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Bzprpg: Legend Of The Primes: Review Topic

uh this should be obvious

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#1 Online Axilus Prime

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Posted May 26 2012 - 11:14 PM

Post your thoughts on BZPRPG: Legend of the Primes here!
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#2 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted May 27 2012 - 04:30 AM

So, prologue-y first chapter. Could have been longer and introduced more backstory, but whatever, it was a nice bit of retconning. I dunno how this will effect the massive backstory for the Phantoms/Deceptoa I wrote because I can't remember what I wrote :P Anyway, it'll be good to see where this goes, since it's borderline CoT-ness will undoubtedly bring some attention to it. Crossovers, good stuff.I take it Pyras is a separate character to Primus, since Primus is an island now?Also, will the Deceptoa/Phantoms be appearing, or is this mainly just about the Pyros/Primes against 'Darkness'?
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#3 Online Axilus Prime

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Posted May 27 2012 - 09:57 PM

It retcons a lot of early life, but nothing after the ROTF Arc is retconned. Tahuva was never a loud boisterous (censored) before Sentarn (Not Senturon) died. Pyras is Tahuva's direct ancestor, one of the First Seven from the Dynasty. And apart from that I will reveal no more.
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#4 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Jun 02 2012 - 09:30 AM

Official ECC Review:Before I jump into the more critical part of the review, let me just say that I noticed no problems with your spelling, grammar, or punctuation whatsoever. The only thing I have to say is that you should really only use all caps for emphasizing individual words, and even then only rarely. All caps just reeks of amateurism and is kind of annoying to read, especially on the Internet.The story itself feels incredibly weak. The characters are two-dimensional and underdeveloped, the plot is way too simplistic, and the pacing is awkward at best.Take Zeltronus Pyro's betrayal, for instance. It felt to me that, because you're basically doing the whole Transfomers origin story except with BIONICLE-style characters, you needed someone to be the Fallen but didn't really want to go to all of the trouble of actually showing Zeltronus grow dissatisfied with Primus. To me, it felt like you just randomly picked Zeltronus's name out of the hat and decided, "Zeltronus it is" without even questioning why Zeltronus, out of all of the Primes, would do this.The deaths of the other Pyros/Primes were completely underwhelming. It makes me wonder how they managed to lead the Cybertronians for as long as they did if less than half a dozen Vortixx with poisoned knives could take them out so quickly. I felt no emotional reactions from the deaths of any of the Primes because you never gave us a reason to care for them, outside of the fact that they're the "good" guys, which isn't a good reason to make readers care for a character.Things happened way too quickly and vaguely. Take this scene for example:

"Precisely." Pyras did what no Toa of Fire had ever done. He performed a Nova Blast, yet he manipulated it. "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES!" He blasted the Fallen through the Hall of Canisters, forcing him into one and sealing it with heat. "BE IMPRISONED FOR ETERNITY!"

Weren't Pyras and the Fallen outside of the building? Was the Hall of Canisters just magically right next to them? Or did Pyras somehow teleport the Fallen there or what?There is simply too much telling and not nearly enough showing in this fic. Telling is not bad in and of itself. Sometimes, you need to tell certain scenes because there isn't enough room to show them or simply because they are not as important or interesting as other scenes.Problem is, there's a reason the advice is commonly called "Show, don't tell," 'cause when you primarily tell and do not show, you get scenes with zero emotion and drama. The scene I just quoted above, for instance, would have worked much better if you'd gone into detail on how Pyras controlled his Nova Blast, how the Fallen felt as he was sealed into a canister, what an awesome spectacle it must have been, and so on.Also this:

Senturon was the one to answer. "Zeltronus went poopy!""No way! I'm his namesake!" The young Zeltroth shuddered, and the Vortixx hurled a stone at the crowd, knocking them out. The children would survive, but never remember this again, waking with amnesia.

