pay for all the destruction and death you've caused, Dume!" Black Six shouted as he stepped forward, AT and TLH on either side of him."Oh, will I?" Hapori Dume cackled. "It seems to me that it took killing four of you to get to me...killing three more shouldn't be hard at all." TLH couldn't take it anymore. He charged at Hapori Dume, grabbed a sword out of a nearby link, and leaped in the air, aiming to rend his head off, when an infected member tackled him out of the air, and stabbed him in the throat."NO!" Shouted AT, shooting the infected member."Well, that was easier then I thought." Hapori Dume said, obviously entertained."Dume! How about you face a fight yourself for once!" Black Six shouted, hoisting the banhammer. AT looked at him, ready to help, but Black Six waved him off. Dume leaned forward in his throne."Foolish of you...I will enjoy this..." He leaped from his throne, sending the impact rippling out. Black Six drew the other half of the banhammer. Hapori Dume cackled, and pulled out a massive, black version of the banhammer. Black Six took a step back in shock."Didn't expect that, did you?" Hapori Dume said. Black Six steeled himself, and took a step forward. Hapori Dume lifted the banhammer without warning and swung it low. Black Six jumped over it, and leaped to the side as Dume turned and smashed it down, burying it in the ground. Black Six ran under Dume's legs, slashing his calves with both halves of his own banhammer. Dume cried in shock as he pivoted and slammed his banhammer down again. Black Six dodged once more."You filthy insect! You will fall!" Hapori Dume shouted, obviously frustrated. He swept toward Black Six's head once more, but Black Six ducked. Still, he said nothing. Then, raising the banhammer once again, Hapori Dume slammed it down with all his might. Black Six darted forward, and grabbed the huge weapon near the hilt. He smashed his own banhammer into Dume's wrist, shocking him into dropping his weapon."This...this is not possible!" Dume shouted. Black Six grabbed onto the giant's wrist, and hauled himself onto his arm. Quickly, he leaped up his arm, and slammed his banhammer into the back of Hapori Dume's head. He then side-flipped over his head, landing on the other shoulder, and stabbed the bottom half of his banhammer into Dume's eye. Dume screamed in pain, and snatched at Black Six. Ducking, Black Six swung his banhammer at its lower half, forcing it straight through Dume's head and out the back.Dume was dead before he hit the ground. Black Six leaped off his shoulder as the corpse plummeted, and picked up the other half of his banhammer. Hapori Dume's army began running in disarray as one-by-one, they faded and disintegrated. The infected members returned to normal, wondering what had happened and staring in shock at the carnage. Avohkah Tamer ran up to Black Six."You did it!" He exclaimed."No...not me. It took everyone...their sacrifices must be remembered..." Black Six said as he gazed into the sky...- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -2 weeks later...The forums finally reopened, with most of the damage repaired. Members went back to their business, not really caring about what had transpired. Some wondered where Turakii, Toa Lhikan Hordika, and the other well-known members had gone, but most shrugged it off as a glitch caused by the downtime. But then again, there were those members who saw the topic in the Reference Desk commemorating the fallen heroes, acknowledging their sacrifice...- - - - - - - - - - - -Edit: Forgot to add my ending notes, as scanty as they are.Just wanna link to the original version:http://www.bzpower.c...howtopic=317806Hope y'all enjoy!

Edited by Jinklemeister, Mar 17 2012 - 01:30 PM.

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#2 Offline fishers64

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Posted Mar 17 2012 - 08:36 PM

Is this a dramatic reenactment of the 2004 VahkiPower prank? Anyway, great job...I like the reference of signatures as something to hide behind. And of course the banhammer. :) And it seems that all the 'dead' members really have vanished...I admire the attention to detail.
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#3 Offline Jinkmeister

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Posted Mar 18 2012 - 09:32 AM

Thanks for checking it out! This is actually my first rewrite of my third overhaul of this story. The very original version was loosley based off of VahkiPower, but really I just use Dume since he's kind of the only enemy BZP has. I've incorporated Hapori Tohu and even Snopori Tohu, but I've omitted the latter two this time around.And this was originally written over a year ago, so I was using members I knew. Expect WfBZP2 up soon!
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#4 Offline Grantaire

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Posted Mar 21 2012 - 06:29 PM

Official SSCC review!All right, when I first saw this title, I was a bit wary as to its quality: I have a built in distrust of BZP themed stories (with the exception of BZ-Metru).The theme is a classic one, that adds a bit of nostalgia. However, The overall writing sounded too fast, and too stereotyped (Decoy Dume's death, Turakii's betrayal). The main problem however, is that the writing was too fast pace. The problem? I think I will term it the substance mismatch. Basically, this should not be a short story. it's too rushed, too sudden, which ruins it. It has the potency for an epic, and would work a lot better as such. As it is, I find the fighting scenes far too typical and fast, and the characters were 2D. I hate to be negative, but there was hardly any originality in the dialogue: the final scene for instance, is an absolute classic.Then there is the next problem: BZP itself. At first it sounds like a forum, virtual reality at best. But in neither of those can you be killed. If when you died your account was deleted, the people could have simply made new accounts. You probably should fix this plot gap, as it is a little confusing.Now, for spelling nitpicks.

