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Lhii The Surfer

Flash Fiction Expanded Story Jaller Hahli Lhii

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#1 Offline SwagtronYOLO

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Posted May 28 2012 - 08:52 PM

There once was a matoran with yellow hands, yellow feet and a yellow mask. Yes, yellow appeared to be his signature color. This matoran loved many things, but the thing he loved most was the thrill of surfing. The wind in his face, the heat of fire rushing over his body and the speed, oh the speed! How he loved it all.He turned his board sharply to the left as the next wave approached. Moving with the flow of the surf, he began to accelerate. The only thought in this matoran’s head was speed. Yes, he had to move faster, faster.Soon the matoran was a mere blur to the world and the world was a spectacular blur to the matoran so much so that he could no longer see clearly. It was in this carelessness that the matoran fell with a grim splash.---Cough. Cough. Wheeze.“Easy there, fire-spitter. You may be fast, but not even you can breathe water like Toa Gali.”Jaller tried to clear his eyes of the sea-water and looked toward Naho bay. His companion was not ten feet from him bobbing on a surfboard and her voice was all too familiar.“Haha, you’re one to talk, Hahli. Last I checked you’ve had quite a few wipe-outs yourself.” Jaller raised a brow at the ga-matoran.“None that were anywhere near as fantastic as your grand display just now, oh great Captain of the Guard.” She stuck her tongue out, a soft irreverence in her tone.To that, Jaller was a little unnerved. He took his position in Ta-Koro very seriously. However, the ta-matoran was not currently in his home; he was with his friend on a peaceful day. Here and now he was lax and at-ease. That meant there was only one way to deal with such a comment.Jaller quickly spun his arm over the surface of the water, creating a decent-sized wave in the ga-matoran’s direction. After his magnificent spin, Jaller looked back to find his target had left; all that remained was a board floating aimlessly in the water.His eyes darted back and forth as he tried to look beneath the waves. He couldn’t make anything out. The feeling of loneliness was beginning to vibrate in his chest; it began making him uneasy with each passing minute.Was she in trouble? Could she actually breathe water? Perhaps she had fled on a Takea shark? His eyes darted everywhere in vain.Somehow, he gained the courage to speak,“…. Hahli?”Suddenly something pulled him beneath the waves.---A sharp sting burst through the matoran’s side. It was followed by another sting in his shoulder and one on his leg. The pain was immense, yet it had to be endured at all costs.Faster… I need to move faster. The thought was the only hope the matoran had to forget his pain. A dark buzzing filled the air with the sound of impending doom as he ducked and turned and even jumped over the lava. The distance he had covered from his home was great indeed. He knew his duty; he had to keep moving. Yes, keep moving…A blur of lava was the last sight the matoran would realize.---Two matoran dragged themselves to the shore of Mata Nui.“That was a cheap shot; pulling me underwater like that.” Jaller chided.“Oh, lighten up. It’s not my fault you can’t see underwater.” Hahli tapped her Kaukau. Its visor came in handy for Hahli. She loved to swim and she could hold her breath for quite some time.The sun was setting on the beach as Jaller and Hahli collapsed, exhausted.“You know, you’re normally not that reckless. What came over you today?” The blue matoran looked to her friend with a cheeky smile. She was glad to see Jaller relaxing for a change. As the Captain of the guard he always seemed to be serious.“… Well, today just seemed too good to waste…” Jaller looked off into the distance almost in a trance. A dark cloud loomed over his head as he spoke.“Hmm? … Jaller… What’s on your mind?” Hahli’s eyes grew concerned.Jaller wasn’t sure what to say at this point. How could he explain…?An old tale slowly faded into his mind.“Hahli, have you ever heard of a matoran named Lhii?” The words he spoke sounded mournful and grey.“Lhii? I can’t say I have.” Hahli looked down at the sand. Actually, she could have sworn she had heard the name before in passing. It never really struck her as a name she ought to remember until now.“Lhi was a ta-matoran. He was the Captain of the Guard before me. There are many stories of him in Ta-koro. He was a legend; he could surf through lava like it was water! Turaga Vakama said he would be second only to Tahu even today.” Jaller spoke with a mixed sense of pride and wistfulness.“What happened to him?”Jaller mutter a short word that was nearly inaudible.“…What?”“Hoto. There was a swarm of hoto plaguing Ta-Koro. According to Turaga Vakama, Lhii managed to find the swarm’s queen. He picked it up with a kohli stick and attempted to lure the swarm out of the village through the lava. Lhii managed to save the village, but the swarm was too much for him, and he… fell…” Jaller’s words had a certain rising and falling as he spoke.“… Wow… I never knew there was a matoran like that on Mata Nui.” Hahli shared Jaller’s mood as they both looked up towards a falling sun and a red star emerging from the fleeting light.“… I’ve got some big shoes to fill, Hahli…”Hahli gave a soft smile and rested a hand on his shoulder. It felt so soft and gentle in its reassurance.“We all do.”---------Whew. Lots of thought went into this one. So, yeah, a bit of a different angle from what I was generally seeing with this concept. Most stories I read and skimmed dealt with Vakama personally telling one of Lhii's tales. Well, I thought it would be refreshing to see Lhii's influence on the matoran of Mata Nui instead. Who better to focus on than the matoran who wears Lhii's (Lhikan's) mask?I actually kinda hate my entry because I had to shorten it so much. I started out wanting to do something really short, but it proved rather difficult with this one. Curse my ability to ramble! So, yeah, this one has a word count of 984 as opposed to my entry with a word count of 600. This one is better in my opinion.Hope you guys enjoy it! ^^

Edited by Tekulo: Toa of Gales, May 29 2012 - 06:32 AM.

