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Slipping Through

Naho Nidhiki Metru Nui Dark Hunter War

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4 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Nick Silverpen

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Posted Apr 21 2012 - 07:17 PM

Slipping ThroughTwo figures quietly moved through the rubble strewn streets of Le-Metru, stealthily moving in the morning shadows. They were the only movement for blocks around, but that did not mean they were the only ones present- there could have been an ambush behind any pile of rubble. The twin suns high above the city were on the rise, day beginning to break. The fighting of the war had not yet permeated the early hours of the day, but it would soon be ever-present.“I really wish you would let me come with you,” Nidhiki muttered to Naho as they ducked in a suitable hiding spot.“You know you’ll only slow me down,” she replied, softly cracking a knuckle. The Toa of Air raised an eyebrow; she might as well have fired a column of water to signal every Hunter in the district as to where the two Toa Mangai hid. But as he listened closer to the area around him, he could hear trash blowing in the early breeze, akin to Naho’s knuckle crack. The sounds were one and the same.No need to worry… for now, Nidhiki thought. “I’ve let you come with me this far, brother. And besides, you’d no sooner go diving than pet a Fikou spider,” she teased, a strained smile on her mask.“If you’re quite done,” Nidhiki snapped, the smile not returned. She knew how to push the envelope, emphasizing his anxiety with arachnids. “Let’s get the mission on the way before the day starts.” Gesturing above, where a morning blue started to appear above the buildings, he indicated the structure which they were in search for. A chute station towered stories above them, the protodermis travel system it held in place heading north in one direction, west in another. The Le-Matoran of the district called it “the Ring”, because six chute stations created its namesake in the center of Le-Metru, where other chutes branched off to other metru. The Dark Hunter’s first move when they invaded- was it only days ago?- was to seize the Ring; if they controlled the chutes, they effectively controlled the city’s shipping and public transportation. The city was at a standstill now, boarded up in their homes. Not that anyone sane would travel in this warzone anyways. As they looked above, Nidhiki prayed. The Toa Mangai had no chance of taking the Ring back themselves. Only a handful of them, and hundreds of the enemy. Hunters were perched at certain intervals in the chute, ready to fire at any Toa they saw. It was hopefully the changing of the guard, for no activity could be seen within the chutes.The chutes overhead weren’t the ones that the two Toa were concerned about. Rather, it was below that was of interest. Rumors of Metru Nui’s construction hinted at chutes running under the city to the Silver Sea, and a few reconnaissance missions executed by the other Toa Mangai found the rumors to be true. The chute Nidhiki and Naho now climbed down was the chute; Slipping through the Dark Hunter lines to this chute was the only way to let other lands beyond the sea gates know that Metru Nui was being occupied.Below the tower, the protodermis coursed downward, heading to the south of the district. This was it, Nidhiki realized, breathing with excitement. Naho stood atop the metal brace with him, prepared to jump into the current. “At least let me escort you to the end of the chute,” he insisted. “Lhikan said there’s Rahi down there, and ‘who knows what else’. Who’s to say that the ‘what else’ isn’t a group of Hunters?”Naho looked at him hard for a moment with a gaze most would identify as suspicious. He was a loyal Toa Mangai, she knew, and would cross her to a group of thieves, but his insistence could sometimes be annoying. “Alright, just to the end,” she agreed. Helping him down to the brace, she looked at him from behind the Mask of Water Breathing’s face shield, and with a nod, the two of them leapt.A chute was a whole different world. Everything moved on the current in a zero gravity state, like being suspended in a gel. It was unlike being underwater, for the Toa’s buoyancy did not bring them up to the top of the chute. They surged south, past the aquatic Rahi that nested there, and Naho smiled at him, as if to show she were right.A loud bang ahead of them snapped their alert senses on. Above their heads an energy blast flew, barely missing their Kanohi. From around the bend came a Dark Hunter with a cannon, his scope trained on his targets. Naho threw her arms up, slowing her speed, while Nidhiki unlimbered his scythe and fired bullets of air at the assassin. Naho used her