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Lightfall Review Topic

light shadow lightfall menace of light looking for answers paths of warriors eclipsed review

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#1 Offline Maganar

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Posted Mar 22 2012 - 07:48 PM

Welcome to the revamped topic for Lightfall!This four-part epic spans vast tracts of the Matoran Universe in a wild search for a means to stop an ancient evil. Sound like a trite concept? Try reading the first couple chapters. You may be surprised.A similarly four-part sequel is planned and currently underway. I like to stay ahead of my posting to give myself time to catch proofreading errors.Thanks for any input you may give, and I hope you like the product of my efforts. :happydance:Posted ImageThese characters have to be introduced somewhere, and that's what Part 1 aims to do! Besides bringing most characters into play and describing the scenario, this part also includes some crazy action prior to the actual odyssey that the story revolves around.Character Pronunciation Guide:Tignioni – Tig-NYUN-eeGuftivei – GUF-ti-VAYEmeder – EM-uh-DHURImegna – Ih-MEG-nahNotes: Guftivei has a modified Cordak blaster. The schematics I sketched up are here.Posted ImageThe journey begins! I regret that this part came out absurdly short, but there's plenty of revelations comparative to the number of words.Character Pronunciation Guide:Rynekaad – RIHN-eh-KAYDPosted ImageThe next step in their task will require an extensive assualt on a fortified location... and old enemies are slowly catching up.Character Pronunciation Guide:Chief Falkhan – CHEEF Fal-KAHNRayzan – RAY-zahnKrazann – KRAY-zahnMorgoz – MOR-gawzTol – TOHLPosted ImageThe Realm awaits! It is time for destiny to decide the conclusion of this lengthy battle.Character Pronunciation Guide:Divrok – DIHV-rawkSemitra – Suh-MEET-rahRogog – ROH-gawgCarnus – CAR-nusExo-Killer – Wait, do you really need help with this one too?Gorrelian Hounds – Gohr-RELL-yan HOWNDZI have MOCed certain characters. See them here.I had a related art topic, but the only related artwork I had at the time was some Lightfall stuff I'd made in order to experiment with making CG art. I will not be servicing, updating, or responding to that topic until I have had a chance to make some real artwork related to Lightfall and then revamped the entire topic. Thanks for understanding!

Edited by Maganar, Jul 24 2012 - 11:31 PM.

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Now released, Lightfall's spinoff, The Sordid Shafts:
...everything will change for the war-torn city of Modos.

#2 Offline Angel Bob

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Posted Mar 22 2012 - 08:23 PM

You say you wrote some of this a long while ago, and I did notice a few small typos, but this is a really engaging story nonetheless. The core concept is easily the most intriguing part; light is consistently portrayed as the epitome of all good by the BIONICLE universe, and to see it used by a complete monster is a great twist. Your two named characters thus far, Tignioni and Guftivei (nice names, BTW) have only had a few paragraphs to introduce themselves to us, but their actions have shown their personalities well. And I'm pleased to report they're likable characters -- always important if the story follows them.My one major complaint is that the chapters are very short! I anticipate this might have changed as you continued to write, but I want more and I want more now! :P
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New short story: AN EVEN EXCHANGE, featuring the Makuta of Stelt

#3 Offline Maganar

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Posted Mar 22 2012 - 09:45 PM

There was some stuff I felt like saying in the first post that I'm saying here, but I'm not editting the original at this time for the sake of simplicity. Hence, the length.Wow, I was going to PM you to let you know I had finally began posting this, but you're just to quick! You'd already found, read, and reviewed the entire opening before I even had a chance to finish my supper (the reason I'd walked away from my computer at the time).OK, now to address your points. I see you liked my central concept. That's actually how the whole thing got started. I got this wild idea about "What is evil chose the light?" Light has good connotations and there's no problem with having heroes 'defend the light' and whatnot, but there begins to be a slight suspension of disbelief when not a single villainous entity reverses the roles. I started to come up with a basic plot and just started writing some stuff. I never got through Part 1 at the time.Then, the end of Bionicle began to loom on the horizon. I decided I should probably join the BZP community if I planned on following through with my interest in Bionicle and that made me remember my epic I'd started. I looked back, patched up what I'd written with better style and more advanced vocabulary where necessary to flesh out vivid scenes. Looking at it now, I actually did a pretty good job at my 'house-cleaning' of the start. Maybe my disclaimer was unwarranted.Ah yes, my characters and their names. The names had me worried because I exercised my passion for terrible inside jokes. If you want to see what I mean, try rearranging the letters several times in each name. *listens to question* What was that? You're asking if it spells something? I didn't necessarily say that. Plus, even if they did, it could just be a coincidence... *Ahem* Anyway, if you think the characters are well-developed already, just wait. It gets better. Some chapters, even some of the longer ones from later on, are almost all dialogue. Of course, those are balanced with frenetic chapters of consecutive action, so you'll have to tell me as time goes on if the balance is good... You can expect to see plenty more of both characters that have been introduced at this point and there will be some others that you'll meet.For example, we're just about to meet *spluttercough* in the next wave of super-short chapters. At the end of part one, you'll hear about the last big member of the team that plans to *ah....ah....achoo* whose name is *hacking cough* Though not a member of the team, we'll also meet *powerfulsneeze*. Matter of fact he'll even <connection lost>. Gee, I keep sneezing and coughing. Maybe I have a cold or something.With those plot spoilers averted...I'll keep quiet for the time being. I'll release all of Part 1 - The Menace of Light in five posts, one a day. Once that's done, I think I'll start the aforementioned BBC and General Art topics. Sorry for the shortness, but it will be mediated within time as the chapters get longer. Glad you liked it, and your complimentary post allowed me a huge sigh of relief. Maganar, out.EDIT: Actually, I've reconsidered. I'll release all of The Menace of Light in four days. Parts 1 and 2 are both very short, but 3 and 4 are considerably longer. That's all.

