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The Mystery Of Death


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#1 Offline Athmos

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Posted Apr 24 2012 - 12:58 PM

No one is quite sure what happens before you die, or even after. Ko-Matoran Researchers have spent countless hours trying to figure it out. Oun-Matoran Miners have found dozens of ancient tablets, of ancient people trying to find out for themselves. Death, to all, is no mystery. It's the before and after, that is the mystery. My Turaga called me to his hut one day. It was a meeting that changed my life. He was sitting in his chair, telling me of his life. From his times as a Matoran, to his adventures as a Toa,all the way up to today. I asked him, questioned him, "Why are you telling me this?" He replied very simply. "When you see your life, you die." He had no sooner finished those words when his hut was hit by elemental energy, destroying it and killing him. I escaped, only to learn the attack was from Dark Hunters, coming for his life. Thus began, a war between the Toa on my island, and the Dark Hunters. The first battle between us was, sadly, my last. I charged at a Dark Hunter, a large brute with powerful claws. He was slow as well. He easily knocked me aside, even when I was at my fastest. As I looked up at him, his claws coming down at me, I remembered my Turaga's words. "When you see your life, you die." And I saw my life. My first time climbing a tree. My first attempt at riding a Rahi. My first meeting with the Turaga. When I became a Toa. When I fought my first battle. When I met....Ikoan..... It seemed to take a lifetime, a literal lifetime, for the clawed hand to finally reach me. It was a spurt of blood, a moment of pain and.... Nothing. Just light, light never ending. I wrote this over two days, while I was thinking about dying(Yes, I'm morbid, I can't help it.), and decided to write this. I'm not real pleased with this. Actually...... ....I think it SUCKS, but I'm not one to trash something I've written. Thanks for reading.
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#2 Offline Aderia

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Posted Apr 24 2012 - 03:29 PM

Ahaha, highfive for morbid-ness! The theme and concept of death, once you get over the stereotyped morbidness, is actually a great thing to get your writer's brain thinking, IMO.The only thing that I really didn't like about this story your Author's Note at the end,

I'm not real pleased with this. Actually......I think it SUCKS,

Anyways, I thought the all caps and bolded letters deserved an acronym. Call it nerdy overkill, if you will.S- Short, simple, not exactly sweet, but you get my jist. I think the most controversial thing about short stories is that people get intimidated and decide not to read them if they look too long, and if they're short, they can end up lacking. Not this story in particular, of course, just something I've noticed.U- Under estimating yourself. Okay, so I've been there, done that. And you've gotta be carefull, putting your own work down so much, because people might start to think you're fishing for compliments. Nothing personal, I've just had some experiences myself with this. It's kind of contradictory in itself, because if you really, truly thought it sucked, you wouldn't have finished writing it in the first place, let alone post it.C- Could use a few more details, like about who this Toa is, who that Ikoan was that was mentioned. At first I thought this was a Matoran narrating. Even though I liked the brief, distant tone the story was told in, I think some more expansion could have been done without losing that feel.K- Keep at it. Writing, that is. I saw the link to the BZPRPG in your sig, and let me say, I have the highest respect for all you RPers. I wish I had time in my schedule to be able to actively RP. It's a great way to practice writing, as far as I can tell, from what little RPing I've done on here.S- So overall, I give this a thumbs up. The insights on your opinion of dying were fascinating, but not in a creepy 'i'm obsessed with death' type of way. While it would be cool to have some more background on this character and his homeland and his death, etc. the detached sort of narration he (she?) gave us was different, in a good way.Keep up the good work!

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#3 Offline Athmos

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Posted Apr 24 2012 - 03:52 PM

Ahaha, highfive for morbid-ness! The theme and concept of death, once you get over the stereotyped morbidness, is actually a great thing to get your writer's brain thinking, IMO.The only thing that I really didn't like about this story your Author's Note at the end,

I'm not real pleased with this. Actually......I think it SUCKS,

Anyways, I thought the all caps and bolded letters deserved an acronym. Call it nerdy overkill, if you will.S- Short, simple, not exactly sweet, but you get my jist. I think the most controversial thing about short stories is that people get intimidated and decide not to read them if they look too long, and if they're short, they can end up lacking. Not this story in particular, of course, just something I've noticed.U- Under estimating yourself. Okay, so I've been there, done that. And you've gotta be carefull, putting your own work down so much, because people might start to think you're fishing for compliments. Nothing personal, I've just had some experiences myself with this. It's kind of contradictory in itself, because if you really, truly thought it sucked, you wouldn't have finished writing it in the first place, let alone post it.C- Could use a few more details, like about who this Toa is, who that Ikoan was that was mentioned. At first I thought this was a Matoran narrating. Even though I liked the brief, distant tone the story was told in, I think some more expansion could have been done without losing that feel.K- Keep at it. Writing, that is. I saw the link to the BZPRPG in your sig, and let me say, I have the highest respect for all you RPers. I wish I had time in my schedule to be able to actively RP. It's a great way to practice writing, as far as I can tell, from what little RPing I've done on here.S- So overall, I give this a thumbs up. The insights on your opinion of dying were fascinating, but not in a creepy 'i'm obsessed with death' type of way. While it would be cool to have some more background on this character and his homeland and his death, etc. the detached sort of narration he (she?) gave us was different, in a good way.Keep up the good work!

Haha, morbidness is a virtue.@S: I've always found my stories tuned to shorter tales, then normal.@U: Yes, you do have a point. I have always shared anything I've written. I just never liked the idea of writing something and then throwing it away or hiding it. Oh, I don't mean to seem like I want compliments.@C: This is actually the start of a series of stories based on this Toa. I thought the lack details would make people ask EXACTLY that.@K: Haha, I will. RPing may be a good training skill, but I always found re-writing your favorite quotes is good also.@S2: Thanks for the thumbs up. Yeah, death tends to be a rather picky subject. It's a he.

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#4 Offline Aderia

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Posted Apr 24 2012 - 03:57 PM

Oh, good, it's a start to a series. I'll try to remember to keep my eyes peeled for that one. I really am curious to see more about this Toa and his life :) And, also, sorry if it came across that I was accusing you of looking for compliments. I was vaguely referring to a couple of my friends at school who are...just a bit vain, lets put it that way.

Edited by Aderia: Toa of Ducklings, Apr 24 2012 - 03:58 PM.

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#5 Offline Athmos

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Posted Apr 24 2012 - 04:02 PM

Oh, good, it's a start to a series. I'll try to remember to keep my eyes peeled for that one. I really am curious to see more about this Toa and his life :) And, also, sorry if it came across that I was accusing you of looking for compliments. I was vaguely referring to a couple of my friends at school who are...just a bit vain, lets put it that way.

If I was in your shoes/sandals/heels, I would have said the same thing, so don't sweat it. And we all have.....vain friends.

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