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Genakex's Journal


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153 replies to this topic

#81 Offline Greninja #0579

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Posted Jul 11 2012 - 09:16 AM

I welcome the critique feel--it's very helpful in figuring out what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong! :D
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#82 Offline Keizah the Kaleidoscope

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Posted Jul 15 2012 - 07:57 PM

I welcome the critique feel--it's very helpful in figuring out what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong! :biggrin:

Oh, okay, as long as I'm not coming across as a snob or that one evil English teacher we all had somewhere in elementary school. :P

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#83 Offline Greninja #0579

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Posted Jul 17 2012 - 01:25 PM

Eighth grade... *eye twitch* Don't worry, it's not a problem at all! :DChapter 21 is up and the Consortium begins its attack. The main focus of this chapter is Cell--we get to see him in action and learn what makes him 'special'. I'll try to get the next chapter (which will finish off this attack...yeah, it's a quick one) up as soon as I can, and then there'll be just a few more chapters before we end Onu-Isle. Haven't exactly started writing Ko-Isle yet, but...I'll get to that soon. :P
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#84 Offline Keizah the Kaleidoscope

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Posted Jul 17 2012 - 03:26 PM

Oh my...Buu vs. Voyager? Seems we have a battle of imitators ahead of us, unless Voyager's effect works differently in the story. Also, good idea having the lightning rod be an actual spear, makes much more sense than having it generate randomly whenever he uses the attack.On to the main battle portion, I appreciate how you fleshed out the battle using dialogue and banter, although I'm not sure what the Cell Jr. thing was about...maybe it's because I'm not familiar with Dragon Ball. :shrugs:

Edited by Keizah the Kaleidoscope, Jul 17 2012 - 03:27 PM.

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#85 Offline Greninja #0579

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Posted Jul 17 2012 - 05:38 PM

Well, Voyager will switch opponents in the next chapter, but his effect does work normally. I went with the spear because it was mentioned in the appearance you sent for Exo-Gahlok, and I just figured it would carry over to Voyager. The Cell Jr thing...sorry, just wanted to go through as many of Cell's attacks as possible, probably should've done more with that.
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#86 Offline Nevermore

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Posted Jul 20 2012 - 01:38 PM

Buu is pretty creepy, I mean, something about him is just wrong. Frieza is a wimp, does he always lose? And Cell is odd, just odd. I also don't understand why Gambler didn't do anything, he stood there and watched while his trio of subordinates got the socks beaten out of them. So Cell has a soul, cool. So would it be unreasonable to guess that Buu and Frieza do also? And since Cell has a soul and can thus access his full power, would Legendaries and "special" spirits like Omni, Dread and the Freres also have souls?
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#87 Offline Greninja #0579

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Posted Jul 20 2012 - 02:37 PM

Buu has always been a bit odd--I'll take it as a sign that I've transplanted him properly. :PFrieza doesn't have the best record, but he usually does fairly well in combat. He's just been getting some bad match-ups recently.Cell's story is just getting started! Be sure to keep an eye on him as things continue to unfold...I still need to point this out in the story, but Division Heads are not allowed to fight unless ordered otherwise. The in-universe reason is still being worked out, but it's mainly so that the main characters won't get killed off too soon, ahaha...Buu and Frieza are humans using Spirits; the Buu Spirit alters the user's body to allow for strange contortions, and as for the way he acts...well, that will get explained eventually. Yes, all sentient Spirits have souls, although some of the ones we've seen still prefer to team up with human users.I think we all know what's coming next chapter, but I should warn you that the main event is rather one-sided. Should be a new experience for most of the characters, though...after that is an "aftermath" chapter to try and move some development along, and after that is Genakex's battle with Onupara, where he finally breaks out a Spirit that should keep things interesting for a long time.
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#88 Offline Phoenixian Wraith

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Posted Jul 20 2012 - 06:02 PM

From what I remember of DBZ, you inserted Buu perfectly. I'd say his human 'host' is either insane, brainwashed or unconscious... Though I'd be happy to be proven otherwise.Might I say, you seem to have a bit of fun bringing Phaenyx into the group. Titan didn't seem to mind much either save for Phaenyx saving Tahra. Overall, another awesome chapter!
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#89 Offline Nevermore

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Posted Jul 21 2012 - 01:10 PM