Edited by Maganar, Mar 23 2012 - 03:14 PM.

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Now released, Lightfall's spinoff, The Sordid Shafts:
...everything will change for the war-torn city of Modos.

#4 Offline Angel Bob

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Posted Mar 25 2012 - 06:43 PM

Very intriguing new developments, and much congratulations on the fight scene with the Steltian brute. If I have one complaint, it's that Emeder's backstory is very... well, brief. It seems to go so quickly, and there are several elements it skips over that could have been very interesting to read about. Still, Guftivei's story is progressing well, though I want to see more of Tignioni now. As the character whom we met first, it's uncomfortable to not have him around at present. :P
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New short story: AN EVEN EXCHANGE, featuring the Makuta of Stelt

#5 Offline Maganar

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Posted Mar 25 2012 - 08:33 PM

Just working on characterizing the protagonists of the sequel right now, I'll be sure to fill in more about their histories so as to make sure they don't end up like Emeder. It is true that Emeder story could be summarized within a few sentences and still hold the same significance: "Emeder defended a village. This same thing that keeps causing trouble blows it up, but he survives by accident and blames himself. He runs away and searches elsewhere for a way to redeem himself." Yeah, that's about all I put it into that. *cringe* :shrugs:Tell me what you think about once you've read the next part of the brute fight scene. It's far more exciting, but I wonder how easy it will be to follow. I can picture it in my head easily, but that might just be because I dreamt it up in the first place! http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/tounge2.gifAnd, yes, the temporary disappearance of Tignioni is something I'd noticed. The Xian incident took up more writing space than I'd intended, so what could probably have been a single nice-sized Part 1 had to be split into slightly undersized Parts 1 & 2. Don't worry, Tignioni will return as soon as we get off of Xia.
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Now released, Lightfall's spinoff, The Sordid Shafts:
...everything will change for the war-torn city of Modos.

#6 Offline Angel Bob

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Posted Mar 27 2012 - 10:18 AM

Don't worry, the resolution of the fight scene was easy to follow and quite action-packed. The discussion about life that followed was a great bit of character development for Emeder and Guftivei, showing that the Toa of Air still isn't satisfied. And why would he be? Then Tignioni shows up with a new purpose for him (and Guftivei). It seems at first that Guftivei accepts a bit too quickly, but then we remember that the hunt for the light being isn't as personal and frightening for him. Plus we get a new character introduced (although I'd have liked to see some of Tignioni's travels!). All in all, a satisfying conclusion to Part 1, and I'm looking forward to Part 2.
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New short story: AN EVEN EXCHANGE, featuring the Makuta of Stelt

#7 Offline Maganar

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Posted Mar 27 2012 - 02:38 PM

When I have some spare time, I'm going to have to write a short story to fill in more about Tignioni. He is vitally important to this epic, we don't see as much of him as I would have liked. Even later on he doesn't get a whole lot of time in the limelight. You'll see why in time, but he's almost non-exsistent in Parts 1 and 4, having seen all his action in 2 and 3. Thanks for the feedback and perhaps we'll see more of Tignioni in future works.And, as you can see, we now have a team of four on a task. You'll meet Imegna in person as soon as Part 2 starts. I'm taking a short little break from this series before beginning Part 2 in order to set up those on-the-side topics for the MOCs and drawings I made. That will give you a chance to see the images in my mind for each character that I have a representation of. And on a side note, while I will start the next part in a new topic, this will remain the review topic for all parts.
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Now released, Lightfall's spinoff, The Sordid Shafts:
...everything will change for the war-torn city of Modos.

#8 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Mar 28 2012 - 02:09 PM

I'm liking this, although the chapters are, of course, short. The fight scenes are interesting to read: when I imagine them in my head they remind me of the DCAU for some reason, but that's just me. The whole concept of having light be bad is an awesome twist on the usual, and the entire world these characters exist in feels like the canon universe. And that brings me to the characters themselves, which are definitely solid and believable, each with their respective, recognisable traits.As a fellow first-time-epic-er, I commend you.
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#9 Offline Maganar

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Posted Apr 01 2012 - 10:18 AM

Glad to hear you liked it so far, I'll be putting up the second part very soon now, maybe even today. It'll start with quite a bit of dilogue to solidify our last team member, Imegna, as a character, but then things will start to heat up. Part 2 is the most absurdly short, the only one shorter than Part 1. As you might have seen that I said, Parts 3 and 4 are significantly longer.Also, great news for all you who plan on following this through into the sequel who were interested in chapters longer than these infinitesmal slivers of text http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/tounge2.gif Chapter 1 of the sequel is approximately 4 to 5 times the length of one of these chapters. Yay! It seems I am capable of writing coherently in long stretches after all! Thanks for the reviews and I might even get the second part up today, it just depends if I can finish this sketch that has been giving me grief and henceforth put up the General Art topic. See you soon.
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Now released, Lightfall's spinoff, The Sordid Shafts:
...everything will change for the war-torn city of Modos.

