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Four-I's And The Mst3K Mantra


Jean Valjean

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:kaukau: Oh look, this happens to be my 3000th post and - wait, what's this?
fourisandthemst3kmantra.jpg

"Alright, now what was that?" said Ike."What was what?" asked Ian."That," said Ike, pointing upward.Ian paused and looked up. When all he heard was silence, he spun around to see if that changed his perspective at all, but ultimately the blue sky was the same old blue sky, and he didn't hear anything. "Are you sure you heard something?""Ywis, I'm positive," said Ike. he held out his hands in a grand gesture. "It quivered the air thus: 'Four-I's and the MST3K Mantra'. I detected it with the sense known as hearing. I affirm that I did.""Right," said Ian, smiling, thus ending the comedic opening scene.SUDDEN SCENE SHIFT!Ian, Ivan, Ike, and Io were hopelessly nerdy beyond repair. Among their interests included science, engineering, math, movies, comic books, and the holy grail of all toy products known as LEGO.One day Ian was playing with the holy grail of the holy grail, otherwise known as Bionicle. This was not to be confused with Spybotics; that was the divine grail. Of particular note were his MOCs, which were getting too big to afford all the pieces, and were almost forcing him to resort to disassembling his beloved Spybots in order to achieve the vision.It was while running out of pieces for the giant biomechanical brain component for his brain-floating-in-a-vat-of-bacta-cyborg-biomechanical-robot-frankenstian-alien-thing that he tossed his hands up, realizing that he didn't have the technic pieces that would have realistically depicted the left parietal lobe. Vaguely frustrated, he picked up his LEGO Rubik's Cube and shifted through it for a while.His friend Ivan walked in on him. His eyes shifted from Ian fidgeting around, bored, to the incomplete structure, and then from the incomplete structure to Ian fidgeting around, bored."I am not going to pay for the rest of those pieces," he said.Ian shrugged. "I guess I'll just have to find another way." He got out of his recliner and walked past Ivan to the other end of their dorm, where he knocked on Ike's door. While he waited, he looked back, peering through the door to his room. Ivan was setting aside the brain, incomplete parietal lobe and all, to make room on his labtop, where he began working on various DNA models. Ivan realized he was being looked hunched over."Don't look at me while I'm doing my work!" said Ivan. "I'm going to graduate from Imax Academy with a doctorate and valedictorian of my class, so long as I'm not interrupted.""But you like showing off," said Ian."Absolutely right," said Ivan. "Never mind, then. You can look, so long as I get to make you look dumb in comparison.""Deal," said Ian."Okay, starting off," said Ivan, "is the parietal lobe that you've had completed thus far. I know from what you've told me that this character is supposed to be male, but the parietal lobe here is too small and suggests feminine qualities. Ironic, since you were working predominantly with this lobe when you were creating this construction, so one would imagine that you would have wanted to make this larger given your understanding of anatomy and personal preference for enlarged parietal lobes.""Now that was because I didn't have the right number of pieces," said Ian. "I wanted to make it bigger and would have done so even if the character, Logarithm, was female. I personally admire women with a large - ""And furthermore, I'm not seeing the rational connection between the brain and the body," said Ivan. "There are only five wires, hardly enough to carry the complex signals for a brain so large. Any further transmitting would have to be carried out through hormones or perhaps some protist-like cells akin to those found in a sponge, which would hardly be practical for fast computing.""That was actually what I had in mind. You see, in the Bionicle universe - ""Well, obviously in the Bionicle universe one can get away with whatever he wants, because Greg Farshtey wrote it that way," said Ivan, "which is sloppy writing and clearly the works of an amateur who doesn't want to think through realistic problems.""Yes, Ivan. You're always right," said Ian, who shrugged his friend's criticism off.Back to Ike's door. It was still closed, and Ike still hadn't answered. Ian knocked again. There was still no response, so Ian held his ear against the door. There was a whirring sound inside and various clicking noises. He knocked again, this time hoping that three times would be enough charm.The door burst open to show Io. She was wearing a pair of goggles, welder's gloves, and a gas mask that gave her Darth Vader breath. What a bad omen.She took off her gloves to shake Ian's hand. "Good day to you, sir Ian!""Yeah, I was just having trouble with my MOCing," said Ian. "I was wondering if Ike could help, since he's a resourceful super-genius who might be helpful. But then again, you're a resourceful female with a large pair of parietal lobes, so maybe you could help. You like solving puzzles, right?""Actually, too busy right now. I've been trying to work with a few formulas left behind by Ike," said Io. She pulled out a roll of papers that had been sticking out from her pocket. "See these? I'm just looking for the right supplies, but they're escaping me. Something tells me that the secret formula requires food, but that's ridiculous."Ian pushed past Io. "Let me see. What is it?"Io held out the front page of the blueprints dramatically out in front of Ian, where an overly detailed picture of a satellite dish pointed at a comic book was thoroughly sketched out. There was another dish aiming at people, an ark, and a few other supplies. He looked up from the design to see an exact replica of the