Are Sentient/Legendary Spirits made with the ability to access the same level of power Cell used, or do they have to learn it?
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#90 Offline Greninja #0579

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Posted Jul 21 2012 - 01:26 PM

Buu's case is a bit unlike what we've seen in the series so far, and I'll give you your first look at it in Chapter 24. There's a very good reason for why he's always hooked up to the wall...Phaenyx is a fun character, so I'm running with him a bit. :P I wanted to make sure Genakex wasn't the only one we saw using Titan, and Phaenyx seemed like the perfect alternate, during this scenario at least.Legendary Spirits have access to their full power as soon as they come to life, but Spirits made sentient through other means generally need to practice a bit.Chapter 23 is up, showing our first Battle of Kings! For reasons of continuity, it's not the most interesting fight, but I promise these King battles will get much better as the stories go on! It also sets up for a sub-plot I intend to revisit at various points throughout the epic, mainly as a way to make myself work more on Valxan and Voyager--since I determined they'd be the 'friendly' King and Champion, I kind of neglected to give them real characters...I promise to work on that too.
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#91 Offline Nevermore

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Posted Jul 21 2012 - 03:03 PM

Interesting... Valxan is both lucky and good, Bahrag's Wager was quite risky. What is Exo-Kohrak Kal's Royal Awakening? The closest thing it has is Strike of the Twins.
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#92 Offline Greninja #0579

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Posted Jul 21 2012 - 03:29 PM

Strike of the Twins is the King of Kohrak's Royal Awakening, yes. It's not quite as powerful as most Awakenings, but it has no use limit in exchange--the reasons for this will be dealt with when Abomination is introduced in the story, which *SPOILER ALERT* is soon.
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#93 Offline Phoenixian Wraith

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Posted Jul 21 2012 - 05:31 PM

Wow... I designed Phaenyx and sometimes I want to smack him upside the head.. Voyagers lookin to be my fave King at this point. All in all, another sweet chapter. Can't wait to find out Xyla's problem against Stone types, though...
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#94 Offline Keizah the Kaleidoscope

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Posted Jul 21 2012 - 09:35 PM

And again, Tahra surprises us all with her insight into the other characters. It's a really interesting twist on her "aggressive" personality type; it seems she might actually a rather caring person underneath all her gruffness. I guess that could be part of the reason she delayed her quest to take care of her father...Voyager seems to have a very different approach to the war than Titan. Since he's interested in Genekex's development, I doubt he actually sees him as a competitor. I wonder if he's interested in the throne at all, or if his real goal is to end or prolong the war some other way... Anyway, I love how you interpreted Voyager's Royal Awakening, I always thought he could use more card-based attacks. :)I'm not sure whether they're intentional or not, but the parallels between Titan and Genekex's father are really intriguing. I'm guessing that a lot of his personal growth is going to come about as a result of learning to stand up for himself, since it seems to be a recurring theme for him.

Edited by Keizah the Kaleidoscope, Jul 22 2012 - 08:51 PM.

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#95 Offline Greninja #0579

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Posted Jul 24 2012 - 02:08 PM

Well, Voyager's only competition at this point is the ever-arrogant Titan, so it's only natural he's a favorite. :D (For now...)Xyla's concerns are more or less explained in Chapter 24, hopefully will answer your questions.We get to hear a lot from Tahra in Chapter 24. I'm eager to see if she's still well-liked after this chapter...Voyager doesn't really want to win, but if he had the opportunity to end the possibilities of the other Kings taking over the world, he would take it. For now, though, he just wants to take a back seat and see how things play out, and he's concerned about Genakex's safety due to the fact that he is definitely not ready to fight the other Kings.Glad you liked the Awakening! It's our first glimpse at a King Bohrok's real power, so I wanted it to be interesting.I wanted each of the main characters to have a specific problem that I can (hopefully) show them working through as the story progresses. I also want to see if I can add additional layers to these problems with every island, but not resolving them before the arc ends like I have in the past. If it goes well, I'm thinking it should make the whole story flow better opposed to the arcs being separate stories.Chapter 24 is up! It tells us a little more about Buu, informs us of how Virulence and Gambler punish their agents, sets up Freiza and Cell's next job, and then shows some dialogue between Tahra and Kytan that takes up most of the chapter. Next chapter will finish the Onu-isle arc and get you caught up to where I am with the writing. I will definitely get this chapter up before the new Kingdom Hearts game comes out. :P
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#96 Offline Keizah the Kaleidoscope

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Posted Jul 25 2012 - 10:48 AM

Wow, it seems that every chapter brings a new, unique perspective. I had not considered that someone might support others for selfish reasons, but it really makes sense after reading that scene. On the other hand, there is such a thing as self-deception; she might simply be incapable of seeing herself in a positive light.Also, I love how Kytan and Genakex react to abandonment in completely different ways. It's hard to get the older/younger sibling dynamics just right, but you're pulling it off somehow.

