Jump to content

To Take The Stars From The Sky


Simulacrum

Recommended Posts

To Take The Stars From The Sky

Sweat pouring down his face, a tall, somewhat-bulky Toa of Iron repeatedly brought his hammer down on a piece of self-created protosteel, using his powers to influence the metal. Even with increased endurance, the forge’s temperatures were nearly unbearable. As he worked in the blistering heat, Tirus breathed heavily, his chest heaving every time he drew in, and released air.There had been news of a force closing in on the Ta-Wahian village of Dencry, but inside the forge, inside his element, the approaching danger was ignored by Tirus. There was only the metal before him, the sparks in the air, and the fire in the stone cubicle. Wiping the sweat off his brow, he placed the metal in the heat once more, closing his eyes as he focused, loosing the metal, softening it. Protosteel was nigh-unsmithable, but he needed the widgets. Sighing, he pulled out the metal, twirling the hammer with his free hand. In seconds, the metal was back on the anvil, and the sounds of hammer strikes filled the air. His creation’s shape was beginning to be revealed, An amulet, round and curving, bulging in the center, covered with twirling and arcing steel lines. In a few minutes, the miracle of metal working was finished, and he placed it in the water barrel, never flinching at the screams and hiss of liquid evaporating. Wiping off the sweat with a blackened rag, he managed a smile as he opened the door that connected the smithy to a waiting-room. As his eyes fell upon his customer, he blushed. A Vortixx, dressed in rather expensive clothes, sat formally, her hands clasped in her lap. The reason for Tirus’s embarrassment was simple; He only wore a pair of tattered jeans when smithing. The request for the item was delivered by messenger, he had no idea who wanted the creation, only what time they’d be showing up. Handing the amulet to her, he spoke. “That was a rather interesting request. May I ask what you intend to do with this?” The blushing in his cheeks died down as he spoke.“It… It is a gift.” She said, her voice starting out dignified, and slowly descending into something more casual. “A gift for someone I have yet to meet.” She didn’t look at him as she spoke. Sitting down in the seat opposite to hers, he grinned slightly. “Someone you have yet to met, eh?” He winced as he used improper speech, subconsciously revert to his preferred style of speaking. “Yes…” She said, now the one blushing. “For a lover.” She glanced up at him as she spoke. “Well then,” Tirus hastily replied. “I wish you the best of luck in finding that man.”After giving her thanks, the Vortixx left, and Tirus sat there, pondering on what she had meant with the last sentence.“Oh my-” He said as he slammed his palm against his forehead. “Am I daft?! She meant me!” That was the last time Tirus saw the Vortixx. Many nights, he would dream of seeing her again, but never in the flesh did it happen. In the weeks after Tirus’s smithing of the amulet, the village of Dencry erupted in war with the Onu-Wahian city of Shadefist, ruled by the Tyrant only known as Onyx. Every able-bodied male and female was drafted, and Tirus quickly made his way through the ranks, growing hard as he witnessed more and more deaths, interrogations, and scenes of despair. He lost his innocence in that war, something he could never regain, not that he tried in those times. He, a youth, able-bodied, bright, and friendly, had his soul twisted, so that he became a shining knight with a less than-shiny essence. He killed, tortured and destroyed in the name of his superiors, and he did it without hesitation. One day, when razing a farmhouse, and the surrounding fields to the ground, Tirus came upon a scene that made him question the fact his side was the ‘good one’. After burning the house to the ground, he was tasked, along with two subordinates, in finding all and any survivors. After rounding up the two Vortixx owners, he went out in search of their offspring, a male and female of age only slightly less than his. The corpse of the male was identified, burned badly, but the female was still alluding capture. His two subordinates off looking for her, he sifted through the ashes of what had previously been a beautiful structure. Their were few things that survived the fire, metal and crystal jewelry and weapons for the most part, but one family heirloom, a wooden display case, survived. Opening the badly burned construct, he discovered a single clay slab inside, carved on it, the likeness of the Vortixx family, all standing side by side, smiles on their faces. Putting the slab in his pack, he leapt onto his mount. As he began to search for the two privates who he was tasked with leading, a piercing scream filled the air. Laying flat on his mount, a Kane-ra bull, he sped towards where the sound came from. Dismounting, he came upon a horrifying scene, two Skakdi, privates in the army of his village, drawing their blades on the Vortixx female, who laid in the mud, the clothes left on her in tatters. “STEP ASIDE!” Tirus roared in anger, pushing the two stunned Skakdi away. Kneeling down, he checked her pulse. Bruises covered her arms and torso, and her eyes were wet with tears. As he gently picked her up, she managed to whisper. “You’re one of them… why would you do this?” She asked, her voice only audible to him. His mouth contorting into a frown, he spoke. “Because I feel no need for more death.” “You destroyed all I have… why stop now, after all that?” She asked. The question stunned him. “I destroyed because… because I was I told.” He replied, his thoughts being tested. “And If they told you to take the stars from the sky? To take the shine from the sun? To take the life from your loved ones, would you do this too?” Tirus remained many silent many moments after she asked this question. He had never stopped to think, never stopped to question. A single tear fell down his cheek, he spoke. “I never… I never thought-” He began, choking up as he spoke. “I… I’m sorry.” He managed to continue as he laid her limp form on the Kane-Ra. Only as he rode through the woods, did he begin to speak once more.“You… I…” He said, unable to find words to translate his thoughts. “You… You are truly sorry for your actions.” She managed to say, her voice wavering. “You are different…” Pausing her speech, she pulled something off her neck with one of her arms, putting around his. Instantly, Tirus knew what it was. The amulet he had created so many years previous, the amulet which he gave to the Vortixx of which he dreamed often. The Vortixx of which now laid in front of him, nearing death. “You… My smithy…” He began to say, tears streaming down his cheeks freely. “Yes… That was… me…” She said, tears flowing from her eyes as well. “I give you this… for you… are… my… last… friend… my… lover…” She said, her voice a barely audible whisper. “Don’t. Don’t leave me.” Tirus wept , holding her hand against his chest. She couldn’t leave. Not now. These were the only thoughts in his mind as he rode at a foolishly break-neck pace. There was no mount. No trees. No forest. Only him, her, and the words.***The words had cheated him. The Vortixx had already been dead when he arrived at the Ta-Koro hospital. He had officially been branded a deserter, and had changed his name. Tirus was the only thing he went by now. Shadefist had won the war, but he cared not. Nothing mattered after that day. After that day, he would drown his thoughts in a innumerable amount of bottles. Tears fell freely, mixed with whiskey. One day, after a particularly vicious bar-fight, he laid bloody in the street, resembling his lover from so many years ago, when a stranger appeared, dressed in a cloak. He towered over the Toa, and the words he spoke to the half-conscious Tirus were the best he had heard in a while. “Hmmm… that was quite a fight. Twelve against one, and you killed all but the last one. That mace undoubtedly packed quite the punch.” He continued as he leaned down next to him. “Oh, I know you can hear me. Know the name of your savior, Toa.” The being said as he lifted Tirus up, and began to drag him towards the nearest hospital. “Know me as The Great Hound.”  