First line: Yes, I know Senturon is supposed to be young, but seriously. "Zeltronus went poopy?" I imagine a young biomechanical kid who most likely doesn't know a thing about the waste products of organic beings would say something more along the lines of "Zeltronus is bad" or even "Zeltronus is stinky." As it is, this is probably the worst line in the entire story. Change it immediately.Also, I am pretty sure you used "namesake" wrong. Zeltronus was not named after Zeltroth (at least, I don't think he was). Zeltroth should have said, "No way! He's my namesake!" which would make a lot more sense (although I could be mistaken about namesake, but I don't think I am).Nor do I understand why Pyras had to sleep for eons, thus abandoning his young sons. After all, the Fallen was defeated, the Seekers disbanded, Kaon rebuilt, the Dark Energon buried, and everything seemed pretty peachy-keen. Pyras had no idea that the future was going to get worse. It makes Pyras seems more like a coward looking to avoid responsibility rather than a father trying to protect his sons (which would actually make him a far more interesting character, IMO).I realize that, as this is a prequel fic to the BZPRPG, it's quite possible most of my criticisms are not valid (I do not play or follow the BZPRPG, BTW). Maybe Zeltronus was decided to be the Fallen before this story was written, maybe all of the Primes are dead by the beginning of the BZPRPG, maybe Pyras is supposed to be separate from his sons during the BZPRPG.That's the problem with all prequels, though, not just this one. You basically have to force your characters to do certain things so that by the end of the story they will be where they are when we first met them, even if it doesn't make sense. As a result, sometimes writers have to make leaps in logic and have OOC (out of character) moments in order to make sure nothing contradicts later stories. That's definitely what this story feels like to me.Overall, from what you've posted so far, I am disappointed. It might, perhaps, be interesting to players of the BZPRPG and if that was your goal, then good job. If it's only supposed to be a slightly more detailed explanation of the backstory of the RPG, then I guess you succeeded at that, too.As a story, though, it leaves a lot to be desired. You need to work more on showing rather than telling and also on pacing. Pacing is always hard, but when you forget to pace correctly, it's glaringly obvious to any reader. And if you never show, it's hard for a reader to become emotionally invested in the story (unless you don't want them to, in which case ignore this criticism).-TNTOS-

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#5 Online Axilus Prime

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Posted Jun 03 2012 - 05:54 AM

Official ECC Review:Before I jump into the more critical part of the review, let me just say that I noticed no problems with your spelling, grammar, or punctuation whatsoever. The only thing I have to say is that you should really only use all caps for emphasizing individual words, and even then only rarely. All caps just reeks of amateurism and is kind of annoying to read, especially on the Internet.The story itself feels incredibly weak. The characters are two-dimensional and underdeveloped, the plot is way too simplistic, and the pacing is awkward at best.Take Zeltronus Pyro's betrayal, for instance. It felt to me that, because you're basically doing the whole Transfomers origin story except with BIONICLE-style characters, you needed someone to be the Fallen but didn't really want to go to all of the trouble of actually showing Zeltronus grow dissatisfied with Primus. To me, it felt like you just randomly picked Zeltronus's name out of the hat and decided, "Zeltronus it is" without even questioning why Zeltronus, out of all of the Primes, would do this.The deaths of the other Pyros/Primes were completely underwhelming. It makes me wonder how they managed to lead the Cybertronians for as long as they did if less than half a dozen Vortixx with poisoned knives could take them out so quickly. I felt no emotional reactions from the deaths of any of the Primes because you never gave us a reason to care for them, outside of the fact that they're the "good" guys, which isn't a good reason to make readers care for a character.Things happened way too quickly and vaguely. Take this scene for example:

"Precisely." Pyras did what no Toa of Fire had ever done. He performed a Nova Blast, yet he manipulated it. "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES!" He blasted the Fallen through the Hall of Canisters, forcing him into one and sealing it with heat. "BE IMPRISONED FOR ETERNITY!"

Weren't Pyras and the Fallen outside of the building? Was the Hall of Canisters just magically right next to them? Or did Pyras somehow teleport the Fallen there or what?There is simply too much telling and not nearly enough showing in this fic. Telling is not bad in and of itself. Sometimes, you need to tell certain scenes because there isn't enough room to show them or simply because they are not as important or interesting as other scenes.Problem is, there's a reason the advice is commonly called "Show, don't tell," 'cause when you primarily tell and do not show, you get scenes with zero emotion and drama. The scene I just quoted above, for instance, would have worked much better if you'd gone into detail on how Pyras controlled his Nova Blast, how the Fallen felt as he was sealed into a canister, what an awesome spectacle it must have been, and so on.Also this:

Senturon was the one to answer. "Zeltronus went poopy!""No way! I'm his namesake!" The young Zeltroth shuddered, and the Vortixx hurled a stone at the crowd, knocking them out. The children would survive, but never remember this again, waking with amnesia.

