The Dark Chronicle: Review Topic

[The Dark Chronicler]

This is a project that I have been working on for quite a while now, a history of the Makuta species through the eyes of one of the members. The Mutran Chronicles was interesting and showed quite a lot of information, but I never really felt it went into the detail that I had always wanted to see.So now I present to you The Dark Chronicle, a story about the life of Makuta Kyrack, starting at the creation of his species and leading to his eventual demise.

The Dark Chronicle

[a goose]

Looks cool so far, although I was hoping it'd be about Chronn. :PAnyhow, I'm not even going to bother suggesting that one of those lines was inspired by A Series of Unfortunate Events, as you probably haven't heard of it.So, the basic points: Cool story, bro.(I would say more, but there isn't all that much to say about, yet.)

[The Dark Chronicler]

Thank you, I was hoping to create an interesting introduction to the story itself, and I thought that listing Kyrack's thoughts might be a good way to begin. And no, I will not be writing any stories about Thedar Chronn, he is RPG, not of my overall writing like Kyrack in his many forms is. Though this Kyrack is quite different from my comedies or even RPG version.

No, it wasn't. I have in fact heard of that book series, though I have never read it, though I suppose that you mentioning it means that there are similarities somewhere within my story. This is similar to my entry into the short story contest being rated highly in the Tolkien influence, despite me never reading any of his works.

So you did not find it too boring or too dull?

Yeah, I know, It will have more within a few days. I already have quite a few chapters written up, I'm just working out a schedule for releasing them.

[a goose]

Just thought, because of the title...*Ahem*

I hope, for your sake, that you have not chosen to read this book because you are in the mood for a pleasant experience.

If you have just picked up this book, then it is not too late to put it back down.

Seeing the similarities?Well, the chapter was a bit short, but otherwise it was very good.

[The Dark Chronicler]

Afraid not, I'm not that fond of Chronn really, but I have this great interest in writing about Makuta Kyrack.

I suppose that I do, but again, they were not intentional. I merely wrote what came into my mind at the time. I try to avoid using other books as sources in my writing, especially not books that I've never read.It gets tricky if you try doing that. XD

Yeah, I figured people would say it was short. But the next one is about twice the size I think, this one is just to introduce the story and the character.

The next chapter will be up soon, but that is only because the first part is not so much a chapter and more of a prologue. I'm still thinking up a schedule for releasing them.

[25K Now!]

Junkyard/Kyrahk - THE MAIN CHARACTER OF ALL OF V-3'S STORIES.Anyway, I'm gonna nitpick through some minor errors I found. 8)

Hello, and a pleasant day to you who ends up reading this... though I guess that may not be such a good thing. If you are reading this, then it would be wise to assume that I am no longer among the living, as I would never part with this writing in my life. It is far more important to me than anyone could ever imagine. But it, I suppose, is of no real concern at this time, as I will not be alive to feel sadness about my death. That, is one of the few good things about death, no longer having to worry about dying.

'Assume' is to accept something without proof, but we are given some proof a few words later, as Kyrahk says that he would never part with this writing if he was alive. 'Presume' might work better, seeing that it means 'to accept something without established proof', for there is no 'definite' proof for Kyrahk being ... dead.

I presume that you came upon this tablet in some manner of purchase, or perhaps you found it. It doesn't really matter though, you now have it and I do not. If you wish to see a cheerfully written tale, then I am afraid that I must advise you to look elsewhere, as you will find no cheer, no joy, no happiness here. But it is not written to be a tale of adventure and excitement, but to act as a reminder. I don't wish to fade away into history, as though I never existed... I want to be remembered. Even if only by a single person... I just don't want my life to have been wasted. I want to have at least something about me live on. So I write this history of my life, so that I may be known, even if by then all memory of my species has faded completely, at least these words I write will continue on after my death.

'Assume' could be placed here, for I do not believe we actually have 'proof'.For the 'don't', leave them if you wish for slightly more colloquial writing.

I suppose this may be boring to you who wish for a tale of action. For that, I must apologize. This was never written to be a story to grab and hold you attention along on an adventure of excitement and wonder. This is my life... this is the horrors that my brothers and sisters were subjected to... what I too was subjected to. This is a story of misery and sadness, of lost hope and suffering. This is me.. and the torment of suffering I have faced.... and likely always will.

Bolded part should be 'these are the horrors', due to the plural.Other than that, I eagerly anticipate reading Kyrahk despairing over life. No happy endings too! That'll be great. Happy endings are rather annoying these days.Kyrahk making robots = Win.

