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Whispers In The Dark

Horror suspence

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3 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Torgalpif

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Posted Mar 21 2012 - 03:59 PM

Whispers in the Dark

by Portalfig

...Po-Metru. The only place that rivals even Ta-Metru in temperature. The place where sculptors work alongside towering spires of stone. A dry desert of a metropolis, always aspiring to being greater and bigger then it is....This area, this place, is where the Po-Matoran worked. Pulling, shoving, drilling, cursing, whatever they could do to make their job easier they did. They would search the walls of the quarry for the perfect rock for the carvers. They would rip it out with picks and hammers, and then drag it out of the pit. One such group was on their way up already, even though it was so early in the day. Three Matoran, with masks planted firmly on their face, pushing a rock wasn't unusual, except that they are supposed to work in teams of four....A lone Matoran made his way to the group over and around the many obstacles. His Kualsi was practically shining, obviously a new acquisition. He quickly got with the others in the threesome, and they soon had the rock heaved all the way to the top. They started to rest for a bit, breathing heavily, then the Matoran with the Kuasai spoke...."Sorry I'm late," he grunted, "those fire-spitters couldn't find a replacement mask for me."..."I'm still sorry for that," another Matoran replied, "I didn't mean to drop that rock on your head, Pokam."...The one with the Kualsi, Pokam, shrugged it off, joking "I will just have to repay you later then."...There were hearty laughs all around, as Pokam was very mild mannered, and then the posse returned into the quarry for work.~~~~...The sun was setting, work was done. Pokam and his group were wearily making their way back to the dormitory. Half-heartedly, one of the members made another Ta-Matoran joke. There were a few chuckles, but for the most part they stayed silent...."Pokam," one of the others asked "weren't you supposed to order those new tools from Ga-Metru today?"..."Muaka spit!" Pokam spat, "I was!"...He called goodbye to his friends and ran towards the chute station, hoping just to make it to the refinery in time. He sprinted through the station and dived into the chute. He shot along the liquid tunnels towards his destination. He jumped out of the chute mere moments later and ran across the street to the refinery. A Ga-Matoran was closing the door behind her as she closed up...."Wait!" Pokam cried, "I need to place an order!" The Ga-Matoran gasped in surprise, and spun around...."Ah," she said, "I guess I can let you in for a moment, to place the order." Pokam followed her into the building and they both walked to the desk. The other matoran slid into the chair and picked up the pen. She glanced up expectedly, and Pokam looked right back at her as he strove to recall everything he needed to order. The Ga-Matoran wrote everything down, and then placed the order in the stack of others...."That's everything, I think," Pokam said, and the Ga-Matoran looked back up at him...."What is your name?" she asked "I have to put it down. On the page." Pokam replied, and as she wrote it down she said, "Mine's Galni."..."Nice to meet you," Pokam replied, and they stood their awkwardly for a bit...."I have to close up," Galni stated timidly. Pokam replied that he had to go too, and he strode outside. He began to head for the chute station, but then changed his mind when he saw the remnants of the sunset. He loved this time of day, and so he decided that he would walk home. The sun sank even lower in the sky, until the streetlights were the only light left. Most Matoran were home by now, and the streets were mostly empty....The eerie sound of the wind cutting through the streets filled Pokam with chills, and he wasn't even out of Ga-Metru yet. The sound of an armored foot hitting the pebbles that littered the streets cause him to turn around. Nobody was anywhere in sight....Pokam shook off the feeling of unease that was falling over him. He told himself that he was imagining it. He told himself that having a rock dropped on your head really messes with you. He heard the sound again but this time it was accompanied with a short screech, like a birds cry. Pokam shivered involuntarily, and then he heard it a third time. He spun back around and saw a being striding towards him. It looked like a toa, and Pokam sighed with relief. Then it stepped into the halo of light the streetlight cast....Its form was misshapen, broken. Its left leg was shorter than the