Edited by Keizah the Kaleidoscope, Jul 26 2012 - 02:36 PM.

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#97 Offline Phoenixian Wraith

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Posted Jul 26 2012 - 08:45 AM

Hmm I don't know whether to comment on Tahra's behaviour or not, seeing as how Keizah has gone rather in depth about it... Mind you, he/she has superbly picked up that the Ikhav brothers are well designed and that they both have different reactions that fit in perfectly with their characteristics.I can understand Xyla's reaction now, so please beg my pardon for revealing - she feels that by choosing Air over Stone, therefore alienating her immediate family from the rest simply accepting it, she has no choice but to see it through to the end. However, I feel that at some point later in the story, she will begin using Stone moves, even if only rarely. If I've spoiled the plot, I'm sorry :*(. I can always edit though.
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#98 Offline Greninja #0579

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Posted Jul 27 2012 - 02:56 PM

Sorry for sneaking so much pessimistic philosophy into the story, just wanted to establish the mood. :PI haven't really decided if Xyla will use Stone at any point in the story--I'm still trying to decide if I should have her stick with Breez 4.0 or find a different (stronger) signature Orb for her...plus, my plans for the second half of the story are pretty vague at this point. Guess we'll just have to see how Xyla develops.Chapter 25 is up, and with this, you guys are caught up to where I'm writing. Translation: It will be a fair while before the next chapter is posted. D: Sorry...I will update Exo's Desk very soon, and I will be sure to kick myself into writing Ko-Isle so you guys don't have to wait too long. Although I definitely won't get it typed anytime soon, since, you know...new Kingdom Hearts. Haha...but I usually don't put them down once I get them, so I should be able to beat it fairly swiftly. And then the Spirit List will expand... (Which is good news since most of the KH Spirits I make will probably be Psionic. Yay for more Psionic Spirits!)
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#99 Offline Phoenixian Wraith

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Posted Jul 27 2012 - 06:08 PM

Another great chapter. Genakex sure showed Titan eh? Smart aleck warmonger...Hey it you want more Psionic (or any Element really) Spirits you should just ask! We, your loyal readers, will be only too happy to help out... Or at least I will XD

Edited by Phoenixian Wraith, Jul 27 2012 - 06:09 PM.

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#100 Offline Nevermore

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Posted Jul 27 2012 - 08:03 PM

^Same here, Psionics is a cool element. I think that Tahra is becoming more interesting with every chapter, and when she was talking with Kytan about her rather pessimistic views on human nature I just kept getting the feeling that she doesn't really believe it, I've had times where I've reacted similarly but it was just an outlet for my anger. Ugh, now I'm getting philosophical. Buu also is becoming quite fascinating, I'll working on a few theories about the tantalizingly mysterious CYAN, which might be an acronym?
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#101 Offline Greninja #0579

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Posted Jul 28 2012 - 09:40 AM

I just think it'd be wierd to request certain Spirits outside of a contest, but I don't really have anything to give as a prize for a contest. You guys should make whatever Spirits you like!We have a lot more to learn about Tahra, so be sure to keep an eye on her!CYAN may be an acronym, but it may not. (To be honest I haven't 100% decided. :P ) It is, however, a very rare substance with devastating effects on the mind, as Buu quite clearly displays. More about it will be revealed later on, but for now it's going to remain a secret since it's a crucial part of Buu's backstory.I've begun Chapter 26, the first Chapter of Ko-Isle, but progress is slower than I'd like...it seems wierd to introduce three new characters at this point, even if two of them will only be around for this arc. As for who these temporary characters are, we haven't seen them before, but they're related to some characters we know very well...
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#102 Offline Keizah the Kaleidoscope

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Posted Aug 11 2012 - 09:52 PM

Hmm I don't know whether to comment on Tahra's behaviour or not, seeing as how Keizah has gone rather in depth about it... Mind you, he/she has superbly picked up that the Ikhav brothers are well designed and that they both have different reactions that fit in perfectly with their characteristics.

