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Lego Exo-Force Book 1: The Gorge (Review Topic)

Exo-Force Exo Force Exo Force Manga Anime Mech Mecha Battle Machine Robot

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#1 Offline joev14

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Posted May 16 2012 - 08:27 PM

You can read my book here: http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=4690Please give me some feedback, don't be afraid to be a critique!
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Joev14, Owner of Infinite Inspiration Incorporated

 

check out the exo-force wiki, owned by yours truly :D

 
My Epics
The Powers That Be Continuation | The Yesterday Quest Continuation
Secrets of the Star Cont. | End of the Beginning Cont. (VIDEO PODCAST SERIES) | Element of Surprise Cont.
 
My Short Stories 
The Last Memories | Birth of the Kal | Key of the Codrex | Web of Karzahni
The Depths Below | Monster | Out of the Darkness | Archive

 


#2 Offline Cederak

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Posted May 21 2012 - 08:53 PM

Hello, joev14, here is part 1 of your official ECC review. I must admit, while I was already familiar with the Exo-Force characters (humans and robots) I was never terribly interested in the Exo-Force lore, or the sets for that matter. I did take the time to do the additional reading you recommending though. That in mind, I think I’ll start by addressing the grammatical issues. If you made any of these changes in the versions of your chapters posted to BZP, I apologize. I read your epics directly from the wiki links you posted in order to more easily check links for background info on subjects I needed a refresher about.Chapter 1:

The two robots walked into a dense Jungle, silently looking around, and not saying anything, robots feel no need for conversation, they are both almost the same in programming, and anything they think of the other has already calculated, and there’s no point in wasting energy on pointing it out unless it poses a threat.

Definitely split this into two or more sentences.

Suddenly there was a rustle of leaves, and the Devastator turned towards the sound, aiming its blaster carefully. Suddenly the bushes parted and a squirrel darted out from the brush.

It seemed off that both sentences began with “Suddenly.” I’m sure you can be more creative.Chapter 4:

(SEE! It’s not always the big red button!).

I get that you were trying to make a point, and crack a joke at pop culture at the same time, but that really ruined the pacing. I’m not necessarily saying to take it out, because if you can find a better way to address the matter, go for it.The ECC does accept epics that cover any Lego-related work. However, when I stumble upon non-Bionicle requests, I’m always a little curious about why their work wouldn’t have been more suitable on a different website. But let’s get back on topic. The Gorge provides a vague sense of mystery regarding the entity that crosses paths with Meca One, and I think that might’ve been the complete scope of engagement you created. The Gorge is a short interlude between what had been a notable confrontation and the Comic you linked to at the end. It serves a purpose as a minor event, and as such, may have worked as a single short story. No chapters, but one short story. Because that’s what it really felt like.So now, let’s talk characters. If someone is invested in a particular fictional universe, they probably know the attitudes of the main characters, their motives, their beliefs, etc. Even with Bionicle fanfics, that fact sometimes lends to a copout in regard to the writer. By this I mean that you didn’t explore the characters much. Meca One as a machine is one dimensional on his own, but the humans feel just as mechanical in their actions. Almost forced, perhaps…if that makes sense.The plot remains relatively consistent. Meca One struggles to remain active and online, while the humans are busy playing clean-up after their recent victory. Again, that just doesn’t feel like epic material because the scope is so narrow. It’s a complaint neither of us can do anything about now, but definitely consider in the future, even if your work feels a bit long, ask yourself: should this be an epic or just a short story that’s drawn out a bit? There’s nothing wrong with either, it just helps to classify them properly.Overall, The Gorge serves its purpose and fills in the blanks between one major event and the next. Unfortunately, it falls short from characters as lifeless as Meca One and (what I believe could be) an interesting landscape dropped in place of hurrying through your plot. Still, you made very few grammatical mistakes along the way, and that leads me to believe you have potential, despite the story’s shortcomings. Pace yourself, focus on detailing the world around your characters, invest yourself in really bringing out those characters, and analyze dialogue to ensure it sounds natural. Writing is like Sentai Mountain, joev. The climb is hard work and even if you make it, there’s always more work to be done. Keep at it, joev.-Ced

