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A Slip In Time

Time Vahi Metru-nui

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5 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Parazan

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Posted Apr 24 2012 - 07:36 PM

The Ko-Matoran walked across the thick snow; the Matoran had migrated back to Metru-Nui a few days ago. There was lots to be found. The Matoran was sent to see if the buildings on the very north of Ko-Metru were in a good condition. They weren't. As the Matoran was about to go back, he saw something frozen in the ice. It was an orange Kanohi. The Matoran got out his Pickaxe and got the mask out of the ice. It looked a lot like a Vahi. But how could a Vahi get all the way up here? Turaga Vakama had it in his possetion, but how could it get here and get frozen in a two-ton block of ice? He didn't know. All he knew was that it was his destiny to put on the mask. He put it on. Immediately, he vanished. He reappeared again. He saw that he was on a tiny island and that he was orange. He went into time. He decided to go into the future. He vanished and reappeared in a desert. He saw how a new civilization was developing. And then he saw how a shadow of the past engulfed him. He saw Teridax. They fought for what felt like hours. Then, Teridax was defeated. For now, at least. Then, the toa went back to Metru-nui."Ah, back you are", said Turaga Nuju, "what news have you?""The news are this: the buildings are all shattered.""Yes, but you aren't. You are the Toa that we have truly waited for. You are Toa Vahi, the Toa of Time!"
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#2 Offline Athmos

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Posted Apr 24 2012 - 07:45 PM

I get the idea, but it's short. You aren't giving us much plot to work with. The spelling and grammar is good, but there is little flow in this story, from one sentance to another.
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WIP


#3 Offline Toa Smoke Monster

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Posted Apr 24 2012 - 09:56 PM

I like the concept of this story. The Ko-Matoran finding the mask in the ruin of Ko-Metru was a good way to start this story. The plot of the story, though, feels rushed and too short. You can expand onto the story and add more details into it to help flesh it out. (For example, you could tell how the Ko-Matoran felt when he put on the mask, what he expected to happen when he put it on, his reaction when he arrived on that tiny island, etc.) This would really help the plot of the story flow better together.I do think that this story has a good start. It just needs a few more details added into it to make it even better.
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#4 Offline Parazan

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Posted May 03 2012 - 08:09 PM

Due to BZPower being hacked, I couldn't respond. Alright, I see what I should've added. Remember, this was my first ever short-story, so don't expect it to have a "10/10".
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#5 Offline Athmos

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Posted May 04 2012 - 01:12 PM

You never mentioned this was your first. Well, then it's pretty darn good for your first.
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WIP


#6 Offline Toa Sonis

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Posted May 06 2012 - 08:10 PM

The most interesting part for me is, my brother actually built a Toa Vahi (and that was his name). He never started as a Matoran, though. And his power was indeed the power of time..quite useful it can be, at that.
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I shall be saying this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by
and that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost, The Road Less Traveled




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