Why thank you! Oh, and I'm a guy, I guess the female avatar and my unusually polite way of speaking might confuse that issue a little bit...I think I mimic my older sister a little too much... http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/embarassed.gif On to the chapter review, Genekex seems to share his brother's preference for versatile battle strategies. Gurren Lagann's attacks have a bunch of nifty side-effects, and Exo-Skrall MW's weapons seem to work well with that moveset.

Edited by Keizah the Kaleidoscope, Aug 11 2012 - 10:03 PM.

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#103 Offline Phoenixian Wraith

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Posted Aug 12 2012 - 01:25 AM

Ah, no worries, it's actually a refreshing change from "LOL U gt srvd liek BYG tim" textspeak ^.^And your right, Genakex does seem to have picked up his brothers style, though judging from his comment at the end he wasn't aware he'd made a strategy... Could be wrong.
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#104 Offline Greninja #0579

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Posted Aug 12 2012 - 09:55 AM

Genakex is gradually shifting towards a more intelligent style of battling, primarily because he's excited to utilize Gurren Lagann's Combine technique in the most effective ways possible. He spends more time thinking about which Spirit to combine with, which in turn leads to him thinking more strategically in general, even though he's not aware of it right now.I'll definitely get Chapter 26 up sometime this week, though I can't be sure which day--there are a few events that will be taking up decent amounts of my time...
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#105 Offline Phoenixian Wraith

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Posted Aug 12 2012 - 10:39 AM

*Taps fist into hand* I see... Genakex would most likely be picking that up by watching Kytan fight.
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#106 Offline Greninja #0579

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Posted Aug 16 2012 - 11:46 AM

The new chapter is finally up! Sorry it took so long. This chapter drops us off on Ko-Isle and introduces two new (temporary) characters, who long-time readers may find significant...I've actually gotten pretty far into Chapter 27, so the wait for the next chapter shouldn't be too long. Since there's less action this time, I want to try even harder to focus on interactions between the characters, both the already established ones, these temporary characters, and the new addition to the main group who will be introduced in this arc...time to see if I'm up for it, ahaha...
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#107 Offline Keizah the Kaleidoscope

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Posted Aug 20 2012 - 10:11 PM

I was seriously expecting this chapter to begin with the caption "One off-screen beatdown later...." :burnmad: :uhoh:Genekex and Takashi seriously needs to learn to avoid offending people so often. This chapter had a nice "behind the scenes" vibe to it, especially the scene of Tahra lending Xyla her Jack Corvus. I know it provides more of a sense of suspense for the Element Lord battles to keep the orbs concealed, but an occasional glimpse like this is great. Having Kytan take Tahra's criticism in a positive light was an interesting twist. On a side note, the dialogue between Kytan and Tahra seems more mature than the other characters, maybe it's because they're more used to taking leadership roles. ^_^Also, I really liked the scene near the end. It seems that a lot of the character's unusual appearances tend to get passed over as part of the "other world" mystique, so it's kind of refreshing (in a twisted way) to see an example of that type of prejudice in Bioni-Lords. :popcorn:

Edited by Keizah the Kaleidoscope, Aug 20 2012 - 10:27 PM.

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#108 Offline Phoenixian Wraith

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Posted Aug 23 2012 - 09:21 PM

Keizah I don't think they intentionally offend people... they say something and it turns out it's not the smartest :nodlaugh: And again you 'steal' most of the fine points of the story.
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#109 Offline Greninja #0579

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Posted Sep 13 2012 - 03:47 PM

That probably would've been a better way to start the chapter off. :PYeah, Genakex and Takashi don't intentionally offend people, they're just not that bright. You're right, though, it does need to change, else they could put themselves in mortal peril...I was hoping they'd seem more mature than the rest. The reason Kytan acts so mature is because he feels a need to provide an alternate role model for Genakex, since he doesn't follow Khazror's model so well. As for Tahra, that should become clear in future story developments, but yes, she is used to taking charge.Glad it went over well--I was a little worried the situation would seem too similar to Hyohana's, which is part of why I was sure to make Samuko far more vocal.Finally got Chapter 28 up! The main event is Phaenyx vs Stratoro, but at the end we get our first look at a new character who will be properly introduced soon. I'm going to get started on Chapter 29 either today or tomorrow, and I'm hoping to get it up sometime next week so there's not too much of a wait. I want to have a few more battles before we check back in with Valxan, and after that a strange development will take place...
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#110 Offline Nevermore