scene before him."Wow, where did you get all these supplies?" asked Ian."Oh, various places. I won a bet with the head of NASA, for starters, and traded with terrorists who couldn't tell the difference between nuclear bombs and disassembled pinball machines," said Io. "The rest I made by myself. Using parts from pinball machines But there's something missing."Ian looked at the contraption. "Well, Ike's visiting the grocery store, right? So he should be back any minute to help complete this.""No no no no no," said Io. "He didn't come up with the designs. He cam up with the outline and the superphysics theories, but I did all the rest."Ian took the paper from Io while Io scratched her forehead, deep in thought. He observed the equations until his brain went numb. Ike was quite an extraordinary mind and most of it flew past him, especially when he flipped to the next page and found Ike's notes written in size 0.1 font. he went over to Ike's homemade computer and looked up what he could, then enlarged everything he could. It was still unfathomable, but between two supergeniuses, he figured he could put something together.For the next few hours, over which time Ike realistically should have come home but didn't because that's just not the way that this story works, Ian and Io pieces together what they could about the necessary ingredients to complete the device. Finally, the solution hit Ian."Of course!" he said. "Strawberry-Kiwi-Banana flavored bubble-gum! How could I not see it before?"He ran to the kitchen to get the aforementioned gum, but could only find Strawberry-Kiwi-Apple flavored gum instead. Then he remembered that Ivan was particularly fond of Strawberry-Kiwi-Banana and ran back to his room to search Ivan's backpack."Woah! Hey! What are you doing?" digressed Ivan."Oh, I just need to permanently borrow this," said Ian, once he found the gum. "See you!"Ivan chased him all the way down the hall to Ike's room, until he bumped into Io. "Io! I should have known that you were behind this! What are you doing having Ian rummage through my stuff?"While Ivan was distracted, Ian took the bubblegum, opened a panel, and chewed while looking at the circuits, trying to remember the right connections. When he noticed them, he spit out the Strawberry-Kiwi-Banana bubblegum and applied it to the necessary circuits."...and what the devil is this contraption here?" continued Ivan."Well you are a self-righteous, overly annoyed, mean, prude - oomph!" said Io as Ian brushed past her."Excuse me! There's supposed to be a comic book," said Ian hurriedly. He went to his room and grabbed his favorite issue of Bionicle. Needless to say, it was the first one. The one where Gali looked a little like a guy, Tahu looked as angry as ever, and Lewa looked pretty sleek. Or at least on the cover. Then he rushed back, again pushing Ivan and Io aside."Oomph!" said Io."Oomph!" said Ivan."There, now it's complete," said Ian."What is this piece of junk, anyway?" said Ivan, getting back to his senses and noticing the contraption in the room for the first time."Something I invented," said Io, getting in his face and confronting him once again, which really wasn't helping at all."Oh, so this is all about you," shrugged Ivan. "I should have figured, you and your childish pursuits.""For the record, I'm actually making sense out of Ike's designs!""Really now? Hand me those designs," he snapped. Io did so defiantly, and he looked them over, hmmph-ing and harumph-ing every few seconds. "They make absolutely no sense whatsoever.""How dare you question the genius of Ike!" said Io, being conspicuously defensive and red in the face."Oh no, I'm not questioning his genius," said Ivan. "It's far too great for my mind to comprehend, so I gave up bothering. It's just that I have severe doubts that you could have made anything out of them. What's a 'Fourth Wall Converter' anyway?" he noted as he looked down at the title of the blueprints."You know, I'm not entirely sure," said Io, crossing her arms. "But I'll figure out over time, you'll see.""Let's find out right now!" said Ian, who had been looking back and forth between the two opponents with amusement the whole time, since it honestly hadn't taken too long to set the comic book in front of the satellite dish and he had to do something during that long period of dialogue that didn't include him in any way. Then he walked over to the control panel and slammed his hand down on the first thing that caught his eye."No, not the big red button!" shouted Io.Unfortunately, whenever there is a big red button in a story like this, the laws of nature dictate that invariably it has to be pushed, and therefore Ian could not be blamed for his actions.The next thing they knew, a light came from both satellite dishes and engulfed them, along with a funky sound effect that sounded like it came from MNOG. Each caught in their respective orbs of blue light, the orbs shrank into nothingness until they were mere points on the Euclidian plane, and then until they were literally negative volumes, as inconceivable as that was. When they expanded again into nothingness and then back into somethingness again, they no longer existed in the space of their version of planet Earth anymore, but rather...Well, their new location pretty much went without saying for any reader with any morsel of genre savviness.Speaking of which, Ian, who was incredibly genre-savvy, burst out in a giant hallelujah chorus and ran around in circles. "THIS IS CONVENIENTLY INSANE!!"And then, suddenly, the yet-to-be-composed Four-I's theme song began to play, since now seems like the place where it would have popped up had this story been a part of the television medium. Obviously, readers won't be able to actually hear it, but they can imagine the song. So just imagine it. The song's working title is "i".Your Honor,Emperor Kraggh