[The Dark Chronicler]

But of course, what would a story of mine be without him? It would be a story about Kayep, and I do not think Kayep quite fits the placement of main character in this.Nitpick away Hubert, nitpick away.I chose assume here because Kyrack is uncertain if he truly is dead, or if perhaps something else had happened. He would never intentionally part with it while living, but things can happen that change that. Though I do think it would work rather well either way, I think that I am going to keep assume in this location.I agree with you, assume would work much better in this instance, and I will look into changing it as soon as this post is completed.I think in the case of the 'Don't' that I shall leave them, seeing as they are part of the writing style I use when working on Kyrack's speaking, and thought it likely that it would appear in his writing as well.Ah thank you, I shall fix this right away. This horrors of a grammatical error shall be removed.Glad you like it so far, and it seems I am not the only one tired of the happy ending these days. Though when writing about Kyrack, which ending is really the better one, living in agony, or dying?Yes, I think it might be. XDChapter one is up, the story of Kyrack begins!

Edited April 25, 2012 by Pyrrhon

[a goose]

I see you didn't mention Terry, which is unusual, seeing as he was Mata Nui's 'favourite'. Also, in the part about Mutran 'crises' should be 'crisis'.Other than that, pretty good. I'm not going to be as nitpick-y as Hub.

[Toa Smoke Monster]

I've read the introduction and the first chapter of your epic, and I've really enjoyed them. I like your characterization of Makuta Kyrack, with how he hated the other Makuta and such. The third-to-last paragraph in the first chapter, the one with Kyrack's thoughts about the Makuta's purpose in the MU, was particularly well-written.I do have a couple nitpicks about the first chapter, and they are:

Mata Nui, he claimed himself,...

I think this sentence would sound better if 'claimed' was 'called' instead.

how we were intended to be merely machines to build and build for a being who created us only for that purpose.

I think the bolded words in this sentence can be omitted to make it sound better.Anyway, I've really enjoyed what you've done with this epic and I'm very interested in seeing what happens next.

[The Dark Chronicler]

I see you didn't mention Terry, which is unusual, seeing as he was Mata Nui's 'favourite'. Also, in the part about Mutran 'crises' should be 'crisis'.Other than that, pretty good. I'm not going to be as nitpick-y as Hub.

Teridax is not yet a major part in the life of Kyrahk. He couldn't care less who Mata Nui's favorite was at the time. Teridax had yet to do anything of importance yet, the league of Six Kingdoms has yet to form and give him his first important event.Fixing as soon as I post this.Nitpicky is good, it shows me what to fix.

I've read the introduction and the first chapter of your epic, and I've really enjoyed them. I like your characterization of Makuta Kyrack, with how he hated the other Makuta and such. The third-to-last paragraph in the first chapter, the one with Kyrack's thoughts about the Makuta's purpose in the MU, was particularly well-written.I do have a couple nitpicks about the first chapter, and they are:

Mata Nui, he claimed himself,...

I think this sentence would sound better if 'claimed' was 'called' instead.

how we were intended to be merely machines to build and build for a being who created us only for that purpose.

I think the bolded words in this sentence can be omitted to make it sound better.Anyway, I've really enjoyed what you've done with this epic and I'm very interested in seeing what happens next.

Thank you, I'm glad his character is shining through, which i didn't really think it did in the introduction. I've always noted that the brotherhood seemed so diverse and none of the Makuta really seemed to like each other, which works rather well for this story. Thanks, I've always thought the Makuta seemed more like a cheap shortcut to actually making the Rahi himself, which Mata Nui could have easily done.I think I accidentally forgot an 'as' in there, I'll be fixing it as soon as i'm done writing this.Yes, now that you mention it, the repeated of those words there seems out of place and not quite with the flow I was going for. I shall be editing it soon.Thanks, glad you like it. I was trying something different and didn't know if an epic with little to no violence would work or not.A new chapter should be up on the 28th. Edited April 27, 2012 by Pyrrhon

[Toa Smoke Monster]

I just noticed that you put dates on this chapter and the previous one. I think that is a cool idea. :)Anyway, I really enjoyed your latest chapter. I never thought of the Makuta being forced to create Rahi. It does make sense, now that I think about it. I also like the humor you put in this chapter, with the exploding Rahi and the Rahi that took on the Muaka. This kind of writing really helps the story feel like a Makuta is telling it.I do have a few grammar nitpicks, and they are:

But these first creatures were miserable excuses for creations, they lacked creativity and any real purpose.