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Posted Sep 13 2012 - 05:03 PM

Good battle, I really like Stratoro , he's a very imteresting character and his tendency to interrupt his challengers with attacks is pretty funny. Also I want to say that you got my GS perfectly, that is exactly how I envisioned him.
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#111 Offline Phoenixian Wraith

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Posted Sep 13 2012 - 06:42 PM

Good chapter, especially loved how much Stratoro was more or less irritating Phaenyx with silence. And that was possibly the best way to bring Phaenyx's age to light!Nevermore, your GS is in the best of hands here!
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#112 Offline Keizah the Kaleidoscope

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Posted Sep 14 2012 - 05:09 PM

“Sweet! Shadow beats Steel!” Phaenyx exclaimed.“But he can use Ancestor Fusion to eliminate his weaknesses,” Genakex pointed out.

You know something's wrong when Genekex is out-thinking you.I kid. :PAnywho, it was pretty funny to see Phaenyx's personality clash with Stratoro. I like how Stratoro's personality isn't quiet in the "cool" sense, but rather in the "off-putting" sense. Also, I love how these arcs have focused on the simpler strategic elements (weaknesses, abilities, etc.), especially since they tend to become less important in the "endgame" after characters start to develop Hidden Arts.

Edited by Keizah the Kaleidoscope, Sep 14 2012 - 05:11 PM.

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#113 Offline Greninja #0579

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Posted Sep 17 2012 - 05:49 PM

Darn, I wanted to make Stratoro hateable! D: Oh well, so long as he has personality.I'm sorry I haven't had Zane more active in the arc thus far; I was trying to find a good way to introduce him, and I'm also working on how to get him into the group. (I have something in mind.) He gets named next chapter, but, unfortunately, he still doesn't play a particularly large part...I promise to try to make up for this in future arcs.Here I was worried I inserted Phaenyx's age too casually!Genakex is improving...slowly. :PI suppose I do drop pretty much everything else when the main characters get powerful enough to imitate anime heroes...I shall have to keep this in mind as I continue...I finished writing Chapter 29 today, so hopefully I'll be able to at least start typing it tomorrow. I'll get started on 30 soon, but I doubt it'll be done before Thursday, and since that's when the Tokyo Game Show is starting, I'll be pretty distracted until Sunday/Monday, ahahaha...Any delays in starting Chapter 30 will be indecision over how to develop Valxan. I'm trying to make the characters in Kako not flat-out "good people," so I'm wondering how to balance that against the "only friendly Va Champion" thing...whatever I put in this chapter may be retconned taken in a different direction at later parts of this side plotline. I'll do my best to be consistent!
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#114 Offline Phoenixian Wraith

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Posted Sep 18 2012 - 03:38 PM

Wow... another first in this series - pretty sure I haven't EVER heard mention of throwing your own teammate at your opponent as a strategy...Hope it works though.
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#115 Offline Keizah the Kaleidoscope

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Posted Sep 20 2012 - 09:06 AM

Wow... another first in this series - pretty sure I haven't EVER heard mention of throwing your own teammate at your opponent as a strategy...

Hehe, ironically enough, it seems to be one of the most common battle strategies in the "Fairy Tail" manga. Or perhaps just a recurring joke. :PI hope I'm not annoying anyone by gushing about the emotional depth every chapter, but...you seriously were right on with Xyla's reaction to Tahra's confidence. I can remember those exact thoughts going through my head when I had performance anxiety.

Edited by Keizah the Kaleidoscope, Sep 20 2012 - 10:45 AM.