#10 Offline The Iron Toa

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Posted Apr 01 2012 - 09:02 PM

Nice story. I like the detail you put into Xia, and the characters' personalities. It's nice to see a Vortixx that goes against the stereotype of being manipulative and greedy. I just had a friendly male Vortixx in my story (just a minor character however), funny coincidence. One thing that didn't quite work for me was Emeder's crazed reaction when Tignioni showed up. It's believable that he'd be sensitive and kind of crazy about it, but maybe the brief backstory didn't have enough of an effect. I suggest maybe going over that in more detail, to emphasize how bad he felt about it and why.
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#11 Offline Maganar

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Posted Apr 01 2012 - 10:31 PM

Thanks for the review. I'll keep in mind your tip about characterization of sensitive characters for any future works. I'm also glad that everyone seems interested in the characters and wants to hear more about them. If there's a complaint I'm not afraid to hear; it's that people want more info! That means I'm doing something right and it helps me know where to expand. I'll have to look into your works as well.Thanks plenty.
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Now released, Lightfall's spinoff, The Sordid Shafts:
...everything will change for the war-torn city of Modos.

#12 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Apr 21 2012 - 03:52 PM

Well, I just finished reading it, and I can see why you chose to split it into parts, the ending seems really conclusive, cliffhanger-y yet still part way through one story, kind of like the seventh Harry Potter film.The 12th chapter had the best dialogue, in my opinion, and it was somehow hilarious in my mind to see the looks on their faces when they discovered it was a enlargement disk in whatever chapter it was XDAll in all, I look forward to the next part so the story may go on :)
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#13 Offline Maganar

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Posted Apr 21 2012 - 04:26 PM

I can see why you chose to split it into parts, the ending seems really conclusive, cliffhanger-y yet still part way through one story, kind of like the seventh Harry Potter film. ...it was somehow hilarious in my mind to see the looks on their faces when they discovered it was a enlargement disk in whatever chapter it was XD

Yeah, the chapter divisions in this thing were a bit of a train-wreck (oh wait, there was a train-wreck in that last escape scene :P ) but I think that the Part divisions worked out well. I'm also glad to hear you liked the enlargement disk part. That was an idea that came to me in the middle of writing the rooftop portion and I immediately kept going and ad libbed that even though it hadn't been on my outline. The train-top battle was in the outline, so I adapted it to fit in with the enlargement disk situation.

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Now released, Lightfall's spinoff, The Sordid Shafts:
...everything will change for the war-torn city of Modos.

#14 Offline The Iron Toa

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Posted Apr 21 2012 - 11:38 PM

Welcome back. I was as surprised as the characters at how strong Imegna's telepathic ability is. Something tells me there's more to it than the combination of her elemental powers and her Kanohi, but I guess we'll find out if that's so. The part about the bad things and good things in the world was great (but nitpick: MU beings don't bleed). I'm looking forward to seeing Stelt in your story, and finding out if they make it to Voya Nui.
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#15 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Apr 22 2012 - 04:58 AM

(but nitpick: MU beings don't bleed).

There's been a bit of a debate about that I believe :PAnyway, yes, Imegna is a character and a half, what with her immense capabilities of psychic power and whatnot :P Although the bit of conversation about it being weird that she knew loads of people's thoughts seemed a bit forced, and it may have worked better if you'd just left it at Imegna giving him a knowing look.

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#16 Offline Maganar

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Posted Apr 22 2012 - 01:42 PM

(but nitpick: MU beings don't bleed).

There's been a bit of a debate about that I believe :P

Quite. Regardless, an equivalent process of slowly dying could be given a similar term in MU-language whether they bleed or not. I'm not sure how many different times I have seen something about that rise up on the S&T forum and I just decided to stick with humanizing MU beings since few people seem to care much in the realm of fanfic.And yes, Imegna is quite the character. She is multi-faceted (we've already seen her surprise everyone twice in her first two chapters - of course the second time was 'cause she had been blatantly lying to them earlier) and relatively unique. You will rather quickly see that she's a pretty spunky character despite her seemingly elegant and serious attitude at first. She has some of my personal favorite lines later on, but we'll get there when we get there. I'll look over that part that felt forced and check for anything else with similar awkwardness. If I find any, I'll truncate those areas before publishing them.

...Something tells me there's more to it than the combination of her elemental powers and her Kanohi, but I guess we'll find out if that's so...

Oh gee, I'm glad you brought that up! I almost forgot that I had meant to put in something that explains that later on. I'd just gone on into my own world writing and left one uber-powered Psionics Toa continuing to frolic around without explanation. For now, though, it all remains a secret... :ninja:Glad you all liked the developments and remember to check out the General Art and BBC topics when you have a chance.

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Now released, Lightfall's spinoff, The Sordid Shafts:
...everything will change for the war-torn city of Modos.

#17 Offline Angel Bob

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Posted Apr 23 2012 - 07:58 AM

The conversation with Imegna was simply brilliant, especially her stories of death across all continents... and then how those deaths had inspired others. If I was just a little more sentimental, it might have brought a tear to my eye....I really don't have anything else to say.
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New short story: AN EVEN EXCHANGE, featuring the Makuta of Stelt

#18 Offline Maganar

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Posted Apr 23 2012 - 09:51 PM

Don't worry, I understand that it is listed in the job description for DEMON LORDS that they are not allowed to show overt sentimentality or teariness. The least used organ of a well-trained DEMON LORD (short of the heart - they don't have those) is the lachrymal gland.

...I really don't have anything else to say.

Wait [looks around], I came that close to eliciting an emotional reaction from Lord Ghirahim ? Sweet! :smeag: [looks around again] Oh, he's coming back. Time to re-enter ninja stealth mode. :ninja: EDIT: And I celebrate my 100th post by putting the new chapters are up! These next two investigate Stelt's decrepit underbelly.

Edited by Maganar, Apr 23 2012 - 10:08 PM.