This sentence doesn't sound right to me. I suggest adding the word 'for' between 'creations' and 'they' to help it sound better.

He wanted more out of us, he wanted us to accomplish our task with brilliance and inventiveness.

It sounds like your repeating yourself here. I think that it would sound better like this: "He wanted more out of us, demanding that we accomplish our task with brilliance and inventiveness. Of course, you can change to something else too.

It became clear quickly that I was falling behind on the learning curve

To me, this could be worded better. The bolded section would better as either 'it soon became clear' or "it quickly became clear.'Sorry if I sound a little nitpickly here. I'm kind of a grammar nazi. Anyway, I'm interested in seeing where the story goes with the organic weapons.

[The Dark Chronicler]

Yeah, I'm using time to show his view of history as time moves onward. I'm glad you like the idea.Thank you, I always wondered what Mata Nui would look like from the eyes of a Makuta, and while writing this I took into consideration that they did not really seem to enjoy being below others on the chain of command, and from there I came to the thought that Mata Nui would seem more like a slave driver. I thought a little humor might help the story a bit, and get more of Kyrack's personality through. I quite enjoyed writing the part with the Muaka and the Rahi. Glad it seems like how you would expect a Makuta to write.Nitpicks at grammar, much appreciated, nothing like seeing what could be improved upon. :DLooking back at this, it does seem rather odd sounding, I think 'for' would fit good there also, and maybe I'll swap the 'and' between 'Creativity' and 'any' with an 'or'.yeah, I see the repetitiveness now. I don't know if I'll use 'Demanding' though, seeing as I don't really see him ordering them to do so, maybe 'requested that we' would work.Yeah, I'll update it with better wording, It does seem rather strange.Nitpicky is good, it greatly helps with errors and mistakes the writer missed, and helps me improve the overall quality of the writing. The Organic weapons... I can only say that I'm going to have fun with that, as it will help cement Kyrack's thoughts about his fellow Makuta... and play even more importance later on.

[WriterofReapers]

Took me a week longer than I said it would, but here I am. Alright, time to post my thoughts on the first three chapters!Chapter 1Excellent start, and aside from a few slight nitpicks I can't really think of anything wrong with it. Despite whatever Kyrack says, the intro did a very good job of pulling me in. Not really much more I can say here... Chapter 2Second paragraph uses the word "time" too much. I had a very difficult time reading that first sentence, which I suppose can be expected when you use the word "time" three times. Hehehe...This chapter wasn't as well-written as the first, but aside from a few stumbles it does a very good job in putting the creation of the Makuta into a perspective that fits what we've come to expect from a Makuta. However, the very last sentence needs to be rewritten. I'm begging you, please change it. It'd be perfect if not for the awkward wording... Chapter 3Hmm... One part in particular didn't really make a whole lot of sense to me. Kyrack at one point says that he hates making Rahi almost as much as everybody else, but from what we are shown the other Makuta could be described as enjoying their task of creating new Rahi. Again, there were a few instances of awkward wording, but nothing major enough to completely pull me out of the story.Over all, it's a very good start for something new (seeing as how you used to write comedies), and I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

[The Dark Chronicler]

Not a problem, thanks for the comments and criticism!Chapter 1Glad you like it, it was my least favorite part of writing this story so far. XDChapter 2Time is used too much there... an easy fix, thanks for pointing it out! Now it's down to two uses.I thought it was much better myself, as it lets me start expanding Kyrack's personality more into the writing.But... I like the last sentence... I thought it fit because of it's strangeness, showing how odd times of joy were for the Makuta and how he's not used to writing about them.Chapter 3Ah, I should have been clearer there, he meant that he hated making creatures as much as he hated other beings, he hates people, he hates making Rahi. I should make that clearer. I don't see the awkward wording so much myself... but the writer often misses what they messed up with.Yeah, this is quite different to me, and I'm enjoying writing it, which is rare for me.

[WriterofReapers]

I thought it was much better myself, as it lets me start expanding Kyrack's personality more into the writing.But... I like the last sentence... I thought it fit because of it's strangeness, showing how odd times of joy were for the Makuta and how he's not used to writing about them.

It's still good, but I guess the first chapter just seemed like it had been polished a bit more...Hmm... That's a good reason, but if that's the case you should try to make stuff like that a bit more common (and maybe even include a sort of apology from Kyrack for how he "finds it difficult to relate these old feelings" or something).

Ah, I should have been clearer there, he meant that he hated making creatures as much as he hated other beings, he hates people, he hates making Rahi. I should make that clearer. I don't see the awkward wording so much myself... but the writer often misses what they messed up with.