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#116 Offline Greninja #0579

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Posted Sep 24 2012 - 06:16 PM

Tahra does have a habit of breaking tradition, after all. :PIt's not annoying at all--I thank you for continuing to share your thoughts!For some reason I just now thought of adding links to the Bioni-Lords websites to the first post...sorry I didn't get that sooner.Also, Chapter 30 is up! Here we check back in with Valxan and see how he's doing in his investigation. After this we'll get back to Ko-Isle, where things begin to get more complicated...
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#117 Offline Keizah the Kaleidoscope

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Posted Sep 25 2012 - 03:50 PM

Wow...I think this chapter may very well be one of my favorites. I had to reread it a couple times just to organize my thoughts.Valxan's materialism was a really good call, it adds a lot to his design. It makes sense that the Va Champions have all had their personalities twisted in some way or another by the power of the King Bohrok. What's the expression? "Absolute power corrupts absolutely?" However, Valxan is still probably the most "moral" Va Champion, simply because he is aware that there is something wrong with his personality yet still able to live with himself.Should have mentioned this a while ago, but I noticed back when you were explaining the origins of the King Bohrok, the characters seemed to have some awareness of who the Toa, Bohrok, and Bahrag Queens were. Does this confirm my suspicion that the Bionicle universe is essentially the Bioni-Lords' mythology?Using a modified Russian Roulette as punishment is just brilliant, and it shows how reliant Gambler is on luck. Also, it makes more logistical sense than Virulence's "slap on the hand" gas or Meurtrière's flat-out murder. Of course, I guess different types of agents may need different kinds of "incentive." So far, it seems that Meurtrière's division specializes in assassination, Virulence's agents seem best at intimidation/terrorism, and Gambler's division might specialize in infiltration (or at least the Suit Bosses)...Also, I like how the characters are capable of doing actions that are not technically "attacks" (punching, kicking, utilizing their armor, etc.), it makes the battles just a little more exciting and unpredictable.

Edited by Keizah the Kaleidoscope, Sep 26 2012 - 03:30 PM.

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#118 Offline Greninja #0579

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Posted Oct 01 2012 - 03:57 PM

Glad I'm getting somewhere with Valxan. I'm a little stuck on developing Voyager, though, since he's already gone from frenzied conqueror to wise elder as a part of his backstory and I'm not sure what's next for him...Yes, the Bionicle timeline is well-known in the Bioni-Lords society, and I suppose it could be compared to mythology--it's a background for the Spirits they use, as a way of having more appreciation for them, although no one is quite sure how an entire species of Spirits arose from each character. It keeps a little mystery that way.(On a related note, the Bioni-Lords are also aware of just about every other story that has Bioni-Spirits drawn from it--Pokemon, Kingdom Hearts, Hero Factory, etc--but, for obvious reasons, Bionicle is generally the most relevant. In a way, it's widely known that Bioni-Spirits have some strange connection to other worlds, but no one has a clue what that connection is. The Element-Lords, since they are aware of the origin of the Bioni-Lords Universe, have a better idea, but even Norscu hasn't gotten it 100% figured out.)I was a little worried the Russian Roulette would be too intense. :P I wanted to make sure each Division Head had a different method of punishment that suited either their Division or them specifically, and I'll warn you that we haven't seen the most horrifying one yet. (*cough*Contrivance*cough*) I'll write a scene at some point where all the Division Heads are rounded up and have their titles listed off, but for the time being I'll just do it here: Meurtrière is Head of the Assassination Division, Gambler is Head of the Gambling and Smuggling Division (which does include infiltration; in a sense, it's a bit of a "Jack of all Trades" Division :P ), and Virulence is Head of the Military Division (standard troops without any specialty); Garland, Millennium Earl, and one other agent with considerable rank don't have specific Divisions; and the two Divisions we haven't seen yet are the Science Division and, as CTK described it, the "Shock Trooper Division" (heavy artillery). The Science Division will be important on Le-Isle, and I want to try and formally introduce the shock troopers on Ga-Isle.Using "unofficial attacks" is something I want to try and do a little more, but I want to limit it to Perfect Fusion battles. Since normal battles use fixed damage amounts and FE values, I keep track of everything so that if anyone wants to look at the files and follow along to fact-check me, they can. At one point I had a rule that punches and kicks dealt 5 damage, but now I'm wondering...Finished writing Chapter 31 today, felt bad for torturing one of the main characters. I might be able to get it typed this week, but first I need to make myself update some character files on Exo's Desk and add Stratoro's file. I don't think I have too much homework, but we'll have to wait and see, I suppose.

Edited by Dinobot Pahrak, Oct 01 2012 - 05:40 PM.