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Now released, Lightfall's spinoff, The Sordid Shafts:
...everything will change for the war-torn city of Modos.

#19 Offline The Iron Toa

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Posted May 10 2012 - 03:50 PM

Interesting. Neat idea with the rifts and realms, and the explanation of what the mysterious being is, as well as how Imegna's psionic abilities are so potent. Also Rynekaad. I wonder if he thinks he's doing the right thing by upholding order, or just concerned with money. Reminds me of a Toa in my story, except that character is deluded into thinking the Makuta are the good guys, and serves them unconditionally. I'm guessing that we'll see Rynekaad again sometime.My only complaint is that I don't understand how they got to Voya Nui. Unless I missed something, you neglected to explain how they got to an island that's far above the sky of their usual world.Also, you should consider two things in later story. For one, if anyone else finds out that the Toa and Guftivei know that the Order of Mata Nui exists, there could be trouble. They're willing to go far to protect their secrets, and their very existence is a secret, after all. Also, Umbra has a point about how the Makuta would benefit from the Light Ravager's... ravages. But if it goes too far, or attacks them, they would oppose it too. Just a couple things I thought of, I hope it doesn't sound like me dictating to you.PS: Oh, one more thing -- Brutaka seems to be complaining about the Order of Mata Nui, but calls them a group of cool dudes. Looks like a mistake to me.

Edited by The Iron Toa, May 11 2012 - 11:43 AM.

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#20 Offline Maganar

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Posted May 14 2012 - 10:26 PM

Interesting. Neat idea with the rifts and realms, and the explanation of what the mysterious being is, as well as how Imegna's psionic abilities are so potent. Also Rynekaad. I wonder if he thinks he's doing the right thing by upholding order, or just concerned with money. Reminds me of a Toa in my story, except that character is deluded into thinking the Makuta are the good guys, and serves them unconditionally. I'm guessing that we'll see Rynekaad again sometime.My only complaint is that I don't understand how they got to Voya Nui. Unless I missed something, you neglected to explain how they got to an island that's far above the sky of their usual world.Also, you should consider two things in later story. For one, if anyone else finds out that the Toa and Guftivei know that the Order of Mata Nui exists, there could be trouble. They're willing to go far to protect their secrets, and their very existence is a secret, after all. Also, Umbra has a point about how the Makuta would benefit from the Light Ravager's... ravages. But if it goes too far, or attacks them, they would oppose it too. Just a couple things I thought of, I hope it doesn't sound like me dictating to you.PS: Oh, one more thing -- Brutaka seems to be complaining about the Order of Mata Nui, but calls them a group of cool dudes. Looks like a mistake to me.

I'm very interested by your thoughts on Rynekaad. Why? Because they are almost an exact carbon-copy of my character outline for him while I was trying to get an image in my head. 'Grats. :sigh:We have had some similar things happen in canon that made no earthly sense whatsoever to me but that made just enough sense to be allowed to let slide. Toa Nuva to Voya Nui was almost an exact replica of this in terms of unexplained "Great Spirits ex machina" story loopholes. Matter of fact, it was the same island too wasn't it? I don't consciously recall formulating that chapter around that canon event, but I may have forgotten or it could be subconscious or coincidental. I intentionally decided not to detail this part in order to result in further complicating this storyline and to prevent potential inconsistencies with canon. It stands as is and retains its level of suspension of disbelief. Personally, I don't like having to sit with suspended disbelief as an answer but we were all relatively willing to with the main canon on this matter so I felt this would be alright.Oh, and there will be ramifications about the OoMN. That'll...be addressed in time. There are also reasons that will be addressed as to exactly why this much info, little as it was, was still divulged in the first place. Don't expect all of it to be cleared up quickly, though; some of this will be better explained in the sequel. :blink: Uh, yeah - definitely a mistake. The chat filter drastically misinterpreted something I'd written and ended up rewriting the sentence...strangely. It wasn't anything inappropriate, the filter just thought I was insulting someone because of Brutaka's rant monologue. It is for this reason I always proofread after I send the post, but that one slipped my gaze.You aren't being a dictator, don't worry. I actually appreciate this, as you are quick to point out any areas where potential plotholes could be forming. Should anything major be found, this sort of analysis would give me a chance to alter furhter chapters as necessary before any serious complications ensued.

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Now released, Lightfall's spinoff, The Sordid Shafts:
...everything will change for the war-torn city of Modos.

#21 Offline The Iron Toa

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Posted May 15 2012 - 12:42 PM

I'm happy you appreciate my reviews.If I recall correctly, the Toa Nuva came to Voya Nui in Toa Canisters that were launched into the sky from Metru Nui (and Toa Canisters can turn intangible). I understand now why you skipped your characters' journey to Voya Nui. I still think it would be better with an explanation, but skipping that part doesn't ruin the story.The word filter replaces the i-word that means 'stupid person' with 'cool dude', which explains what Brutaka said before you fixed it.
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#22 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted May 18 2012 - 02:32 PM

Well, I finally managed to read through all the stuff I missed, and I have to say my favourite part of this Part was the Steltian port fight scene, that was just great. I was pleasantly surprised to see some canon characters turn up, and Rynekaad... Well, we shall have to wait and see.Some stuff is kind of confusing at this point in time, but there isn't really anything I can say that hasn't been said already. Good job, and I look forward to Part 3 :)
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#23 Offline Maganar

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Posted May 20 2012 - 11:11 PM

I was pleasantly surprised to see some canon characters turn up, and Rynekaad... Well, we shall have to wait and see.Good job, and I look forward to Part 3 :)

As far as canon characters go, there they barely show in my works, but there are occasional glimpses. If you like seeing cameos like that, just wait until something coming up near the very,very end of the whole thing....Trust me, you'll like it. :nodlaugh:Speaking of both Rynekaad and Part 3... :sly: Heh, heh.EDIT: ...Just a little update. Adding a couple more chapters to keep you guys interested. Just warning all of you: Now would be probably be a bad time to become deeply attached to your favorite characters, whoever they may be...no one is safe! :evilgrin: Some will not survive, some will live, some will seem to die and then live, and others will seem to live and then die! :fear:

Edited by Maganar, May 21 2012 - 11:00 PM.