right, and a useless arm hung limply to its right side. The heartlight enbedded in its chest shone weakly with a sick blue, and black smoke climbed to the night sky from its back. But worst of all was the mask....It was a carvers nightmare, with no flow, no one color to it even. It was a patchwork of many different masks, and little else could be distinguished. A part of a Miru sat near the mouth, giving the creature a lopsided grin. A part of a Hau sat on the cheek, opening a cesspool in the ghastly face. Each piece had different colors, and it looked quite unnerving....The abomination raised its left hand towards Pokam, and it's sharp discolored nails pointed right towards his face. Or even, his mask. Realization dawned on Pokam, and he spun around quickly and took off running the other way. A few blocks down he checked behind him, only to see nobody and nothing. He didn't stop running, because he knew what he had seen, right?...He thought again of that stone that fell on his head earlier that day, and doubt began to creep into his mind. Did he see what was really there? Did that rock do more then everyone thought? He was just being silly Pokam decided, and he began to slow down. Then he recalled the horror of that being, illuminated by the weak light. He kept running, convinced that he was imagining it. Then he saw a convoluted form at the end of the street. It stepped forward, then began running at Pokam much faster than should be possible....Pokam darted down the dark side street, doubt now nowhere in sight. The beast was behind him, chasing after him. They both were alternately being lit up by the streetlight, and then being hidden in darkness. Pokam turned into another alley, his feet scrambling on the pebbles in the street. The light was very dim here, and Pokam was getting tired. He slid behind a wheeled crate, hoping to escape unnoticed. The heavy footsteps of the creature behind him slowed, and then came to a halt. Then the nightmarish being spoke. Its voice was like gravel, hard and unrefined...."I know you are here, my brave Matoran." The thing hissed, "Where are you?" The creature put its good arm against the wall, and raked its nails across it as it walked around the alley. Closer, closer still it approched the shadows where the Matoran was cowering. It stopped on the other side of the crate Pokam was behind and said "All I want is that shiny mask on your face, that is all. Can we talk about this?" Pokam shoved the crate towards the being, and took off running...."Foolish Matoran!" the abomination snapped, and as Pokam looked over his shoulder he saw the being smash the crate against the wall, then taking off towards the helpless Matoran. Pokam turned down yet another side street, but this one led right to Ta-Metru. The bridge loomed mightily over the protodermis river, and Pokam jumped onto the bridge, when he had an idea, he took off towards where he thought the reclamation yards were....The monster stayed close behind, and Pokam could hear it's breathing, muffled and sickly. The fence for the yards was right in front of them, and Pokam knew that he had to get to the other side. He scanned the area, never stopping, when he saw it. A barrel sat near the fence down a way, and Pokam ran over to it and quickly scaled the fence. He glanced to see if he bought himself any more time, only to see the beast leap clean over the fence...."Oh Mata Nui!" Pokam cursed, and then he took off for his destination, the furnace. He scrambled over piles of tools and masks, the abyssal thing behind him, catching up. Pokam scaled another pile, and saw the entrance. His dashed in, and without stopping to catch his breath he ripped off his mask, and sent it flying into the hot furnace...."You'll never get it now!" he called, before he felt a claw press down on his face and he passed out.~~~...He was found the next day, maskless and with his armor melted after being so close to the furnace for so long. His heartlight was dark, stone dead. A crowd of Matoran shoved to get closer, except one at the very back. She looked over everyones' heads, and then turned around. She was almost late to work, luckily she got something to help her with that last night....She walked into an alley, and then suddenly the blue Rau on her face shifted into a brown Kualsi. She looked towards the refinery, then she disappeared, reappearing on the other street...."This mask will be quite useful." Galni thought.Yeah, here we are. This is my first work that I have been pleased with enough to put it here on BZP. I am not too happy with the ending, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with it. So I didn't do anything. It has ~1,556 words in it, and any and all comments are appreciated!