The rush had just begun. All the teenagers were just getting home from school, and hopping on the computer, slowing the servers on BZPower. It was the normal routine. Some members were posting, some were reading stories in the library, and more still were just sort of floating through various forums, without much purpose, but happy as could be. Everything was as it should be.

I honestly think that 'others' would look better than 'some' there.

"Yes, but it was luck that so many admins were online and not too many members!" Black Six said, smashing a leet bug, watching its chunks disintegrate.

Given the context, I think 'replied' would sound better than 'said'.

"Ferhago! Uepari!" Turakii exclaimed, "You survived!"

Nuke the capitalization there.

"I think I know..." Black Six said, slowly lowering the banhammer, breathing heavily.

The repeated 'said's before make 'answered' sound better here.

"Hapori Dume." Black Six said. Some of group gasped, and others furrowed their brows in thought.

Period becomes a comma there. you did this a lot, but I'll just point this one out. You should correct the rest as well, of course.

"She wouldn't leave us if she thought we needed help. No reason to worry, for now, we need to move. They'll be here any minute." Black Six said as he turned around. Slowly, the others followed, all now thinking about what kind of counter-attack they could possibly make...

I think a single period will suffice nicely there.

"Look" Black Six said as he pointed ahead. Almost too far away to see were many moving shapes and explosions, the occasional scream reaching their ears. "We're getting closer." He began sprinting toward the battle, followed by everyone else.

Should be: "Look," or "Look!"

"Why did this happen?" Turakii asked solemnly as they buried Uepari's body. Toa Lhikan Hordika stood next to her, while Avohkah Tamer stood over Laughing Man's grave, and Black Six sat down nearby, next to his broken banhammer. Ferhago had gone to scout, and no one knew where he was."It was simple chance. We were in the wrong place, at the wrong time. Luckily, we were the right people to do it...we won..." Toa Lhikan Hordika said as he held Turakii against his side. Nearby lay the mangled, blackened remains of the massive figure, next to the battlefield that had once been the peaceful forums of BZPower."But at what cost..." Avohkah Tamer asked himself quietly. It had been a great price they had paid to save the entire forum, but was it truly worth it? This question would plague the website for years, until the heroes were forgotten, discarded like an old pair of shoes."We did what we had to do. BZPower has been saved, with only two deaths...and it was probably the shortest war in recorded history" Black Six said. Everyone caught his humor, but no one laughed. Suddenly, they heard labored breathing, coming closer, very slowly, as if crawling. Cautiously, AT peeked around the corner. He gasped, and ran out, and shortly returned with a severely wounded Ferhago in tow."D....decoy. It was a...decoy" He said weakly as he collapsed, dead.

I honestly think the repetition is unneeded, especially as Ferhago. Two problems with the 'He'. first, there should be a comma after decoy, and he should not have been capitalized. Second, who is this he? You might want to clarify that. ;)

"What!?" Gasped Turakii. Before anyone else could speak, realization filled AT's eyes.

gasped

"Look" TLH shouted, pointing. Ahead, sitting in a throne, was Hapori Dume. He looked just the like the impostor Dume, except instead of the black hiding his features, it enhanced them. He had a sharp, angular face, a thin body that seemed to be made of hundreds of black spikes, and arms that looked like long, black branches ending with five long, spindly fingers.

"Look!"

"So...I see you have killed the traitor...I had hoped she would have survived...She was such a nice girl...So easy to...corrupt...to control..." A demonic voice hissed through Hapori Dume's wicked grin. TLH felt rage build up inside him, mixed with the sorrow.

a---Overall, this has potential, although it does need a lot of work. My main problem, aside from the crampness, is the massive amount of stereotypical lines and action scenes. I would frankly suggest you edited them, a lot. Also... There are times where a bit more description, especially about the people themselves, would make the read a lot more enjoyable.

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#5 Offline L'Etranger

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Posted Mar 22 2012 - 03:22 PM

First off, Like Zarayna, I'm a little cautious about storys placed in a BZP universe, put this pulled it off without error. The story was excellent, the writing style was attention catching, and the pacing was amazing. Not too fast, yet not too slow. There was a perfect amount of emotion and action, and it had a very satisfing ending. I will undoubtedly be reading the second one in the near future.
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