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This is a work of staggering genius. I should not be surprised. :P*googles parietal lobes*

"Okay, starting off," said Ivan, "is the parietal lobe that you've had completed thus far. I know from what you've told me that this character is supposed to be male, but the parietal lobe here is too small and suggests feminine qualities. Ironic, since you were working predominantly with this lobe when you were creating this construction, so one would imagine that you would have wanted to make this larger given your understanding of anatomy and personal preference for enlarged parietal lobes.""Now that was because I didn't have the right number of pieces," said Ian. "I wanted to make it bigger and would have done so even if the character, Logarithm, was female. I personally admire women with a large - "* * *["]But then again, you're a resourceful female with a large pair of parietal lobes, so maybe you could help. You like solving puzzles, right?"

Based on this, I have carefully crafted a dislike for Ivan, and a liking for Ian. Deficiencies in mental processing are not feminine, Mr. Ivan. Our brains are the same size, we just make different use of it.

"And furthermore, I'm not seeing the rational connection between the brain and the body," said Ivan. "There are only five wires, hardly enough to carry the complex signals for a brain so large. Any further transmitting would have to be carried out through hormones or perhaps some protist-like cells akin to those found in a sponge, which would hardly be practical for fast computing."

This is hilarious, one of the best lines here. As a random side question, have you taken AP Biology or a college level biology course? Because I remember those terms you have just run off as AP Biology terms, which helped me to understand this. Intelligent humor for the win. :)

"That was actually what I had in mind. You see, in the Bionicle universe - ""Well, obviously in the Bionicle universe one can get away with whatever he wants, because Greg Farshtey wrote it that way," said Ivan, "which is sloppy writing and clearly the works of an amateur who doesn't want to think through realistic problems.""Yes, Ivan. You're always right," said Ian, who shrugged his friend's criticism off.

We shall see how that works for you, Ivan. :evilgrin:

"Oh, various places. I won a bet with the head of NASA, for starters, and traded with terrorists who couldn't tell the difference between nuclear bombs and disassembled pinball machines," said Io. "The rest I made by myself. Using parts from pinball machines But there's something missing."

I like Io. Pinball machines own.

Unfortunately, whenever there is a big red button in a story like this, the laws of nature dictate that invariably it has to be pushed, and therefore Ian could not be blamed for his actions.The next thing they knew, a light came from both satellite dishes and engulfed them, along with a funky sound effect that sounded like it came from MNOG. Each caught in their respective orbs of blue light, the orbs shrank into nothingness until they were mere points on the Euclidian plane, and then until they were literally negative volumes, as inconceivable as that was. When they expanded again into nothingness and then back into somethingness again, they no longer existed in the space of their version of planet Earth anymore, but rather...Well, their new location pretty much went without saying for any reader with any morsel of genre savviness.Speaking of which, Ian, who was incredibly genre-savvy, burst out in a giant hallelujah chorus and ran around in circles. "THIS IS CONVENIENTLY INSANE!!"

Of course, they are going to the Bionicle universe. I never would have guessed. :lol:
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"Conviniently insane" seems an appropriate way to express it... ^_^I think I learned more anatomy in just that short chapter than in any other thing I've ever read. http://www.bzpower.com/board/public/style_emoticons/default/tounge2.gif

I shall be saying this with a sigh

somewhere ages and ages hence:

two roads diverged in a wood, and I

I took the one less traveled by

and that has made all the difference.

 

-Robert Frost, The Road Less Traveled

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