First line: Yes, I know Senturon is supposed to be young, but seriously. "Zeltronus went poopy?" I imagine a young biomechanical kid who most likely doesn't know a thing about the waste products of organic beings would say something more along the lines of "Zeltronus is bad" or even "Zeltronus is stinky." As it is, this is probably the worst line in the entire story. Change it immediately.Also, I am pretty sure you used "namesake" wrong. Zeltronus was not named after Zeltroth (at least, I don't think he was). Zeltroth should have said, "No way! He's my namesake!" which would make a lot more sense (although I could be mistaken about namesake, but I don't think I am).Nor do I understand why Pyras had to sleep for eons, thus abandoning his young sons. After all, the Fallen was defeated, the Seekers disbanded, Kaon rebuilt, the Dark Energon buried, and everything seemed pretty peachy-keen. Pyras had no idea that the future was going to get worse. It makes Pyras seems more like a coward looking to avoid responsibility rather than a father trying to protect his sons (which would actually make him a far more interesting character, IMO).I realize that, as this is a prequel fic to the BZPRPG, it's quite possible most of my criticisms are not valid (I do not play or follow the BZPRPG, BTW). Maybe Zeltronus was decided to be the Fallen before this story was written, maybe all of the Primes are dead by the beginning of the BZPRPG, maybe Pyras is supposed to be separate from his sons during the BZPRPG.That's the problem with all prequels, though, not just this one. You basically have to force your characters to do certain things so that by the end of the story they will be where they are when we first met them, even if it doesn't make sense. As a result, sometimes writers have to make leaps in logic and have OOC (out of character) moments in order to make sure nothing contradicts later stories. That's definitely what this story feels like to me.Overall, from what you've posted so far, I am disappointed. It might, perhaps, be interesting to players of the BZPRPG and if that was your goal, then good job. If it's only supposed to be a slightly more detailed explanation of the backstory of the RPG, then I guess you succeeded at that, too.As a story, though, it leaves a lot to be desired. You need to work more on showing rather than telling and also on pacing. Pacing is always hard, but when you forget to pace correctly, it's glaringly obvious to any reader. And if you never show, it's hard for a reader to become emotionally invested in the story (unless you don't want them to, in which case ignore this criticism).-TNTOS-

Zeltronus was decided beforehand to be the Fallen, all the Primes were meant to be dead, Pyras sorta just...fell into the canister, since he was on the verge of death and only stasis could save him, but all your other criticisms are valid. I rushed too much. They were blasted outside during the fight, and the Hall was a building in the same area. I should have made that clear. I did make the characters rather flat and boring, but I can remedy that immediately. As the first arc is over (It was meant to be quick, but I made it too much soon) I can focus more on slow, careful character development for the new main characters, Senturon, Zeltroth, and Orion Pax. I will heed your criticisms and think carefully when I write the next chapter. Thanks for the review!

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#6 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Jun 05 2012 - 08:17 AM

Ah, definite improvement since chapter 3. The characters are quite a bit better, and the storytelling doesn't feel so rushed. I love what Cyclonus did to the place, and how Orion is starting to get some special Prime powers. There were a few awkward moments where the characters would say something unnatural for the sake of explaining backstory, such as

"No, Senturon. You are a Pyro.""A what?" The ancient language had been long forgotten. Their names were all in the common tongue, aside from a few. Only a few knew the translations of their names, and used them. For example, Senturon was, in the common language, Sentinel, as were Zeltroth and Slicax, when translated, Megatron and Starscream, respectively. Jetian grumbled. "Aaargh, I knew I shoulda' gotten used ta' the new language....You are a Prime."

This bit of information wold have worked better if the reader was told earlier about what had happened, rather than wait until a lame bit of dialogue to tell. That way, Senturon could just know what a Pyro was (since it is a famous title).Another thing I didn't like was how they somehow know about the Kestora, despite no one in the MU knowing even what the Red Star was (seeing as it was only visible from Mata-Nui).And this:

High-grade programming was a time of change for Orion. It was the school level that he learned the most in, but not in academics.[...]Professor Wreck-Gar pounded the table. "Mr. Pax, this is Chemistry..."

Bit self-contradictory there, eh? :sly:Also, I liked the inclusion of non-deformed Slicax, Beast Prime and some other stuff :D

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#7 Online Axilus Prime

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Posted Jun 05 2012 - 08:55 PM

Ah, definite improvement since chapter 3. The characters are quite a bit better, and the storytelling doesn't feel so rushed. I love what Cyclonus did to the place, and how Orion is starting to get some special Prime powers. There were a few awkward moments where the characters would say something unnatural for the sake of explaining backstory, such as

"No, Senturon. You are a Pyro.""A what?" The ancient language had been long forgotten. Their names were all in the common tongue, aside from a few. Only a few knew the translations of their names, and used them. For example, Senturon was, in the common language, Sentinel, as were Zeltroth and Slicax, when translated, Megatron and Starscream, respectively.Jetian grumbled. "Aaargh, I knew I shoulda' gotten used ta' the new language....You are a Prime."

This bit of information wold have worked better if the reader was told earlier about what had happened, rather than wait until a lame bit of dialogue to tell. That way, Senturon could just know what a Pyro was (since it is a famous title).Another thing I didn't like was how they somehow know about the Kestora, despite no one in the MU knowing even what the Red Star was (seeing as it was only visible from Mata-Nui).And this:

High-grade programming was a time of change for Orion. It was the school level that he learned the most in, but not in academics.[...]Professor Wreck-Gar pounded the table. "Mr. Pax, this is Chemistry..."