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#2 Offline Jowm

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Posted Mar 21 2012 - 05:51 PM

After I saw the title I thought of "Whispers in the Dark" by Skillet :P. Anyway, interesting, to say the least. Strangely, I enjoy these morbid, dark stories, they leave something with you that feels unusual inside, though, if done well, other types of stories can leave something with you inside as well. But this one was very strong, you did a great job. There were a few grammar and/or spelling mistakes, such as at the beginning in the 1st paragraph you incorrectly said "then" rather than the correct "than," but mostly it was alright as far as that. For the plot, it was intriguing, exciting, and brought a mystery into view, but just barely into view, as if still majorly concealed by darkness, the edge of an unknown object sticking out into dim light, bringing a strong curiousity to know what it is. I will say that I, too, found the ending somewhat disappointing, I wanted to see something darker, more mystical and cryptic, more unknown, deeper, than what was revealed. It's true that what was revealed did still have some of that element, but if you had made it something different or added soemthing more to it it would have added more of that feel to it, and thus made it better. I also find the main character's refusal to surrender his mask unrealistic, true a mask is in a way a part of a matoran, representing him and his identity, but he just got it, and it's not worth his life, I personally would opt to forfeit my mask rather than my life. But anyway, it was good, I look forward to seeing more from you, and I hope this was helpful.
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http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=5700 - My new epic revealing the life of the interesting character we all wish we could have known better before he left us, Karzahni.

Hey everybody! I'm working on getting a Bionicle podcast set up, it's almost ready to go, and I have one or two regular positions open for anyone with Bionicle knowledge who would like to join! Or if you would perfer not to be a regular, you can guest star as well. We will also be reading and critiquing short stories and possibly epics on the podcast, so if you'd like yours read let me know and I'll look it over and we may review it! For details and any questions you may have, just send me a PM.


To all image makers! I am in need of a logo for a podcast that I am going to get up and running pretty soon, and one of the final things I need is a logo for the podcast! If anyone would be interested in making me a good quality image, just message me, I would greatly appreciate it!

#3 Offline Torgalpif

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Posted Mar 21 2012 - 06:12 PM

Actually, that is where I got the title from, I couldn't really think about what I wanted to name it and it seemed to fit fairly well. :P

I also find the main character's refusal to surrender his mask unrealistic, true a mask is in a way a part of a matoran, representing him and his identity, but he just got it, and it's not worth his life, I personally would opt to forfeit my mask rather than my life.

Oi! That is a big plot hole, I never thought about that. -.-Thank you so much for the review!

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#4 Offline Jowm

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Posted Mar 21 2012 - 06:28 PM

Actually, that is where I got the title from, I couldn't really think about what I wanted to name it and it seemed to fit fairly well. :P

I also find the main character's refusal to surrender his mask unrealistic, true a mask is in a way a part of a matoran, representing him and his identity, but he just got it, and it's not worth his life, I personally would opt to forfeit my mask rather than my life.

Oi! That is a big plot hole, I never thought about that. -.-Thank you so much for the review!

Haha nice :P :).Ah, well glad I could point it out for you, a simple fix could just be to have him dump the mask but his pursuer kill him anyway, but if you want something stronger, deeper, more complex, go for it, I'd be glad to see it!You're welcome, glad to give it and to help, great job, I look forward to more!

Edited by Jowm, Mar 21 2012 - 07:40 PM.

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http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=5700 - My new epic revealing the life of the interesting character we all wish we could have known better before he left us, Karzahni.

Hey everybody! I'm working on getting a Bionicle podcast set up, it's almost ready to go, and I have one or two regular positions open for anyone with Bionicle knowledge who would like to join! Or if you would perfer not to be a regular, you can guest star as well. We will also be reading and critiquing short stories and possibly epics on the podcast, so if you'd like yours read let me know and I'll look it over and we may review it! For details and any questions you may have, just send me a PM.


To all image makers! I am in need of a logo for a podcast that I am going to get up and running pretty soon, and one of the final things I need is a logo for the podcast! If anyone would be interested in making me a good quality image, just message me, I would greatly appreciate it!




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