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#2 Offline Sauce

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Posted Jun 07 2012 - 07:44 AM

Official SSCC review (and apologies for the lateness, the end of the school year seems to be when all the instructors collaborate and pile projects on you :P)Well, first off, in the interest of full disclosure, I didn't read more than one or two of the Lhii stories, but now you have me regretting that I didn't read them; your story was filled with a lot of emotion and very subtle characterization in a theme where there wasn't a lot of room to do that. I also agree with you that writing about Lhii's influence on Jaller was a good idea. It added a certain air of nostalgia and realism to the story, not just because of the mask they both wore: it also showed Jaller's anxiety about taking over for a legend such as Lhii, and it showed it well.Something I thought that you could have improved on, though, was the transitioning between Lhii and Jaller. It seemed kind of jumpy, honestly; the way I read the story, it sounded like something had actually pulled Jaller underneath the lava, and I had to reread the whole section to understand what was happening. Maybe you could have put Lhii's story in italics or something to help clarify things - it was a nice touch when I understood it, but it sort of made the beginning half of the story feel a bit disjointed without a proper transition.That's just a nitpick, though. All in all, very good job at packing such emotion into such a short story, and I hope this went far in the contest: it deserved to.-Teezy
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#3 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jun 17 2012 - 04:06 PM

Since I read this entry into the contest, I must say I like the expanded version better, if only for the detail and extra characterization you put in.
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#4 Offline Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa

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Posted Dec 09 2012 - 06:15 PM

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]I thought I'd drag this out into the light of day.[/color]



[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Short and sweet. I like the way you tied Lhii's simple, subtle scenes into the greater story. However, I think his introduction was lackluster. You might have showed us what he looked like and who he was, but instead you told us this, and that's rarely a good thing.[/color]


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]I enjoy BIONICLE romance for the way it reduces love to its purest and simplest terms. The relationship between Jaller and Hahli has always been my favorite. And you wrote their roles to perfection. They were both the characters they are supposed to be, and the story suited them.[/color]


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Now, style. It is, in my opinion, the most important part of a story; it makes it or breaks it. A good style can make up for a bad story, but a good story cannot easily make up for a bad style. Style either enhances a story or ruins it. Moreover, because style is harder to master, good story generally accompanies it. Style, of course, is unique to every writer, but it is an art and it has its precepts all the same.[/color]


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Yours, then. It was short and pointful, which can be a good thing, but sometimes leaves the story feeling a bit lacking. The rule "show, don't tell" is apt here. There are exceptions to it, and you have to decide when it is prudent to tell rather than show, but I didn't see nearly as much showing as I would have liked. I enjoy feeling and living a story, seeing the world conjured by the words as if I was one of the characters; not as if I was looking at a monochrome picture, denotive of the vital facts but not descriptive.[/color]


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]I would, however, like to compliment your vocabulary. You did not merely throw around haphazard words, but you chose instead the words that were best suited to your purposes. Still, there were times when your word choices lacked flavor, and other times when they were spiced excessively; by the latter I mean that there were times when you replaced mediocre words with more distinctive ones merely to make it more colorful, which by experience I know is a bad idea. Your choices should be dictated by aptitude alone.[/color]


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]A few nitpicks here and there:[/color]


Here and now he was lax and at-ease.


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]It wasn't necessary to hyphenate that.[/color]


Somehow, he gained the courage to speak,“…. Hahli?”


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Why the period after the ellipsis? That shouldn't be there. It is proper to punctuate a sentence that ends with an ellipsis, but not a sentence that begins with one.[/color]


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]And I don't feel that speak is the right word to use here. I suppose, if you want to be technical, it could be used, but it feels out of place. And sometimes writing is more about what feels right than what is technically correct.[/color]


A blur of lava was the last sight the matoran would realize.


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Another word that doesn't fit right. Maybe you meant cognize?[/color]


"That was a cheap shot; pulling me underwater like that." Jaller chided.


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]That quotation, continuing into the Jaller chided of the grater sentence, should have ended in a comma.[/color]


An old tale slowly faded into his mind.


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]"Fade" means "to disappear gradually"; things fade out, not in. I would recommend appear or materialize. Or it could manifest itself in his mind.[/color]


“… I’ve got some big shoes to fill, Hahli…”


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]"What the Karzahni is a shoe, Jaller?"[/color]


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Overall, well done. [/color]


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Keep writing,[/color]


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith :smilemirunu:[/color]

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