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#24 Offline The Iron Toa

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Posted May 23 2012 - 11:46 PM

Heh, well, it is getting intense now. I liked the illusion trick Imegna used in your latest post. And as of the last couple posts, now we have a better understanding of Rynekaad's motives. I'm eager to find out what attacked him with acid and what killed Falkhan. I noticed a couple typos, too. In Chapter 26, Emeder released a 'blast of concentrate air', I think you meant 'concentrated', and in Chapter 27, Imegna said of the Shadow Leeches "There all dead." Just a couple oversights, I'm sure.On the subject of story matter, though, were Shadow Leeches invented that early? I was under the impression they were new as of the Karda Nui arc, or maybe a few months older than that.
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#25 Offline Maganar

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Posted May 24 2012 - 09:19 PM

Ah, yes. My proofreading is getting sloppy. As for the Shadow Leeches, I don't believe it was ever mentioned when they were created. BS01 does not indicate exactly when, though it does mention that their primary design purpose was to deal with Av-Matoran, indicating you might have a point there, but look at this. Either way, the Makuta were scientists and the leeches released in Karda Nui seemed to be a final product. The first is rarely the final in science. This leech was meant to be a bit of a prototype anyway, to clarify. I think it's a reasonable assumption that some experimentation with light-draining mutant versions of kraata had been underway by this time as we aren't to far chronologically from the main arc.There are a couple things that might have indicated an earlier presence of Shadow Leeches in canon as well. The light-drained alternate Takas on Destral had clearly been a long-running project. While it is technically possible to have done that quickly (by side-stepping through timelines with the Olmak, but Tridax was only just getting the hang of it and that would require a lot of experience to do deliberately), it doesn't appear to have been. BS01 can give us some insight as to a timeframe on the page for Makuta Tridax, however.

Tridax worked with Mutran and Chirox to create the Shadow Leeches, using a Kanohi Olmak to deposit their failed experiments in various places across the Matoran Universe. Upon realizing that the mask could take him to other dimensions, Tridax gathered the alternate Takanuva from various dimensions and returned them to his. After doing so, he drained light of several of them with the Shadow Leeches, planning to produce an army of Shadow Toa.

This is a pretty lenghty process we're looking at here. It mentions failed experimental leeches (Oh, I just realized this confirms my earlier assumption about numerous experimental versions. Good to know.), which means that the experiments had been underway for some time - long enough for them to mess up several times, devise new plans of attack, and correct mistakes. Also, this seems to indicate that the entire experiment was done before Makuta presence in Karda Nui, because Tridax was never present there as far as we know and he apparently collaborated directly with Mutran and Chirox, who of course were present during the Karda Nui campaign.So I think that plot point is in the clear. If you're still skeptical (though I think I addressed your point adequately) the best I can do is say that it was an earlier prototype before the Av-Matoran-directed project began or that maybe some data slipped back in time with the Olmak and a little-know outpost started the project before being overrun and the research was lost only to be restarted when the Karda Nui campaign began. I personally feel those are stretching things quite a bit, though. My deductions based off of BS01's insinuations that it was a lengthier project than just the Karda Nui deployment seem to hold more water for me personally. Like I said, I think this plot point is in phase with canon.

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#26 Offline Angel Bob

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Posted May 29 2012 - 03:57 PM

Sorry I'm late, I was waylaid by flying monkeys. No, not really. School's a bear, but only one more day! (Of course, after that I'll have only a week's reprieve... then I'll be in Britain for about a month.)Anyway, things really are "heating up," as you said. It's good to have a name for the Light Ravager, and at least its backstory has been explained, though Umbra talks a bit more than my interpretation of him. :P The battle scenes are great, as usual, and I like the direction the story's going. Though there are a few things that stood out to me: 1. Imegna grew up in a village on an interdimensional Rift. Hmm... I suppose I'd have to admit I borrow elements from Doctor Who just as much, probably more.2. Falkhan's last words are fitting, but you didn't need to tell us that. XD The narrator was just a bit too eager on explaining why the quote was significant, but I think most of us had already deduced that.3. If I have one problem with any of the characters, it's Rykenaad's motivation. His actions seem a bit... silly to me. I could well understand him nursing a grudge against Tignioni and Emeder, even if it was only himself who made himself look foolish on that day, and if they were to return to Stelt it would make sense for Rykenaad to antagonize them some more. However, Rykenaad takes this up to eleven by leaving his job and hiring mercenaries to help eliminate the Toa. There's... a substantial leap in logic that I can't follow, but I'm sure you could imagine a good reason for Rykenaad's behavior. Perhaps he hadn't thought much of the Toa until something recently reminded him of them, or suggested he should take revenge... :shrugs:
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#27 Offline Maganar

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Posted May 29 2012 - 04:48 PM

Yeah, someone had to explain what's what... so I ended up with a pretty talkative Umbra.

1. Imegna grew up in a village on an interdimensional Rift. Hmm... I suppose I'd have to admit I borrow elements from Doctor Who just as much, probably more.