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#119 Offline Nick Silverpen

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Posted Oct 01 2012 - 11:56 PM

Hey there Dinobot Pahrak, Nick Silverpen with your ECC Review, as requested. First off, I enjoy the setup for the flashback, as your characters have a good frame for the story, emphasizing its importance. Though the prologue is not the smoothest, the beginning of your first chapter makes up for it, entering the flashback with a mysterious hook to draw the reader in. Human-Bionicle crossovers intrigue me, especially the familial relationships between the characters. You do manage to fit it well into your plot, however, and you write briefly about Genakex's motivations as a character coming from that, which adds to the story. The writing at the beginning seems very "young", I feel, and comic bookish throughout the entire story. This is not bad at all, since it shows your skill as a writer developing the more you write. It is a ton of dialogue here, and it fits the genre, an adventure, comic book feel to the story. However, I do feel as though some of your dialogue between characters is occasionally sometimes unnecessary. Yes, they are kids, but not all small talk needs to be put in to show that they are children- instead focus on the language they're using. Also, in the beginning, your dialogue tends to override much of the actual script, and there is rarely description or traits shown by the characters. This gradually improves the more I've read, so good job on working on that. The battles I am a little confused about, but this is probably since I am jumping right into Book 3 of this series. It seems very Pokemon/Yu-Gi-Oh style, with characters shouting out there every move. It contributes to the fun atmosphere surrounding Genakex and the group's adventure, but does tend to be a little too quick and random to what I've been following. Though your writing is entertaining, you do add "unnecessary fluff" in the story, as when Titan appears in Chapter 5:"Two thighs resembling torsos of Toa were all it had for legs, and two large curved spikes ran alongside each thigh in a way that resembled swords of a kind"-of some kind could be omitted, it being already noted that that thigh armor has some shape of a sword. -Giving way to a massive hand with four oversized fingers: The size and bulk seem overly repetitive here; some of your descriptions are good, but they don't have to keep looping around to each trait again. While it does seem like a lighthearted book, it's good to see the motifs come in with family and tradition- it adds a layer of depth to the characters, and explores them a bit, such as their motives for leaving home to go on this adventure, especially with Genakex and his brother. The conflict Tahra has with her family and tradition starts to give the story a step up from the comic book stage, and sets a good focus for quite a few chapters. Jumping ahead to Chapter 18, it does not seem clear what you mean by your opener with the Spirit and the Lost Continent- a place devoid of Bioni-Lords/ Spirits, because of their status, and then this random appearance of a Spirit? It doesn't seem to connect with how the spirit's presence starts off the chapter. The tone also jumps from sinister to comical in a way that doesn't quite fit the passage- just an observation.Your epic, with all of the little side plots that tie into the story, fit it into the genre of epic- the Kal each from an alternate timeline meeting, and all of the Element Lords and their tradition- its interesting to keep reading. While not a deep, philosophical book like I've usually read and wrote, it was good to see a quick paced action book. Your assortment of characters is incredibly high, yet they all seem to have a role in the bigger picture. They're rich with character too- for some reason I particularly liked the Gambler. Genakex reminded me of Takua, in a sense, and that made the epic enjoyable. What I have to say, for improving your writing:Write the chapter, and then read it aloud to yourself. See what makes sense, and what is "junk". Seeing if you can spot stuff right after youve written it is hard, so give some time off. A day or so. Remember to place commas where appropriate- there were quite a few run on sentences in your posts, so read them to yourself and see where you missed. Description! While it is improving, your characters seem to be jumping just slightly. Description, tell about their thought processes a little more. While dialogue is essential to keeping the character relationships going, it is not everything for a story. You are mixing the two a bit, and it seems to be working just fine. Keep progressing at you should have it. Your vocabulary is fine, just don't try to force some words. It confuses the reader, and makes the passage rough. It's a simple story, but it flows. Also, on that note, try varying sentence structure. It grabs the reader a bit, to have a long sentence interwoven with short ones, and vice versa. It's good to have variation, and although you have very long sentences, you keep the reader interested. Think to yourself "How can I start this paragraph differently?" And go off of that. I will hope to be reading Genakex's adventures in full soon, as to understand the full story with the Spirits and previous stories. 30 chapters, and you're still going! Good job, and just work on the things above- your writing improves with the more you write, so keep the ball rolling! NS
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#120 Offline Greninja #0579

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Posted Oct 02 2012 - 11:54 AM

Thank you very much for the review! I will do my best to improve in the areas you have pointed out!
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