Okay, so he pretty much hates everything. Sounds like a swell guy...Read this again in a couple months. You'll be amazed at the things you missed (speaking from personal experience ).

[The Dark Chronicler]

The funny thing is that the first chapter was the least polished, and is the roughest one of the bunch. Writing that intro was so boring I never looked back over it to reword things. XDPerhaps I should, but I really didn't plan for it to be common, seeing as it will be rare that he gets enjoyment from anything beyond crafting weapons. I could do that, in fact, I suppose it would be a good idea to edit something like that into it.Well, yeah, he pretty much does, but I will be giving reasoning behind it all as the story goes on. He's not exactly the villain, but he's no hero.I've tried reading over stuff I wrote about a year ago, and I see no wording issues... but, I've never been one to comment upon or notice strange wording. I tend to focus myself upon the plot and characters more than the wording, so I suppose I am rather blind to it. XD

[WriterofReapers]

I've tried reading over stuff I wrote about a year ago, and I see no wording issues... but, I've never been one to comment upon or notice strange wording. I tend to focus myself upon the plot and characters more than the wording, so I suppose I am rather blind to it. XD

I was really just talking about errors in general, but okay.

[a goose]

Talk about paranoia. XD

[Toa Smoke Monster]

I like how Kyrack doesn't trust any of the other Makuta, particularly Mutran. The Rahi with the ability to shoot electricity from its eyes was cool too.I only found one grammar mistake, and it is:

She was almost as good an actress and Mutran had been an actor.

It should be 'as' instead of 'and.'Anyway, I'm very interested to see what else Kyrack will do with the organic weapons in the future chapters.

[The Dark Chronicler]

I was really just talking about errors in general, but okay.

Oh yeah, I notice those all of the time in older work. XD

Talk about paranoia. XD

Yeah, Paranoia indeed... thought your post seems a little... small and a bit lacking on information.

I like how Kyrack doesn't trust any of the other Makuta, particularly Mutran. The Rahi with the ability to shoot electricity from its eyes was cool too.I only found one grammar mistake, and it is:

She was almost as good an actress and Mutran had been an actor.

It should be 'as' instead of 'and.'Anyway, I'm very interested to see what else Kyrack will do with the organic weapons in the future chapters.

Yeah, Kyrack doesn't really trust anyone, he sees them all as enemies in a way, all out to ruin things in his life to better their own. I quite liked the concept of electrical vision myself, it seemed like something rather... outside of the norm.That shall be fixed! XDOh yes, it shall be appearing quite often, though not in every chapter. His organic weaponry play an important part in the tragic tale of his life.

[Cadias]

New chapter, I see. It was interesting- Kyrack certainly seems very hard to impress. XDNice foreboding at the end of the chapter, too. Although I did notice what seems to be an error- isn't it Mantax instead of Mantox?

[The Dark Chronicler]

Yes, indeed he is. He really finds most of the events in his life to be rather boring, and his dislike of other beings adds to that greatly.Yes, it is indeed Mantax, but it was not an error on my part. Kalma is actually Kalmah too, but over 90,000 years, names may be a bit difficult to recall correctly, especially when they had little importance at the time to you. Kyrack merely doesn't recall the exact spelling of their names. I thought it might be a nice touch, seeing as he has issues with remembering many other things from that time.

[Toa Smoke Monster]

Yay for new chapter! :)I like Kyrack's opinion of the LoSK name. His thoughts on the Barracki were interesting too. I was going to point out that Kalmah's name was spelled wrong, but then I read you last post. I've never seen misspelled words used to show a character's lack of interest in something. That is very clever. :)I did find one sentence that could be worded better, and it is:

This came to us as much of a surprise, none of us really expected that they would unite with each other, many thought they would end up battling each other for areas they had conquered, in a sort of war over what had already been conquered.

This is a run-on sentence, and it would sound better like this: "This came to us as much of a surprise, for none of us really expected that they would unite with each other. Many thought they would end up battling each other for areas they had conquered, in a sort of war over what had already been conquered."Anyway, this was another good chapter. Keep up the good work! http://www.bzpower.com/board/public/style_emoticons/default/cool.png Edited May 16, 2012 by The Smoke Monster

[The Dark Chronicler]

Yeah, I'm glad that his distaste for the name and lack of interest turned out well, I was trying to do it without overdoing it, hopefully it met that medium balance I was working towards.You're right, I'll get that fixed up right away.Thanks, glad you like it! :DNew Chapter up!

