The Start Of Something...

[~garnira returns~]

Or the end of everything...The rust-colored toa ran through the gates of the fortress. He punched through the large metal door that kept him from his enemy. The toa stormed into the dimly lit chamber and jumped, blade in hand, at his nemesis. The makuta turned around and stopped the toa in mid-air. "Gravity control is a power that us makuta posses," said Krika "by the way, you're late!" The toa slammed into the floor, which was covered in ice crystals. "You know, I am not a being of destruction." said Krika "But there are times when things need to be destroyed." "You say you are not a destroyer, yet you plan to topple Spherus-Magnian civilization as a whole!"yelled the toa. The makuta pondered the toa's words for a moment, and then came up with a reply. "One must take down the old to replace it with the new. And now that i have you out of the way, i shall commence with the second part of my plan."Krika transformed into the form that mata-nui took while on Bara Magna and strolled to the doors, "The spheres have been fired, toa, now your only chance is to duck." The false Mata Nui disappeared into the darkness, and the doors slammed shut. The toa tried to push himself up, but it was no use. He fell into a deep sleep.He knew that the day he should arise again, the face of Spherus Magna would not be the same.

Edited March 23, 2012 by ~garnira returns~

[Peach 00]

First of all, I'm going to critique this a little bit. This will not involve any offensive comments, but just to help you out.You need to work a little bit more on formatting this and capitalization. When I mean formatting, I mean starting/spacing new paragraphs when posting the story. Previewing the story would be a good idea just to make sure it's the way you want it, so that way you don't have to go back and edit it and whatnot. Plus, you do need to work on punctuation as well, although I saw very few problems on this front, with the exception of one or two errors in punctuation. Nonetheless, here are the sections I'm talking about (The bolded parts represent the changes in the story's format and other sections):

The rust-colored Toa ran through the gates of the fortress. He punched through the large metal door that kept him from his enemy. The Toa stormed into the dimly lit chamber and jumped, blade in hand, at his nemesis.The Makuta turned around and stopped the Toa in mid-air. "Gravity control is a power that us Makuta possess," said Krika. "By the way, you're late!" The Toa slammed (be better if you you were to say hit the floor instead) into the floor, which was covered in ice crystals."You know, I am not a being of destruction," said Krika "But, there are times when things need to be destroyed.""You say you are not a destroyer, yet you plan to topple Spherus-Magna civilization as a whole!" yelled the Toa. The Makuta pondered the Toa's words for a moment, and then came up with a reply."One must take down the old to replace it with the new. And now that I have you out of the way, I shall commence with the second part of my plan."Krika transformed into the form that Mata-Nui took while on Bara Magna and strolled to the doors. "The spheres have been fired, Toa, now your only chance is to duck."The false Mata-Nui disappeared into the darkness, and the doors slammed shut. The Toa tried to push himself up, but it was no use. He fell into a deep sleep. He knew that the day he should arise again, the face of Spherus Magna would not be the same.

If you compare the original format of the story to my revised version, you'll see the changes I made. You'll see that you do need to capitalize some of the words more often, as they are proper nouns representing locations (Mata-Nui, Spherus Magna, et cetera), and other nouns such as Toa or Makuta that should be capitalized.Now, don't get me wrong, this story has a lot of potential. You just need to work on using adjectives more, capitalization, et cetera, et cetera. Adjectives make descriptive writing, and you're leaning more towards beige prose (slightly bland writing), in comparison to purple prose (heavy use of adjectives, too descriptive). I would also advise you need to give the reader more info. All we know is that a rust-clad Toa runs into a room with the Makuta we know as Krika. What's the main plot? Why is he there? What are Krika's plans? You need to give the reader backstory for them to understand the story.Honestly? This is a good story with a lot of potential, but I'd advise working on it further. Always look over your stories before you post them, to make sure you are satisfied with them. This would be great as an epic taking place in an alternate universe, but before you move towards that, you need to work on these problems I mentioned. I have no doubt you could be a great writer, and you're off to a slow start, but you have the potential to be great. You just need to work on some sections which are sometimes difficult skills to sharpen at first, but with time you'll improve.I'd love to read more of your work, but I advise that you ought to resolve some of these problems first before you post more stories. If you work a little harder at it, you can be a great writer. This was an interesting read, but also making it just a little longer could make it even more interesting. Keep up the good work, and I have no doubt that you'll be able to improve quickly if you continue to write.