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Posted Apr 03 2012 - 07:21 PM
Posted Jan 15 2013 - 06:48 PM
Hey there, Kanohi Essex! The Affably Evil Automaton here with a charity review on behalf of the ECC!
Starting off, let me just point out a couple of flaws I found in terms of grammar and the like.
the personal guard of Mata-Nui himself, were sent to Destral
All eyes turned to the sky, and a horrible sight greeted them
They spun around and around and around and around, until finally, the stars
stopped swirling, and they formed a shape no one had hoped to ever see again
First off, I’ve noticed that you use an almost excessive amount of commas throughout the prologue. Unfortunately it would be impractical to go through each and every one but I picked out these three quotes as they seemed to be the most pervasive problems. For one, even though you may pause during the sentence, a comma is not always required. For another, when using a conjunction you’re not required to precede them with a comma.
and the ship shoots forward and up through the sky
You changed tense here. What it should be is “and the ship shot forwards and up through the sky”. I’ll also mention how in this quote and the bit preceding it, you used “and” quite a few times.
Lewa flipped a switch on his steering wheel and began to maneuver it left and right
Should be “Manoeuver”
making sure that neither Teridax nor none of his minions
Should be “making sure that neither Teridax nor any of his minions”
Well, I think the first thing I want to mention is that while you said this was a reimaginging of the events of the Toa Inika era, what I found most surprising, and subsequently jarring, was that it was more accurately a reimagining of the Bionicle continuity entirely. That isn’t a complaint, mind, as creativity is something to be praised and that’s more than alive in this epic. I just feel that had you mentioned this fact beforehand, that this would have little connection to the universe most people are familiar with, then such initial details such as surnames and Vakama pulling out a microphone might not have come across as suddenly random.
For the most part, though, I like the imagination that seems to have gone into the creation of your world. The way it combines aspects of the human world and the Bionicle one is intriguing and interesting to see. At times the prospect of this paradise sounds a little too similar to the idea of Rapture from Bioshock, it being a sanctuary from the restrictions of morality and normality, but I can accept that as a coincidence at best. The way that you have it mould as best it can into the familiar universe of Bionicle is a nice touch and is at times fairly creative. I’ve never been a particular fan of Bionicle on Earth but I can appreciate how it would apply in this story here.
There is one major thing plot-wise that I just feel uncertain about and wish to bring up. In particular, the scene in which Kopaka offers a portion of his power to Vakama. Vakama seems hesitant to accept it yet the worst side effect of the process is that Kopaka becomes exhausted. He’s warned that his power won’t recover to which Kopaka then tells Vakama to give the power to Tahu’s son. Why? If Vakama can give Kopaka’s power away to another user, what’s preventing him from giving it back to its original owner? And most importantly, why Tahu? So far in the story, Kopaka and Tahu hadn’t had a single exchange of dialogue which makes his choice fairly random. Given his outburst earlier, wouldn’t it be more likely that he would give it to Gali’s off-spring? Perhaps if you’d built on their relationship a little more beforehand it might not have come across as so out of nowhere.
Another thing I feel the need to highlight is the dialogue, which can come across at times as fairly stilted. First and foremost is Kopaka’s quote during the first part, “I am not leaving you behind. You’re too important to me- - I mean us”. I mean, I know the intention was to depict Kopaka’s soft spot for Gali but as far as slips of the tongue go, that’s pretty extreme. My recommendation would be to try and weave emotions into the dialogue at least a little more subtly, not outright telling the reader about Kopaka’s feelings but perhaps instead giving hints for us to work it out for ourselves.
For the most part I have to say it’s pretty solidly written. With the exception of the aforementioned rather frequent usage of commas, the way that you describe both the island and its history is actually quite engaging and the scene in which the Toa escape from Teridax is appropriately fast-paced and entertaining.
Finally, just a few minor points, but I’d recommend that you do two things. First, familiarise yourself with BZPower’s word filter as there were a couple of occasions in which a sentence would be interrupted with a row of hash tags. Secondly, link your review topic at least once in the main topic so that readers don’t need to go through your profile to find it.
So in conclusion I think your epic has a lot of potential. Though the dialogue comes across as quite stiff and there are a few confusing moments, the actual world you’re creating and the way that you write it is engaging enough for me to be optimistic about the future of this story. I like what I see so far and I wish you the best of luck with the future.
Chapter four - Desire
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