power to bend the current around the Hunter, the liquid pulling the weapon from his hand. Together the two Toa formed a whirlpool encasing the Hunter that flung him through the liquid membrane of the chute. Nidhiki looked at Naho, raising his eyebrows. This time, he was right.Furiously the current pumped them through the chute, zipping through a storm of Hunters. Nidhiki slashed with his scythe heatedly, unleashing tornado upon tornado the enemy. He wanted to do more, but stunning was all there was time for- he would leave his proper impression later. Water and air powers furiously pounded the line as they fell behind, unable to catch the green and blue blurs that zoomed through.Reaching the end of the chute, Naho sped through the entrance into the silver sea. Nidhiki watched her go, hanging outside the exit to catch any stragglers that had slipped by their attacks. She never looked back, assured Nidhiki could handle more than they had faced. They were certain they would see each other again, before this war was over.Where Metru Nui was occupied by sounds of war, the surrounding sea was filled with peace. The city was a dark silhouette now, almost a dot in the distance. Light from the twin suns came down in shafts through the ocean’s surface, showing the clear abyss that lay ahead. No Rahi swam around the Toa of Water, the ocean ensuring Naho a clear path to the sea gates. The only sound was of protodermis passing through her mask, the empty ocean silvery blue around her. Her sense of duty pushed her through the water; the longer she was gone, the more chances that the Hunters had to harm her adopted city and brothers, Toa and Matoran alike. Naho cleaved through the water, her arms and legs pumping toward the sea gates. Already there was a sense of weariness in the muscles, stiff and straining, but her spirit was determined to get there, wherever there was. Metru Nui was held in the highest respects from the lands she and the other Toa called home, for the universe’s survival depended on the island city; there were no doubt sympathizers in the archipelagos outside the dome. Under her mask, her determined mind pushed away the looming feelings of panic and worry of the war as he body pushed away the sea. For the Toa, she thought, parting the water with her hands. For Turaga Dume. For the city.Yet it was her love of swimming that kept her going. Alone with the ocean, Naho felt truly one with it, reveling in the vastness that made her feel so alive. No borders restrained her, any direction she took feeling like it could be the right one. Each stroke through the ocean felt exhilarating; her mind was devoid of concern while pulling herself through the water. Part of her didn’t want to find an island, and forget about Metru Nui and the dangers waiting there, for this chase was what she was living for, then and there. The quiet of the blue world attempted to clear her mind, but she still remembered her mission, in a dark corner of her mind.Though for days Naho kicked through the water steadily, her legs wobbled as she stumbled upon the shores of an island. The excitement she’d set out with had been streamlined away, a weariness greater than gravity dragging her eyelids and limbs into the soft sand on the beach. The Turaga and Matoran that emerged from their homes almost didn’t catch the Toa of Water as she fell, exhaustion overcoming her as she used her last bit of energy to mumble her warning. “Metru Nui… the Dark Hunters…”***Slumping in her seat, Naho rested her head in her hands as she gazed out the window. Someone had graciously lent her a Mask of Strength, and she could feel the power coming back to her muscles. However, it would days before she would be ready to fight. Her eyes fixed on the water passing under the ship, Naho thought with shock the effort it had taken her to swim that distance. Easily now they cruised over the ocean, closing fast on the City of Legends. She wondered what had happened in the days that had passed since her departure, hoping that all the Toa on this ship ready for the warwould not be too late.The famous skyline of the city was silhouetted against the sunlight, bringing a smile to Naho’s worn expression. Each time she saw the city was like that first time, when she and the other Toa had come to fight the Kanohi dragon. There was something indescribable in the nobility of the landscape that surrounded the Coliseum; it captured the mind of the viewer, as it was now to the Toa approaching the window. As when the Toa Mangai first entered the city to uphold that image, many more Toa were following the footsteps of their brothers, prepared to lay down their masks, so after this conflict the Dark Hunters would never set foot in Metru Nui again.
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#2 Offline fishers64