Bit self-contradictory there, eh? :sly:Also, I liked the inclusion of non-deformed Slicax, Beast Prime and some other stuff :biggrin:

Thanks, I made sure to make Orion's path to becoming a Prime too obvious in this chapter. (Though in the next it may be a bit more so.)If lightning from the Red Star changed the Inika, I'm sure it's visible from within the robot. I wanted the ancient Pyros to be of such ridiculous ability as to do something like traveling to the Red Star, meeting Kestora, and running back to write a report on it--all in a week's work. So I put that in. LOL.I also made Omega Supreme hold the title of Lord High Protector because he's ideal for the job, and I didn't want Zeltroth to invent the title for himself.The part about him learning in high-level programming meant that he learned a lot in that year about right and wrong, courage and sacrifice, being proactive, etc. The teacher, however, didn't agree with his new focus. :P I made him Wreck-Gar for fun.I forgot to include the part about the Tox-En being the reason that he's deformed...heh. Yeah, when he comes out and looks in a mirror again he'll be very, very angry.

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#8 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Jun 06 2012 - 08:17 AM

You could also have explained exactly what Tox-En was for all the non-Trans-onicle fans out there.
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#9 Online Axilus Prime

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Posted Jun 06 2012 - 04:26 PM

I think the name was explanation enough, especially if someone said it out loud. But to anyone reading this, it's toxic Energon but not Dark Energon.Also, since you posted, got an opinion on the newest chapter?
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#10 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Jun 06 2012 - 05:29 PM

Oh, I forgot to mention that I recall you describing the Sacred Kualsi in-game as being invented by Senturon.As for the newest chapter:I can see Senturon's becoming quite... Accustomed to his role as a Prime :P And by that I mean cocky.The first scene was a bit confusing. Trypticon wasn't introduced (and neither was the huge battle taking place throughout the chapter, which we are presumed to just know about already), and simply appeared, and Zeltroth thinking he must be a Prime based on him being related to Senturon wasn't described very well, if at all, mainly because Senturon simply told him and Zeltroth didn't get a reaction bit. And the fact that Senturon told him in the middle of the fight was a bit... Meh. I reckon it would have been more effective if you had made Senturon hesitate to tell him until after the battle, when Zeltroth can really take the blow and go nuts.Kup was in character, very nice :PI like the semi-apocalyptic-ness of the attack, and how Scourge just coldly opens fire on some poor disabled guy XDSpeaking of Slicax, it was nice to see how you ruined his life, that was pretty cool, and his voice in my head just completed the dialogue. What I don't get was that Senturon teleports himself and tells Orion to run, even though he could easily have teleported both of them to safety :???:Why were Ratchet's medic team 'creepy'?There were some creative attacks in the Scourge/Sentinel attacks, so good job on those.And a cliffhanger! We know he'll survive, of course, but it was still a pleasent surprise.Overall, this chapter was pretty terrible at the beginning, but got back to it's feet over the course of the story.
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#11 Online Axilus Prime

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Posted Jun 06 2012 - 08:15 PM

I retconned that bit about him inventing it. Trypticon and Cyclonus's Armada were shown in the previous chapter, remember? Cyclonus summoned them with an Olmak.Senturon's pride prevented him from waiting, as he wanted to make it clear that he was the only capable Prime. (Though, his intentions were entirely good when he fought and warned the people)I didn't think about that telling Orion to run part. I guess it was partly because I was absentminded, and partly because I needed Orion to battle Trypticon.Ratchet's medical team was...(I was wondering if anyone would guess this)...The Order of Scalpels!Yep, that's the trouble with cliffhangers in prequels! Their purpose becomes not to make the reader wonder what will happen, but how it will happen.Oh well. Expect a new chapter soon!
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#12 Offline Alex Turner

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Posted Jun 07 2012 - 06:28 AM

Most of the chapter was an awesome fight, and I liked it.But the end... Zeltroth is lying to him, I presume? Trying to steal his thunder?
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#13 Online Axilus Prime

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Posted Jun 07 2012 - 04:35 PM

Yes. Zeltroth, deep down, knows that his lie will not stand. But that is going to be the base for him thinking of the name Deceptoa. (Which is much, much later.) I know Fallen thinks of it first, but he re-imagines it.

Edited by TNG Prime, Jun 07 2012 - 04:36 PM.