Oh WOW! :wired: I didn't even think of that, but um.... yeah. I suppose that's...just... wow. I didn't even notice the ridiculous parallel. I swear! :superfunny:Oh, and Rynekaad hasn't left his job. He is a mercenary - and he's splitting the bounty AlBeGam Corporation on Xia has put on Emeder and Guftivei's heads, which is apparently quite substantial by now. His willingness to involve others in this just to "guarantee" (Then again, it's not going so well right now) his success is where the part about revenge becomes involved. A desire to fulfill revenge did change the situation, but not because mercenaries suddenly became involved - it just changes the number involved. Rynekaad was actually a late addition to the plot, originally it was just going to involve the old baggage of AlBeGam mercenaries catching up around this point. That's of course part of the irony at the end of Part 1 when Guftivei claims he doubts a Toa would let themselves be sold out to their enemies - that's exactly what happened in the case of Rynekaad.As for the rest you said - I'll keep that in mind.On a final note, you probably missed this and I've since then changed my status, but I don't plan to update this any further until the Flash Fiction Marathon ends. I still can't get over the inadvertant Doctor Who parallel; I'm bemusedly smiling as I write this. I'm going to have to start referring to Imegna as "Pond" from now on! http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/tounge2.gif

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#28 Offline Angel Bob

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Posted Jun 05 2012 - 09:34 AM

Or Gwyneth, from The Unquiet Dead. I was actually thinking of her. Looks like Doctor Who uses its own plot elements time and time again! XD
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#29 Offline Maganar

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Posted Jun 05 2012 - 05:30 PM

Oh dear, I'd forgotten that one - but you're right! That may have been the earliest episode with a "Bad Wolf" line, but I digress on that. Yes, it seems that the concept is a recurring plot occurence in that series, brought up whenever benficial to the plotline! But rest assured, I'm willing to reveal that Imegna will be the only character we meet with such a history. An isolated case, if you will, so it won't become an overused plot device or anything of the like.
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#30 Offline The Iron Toa

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Posted Jun 28 2012 - 12:12 PM

Sorry I haven't reviewed for a while. I've been keeping up with the story, just haven't been sure what to post about it lately. I say I like it, it's still interesting and well-written. And good job finding the place to start a spin-off story.Now, about the things I don't like or understand: first, there are some spelling mistakes -- small words like 'it' being replaced by 'is', from what I've noticed. Also, maybe this is supposed to be a mystery, or just not important, but where did the acid that fell on Rynekaad come from? Tignioni's angry reaction in Chapter 31 was better than Emeder's earlier outburst, but there was still something off about it. I can't quite say what... well, one thing is that I didn't get the sense earlier that he was opposed to the killing that their plan would lead to. But it feels like a long time since I read the chapters about the assault on the Brotherhood fortress, so maybe I'm forgetting something. Anyway, it's a lot less awkward than Emeder's crazed reaction to being asked about the Light Ravager.There were a couple of things in the final battle that I think you could have done better. When the Light Ravager 'let loose a pulse of light energy that transformed into a shockwave', that didn't make a lot of sense to me. We've seen that users of Light can do things we can't do in real life like make light solid, but you could just as well have had it release a sudden flash that blinds everyone, and makes them stagger with surprise. And when Tignioni absorbed fire from the Ravager -- absorbing elemental Fire from a being of Light doesn't make sense to me. A better way of doing that would be saying that Tignioni could absorb the heat of the rays that it uses to incinerate its targets. That way he could siphon heat energy from it, as Toa of Fire can do, without saying that he's absorbing one element from a creature of another element.One more question: is the gn in Tignioni pronounced as in Italian? Is Tignioni pronounced Tig-ni-oni or Tinyioni? Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing the later chapters and Tignioni's separate story.
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#31 Offline Maganar

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Posted Jun 28 2012 - 03:35 PM

Always appreciate these. I'm going to number things so that my responsese don't jumble together.1. Acid was meant to be irrelevant. The fact that the origin of some of the attacks was never ascertained was supposed to help signify just how overwhelming the opposition Rynekaad's squad unknowingly blundered into.2. Part of the reason Tignioni enters a rant is becuase he never has expressed the self-disgust as he was feeling by doing this. He just put himself through the paces in the heat of the moment. So, no: there were no earlier hints to these underlying feelings. No need to reread the earlier chapters; you read it as it was written. The outburst was due to the feelings "bottling up" as some people say.3. I didn't go into the sci-fi physics behind what I was meaning with the shockwave thing because it would have broken continuity all up. I was seeing it as using a burst of light that extremely rapidly dissipated into infrared and heated the swirling debris field around it, consequently heating the air around itself. This process was supposed too have taken fractions of a second, causing a massive expansion outward of the air surrounding the Ravager, aka explosion/shockwave. On the surface, though, I can see just how illogical "spontaneous shockwave" seems. And since Bionicle universe physics don't necessarily play by our rules, I suppose an explanation using this many our-universe concepts stands on a bit of shaky ground. That was the reasoning behind it, anyway, just so you know it wasn't totally out of the blue.4. Ah... well, that's true. I was thinking of how I'd given the Light Ravager the ability to incinerate victims with beams of light (as you mentioned) and how that constituted heat (as you mentioned...) and how that was related to elemental control over fire (as you mentioned...*cringe*)... and then I somehow ended up writing something about siphoning off elemental fire from a elemental light being... Not sure how I got there in retrospect. Definitely one of the weakest moments in this story to date. Just as a reader, you wrote it more logically than I managed to. :( Well, live and learn, right? :) That's something for me to remember. Hm... maybe I should actually rewrite that little segment to reflect where I was actually trying to go.5. The name. I actually thought about that quite a bit. As someone who has always pronounced "Lewa" as "LEE-wa" and "Vezon" as "Vay-ZHON," I am a proponent of not bothering people about alternate pronounciations of fictitious names. Originally, I was saying "Tig-NEE-oh-NEE," but (even though that is not the Italian way to pronounce a "ng") I got this unshakeable feeling it sounded strangely... Italian. Now, I prefer it pronounced "Tig-NYUN-ee." It also works better with a pronounciation situation that arises in the spin-off as well, so if you want to use my fanonical pronounciation, that'll probably serve you well. But I don't care if you're in front of your monitor reading it "TIJ-nee-OWN-ghee" or "YOR-tun-HEF" (though you might want to talk to a psychologist if you're pronouncing it the second way!).Thanks again. I'm glad that where was only one question (4.) that my only answer was "Well, yeah. That could have been written a lot better." In a maddening marathon, I wrote all 28 pages of the spin-off epic within two weeks. Definitely rereading page by page to avoid things like Q4 arising, as it was obviously written very quickly.
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#32 Offline The Iron Toa