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Posted Apr 22 2012 - 10:21 PM

I liked the expansion of the swim of Naho in the Toa/Dark Hunter war. Interesting idea that she would leave through the chutes, and that Nidhiki would help her; I like the nods you've put in here to his eventual fate. Short, sweet, and nonetheless good.Small nitpicks:

Nidhiki slashed with his scythe heatedly, unleashing tornado upon tornado the enemy.

Should be:Nidhiki slashed with his scythe heatedly, unleashing tornado upon tornado at the enemies.

Her eyes fixed on the water passing under the ship, Naho thought with shock the effort it had taken her to swim that distance. Easily now they cruised over the ocean, closing fast on the City of Legends.

I felt that the last sentence could have been reworded better - something more like: "They were easily covering that distance now, closing fast on the City of Legends."Good job, and keep writing!

Edited by fishers64, Apr 22 2012 - 10:22 PM.

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#3 Offline Aderia

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Posted Apr 24 2012 - 03:46 PM

Ahh! I'm a sucker for Metru Nui. I just love the City of Legends.And, agreeing with other reveiwers, I really like the expansion on the Toa/Dark Hunter War. Its really awesome that, for the most part, the canon storyline has left that part of history to us fanfic writers. I love seeing everyone's interpretation of that era. And of course, you didn't disappoint.Okay, nitpicks first.

The chutes overhead weren’t the ones that the two Toa were concerned about. Rather, it was below that was of interest.

This was in the beginning of the sixth paragraph. I fell like it would read better something like: "Rather, it was the ones below that were of interest.", or something, because when I read that sentence outloud, it came out awkwardly.

Naho looked at him hard for a moment with a gaze most would identify as suspicious. He was a loyal Toa Mangai, she knew, and would cross her to a group of thieves, but his insistence could sometimes be annoying.

In the eighth paragraph down. The two sentences seem to contradict each other. Can I guess you meant that he wouldn't cross her to a group of theives?

Reaching the end of the chute, Naho sped through the entrance into the silver sea.

'silver sea' to 'Silver Sea' and call me a stickler XP.Anyways, I like the pretense of stealth you had hanging all over story, right from the start. Also, the contrast between Naho and Nidhiki's characters was well done. I particularly noticed it when Nidhiki insisted on accompanying Naho to the end of the chute to make sure she made it out safely, and then when Naho got to the end of the chute, her lack of concern for Nidhiki's safety, or rather, her confidence in him.

[...]many more Toa were following the footsteps of their brothers, prepared to lay down their masks, so after this conflict the Dark Hunters would never set foot in Metru Nui again.

This last sentence I really liked. It left the impression of 'good oh, I said a leet word - contact a moderator to take proto from me! evil' nice and solid. Good work has been done here. :)

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#4 Offline Makuta Matata

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Posted Apr 25 2012 - 07:54 PM

I love it how you spun the story from the book. I believe it said that an anonymous Toa of Water slipped through the ranks. This is very good.
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#5 Offline Grantaire

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Posted May 12 2012 - 01:26 PM

Official SSCC review; sorry for the lateness.Okay, first, as with my last review, you picked one of my favorite eras in bionicle; the Toa Dark Hunter war. Granted, I was hoping for a little more of it, specifically the beach battle between the reinforcing toa and the dark hunter, but oh well can't have everything.The writing was good. Not exceptionally wonderful, but good; it paints a good picture of the story and characters, although i do suppose it could do with touching up kin many places.In characters, my main problem is that Nidhiki sounded much like Lhikan, and very little like himself. Of course, he could have been sobered by the war, but still.. he didn't sound quite right. Naho sounded like a standard toa of water; Nokama is whom she reminded me of most.The fighting scenes were okay; not exceptional, for although I did get a good idea of the fight, it was more skimmed over, and also was a little confusing at one place.Overall, the story was small, as was meant, for there was little covered, and as such that is not a point against you; the story worked well, although it would almost seem to fit better as a chapter of an epic than as a SS, but that's just me.

Two figures quietly moved through the rubble strewn streets of Le-Metru, stealthily moving in the morning shadows. They were the only movement for blocks around, but that did not mean they were the only ones present- there could have been an ambush behind any pile of rubble. The twin suns high above the city were on the rise, day beginning to break. The fighting of the war had not yet permeated the early hours of the day, but it would soon be ever-present.

The triple use of 'move' seems a little repetitive. Also, the hyphen would look better as a colon.