Edited by D.A.V.E.

pNNgXax.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Another good story from an undoubtedly talented writer. Apart the few typing errors, this is a really enjoyable piece. Very well done.I lol'd at the facepalm sequence. Funny yet intense writing. I hope to see a story for Hound, a sort of spin-off. Go on this way and have a nice holiday, you awesome writer, 'coz you really deserve to!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi D.A.V.E., it’s time for an SSCC3 official review. Remember, you asked for it.-------First impressions: definitely an enjoyable read. You’ve got action, betrayal, a bit of romance. All of these combine to make a story that flows quite well overall. Your sense of description is very well developed, and as a reader that means that it’s very easy to form a rich picture of the scenes. There’s also a great deal of emotional content that is expressed quite well through the medium of your characters, all culminating as a satisfying backstory for your main character.However, as always, there is room for improvement, and that’s the point of writing a review! But you knew that already.----------Probably the main thing that could stand improvement here isn’t actually related to the structure of the writing. The vital areas such as description, pacing, dialogue, etc. are all well-crafted. Instead, as a reader, it was the development of your main character Tirus and his relationship with the female Vortixx that left something to be desired.Tirus seems to start out alright, he’s good-natured, unafraid—certainly not someone I as a reader would expect to turn bad. But he changes abruptly at the transition from the first to the second scene, becoming a hard, cruel, ruthless character. Despite the fact that this is blamed on his witnessing many deaths, the fact that none of these life-changing events is described makes this sudden, drastic shift in Tirus’s personality a bit unconvincing. Because of this, Tirus’s second change in personality at the end is also rather unconvincing. This second point may partially be due to the fact that the relationship between Tirus and “his lover” never seems to be explicitly established.Now, these might seem like harsh words, but I believe you have the potential here for a really great story with a few adjustments and finessing.The solution to the problem of Tirus’s character development is pretty simple, actually, and it involves the balance between showing and telling within a narrative. As it is, you as the author tell the reader how Tirus has changed, but nothing is actually shown that makes those changes real or effective. I’m thinking of this section as an example:

Every able-bodied male and female was drafted, and Tirus quickly made his way through the ranks, growing hard as he witnessed more and more deaths, interrogations, and scenes of despair. He lost his innocence in that war, something he could never regain, not that he tried in those times. He, a youth, able-bodied, bright, and friendly, had his soul twisted, so that he became a shining knight with a less than-shiny essence. He killed, tortured and destroyed in the name of his superiors, and he did it without hesitation.

Here, as a reader, I am told that Tirus changed, that he grew hard and lost his innocence, that his soul was twisted, and that’s all fine, because it’s true in the story. But as a reader I have to basically take you “at your word,” and therefore the changes you describe don’t have as much weight as they could. If you were instead to show the reader how these things occurred—perhaps by adding a sequence in the transition point including some brief examples of situations that changed Tirus—it would certainly make the emotional point hit home far more effectively.The second point I mentioned above has to do with the final scene of your story, when Tirus re-encounters the female Vortixx. Now, the actual change that Tirus undergoes in this scene isn’t bad at all—he’s overcome by remorse and guilt, etc. That’s fine, but the motivation for such feelings is not really convincing, because they are based on his love for the Vortixx, which, once again, is only told to the reader (i.e. in the first scene), rather than shown. The solution to this problem may be the same as for the first point—add something to show that Tirus has feelings for the Vortixx, other than the fact that he blushes upon their first encounter (:P). This might seem a bit petty, but the relationship between these two characters really is the crux of your story, and if it doesn’t work well, there are consequences for the rest of the narrative.----------And that’ll conclude this review. I’ll skip the nitpicks, since I didn’t notice any major typos and most things I did notice were stylistic choices on your part. Again, I think you’ve got a well-crafted story here, and it only needs some final additions to make a truly compelling tale. An enjoyable read, overall. Keep writing. I look forward to more.JRRT
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...