[Cadias]

Another chapter, and more foreshadowing! Kyrack absolutely despises everyone, doesn't he?By the way, in your second paragraph you said 'Brotherhood' rather than 'League of Six Kingdoms.'

[The Dark Chronicler]

Yes, indeed he does. He hated everyone, and the feeling is mostly mutual. XDFixed!

[Toa Smoke Monster]

Another great chapter. I remember this part of the canon story from the Mutran Chronicles, and I really enjoyed Kyrack's opinion on it. I also believe, if I'm not mistaken, that this is the first chapter that mentions Teridax. (Though it won't be the last. )Anyway, I did find a few grammar mistakes. And they are:

Kralica, Miserix, and Many more of my fellow Makuta were there,

'Many' should be lowercase.

But Pridak was enjoying this, too much for his own good, He brought up the threat of attacking our island, a terrible Idea if any fool had ever thought one up, at first I thought Mutran was speaking.

The comma after good should be a period and 'idea' should be lowercase. Also, the part mentioning Mutran looks out of place to me. It kind of makes the end of this sentence a little confusing, IMO. Maybe you could word it a little better.

and I do believe that both our leader, and Pridak went away from the meeting rather angrily.

The comma after leader should be omitted.These are the only grammar mistakes I could find. I'm very interested to see Kyrack's opinion on how Teridax handles the Barracki.

[The Dark Chronicler]

I really liked the Mutran Chronicles, so I wanted to somewhat integrate Kyrack into the events of them. It is in fact the first mention of Teridax, and it will absolutely not be the last. Kyrack didn't know it at the time, but that one being would be the main cause for his suffering, possibly more-so than his own actions.Going to fix all of those right now. :DWould be a new chapter tonight, but I'm not really feeling up to writing it... I need to be a bit less tired for this story. XD

[Toa Smoke Monster]

This was an interesting chapter. Having the LoSK use an assassin to kill Guvous showed that they are actually a real threat to the Makuta. It is definitely not as one-sided as I thought it would be. :PI did find some grammar errors, and they are:

During this time, much of went on isn't within any given record.

'Of' should be 'that.' I think that 'within' should be replaced with 'written on' to make this sound better.

The being lest no trace f how he even managed to get into the building

'Lest' should be 'left' and you forgot the 'o' in 'of.'

When he did, he was no doubt surprised to find that I Rahi he was working of was no longer in a state of unliving organics as he had been working on it,

'I' should be 'a,' 'of' should be 'on,' and the end of the sentence would sound better as 'he had left it earlier.

he was creating something that was apparently far more powerful than himself

'He' should be capitalized.I enjoyed this chapter, and I'm very interested to see exactly who sent the assassin.

[The Dark Chronicler]

I thought that it would be an interesting place to put a sort of Cold War, seeing as both sides didn't trust each other, and were on the brink of conflict. And I figured that no war is ever one sided, when two powerful forces clash, there will be casualties on both sides.Fixing grammatical issues...Glad you liked it, though I can't confirm that I'll reveal who sent the killer.Time for a new chapter!

[Toa Smoke Monster]

there were none among us that I would feel even the slightest sadness over the death of.

This could be worded better. You could say something like 'over their passing' or 'over thier death.' Something like that would sound a little better.This was the only grammar mistake I could find, so I thought I'd go ahead and get it out of the way. I enjoyed this latest chapter. I really liked how Kyrack descrbed losing his arm. Though couldn't he just shape-shifted another arm for himself? I also liked all the hints you gave at the future story. I'm very interested to see what happens in the coming chapters.And I wonder what Kyrack's thoughts will be when Botar saves the Barracki from Teridax's execution.

[The Dark Chronicler]

there were none among us that I would feel even the slightest sadness over the death of.

This could be worded better. You could say something like 'over their passing' or 'over thier death.' Something like that would sound a little better.This was the only grammar mistake I could find, so I thought I'd go ahead and get it out of the way. I enjoyed this latest chapter. I really liked how Kyrack descrbed losing his arm. Though couldn't he just shape-shifted another arm for himself? I also liked all the hints you gave at the future story. I'm very interested to see what happens in the coming chapters.And I wonder what Kyrack's thoughts will be when Botar saves the Barracki from Teridax's execution.

I may be a little late to reply, but... fixing it. XDI suppose that he could shape shift another arm into place, but there is still all of the missing muscle and organics that were within the arm. Those with be a little harder to reshape than mere metal coating and parts. And while quickhealing could likely do it, Kyrack never trained with that ability much, and he could very likely regrow a arm that is nonfunctional.It will be interesting, to say the least...