“You know you’ll only slow me down,” she replied, softly cracking a knuckle. The Toa of Air raised an eyebrow; she might as well have fired a column of water to signal every Hunter in the district as to where the two Toa Mangai hid. But as he listened closer to the area around him, he could hear trash blowing in the early breeze, akin to Naho’s knuckle crack. The sounds were one and the same.No need to worry… for now, Nidhiki thought. “I’ve let you come with me this far, brother. And besides, you’d no sooner go diving than pet a Fikou spider,” she teased, a strained smile on her mask.

A space between the period and the n is needed.Also, I think this would look better:

“You know you’ll only slow me down,” she replied, softly cracking a knuckle. The Toa of Air raised an eyebrow; she might as well have fired a column of water to signal every Hunter in the district as to where the two Toa Mangai hid. But as he listened closer to the area around him, he could hear trash blowing in the early breeze, akin to Naho’s knuckle crack. The sounds were one and the same.No need to worry… for now, Nidhiki thought.“I’ve let you come with me this far, brother. And besides, you’d no sooner go diving than pet a Fikou spider,” Naho teased, a strained smile on her mask.

As it is, it's kinda jarring: it almost looks like Nidhiki is a girl and is saying the last line.

“If you’re quite done,” Nidhiki snapped, the smile not returned. She knew how to push the envelope, emphasizing his anxiety with arachnids. “Let’s get the mission on the way before the day starts.” Gesturing above, where a morning blue started to appear above the buildings, he indicated the structure which they were in search for.

'had been searching for' might sound better.

A loud bang ahead of them snapped their alert senses on. Above their heads an energy blast flew, barely missing their Kanohi. From around the bend came a Dark Hunter with a cannon, his scope trained on his targets. Naho threw her arms up, slowing her speed, while Nidhiki unlimbered his scythe and fired bullets of air at the assassin. Naho used her power to bend the current around the Hunter, the liquid pulling the weapon from his hand. Together the two Toa formed a whirlpool encasing the Hunter that flung him through the liquid membrane of the chute. Nidhiki looked at Naho, raising his eyebrows. This time, he was right.

Cannons are not handheld weapons. 'blaster' 'gun' or 'rifle' might look better.

Furiously the current pumped them through the chute, zipping through a storm of Hunters. Nidhiki slashed with his scythe heatedly, unleashing tornado upon tornado the enemy. He wanted to do more, but stunning was all there was time for- he would leave his proper impression later. Water and air powers furiously pounded the line as they fell behind, unable to catch the green and blue blurs that zoomed through.

This fight seems a little confusing: I can't help but think that if Nidhiki is making whirlpools in front of him, he'd be caught in them as well...

Yet it was her love of swimming that kept her going. Alone with the ocean, Naho felt truly one with it, reveling in the vastness that made her feel so alive.No borders restrained her, any direction she took feeling like it could be the right one. Each stroke through the ocean felt exhilarating; her mind was devoid of concern while pulling herself through the water. Part of her didn’t want to find an island, and forget about Metru Nui and the dangers waiting there, for this chase was what she was living for, then and there. The quiet of the blue world attempted to clear her mind, but she still remembered her mission, in a dark corner of her mind.

This line sounds a little confusing. Perhaps: "Part of her didn't want to find an island, to forget about Metru Nui and the dangers waiting there, for this chase was what she was living for, then and there."Also, I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'then and there.' at the end...

exhaustion overcoming her as she used her last bit of energy to mumble her warning. “Metru Nui… the Dark Hunters…”***Slumping in her seat, Naho rested her head in her hands as she gazed out the window. Someone had graciously lent her a Mask of

Formatting issue to me. Perhaps:"exhaustion overcoming her as she used her last bit of energy to mumble her warning. “Metru Nui… the Dark Hunters…”

***

Slumping in her seat, Naho rested her head in her hands as she gazed out the window. Someone had graciously lent her a Mask of"

As when the Toa Mangai first entered the city to uphold that image, many more Toa were following the footsteps of their brothers, prepared to lay down their masks, so after this conflict the Dark Hunters would never set foot in Metru Nui again.

No offense, but the actual phrase' lay down their lives' sounds a lot better: because really, you can put down your mask without dying. It changes the meaning a lot.Overall though, this was a good story. Small, yes, but nicely written. I enjoyed reading and reviewing it. :)

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