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#14 Offline Zyke the Space Biker

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Posted Jun 11 2012 - 10:36 PM

It's a pretty good epic, and I really like it :)However, my only gripe would be that the dialogue can sometimes get...I don't know...weird in some places. Like the repetitive use of "argh." But other than that, it's awesome.
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#15 Online Axilus Prime

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Posted Jun 12 2012 - 04:23 PM

Ah, the dreaded use of dialogue to explain backstory. I gotta stop doing that, Wotz didn't like it either.Sorry about the hiatus, been busy with the actual RPG and Comics. Trying to find time to post an actual chapter.
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#16 Offline Velox

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Posted Jun 30 2012 - 07:10 PM

Official ECC ReviewLet me start off by saying that I agree completely with TNTOS on the first three chapters. And while things do improve slightly, most of his criticisms remain true -- some are fixed, but new ones spring up as well. But I'll get to that later. One thing that I wanted to reiterate was when he mentioned using all-caps letters. I really, really must urge you to not do so. As he said, they are amateurish, annoying, and just unprofessional in my opinion. All-caps is fine when chatting, but for literature they should be used sparingly, if at all. Going off of that, ellipses are also overused here (an ellipsis being "...") -- almost every time a comma, period, semicolon, etc. would fit much better. Ellipses just make it seem like the thought is unfinished. Now sometimes that's exactly what you want, which is why ellipses are used, but most of the time -- I'd say 99% -- they're just unnecessary and slow things down. The last thing I want to mention grammar-wise would be tenses. A few times you will switch from past tense to present tense -- watch out for that; try to keep it one or the other.And now, pointing out some specific things before I talk about the story in general (and apologies in advance if anything I say is confusing...I'm a little sick at the moment):

"That's not gonna be winning you any games!"

Perhaps "That's not gonna win you any games!"?

"That's lame..." Orion, however, stayed calm like Senturon, since he was the most awesome person ever.

"most awesome person ever" is weird to have in writing like this. Perhaps if it was his personal thoughts it would fit better, but right now it seems to be part of just the normal narration. Though, that's something else I want to mention. Most of the time the story is from the perspective of a narrator, but other times you talk as the characters where you shouldn't. It's fine to put a character's thoughts on the page, but you should make sure it's known that it's their thoughts and not just normal narration. Otherwise, you should just stick to keeping it from the perspective of a narrator while showing the characters' perspectives through that, if that makes sense.

"That's a load of Dark Energon." For Dark Energon had not been seen for years, and faded into myth and legend.

Not sure why you said "For...". But this whole thing was kinda awkward and rushed.

Zeltroth pulled Bonecrusher back into the class from his antics. "Professor, I found this student assaulting another student earlier." He tossed him at the teacher's feet and walked back to his seat.

I found this odd...why would the teachers just let a student punish another student? This seems to be out of Zeltroth's power to be able to do.

Elsewhere, the stirrings continued. The ocean in some places gained a purple tint. Things would only grow more and more strange.

Again, just odd the way you worded it -- "things would only grow..." -- it's as if someone's speaking, telling a story. Yet this is the story. You should just show that things grow more strange by, well, showing it, rather than simply saying it here where it's unnecessary to do so.

Senturon hacked away at the vines as they tried to strangle him. "Commander Slicax!" He set the vines on fire except for the one holding Slicax. That one was cut.

Where did the vines come from? First you're talking about a guy communicating with others, then all of a sudden you're switching to Senturon's POV and there's apparently vines...it would've been better if you had kept it from Senturon's perspective, had him explain how his leader sent him a message, as well as explained where Senturon is. Because from this I have absolutely no idea. Again, pacing, as TNTOS said -- things just moved way too quickly as you move from Alpha Trion to Senturon with no apparent scene change. Then just simply these few sentences I quoted...they seem to be in some sort of danger or something -- at least, the vines seem to be dangerous -- yet the pacing allows for no sense of dread for the reader to feel. Furthermore, "that one was cut" just doesn't do justice to a scene that I assume should be intense. Again, I'd keep it from Senturon's perspective. He set the vines on fire, how? Then he decides to cut the one holding Slicax, how? It's not necessary to give a whole lot of detail, but you need more than you give.Again, a few lines later Senturon says "we should not have come here..." -- where is here? You never say.

Slicax laughed. "I'll be more than sufficient! Someone has to watch your back, and I say I do a pretty Karzing good job of it!""I told you never to mention that expedition again. Karzahni was a monster.""That's why I used it as a swear word!"

"Karzing" is a weird swear word...I know what real curse word should go there, but it doesn't have to be that one (doesn't have to end in "ing" -- though I realize that just Karz by itself sounds weird as well). I'd just suggest removing Karz all together. Also, the dialogue here is a little awkward.

"Indeed they are, Slicax.

Awkward grammar here. Better to change the "they" to "there" -- "Indeed there are (movements), Slicax." You don't need the word movements in there, but it needs to be able to fit in there.

It is suggested by both study and legend that Dark Energon is the negative side of Energon.