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Posted Jun 29 2012 - 04:56 PM

Whoa, The Sordid Shafts is already written? Cool.Alright, I understand your points 1-3. The acid confusion I think sprung from a difference in writing style between us, in the fight scenes I write, the source of every attack is usually known to (or can be inferred by) the reader, and I guess I tend to expect the same when I read. I think the Tignioni scene could be a little better, but like I said, I doubt I could do better myself and can't exactly say what was wrong with it. And your light shockwave makes sense to me now. I see why it would be kind of a long explanation to stick in the middle of a battle.As for Tignioni, I'm sorry, but I can't stop rhyming his name with 'macaroni' now. He's even yellow and red like pasta and tomato sauce (alright, brighter yellow that that, but still)! Oh God, I hope I didn't ruin anything for you with that. That was awful, but I couldn't resist.
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#33 Offline Maganar

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Posted Jun 30 2012 - 11:07 PM

Yes, The Sordid Shafts was just written (took a break from working on the sequel; one more chapter and I have part 1 of the sequel done). I just started my full proofread, though. I came across a decent assortment of cringe-inducing typos already, but it's shaping up. One more double-chapter-post and Part 3 of Lightfall will be up in full. Currently checking for any potential plot inconsistencies before posting...As noted above, I might fix the whole siphoning fiasco if I have the time. If I do, I'll give a little credit line to you for aiding in the revision process. Don't worry, I won't blare it out in huge letters and make it all awkward; it'll be discreet but noticeable.As for the macaroni... [Warning: puns inbound on your position.] I'm just getting "pasta" busy part of my summer, so I'll go and get around to "penne"-ng up a pronunciation guide to avoid further confusion from those who want to be sticklers to author-originated pronunciations. By the Great Rotini, I swear those were some of the worst pasta puns of all time! http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/sarcastic.gif

Edited by Maganar, Jun 30 2012 - 11:51 PM.

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#34 Offline The Iron Toa

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Posted Jul 18 2012 - 03:23 PM

I was wondering when those Gorrelian Hounds would show up. (I saw them on your Brickshelf a long time ago.) So, we have upcoming Toa gladiator action. Sounds fun, I kind of wish I had featured the arenas of Stelt in my stories somehow. Though in this time it seems extra risky for a Toa to sign up, there's a good chance someone in the audience might want him dead.Your description of the sonic disruption of the Shadow's hold on Emeder's mind was interesting, if a little strange. But you're not the one to come up with the idea of sound somehow breaking through that. So good job explaining it, and coming up with a more controlled alternative to sicking a Klakk on him. One word choice I have a question about is 'amoral'. That means not having anything to do with morality. 'Immoral' means going against morality. I guess either would do -- a Shadow-minded being could be both amoral and immoral -- but I'm not sure if that was the word you were looking for. Emeder testing his shadow powers reminded me of the Matoran to Toa transformation scenes I've written: the new Toa always have trouble keeping their powers in check when they first access them. We know from the canon that fine control of a Toa's element takes practice and concentration, so that's really no surprise that we came up with similar scenes.Overall, keep up the good work, I'll keep reading. Sorry I have not reviewed lately, I haven't had much criticism to offer. I have only one real concern with the latest developments, and that is: isn't Imegna rather short to pass for a Steltian leader (or of any class)? Maybe she can be wearing stilts under that cloak or something.
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#35 Offline Maganar

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Posted Jul 20 2012 - 01:09 AM

Ah yes, those pesky Hounds. The MOC was a 15 min build because I was just going for "ugly canine." I introduced them in here as a completely arbitrary addition, but later on I ended up with them being integral to the plot of The Sordid Shafts. You'll see why by the time that epic is over. Just... don't dismiss the Hounds when you read Shafts. I'm biding my time a little bit before I start posting it, but it will start up soon.Ah yes, 'amoral' isn't the inverse of 'moral.' Yeah, those were (obviously) inverses. Might go back and fix that. Probably when I put up the next chapters. Nice catch. Tricky word families messed me up.No criticism is fine as long as you haven't found anything worth noting. I mean, I doubt I'm a perfect writer and you have a knack for smoking out nasty little issues that hid themselves away from other prying eyes, but if there nothing there to smoke out... what are you supposed to criticize! That actually leaves me very relieved; as you might have been able to tell from my PM, I was very wary about this last posting because of stuff like the sonics weirdness you mentioned and whatnot. Yay for things working out in the end! :biggrin:Hm... may add a couple sentences to some of the chapters further on to deal with Imegna's height. I was kinda going on the fact we haven't gotten any decent canon descriptions of the Steltian species other than the lower class, but it's logical to assume, given Krekka's size, that probably the other classes didn't have minimalist statures either. Wouldn't be the first late addition. I introduce a couple characters that were only going to be in the sequel during part 4 once I realized a way to sneak them in early and smooth out the transition from Lightfall to :censored: :censored: :censored: , the sequel. Yeah, I'm censoring the title until release. I guess. I don't care much right now, but all I know is that you can't unrelease a title if you decide you really do want to put an air of mystery around it later on. I released the name of Shafts immediately only because it directly spins off right in the middle of the action.Finished Part 1 of :censored: :censored: :censored: . Will also be four parts, but the first part of the sequel will be crazy longer than any other part in either epic. So finishing part 1 was a milestone. Glad to be clear of that. Also drafting my next big project that I plan on starting after the Lightfall, The Sordid Shafts, etc. project is complete. All I'll say is that it will be set on Bara Magna and it may have an alternate universe spin-off. I can't make things simple ever, can I? :P

