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Return Of The Shadow (Review Topic)


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4 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Toa Of Virtues

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Posted May 22 2012 - 09:24 PM

http://www.bzpower.c...93

Edited by Toa Of Virtues, May 23 2012 - 02:47 PM.

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#2 Offline fishers64

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Posted May 23 2012 - 02:38 PM

The topic is available now...Anyway, very interesting idea. I encourage you to write more on that. If all your chapters are that short, however, I would suggest combining chapters together. Make it a little easier to read. Another thing that would make it easier to read is breaking up the one paragraph into a few smaller paragraphs. Still, interesting idea, a good start to what you're doing.
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#3 Offline man774

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Posted Jun 18 2012 - 12:13 PM

Very intesting. I am intriuged about what might happen with the shadow kraata.
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#4 Offline Cederak

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Posted Jun 20 2012 - 11:11 PM

Man, you're really spitting out chapters at quite a rate, huh? Crazy Makuta plans and a Matoro ghost reference? I don't know where you're headed with all this, but it's engaging so far. Just a few spelling errors I noticed though.Chapter 1

Teridax pointer the spear at the center of his chest as if he was to stab himself,

Spelling: pointedChapter 2

buried under a piece of the forer moon of Aqua Magna.

Spelling: former

Vezidax reached a curios hand to the liquid.

Spelling: curiousChapter 3

and could easily nock the walls away in an instant with a blast of shadow,

Spelling: knockChapter 4.3

With two Krahi already down,

Don't you mean three (fire, water, stone)?It stands to reason that Teridax would have a contingency plan as convoluted as the one you postulated in this epic. Despite the shortcomings of some of your dialogue and lack of description, it's that iconic detail that Teridax places in his plans that really shines for this epic to me. The bit about Matoro really felt out of place, but I assume you're planning to revisit that as a plot point later on.Also, there's this meme going around under the name "Seems Legit." I'm not sure if you know it exists and you were parodying it, or this is purely coincidental. Either way, it made these lines unnecessarily funny to me.

“How come you don’t know anything about this planet?” Metus asked, “Are you one of those things that Mata Nui brought here?”“That’s none of your business” Vezidax growled, “Just tell me what I want to know and I’ll help you”Seemed legit.

I liked the idea of the elemental Kraata (or Krahi as you refer to them), and they seem superior to the Rahkshi. Of course, I should also talk a bit about your main character, Vezidax. He's still trying to figure out the world around him after living in darkness for millennia. And now he's being thrown into the light of knowledge and of day. As he is right now, he feels one-dimensional, but there's plenty of opportunity for that to change as the story progresses.You're off to a decent start though. Keep at it.-Ced

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#5 Offline Toa Of Virtues

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Posted Jun 21 2012 - 10:50 AM

Man, you're really spitting out chapters at quite a rate, huh? Crazy Makuta plans and a Matoro ghost reference? I don't know where you're headed with all this, but it's engaging so far. Just a few spelling errors I noticed though.-Ced

Thanks for the review! I'll get to fixing thoes spelling mistakes right away, and the "seems legit" part was coincidental, but intentionally funny.I felt Metus as comic relief, and it just felt like it fit to me. Vezidax's character will get deeper as the story progresses.Also, when Vezidax said "With two Krahi already down" that means he already made two Krahi, not that he had two Krahi left to make.Thanks for reviewing my epic! It's my first epic, so I can use all the help I can get!

Edited by Toa Of Virtues, Jun 21 2012 - 11:00 AM.

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