"side" isn't the best word to use here, IMO. Perhaps "form" or making the sentence "...Dark Energon is the opposite of Energon." or something like that.

Send transmission to bogey.

Not sure what "bogey" is...I think you may have meant a different word -- bogey is a golf term.

Alpha Trion had called his inner circle. "So Senturon is absent. Nonetheless, we must take action."

Again I'm left with absolutely no idea where they are. I'm also confused as to what's happening. Senturon and Slicax are apparently attacking Keretao, nevermind the fact that they're doing so with absolutely no planning or preparation, but then they are detected and immediately seen as a threat simply because they're Toa -- how do they know they're hostile? Also, I thought Keretao was the "island of doom", yes? Then why do they care about civilians there?

A hooded figure approached the duo from behind. Slicax noticed him and whirled around. "ASSASSIN! He immediately created a vacuum around their opponent's head.

First off...Slicax knows he's an assassin simply because he's wearing a hood? What if the guy's just cold? Secondly, all caps, as I mentioned above; really not necessary -- the exclamation point shows that he's shouting. Also, this and the whole scene after seems to be rushed. Yes, I know that an assassin would likely come from "nowhere" and so that their meeting would be rushed, but still. And again I'm confused as to where they are...you mention a satellite islet but you've given no description of the island. I'm not even sure what they're target is. Also, running off that tangent...you say "land" on a target, which implies they're flying...yet an assassin approached from behind as if they're walking, again just adding to the confusion of where are they?

"GAAK! WHAT THE--RELEASE ME!" but none of this could be heard, for his head was engulfed in vacuum.

Again the all caps. But also...none of that could be heard? Then why all the caps? Why even have that at all since right now he's saying that yet it wasn't heard. Perhaps change it to "he tried to say...." or "he mouthed..." or something. And I know these guys are powerful, but how many powers do they have? It just seems a little to convenient that they have so many powers.

He immediately shot a Tox-En Zamor at Slicax, breaking his concentration.

What's a Tox-En Zamor? As far as I can recall it's never explained.

"YAARR! NO ONE ATTACKS THE SOLDIERS OF KERETAO! STATE YOUR BUSINESS!" He slashed the hood off. "Seeker...?"

Is he a pirate now? The "yaarr" would imply so. Also, "slashing" a hood off would be very...difficult. He'd most likely end up slashing the guy's head off, too. I'd change that to "ripped" or something.

"BEHOLD THE GLORY OF JETIAN!" Jetian put away his weapons. "I come only with good tidings! Your manservant attacked me! No one does that and lives!""SILENCE!" Senturon sheathed his weapons. "I am Vice Trion Senturon of Keretao. State your business immediately or be destroyed."

First off, you should remind the reader of who Jetian is -- I had to go look him up, myself (though I was never really sure, as he was never explained all that well or his importance/etc.). Also what Jetian says is very confusing...why would he speak like that?As for the next part, once again this leaves me confused as to where they are. Before they seem to be seen as attackers against Keretao, yet now Senturon has some sort of power. Why would they be seen as a threat just a few paragraphs before this, then? Maybe I missed it, and I apologize if so as I am sick, but a lot of this just leaves me confused.

No sooner had Zeltroth left the chamber than he had met with a large warhammer. He flew back in through the doorway, knocked Beast Prime off his feet, and flew through the wall. "No..I cannot be..defeated...so...easily!" To his great dismay when he discovered it, he was, by a door hurled at him.

Another big example of pacing -- these few sentences should be heavily expanded/explained. And just after this Cyclonus and the Heralds are introduced too quickly.

"Enough shouting, then! I, Senturon Pyro, must return to my people!" Senturon realized that being a Pyro technically made him fit to lead. So that was why he was so good at both leading and fighting! That was the source of his glory. But then came the catch. "Are my brothers...Pyros?"

So non-Pyros can't lead? And Pyros are automatically given the power of "leadership"? I don't really get this or why this was his reaction. Why wouldn't he be able to lead people before he knew this? I get that it might give him a renewed strength or something to lead, but still, he should be perfectly capable of leading without knowing he's a Pyros.

Beast Prime got up. That was answer enough.

It's fine that he was able to, but you give no explanation as to how he was able to. Before he was seemingly out of strength, yet he is suddenly able to simply give up with apparently no trouble. Again, just pacing/explanation.

"The first of many. Hail Unicron." And Cyclonus fell into the lava, melting to the last.

Melting to the last what? Moment? Perhaps change it to "Melting until he died" or something.

"Very well. There's one more thing I need to tell you. I am a Prime! In future, do not issue me commands!" Senturon turned to the Suva. "All Cybertronians within range!" Thousands of scaled down holograms appeared. "Exclude Unicronians!" More than a few disappeared. "What...?"

