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University Of North Spherus Magna


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6 replies to this topic

#1 Offline tent163phantoka

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Posted May 26 2012 - 03:39 PM

WARNING: tent163phantoka industries will not claim responsibility for any ill that befalls you directly or indirectly because of this comedy.Narrator: It has been 108 years since the Death of Makuta Teridax. Spherus Magna has educational systems similar to those on Earth, thanks to Turaga Nokama. Her most proud accomplishment in this regard is setting up what you and I might call university systems, and somehow the term university popped into her head on what to call these huge schools that had a sort of universe of study topics. The focus of this comedy is the rather odd crown jewel: University of North Spherus Magna, or UNSM. These are the stories of said university. But first, we must go over some of the rules of the establishment. Be warned, they are very strange, so I have acronymed them with explanations.Rules:
    [*]You do not talk about parakeets.[*]You do NOT talk about fight club.[*]RESPECT THE MATA NUI COWS.[*]Do not capitalize the “k” in kolhii.[*]Fine for breaking the rules is 5 widgets per offense; this is only payable in gum.[*] Campus currency is gum. Any kind and flavor will do. Nothing else, end of story.[*]Rule 3 applies to both this university’s sports teams and the Rahi they are named for.[*]Febreeze must be readily available in all bathrooms, kitchens, and potentially smelly bags. (which means all bags, even those used to carry lunch)[*]No Cursing.[*]Jenga is to be played at least once a day by all students.[*]All students must say or write at least one thing that produces a mental image of any kind.[*]Students studying to be painters must paint at least one fruit bowl during their imprisonment time here.[*]Each fruit bowl painted must be consumed within 72 hours of the completion of the painting.[*]Finally, all students must dance awkwardly once a day to receive full credit for their classes.[*]Have a nice day.[/list]Narrator: Enjoy the future chapters. Almost any resemblance to any persons living, dead, undead, sorta dead, fake dead,drugged, Merv Griffin, really dead, or somehow reincarnated as a steakhouse is purely coincidental, as is any resemblance to any events past, present, or future. the Acronyms seem to have been lost, so you'll have to decipher the rules on your own. no wrong answers.

    Edited by tent163phantoka, May 26 2012 - 04:10 PM.

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#2 Offline Toa Sonis

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Posted May 26 2012 - 11:20 PM

Almost any resemblance to any persons living, dead, undead, sorta dead, fake dead,drugged, Merv Griffin, really dead, or somehow reincarnated as a steakhouse is purely coincidental

Although I've never seen anyone reincarnated as a steakhouse, that'd be how I'd like to go...

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I shall be saying this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by
and that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost, The Road Less Traveled

#3 Offline tent163phantoka

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Posted May 27 2012 - 09:46 AM

Almost any resemblance to any persons living, dead, undead, sorta dead, fake dead,drugged, Merv Griffin, really dead, or somehow reincarnated as a steakhouse is purely coincidental

Although I've never seen anyone reincarnated as a steakhouse, that'd be how I'd like to go...

Same here, my friend. chapter 2 will be written tomorrow.

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#4 Offline fishers64

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Posted May 27 2012 - 03:47 PM

I found this...introduction...and list of rules somewhat amusing. You might get more reviews, however, if you had included a story with it...usually that's what we're looking for. As it stands, I look forward to reading the story you have made up about this school with these rules. Arise, go forth, and post it! :)
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#5 Offline tent163phantoka

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Posted May 27 2012 - 05:32 PM

Alright, I'll write and post chapter two soon, but Here's a character list.Pridak-Finally accepted into UNSM after 20 tries. Has Given up as a warlord and is majoring in painting. Very ahead-of schedule. main character.Ehlek-Has also given up on being a warlord. very hyper. Major: Annoyology Mantax-Has also given up on being a warlord. studying Marine biologyProf. Kau- anthropromorphic Mata Nui Cow/experiment. Very intelligent, has a stereotypical British accent, and teaches painting.Random Skrall/Glatorian- the mass of the Student Body at UNSM.

Edited by tent163phantoka, May 27 2012 - 05:32 PM.

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#6 Offline Ehlekdude

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Posted May 28 2012 - 02:13 PM

What I have read I have really liked. Especially the rules are random and most amusing, it's also good that Ehlek is hyper. Eagerly awaiting future chapters.
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517px-Clone_Wars_-_Season_5_Trailer_2_-_


#7 Offline Purple God

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Posted May 29 2012 - 06:12 AM

Well, here's your requested CCC Review. It's not much, but then again, there isn't much to your comedy at the present time.Firstly, placing a paragraph break between your disclaimer and the Narrator's introduction would be better, seeing that it would be easier to discern between the main meat of the story and the add-ons. Adding a break in between the introduction and the 'Rules' would also help.

Fine for breaking the rules is 5 widgets per offense; this is only payable in gum.

You should add 'The' to the start, for right now 'the rules' is the subject, which is incorrect, seeing that you are currently referring to 'the fine' as the subject.

Campus currency is gum. Any kind and flavor will do. Nothing else, end of story.

Random extra two spaces before campus are unnecessary.

Students studying to be painters must paint at least one fruit bowl during their imprisonment time here.

Extra space between 'least' and 'one'.

Narrator: Enjoy the future chapters. Almost any resemblance to any persons living, dead, undead, sorta dead, fake dead,drugged, Merv Griffin, really dead, or somehow reincarnated as a steakhouse is purely coincidental, as is any resemblance to any events past, present, or future. the Acronyms seem to have been lost, so you'll have to decipher the rules on your own. no wrong answers.

The first error in this paragraph is the fact that 'fake dead' doesn't really make much sense. I can't really think of a better alternative than 'playing possum', which is a slightly obscure figure of speech. The second error is right next to the first, for you need to add a space between the comma after 'dead' and 'drugged'.Another error is the extra space between 'or' and 'somehow'. You also need to capitalise the 't' in 'The', for it is the start of a sentence. (That one before 'Acronym', which should not be capitalised.) You should also replace the final sentence with 'There are no wrong answers' instead of 'no wrong answers', for it is more grammatically correct.So ... here's what I rate you.Spelling and Grammar: There are no obvious spelling mistakes in your story, which is a rather nice thing to find. Everything seems to be flowing smoothly, and any mistakes that are made are rather hard to pick out at first glance. However, the grammar problems outlined above are actually somewhat easy to see, so you should work on fixing them.I'd rate it around 78%.Humour and Originality:In my time here as a person who frequents the Comedies forum, I can't really remember seeing any stories with a similar premise to yours, and the ones that may have existed probably eluded my short attention span. So I'd say that your story is rather original. Your humour however, needs a bit of work, for it seems to be merely a few random things stuck together into rules in order to obtain some small chuckles from the audience.But due to the fact that we've only seen a prologue of sorts, it can be excused, for there isn't much space to inject humour into either. Also, your Fight Club reference needs two mentions of 'Do NOT talk about Fight Club'.I'd rate it 68%.Plot:Now we move on to the 'meat' of your story, the plot. However, the plot is non-existent at the current moment, so I am unable to review it at this particular time. So any ratings for this are non-applicable for the time being.Overall: (78% + 68%) / 2 = 73%

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~Prepare to fight — for, evidently, you have found peace intolerable.~





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