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#3 Offline joev14

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Posted May 21 2012 - 09:14 PM

Hello, joev14, here is part 1 of your official ECC review. I must admit, while I was already familiar with the Exo-Force characters (humans and robots) I was never terribly interested in the Exo-Force lore, or the sets for that matter. I did take the time to do the additional reading you recommending though. That in mind, I think I’ll start by addressing the grammatical issues. If you made any of these changes in the versions of your chapters posted to BZP, I apologize. I read your epics directly from the wiki links you posted in order to more easily check links for background info on subjects I needed a refresher about.

Chapter 4:

(SEE! It’s not always the big red button!).

I get that you were trying to make a point, and crack a joke at pop culture at the same time, but that really ruined the pacing. I’m not necessarily saying to take it out, because if you can find a better way to address the matter, go for it.

I felt as if the book needed a little bit of comic relief, and I enjoy having the narrator say something now and then.

The ECC does accept epics that cover any Lego-related work. However, when I stumble upon non-Bionicle requests, I’m always a little curious about why their work wouldn’t have been more suitable on a different website. But let’s get back on topic. The Gorge provides a vague sense of mystery regarding the entity that crosses paths with Meca One, and I think that might’ve been the complete scope of engagement you created. The Gorge is a short interlude between what had been a notable confrontation and the Comic you linked to at the end. It serves a purpose as a minor event, and as such, may have worked as a single short story. No chapters, but one short story. Because that’s what it really felt like.So now, let’s talk characters. If someone is invested in a particular fictional universe, they probably know the attitudes of the main characters, their motives, their beliefs, etc. Even with Bionicle fanfics, that fact sometimes lends to a copout in regard to the writer. By this I mean that you didn’t explore the characters much. Meca One as a machine is one dimensional on his own, but the humans feel just as mechanical in their actions. Almost forced, perhaps…if that makes sense.The plot remains relatively consistent. Meca One struggles to remain active and online, while the humans are busy playing clean-up after their recent victory. Again, that just doesn’t feel like epic material because the scope is so narrow. It’s a complaint neither of us can do anything about now, but definitely consider in the future, even if your work feels a bit long, ask yourself: should this be an epic or just a short story that’s drawn out a bit? There’s nothing wrong with either, it just helps to classify them properly.Overall, The Gorge serves its purpose and fills in the blanks between one major event and the next. Unfortunately, it falls short from characters as lifeless as Meca One and (what I believe could be) an interesting landscape dropped in place of hurrying through your plot. Still, you made very few grammatical mistakes along the way, and that leads me to believe you have potential, despite the story’s shortcomings. Pace yourself, focus on detailing the world around your characters, invest yourself in really bringing out those characters, and analyze dialogue to ensure it sounds natural. Writing is like Sentai Mountain, joev. The climb is hard work and even if you make it, there’s always more work to be done. Keep at it, joev.

I really did feel very limited when writing this book, and not having a whole lot of room for ideas (Since I like to keep my books lined up with the canon as best I can, and there are so many little mistakes you can make that ruin that), this was more of an adventure book rather then an action book.Thanks for your advice, I've gone through and fixed my grammatical errors, and I'll consider what you said about focusing on the area around the characters and fleshing the characters out more in my future books, thanks! :)

Edited by joev14, May 21 2012 - 09:18 PM.

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Joev14, Owner of Infinite Inspiration Incorporated

 

check out the exo-force wiki, owned by yours truly :D

 
My Epics
The Powers That Be Continuation | The Yesterday Quest Continuation
Secrets of the Star Cont. | End of the Beginning Cont. (VIDEO PODCAST SERIES) | Element of Surprise Cont.
 
My Short Stories 
The Last Memories | Birth of the Kal | Key of the Codrex | Web of Karzahni
The Depths Below | Monster | Out of the Darkness | Archive

 





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