Bionicle Evolution: Review Topic

[Creature]

This is the review topic for my epic Bionicle Evolution which can be found here http://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=4585Comments are appreciated as well as corrections on grammer and spelling that I may have missed.

[~garnira returns~]

One chapter posted, and i'm loving it already!

[fishers64]

Well, interesting idea that the robot might have landed upside down...and I liked your portrayal of Lesovikk's emotions.I think however, that "showing us the scene" on the Lesovikk framing thing instead of just telling us - first giving us his emotions on being framed, then the emotions on being absolved from being framed and ending up with Karzahni's mask - I think that would have had even more impact and make it less of a dry history resolution. You could have also done that with the robot landing upside down. What does an individual Matoran feel like when this happens? How do the Toa Nuva and Matoran figure out the Pakari/Agori solution? How do the Agori get in the robot in the first place? Such a thing would have made this more interesting to read, although you already do a fairly good job of that. :)Stuff I noticed:

“This is not good”, thought Onus as he arrived at the outskirts of the growing citadel,” I thought we learned the error of forsaking unity back on Mata Nui.”

Should be: "Onua".

In his mind, Lesovikk admitted that some part of him would have relished the act, but in reality he knew he hadn’t become so consumed with vengeance to actually go through with the act.

Using "the act" two times in a sentence like you have is awkward, something better sounding would likely be this:"In his mind, Lesovikk admitted that some part of him would have relished the act, but in reality he knew he hadn’t become so consumed with vengeance to actually go through with it."

He knew that whatever he faced on this strange new world, his friend would e there at his side. Together to began the walk back to Atero.

Should be: "be there"You've done a good job here, and I like that you're trying to tackle some unresolved plotholes. Good luck with that.

[Creature]

Well, interesting idea that the robot might have landed upside down...and I liked your portrayal of Lesovikk's emotions.I think however, that "showing us the scene" on the Lesovikk framing thing instead of just telling us - first giving us his emotions on being framed, then the emotions on being absolved from being framed and ending up with Karzahni's mask - I think that would have had even more impact and make it less of a dry history resolution.You could have also done that with the robot landing upside down. What does an individual Matoran feel like when this happens? How do the Toa Nuva and Matoran figure out the Pakari/Agori solution? How do the Agori get in the robot in the first place? Such a thing would have made this more interesting to read, although you already do a fairly good job of that. :)Stuff I noticed:

“This is not good”, thought Onus as he arrived at the outskirts of the growing citadel,” I thought we learned the error of forsaking unity back on Mata Nui.”

Should be: "Onua".

In his mind, Lesovikk admitted that some part of him would have relished the act, but in reality he knew he hadn’t become so consumed with vengeance to actually go through with the act.

Using "the act" two times in a sentence like you have is awkward, something better sounding would likely be this:"In his mind, Lesovikk admitted that some part of him would have relished the act, but in reality he knew he hadn’t become so consumed with vengeance to actually go through with it."

He knew that whatever he faced on this strange new world, his friend would e there at his side. Together to began the walk back to Atero.

Should be: "be there"You've done a good job here, and I like that you're trying to tackle some unresolved plotholes. Good luck with that.

Thanks for the comments and critsism. I fixed the grammer and spelling issues you mentioned.The Onua one was very embarassing. As for the robot landing upside down, I was actually depicting it as lying on it side as it appeared in the final Bionicle comic. I have to think about how to revise that with more clarity. Also you make a good point about depicting events rather that explaining them in narration. Its a bad writing technique but I did it because I wanted to explain some of the plot threads quickly so I could move on to other topics. If I have time in the future I would like to write a more in depth short story about the robot salvaging. Finally, thanks for reading this. this is the first story i've posted on the forum and its encouraging knowing its being enjoyed.

One chapter posted, and i'm loving it already!

Thanks, that really means a lot. I was hoping that people would enjoy it because I enjoyed writing it.Lastly, the second chapter is up. Link http://www.bzpower.c...48 Edited May 6, 2012 by Creature

[fishers64]

New chapter:

“So what are we in for today team” Onua jested unsuccessfully.

Probably should be better off "So what are in for today, team?"

“Yes, but the Sakdi are rinse-washed and it will be an ever-long time until they are back on ground-land”, Kongu replied cheerfully."

Should be Skakdi.

And while the Toa Nuva knew they had only gained one temporary victory in their long list of work it was indeed good that there was one less obstacle to their mission to rebuild in this strange new world.

I feel that there should be a comma between indeed and good, like this: And while the Toa Nuva knew they had only gained one temporary victory in their long list of work, it was indeed good that there was one less obstacle to their mission to rebuild in this strange new world.* * *Quick and simple resolution to history - I like the characterization moment with Onua jesting just like Lesovikk's moment with the mask. I'm not getting a feel of a story here - a connection to the first chapter, anything - just a dry history. While I feel that this was what you were going for - quick-resolve plot points without much fuss - it is less interesting to readers. Slipping in a few more of those character moments would make it a bit more enjoyable to read.

[Creature]

http://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=4585The next chapter is up, and I plan to have a more consistant release schedule for new chapters. Once again thanks for the comments and criticism, it really motivates me to work on these.