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Rivalry

Vultraz Mazeka

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14 replies to this topic

#1 Offline L'Etranger

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Posted Apr 05 2012 - 01:46 PM

Rivalry

My heart pounded as I dived for my sword, my entire body leaping forward, hand outstretched, reaching for it’s leather-wrapped handle. My dive was interrupted by a swift, vicious kick into the ribs. My breath shot from my body, forcibly removed from my now-aching-lungs. My opponent, his red and maroon armor glistening, bent down, his sharp features contorted into a smile. “Don’t you ever learn?” He asked, his voice like fingernails across a chalkboard. “You’re not some hero. You’re not even a fighter. You may think that spirit’s all that matters, but take my word for it, skill with a blade trumps spirit any day.” He said as he lazily spun his sword with his hand. I instantly noticed the trademark spin, a move he always used before chopping down for a fatal blow.I swung my legs in a wide arc, low to the ground, knocking his legs out from underneath him. He cursed franticly as he fell backwards, his balance lost. I rolled forward, putting all my momentum into a tackle as soon as I came up. We fell backwards in a heap of curses and swings. He quickly gained the upper hand, thanks to his head-butting and kicking with vicious accuracy. I stood my ground for only a moment, quickly beaten down by the onslaught. As soon as I fell to the ground, I rolled. A good action, considering that as I did so, his blade struck where I formerly laid. Growing angry, he attempted to kick me once more in the ribs, but I caught the leg and pulled up, causing him to topple over, losing the grip of his sword. As he recovered, I caught the sword as I stood up. He went for my blade, but a whack to the head with the flat of the blade discouraged him.“See? That’s why you’re not able to protect people, or get your precious tablets back.” Vultraz said as he motioned towards the blade in my hand. “You could have killed me right there. Why didn’t you? Oh, that’s right. You’re not a villain.” He said, answering his own question. “You’re a weak-willed, Toa-loving, peace-keeping hero.” Vultraz said, making the word “Hero” sound like the vilest of insults. Fuming, I grabbed the other sword from where it laid, my fingers wrapping around it’s handle with ease. As I began to walk towards him, I swung the blades in a variety of ways, attempting to intimidate. Vultraz’s malevolent grin grew larger and larger as he scuttled backwards. “Good, good. I see you’re thinking about killing me. Why don’t you do it? I’ve killed loved ones of yours. So come on, show me what you’ve got, why don’t you?” He said.I faltered momentarily, and Vultraz scoffed. “You talk big. You’d never-” He started to say before I swung both swords in a downward stroke at him. Vultraz nimbly backflipped from where he was getting up, landing on his feet as he cursed in a surprised, almost happy fashion. “Perhaps I was wrong. Maybe you are a fighter,” he said as he lunged forward and ripped his blade from my grasp before I could stop him. “There’s only one way to see, though.” He said as he began to spin the sword all around himself, clearly showing more skill with the weapon than I had. Before I could make the first move, Vultraz darted forward and slashed, giving me only milliseconds to raise my guard, which I barely managed. Before I could go on the offensive, Vultraz went into a flurry of attacks, forcing me to grip the sword’s hilt with both hands, twirling it in arcs to parry every stroke he made.And there we stayed for minutes on minutes, dancing the deadly dance of battle.

Edited by Lord Darkon, Apr 20 2012 - 04:01 PM.

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#2 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Apr 07 2012 - 12:56 AM

Fuming, I grabbed the other sword from where it laid, by fingers wrapping around it’s handle with ease.

This should be 'my' fingers. This is the only spelling mistake I could find.Anyway, I really enjoyed this story. I liked how detailed you were in describing the fight, like with Vultraz spinning his sword in his hand before he tried to make a killing blow. His taunting of Mazeka (i'm assuming that is who the speaker is. :P), with him temptimg the Ko-Matoran to try to kill him, was very neat and thoughtout. If I had only one nitpick about this story, it would be that it didn't show who won the fight between these two. I kind of see the battle between Mazeka and Vultraz as the focus of the story, but I would've liked to see a victor at the end of it. That's just me, though. I still thought this was a good story. http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/cool.png
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Everyone is one choice away from being a bad guy in someone else's story.


#3 Offline L'Etranger

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Posted Apr 07 2012 - 10:33 AM

Error fixed. Anyway, thanks for the review! I thought that the ending would tease readers that way, leaving them to decide how it all ends... Apparently, it worked. :P
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#4 Offline The Renegade Emperor

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Posted Apr 10 2012 - 02:02 PM

I loved this one. The overall is great, but the ending is just perfect. I mean, "dancing the deadly dance of battle". The image and the sound of the words are amazing. Go on this way, Darkon!----- Lord of the Rings -----Titles: Dark Lord, Lord of Mordor, Lord of Gifts, Lord of Barad-Dûr, Lord of the Earth
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#5 Offline L'Etranger

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Posted Apr 10 2012 - 03:47 PM

Thanks for your review! Go on this way? I plan to.
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#6 Offline Athmos

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Posted Apr 12 2012 - 09:14 PM

This was really good! I don't like Myz nor Vulz very much, but this an entertaining read. The end was a golden nugget for me, letting the reader decide who wins.
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WIP


#7 Offline L'Etranger

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Posted Apr 12 2012 - 09:46 PM

Thank you! I myself, strangely enough, was never that big fan of those two either. I just felt like writing a fighting scene with a bad(bleep) villain.And I bleeped that out, not the word filter.
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#8 Offline Zaxvo

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Posted Apr 13 2012 - 09:42 PM

Ohh man. You were right, Darkon. This is great. the end is pure genius, the premise works really well, and even though it's relatively short, it's still excellent. Well done. Your imagery and description are amazing: I particularly love your description of Vultraz's voice, "like fingernails across a chalkboard." It's too perfect. And that the last sentence is simply sublime. If there's one thing I'd criticize, it's this passage.