Edited by Maganar, Jul 20 2012 - 01:11 AM.

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#36 Offline The Iron Toa

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Posted Jul 20 2012 - 03:23 PM

Well, we do have an example of an upper-class Steltian in Sidorak. In set form, he's actually taller than Krekka. Though, personally, I imagine him as being a little taller than others of his species. Still, I doubt any Steltians are Toa-height (except for ones whose legs have been cut off or something).
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#37 Offline Maganar

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Posted Jul 20 2012 - 04:48 PM

Steltian amputees... now there's something I'd rather not think about! Just kidding.Oh yeah, he was, wasn't he? Don't know why that always escapes my mind... everytime someone brings that up for whatever reason I go "Oh yeah, I knew that!" and promptly fail to remember when it actually becomes relevant again.
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#38 Offline The Iron Toa

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Posted Jul 24 2012 - 01:28 AM

Release the hounds!I just had to say that.So that's what happened to that giant Steltian. I actually feel bad for him -- he was just doing his job one day, then he falls, nearly dies, and gets altered into a monstrous gladiator. Hey, I first assumed he was meant to be Krekka's species, but looking back -- is he, or is he the same species as Guardian? Imegna and Guftivei are funny in this chapter. Guftivei seems to be having unusual luck gambling, I have the feeling it can't last. I found a typo while I was reading: Imegna says about Rogog's fight with the chimera "it going to be a battle of the titans".I see you've come up with a way around Imegna's shortness giving her away. But I think she'll have some difficulty if she needs to move. I understood what was meant about her using her element to make people not notice the box, but there was a sentence in there trying to explain it that didn't quite seem right: "The perception filter forced his mind not to reject the possibility of looking at that point in space." That seems to me to be saying that it forced him to consider looking at that point, which seems like the opposite of the effect Imegna would want.I was just looking at clips from Web of Shadows and I noticed a detail I forgot about while writing my stories -- Sidorak seems to exhale steam or something. Now, I don't think you should force that in if it doesn't fit, but if you think a scene with the upper-class Steltians needs a little detail, there's an idea.

Edited by The Iron Toa, Jul 24 2012 - 01:31 AM.

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#39 Offline Maganar

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Posted Jul 24 2012 - 10:24 PM

Agh... yeah, last-minute save with the perception distortion sequence that I threw on after you brought up the point about Imegna being an entirely different height from the other audience members. Hence, I only proofread that once - while I had it open in the posting box. I rewrote that sentence three times and left behind an arbitrary "not" from a previous version of the sentence; thus, I reversed the meaning. Time to use the edit function...Other than that, thanks for the continued feedback. Wait, that sounds different from how I meant it. In addition to that, thanks for the continued feedback. There, that makes more sense.EDIT: Fixed those typos. And I completely forgot to address a couple other points that I had meant to. The Steltian was supposed to be a member of Krekka's species. And the other thing: yeah, have to feel sorry for that poor guy. The gladiatorial segment (which runs for most of Part 4, ironically) was not initially in the script until I decided that the shadow-reversion thing was not going to be some massive segment. Then Part 4 needed more stuff, I decided on this whole thing, I outlined the three challenges I wanted to include, and... BOOM! Suddenly I saw how the same character could make a suprising reappearance. It also brought up a fair point about unintended consequence from a thematic viewpoint. So I ended up with him returning to the plot in the end right here.Oh, and lastly, Imegna sure isn't going to be able to move around right now. If it hadn't been for the fact that I didn't need her moving around, I would have still had plot holes. Once in a while you just get lucky.

Edited by Maganar, Jul 24 2012 - 10:36 PM.

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#40 Offline Angel Bob

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Posted Aug 07 2012 - 09:04 PM

NOOOOOOOOOI had a great big review typed up and I accidentally backpedaled, losing all of it. Daaargh. >_<Well, what are you gonna do? Basically, I liked the plot devices you used: Tignioni's departure was a familiar plot development that I'm always fond of; in a story where the heroes partake in an epic journey, they'll inevitably leave at least one person behind in a poignant moment (used in classics such as The Odyssey and The Grapes of Wrath). I also liked the return of Rogog; when a previously dismissed character returns to hint at what they did with their life while the heroes did heroic things (one story that uses this to death is Rumo and His Miraculous Adventures, one of my favorites).In other news, I'm now going to stay up to date on this epic and possibly post one of my own soon: maybe Makuta Hunt or maybe another story... I have two good mini-series planned that I need to reveal soon, one of them being a reboot of an old story and one being set in the background of the "canon" universe like Makuta Hunt is.
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