Pacing again; he just tells them and they accept? We need to see more of a reaction from other people when he says that he's a Prime. I am also left with saying "What...?" at the end of this as I'm not quite sure what just happened. One second he's revealing he's a prime, the next he's issuing orders, and then he's confused. Too quick of pacing leaves the reader confused as well.

"Actually, there happens to be a giant rampaging monster that we should probably knock over. I'll fly your there, First Lieu--"

Seems like weird/unnatural speech for him to be like "there happens to be a monster".

"In a way, brother, I am."It was then that Jetian realized it. Zeltroth was jealous of his brothers.

How does this make him realize it? Yes it is obvious that Zeltroth is jealous of his brothers, but why from these words specifically does Jetian realize it?---------That said, let's get down to some other aspects of the story:Overall as I said above a few times the story is confusing. I'll get to that more later, though. Characterization in chapter 4 was definitely improved, yes, but still left a lot to be desired. But the biggest problem is, again, pacing. The end of chapter four was way too rushed -- one moment he's giving a speech, the next it's over. They stopped him in his speech, but is that it? They don't do anything else to him? Question him? Etc.? Nothing happens to him? And also just the fact that you describe their jobs in one sentence and that's it is moving way too quickly. It can be said quickly, sure, but it needs to be done in a way that doesn't seem like it's rushed or just thrown in there because it needs to be. I also found it hard to believe that they wouldn't meet for fifty years. They were best friends, after all.Same thing with the beginning of chapter five...how did Zeltroth become the first lieutenant? How'd Senturon become Vice Trion (and you never explain what Vice Trion is or what it means, either)? Why is Orion still just a data clerk? I understand you need to move the plot along, but it could be done more smoothly and with better pacing. Going back to characterization, again there needs to be more. One minute they're in school, the next they're not. You did pretty well with chapter four, but again, overall more is needed. And while I'm on that point I'll just talk about characterization here. Throughout the story I felt as if I didn't know who the characters were. In fact, it was hard to discern who was bad and who was good -- after a while everyone seemed to just be bad, but I assume that's not the case. There were just too many characters to keep straight, and not enough explanation, background, introduction, etc. given to any of them. The exception would be the three brothers, but even then I was left wondering who they were -- they seemed completely different after a while with no real explanation given as to why with the exception of "they haven't seen each other for 50 years and a lot can happen in 50 years." Which is true, but needs to be explained. Next thing I want to talk about is pacing again. I didn't point out every scene that was too quickly paced, but I did point out a few specific times above. However, pretty much the whole story needs a lot of work on pacing. For example, up around chapter six and seven it seems like it's all just one big, jumbled battle that's confusing and uninteresting. Most likely due to the characters, but also to description -- you give hardly no description not only of characters but also of places. While I assume that every "---" mean that the story is in a different place, it didn't seem like that to me as it wasn't explained well. Really I just want to stress the importance of pacing as TNTOS also mentioned as well as description of both characters and locations.I think the main problem might simply be that you know your universe but we don't. Maybe it's because I was never all that in to Transformers so I don't know that much about them, maybe it's because I don't currently follow the BZPRPG, who knows. But the point is that I was often left confused -- but I shouldn't have to have any knowledge of those things. Remember that the reader has no idea what the place is like, what the characters are like, etc. With the exception of what you tell us -- which is why it's so vital to slow down and describe things; characters, locations, etc. Give depth to everything so that we can see the world just like you do. Remember also that characters have to get their things from somewhere. Oftentimes you mention someone gets something or has a certain power, it seems like it's just too convenient. Do they suddenly just get these because they need that certain thing at that moment, or is there actually a reason that they have those objects? Etc. The last thing I want to mention is dialogue. Throughout the epic it seems very unnatural. Try to picture yourself saying those things when you are writing, or even better yet, when you are unsure say those things out-loud to yourself or someone else if possible. If it sounds unnatural out-loud, then it'll be unnatural on paper as well. I'd also try to tone down the use of "argh, raaaah, aw, gah, etc." -- while people do make those sounds sometimes, it would be much more powerful to show that instead of just have them say it. For example, "he screamed as he lifted his sword" or something versus "Raaaah!" Just small things like that would also make the story much more enjoyable. Now, all that said, you're not a bad writer. Not at all. Besides the things I pointed out (all caps, ellipses, etc.), your grammar was pretty much solid throughout the whole epic (usually I'm point out a lot of grammar flaws, but here I didn't point out any with the exception of all caps/etc.), which is hard to do -- very well done in that regard. The main problem is just your story and how you go about telling it. You seem to have a very interesting story, you seem to have a cool cast of characters, and you have the actual writing down for the most part grammar-wise. And so it is because I see so much potential that I urge you to keep writing, because I know that with some more effort you can create something great. =] Posted Image