He started to say before I swung both swords in a downward stroke at him. Vultraz cursed in a surprised, almost happy fashion. “Perhaps I was wrong. Maybe you are a fighter.” He said as he lunged forward and ripped his blade from my grasp before I could stop him.

I have a couple of problems. first, it's not entirely clear what's happening. Did Vultraz dodge? Did he back up? How did he avoid the Narrator's [I'm assuming it's Mazeka?] downward slash?The other thing is really minor: the period after "fighter" should be a comma, and the "He" shouldn't be capitalized. It flows better that way.Overall, great work. If you can't tell already, I love it. Well done!

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#9 Offline L'Etranger

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Posted Apr 13 2012 - 10:25 PM

Thank you for the encouraging review! I'll be sure to fix those errors, and add how Vultraz dodged.
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#10 Offline Zaxvo

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Posted Apr 14 2012 - 07:17 PM

Aha, that makes much more sense. Well done!
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#11 Offline L'Etranger

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Posted Apr 15 2012 - 05:44 PM

Thanks! Glad you liked it.
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#12 Offline Cederak

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Posted Apr 20 2012 - 01:31 PM

Hello, Lord Darkon, here is your official SSCC review. I must say, after reading "Blood on the Sand" not too long ago, I was a little excited about being assigned one of your stories. The dynamic that was created between Mazeka and Vultraz, despite coming along so late in the Bionicle storyline, always felt like the endless battle of good and evil between Batman and the Joker. These two entities are, as Matoran, pretty normal. But they are everything the other despises, not to mention that Vultraz has killed individuals that Mazeka cared about. Sure, the hole in my theory is that, unlike Batman, Mazeka is willing to kill, so it's not a perfect comparison. Moving on…In this little glimpse into the eternal (well eternal until Vultraz is kept in that universe where the white armored Teridax is from) battle between two deadly Matoran, I only ran across a single spelling issue and (possibly) a grammar one.

“Don’t you ever learn?” He asked,

Typically, the first word to follow an ending quotation mark is not capitalized, but you ignored that through your entire story. Consistency is key in writing, at which point some of the worst mistakes are merely called style. So I can overlook this, unless it was all unintentional.

I’ve killed love ones of yours.

I've killed loved ones of yours.As a title, I'm a little confused on what you meant by "Rivalry." The Google definition reads: Competition for the same objective or for superiority in the same field. Vultraz seems to be more of a nemesis than a rival to Mazeka, and even adversary would be an appropriate term.Giving credit where it's due though, you can certainly set the stage for a fight. If "Blood on the Sand" taught me anything, you are excellent at writing a battle scene. Because in the heat of battle, every little exertion, every step, can be critical to victory. You seem to be very aware of this, and make a point of vividly describing the precise actions of these two opponents. The tension is there and you really lead up to what could be an incredible finish.And then…it doesn't come. That last sentence unraveled everything for me. Let me level with you for a second here. Mazeka and Vultraz have an endless battle dynamic to them, as I said earlier, and there's no real way to end that. I was even disappointed when Greg just had Vultraz retained in another dimension, but this just feels like I've been shortchanged. And in a way, I feel like you've shortchanged yourself as a writer. "Rivalry" concludes with no resolution whatsoever and unlike certain stories that leave you wondering or wrap up on a cliffhanger, this seems lazy.Again, let me stress that I was very enthralled by the duel between Mazeka and Vultraz, the ending just failed to resonate with me, clearly brought on by the way you executed the finale. There's something more compelling about two enemies eventually parting ways, not giving a roundabout explanation of how much fight they have in them. It needs that touch of "You haven't seen the last of me!" or, to reference one of my favorite childhood shows, "I'll get you next time, Gadget!" Looking at the responses, there is a consensus that your ending was "perfect," "sublime," and "pure genius." Perhaps I'm missing something, but for now, I stand by my examination. "Rivalry" is a heated battle with strong dialogue and a conclusion that leaves something to be desired. Keep at it, Lord Darkon.-Ced

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#13 Offline L'Etranger

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Posted Apr 20 2012 - 04:06 PM

Thank you for your review, which was very insightful. When I first wrote this story, I couldn't decide on what to name it, so I choose something random. As you can tell, not a intelligent or thought-out idea. Your insight on the end was very interesting, and as I re-read it, I saw everything you said. I'm now beginning to dislike it, but I'll keep it, because I really dislike changing large parts of my story. Thank you for pointing that out, though. I'll be sure to consider that the next time I write. Also, I had no idea that after an quotation it remains uncapitalized.Thank you for your time and thoughts!
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#14 Offline Makuta Matata

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 08:02 PM

Error fixed. Anyway, thanks for the review! I thought that the ending would tease readers that way, leaving them to decide how it all ends... Apparently, it worked. :P

Well, it's obvious that neither of them dies, because they both appear later on in the story. But still, awesome job! I really loved this. The ending was kinda abrupt, though. XD

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( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


#15 Offline L'Etranger

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 08:16 PM

Yep. How I wanted it to be. Something that made readers want more. The fact I used Canon characters did mess that up, though. Thanks for your time!
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