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#17 Online Axilus Prime

Axilus Prime
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Posted Jul 03 2012 - 08:26 PM

Wow. Big, detailed review. All right, no more all caps. And now to address the rest.Italics are usually their thoughts. Occasionally they aren't.I don't know, I just have that habit of putting "for" in some places. I guess there's another habit I have to stop.Cybertronian class rules are different, and all he did was bring the student back into the room, and hand him over to the teacher for his fate.I did show, but that was like a fair warning for the reader, and to create suspense. Not sure how well that worked.They were stated to be on the Island of Doom, which is infested with Dark Energon, therefore things come to life in a demented, dangerous form. Like the vines trying to kill them. I recognize that mainly Transformers fans would understand that.I do say where they are. The Island of Doom. Established chapters ago and mentioned at one point in that fiasco.Karzing is a common BZP swear word. That's all there is to it.I think he was talking about what was moving, either that or I made a mistake. :|Side was not the best word to use there. You're right 100% on that one.In military terms, bogey means an unknown moving object performing unauthorized actions.Keretao is the neighbor to the island of doom, another firmly established fact in the story. Senturon is for Keretao, leading an expedition to the island of doom, which is Unicron, just as Keretao is Primus. The inner circle is Alpha Trion's Senate or something of the like. It is a government.They are receiving no transmission from said Toa, and most of the council are Toa. The Toa are of unknown affiliation, sending no response, and giving off a Dark Energon signal. Therefore they are called the "bogeys".Slicax is meant to be paranoid. It was characterization, not a plot hole. He doesn't trust anyone, has a volatile personality, and is prone to fits of cowardice, rage, and panic.They are Toa, Skakdi, Turaga, and Vortixx. Some Matoran. Slicax is a Toa of Air, therefore he can create a vacuum.Say Tox-En out loud. That should make it simpler. Toxic Energon, or Toxin. And if you were around in 2006 you know what a Zamor is. It's one of Senturon's mannerisms. Ever seen Transformers: Dark of the Moon? Senturon is Sentinel Prime. So far, the story is before the Autobot/Decepticon conflict. It's going from the very beginning and onward.Ok, maybe a reminder would have been useful. But as I'm sure you know from looking him up, he was the general of the Fallen's Seekers, and a being who disapproved of evil. He served under the Fallen believing him to be good.They never attacked Keretao. I have absolutely no idea how you got that misconception. (No offense.) You got me on the pacing. I need to work on that, but I'm not sure how.Non-Pyros can lead. But Pyros do get an advantage in that respect, and seeing as Senturon was already second-in-command, and a Pyro, then Alpha Trion died, there was no possible way for him not to become leader.He just stood and pushed himself up, in response to "Can you get up?" or something of the like.Melting to the last or really, (anything) to the last is a figure of speech, showing what they did right up to death.Primes are trusted by the people. Only one Prime at that point had ever gone bad, and that was The Fallen. Not quite enough to shake the Cybertronian absolute faith in all Primes. He is confused, because as it implies to the reader and later explains outright, there are way more Unicron Heralds than he first imagined.His phrasing and manner of responding in such a situation made it clear. But I did not, so sorry about that.There were huge timeskips, and they took distant and distinct career paths. The reader would be bored out of his/her mind if I attempted to explain every day of their lives up to that point.If they questioned him, that would defeat the purpose of covering up the truths he was exposing. The government before Senturon became the leader was highly corrupt and secretive.Zeltroth joined the military and rose through the ranks. Senturon was a smart and strong, charismatic individual who easily won elections and performed services for the community. Orion was a humble worker, trying to do his part. All this was heavily implied by their actions and the results of said actions in Chapter 4.Many BZPRPG chars and TF chars were given cameos and scenes as background troops. The three main characters were the focus of the Unicron Arc, one of many planned arcs in the overall epic.Yes, the universe and locations make sense mostly to those who are both well-immersed in Transformers and the BZPRPG, and I'll work on that to make it available to the general audience. I usually introduced things as they needed to appear. Being Toa, Skakdi, Vortixx, Turaga, and Matoran, coupled with loads of Bionicle and Transformers technology, they had many places, items, weapons, and artifacts.I dislike onomatopoeia words, mainly because they fail to convey the real sound. That's why I had those sounds in quotation marks. The dialogue, I did say out loud. It didn't seem like it would be out of place to me, but maybe that's because I visualize them differently. If you watched the Transformers trilogy, this would be a lot easier to understand. Much of my literary style is built around that universe, since this is a Bionicle/Transformers crossover of sorts.Thanks for the review, and I will keep writing. I took TNTOS' advice to heart as I wrote these chapters, and I will do the same with yours in future chapters!
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