Edited by Tekulo: Toa of Gales, May 29 2012 - 06:32 AM.
Posted May 28 2012 - 08:52 PM
Executive Vice President of Tomato Throwing
Posted Jun 07 2012 - 07:44 AM
my mind has changed my body's frame
but god i like it
my heart's aflame, my body's strained
but god i like it
Posted Dec 09 2012 - 06:15 PM
[color=rgb(0,128,0);]I thought I'd drag this out into the light of day.[/color]
[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Short and sweet. I like the way you tied Lhii's simple, subtle scenes into the greater story. However, I think his introduction was lackluster. You might have showed us what he looked like and who he was, but instead you told us this, and that's rarely a good thing.[/color]
[color=rgb(0,128,0);]I enjoy BIONICLE romance for the way it reduces love to its purest and simplest terms. The relationship between Jaller and Hahli has always been my favorite. And you wrote their roles to perfection. They were both the characters they are supposed to be, and the story suited them.[/color]
[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Now, style. It is, in my opinion, the most important part of a story; it makes it or breaks it. A good style can make up for a bad story, but a good story cannot easily make up for a bad style. Style either enhances a story or ruins it. Moreover, because style is harder to master, good story generally accompanies it. Style, of course, is unique to every writer, but it is an art and it has its precepts all the same.[/color]
[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Yours, then. It was short and pointful, which can be a good thing, but sometimes leaves the story feeling a bit lacking. The rule "show, don't tell" is apt here. There are exceptions to it, and you have to decide when it is prudent to tell rather than show, but I didn't see nearly as much showing as I would have liked. I enjoy feeling and living a story, seeing the world conjured by the words as if I was one of the characters; not as if I was looking at a monochrome picture, denotive of the vital facts but not descriptive.[/color]
[color=rgb(0,128,0);]I would, however, like to compliment your vocabulary. You did not merely throw around haphazard words, but you chose instead the words that were best suited to your purposes. Still, there were times when your word choices lacked flavor, and other times when they were spiced excessively; by the latter I mean that there were times when you replaced mediocre words with more distinctive ones merely to make it more colorful, which by experience I know is a bad idea. Your choices should be dictated by aptitude alone.[/color]
[color=rgb(0,128,0);]A few nitpicks here and there:[/color]
Here and now he was lax and at-ease.
[color=rgb(0,128,0);]It wasn't necessary to hyphenate that.[/color]
Somehow, he gained the courage to speak,“…. Hahli?”
[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Why the period after the ellipsis? That shouldn't be there. It is proper to punctuate a sentence that ends with an ellipsis, but not a sentence that begins with one.[/color]
[color=rgb(0,128,0);]And I don't feel that speak is the right word to use here. I suppose, if you want to be technical, it could be used, but it feels out of place. And sometimes writing is more about what feels right than what is technically correct.[/color]
A blur of lava was the last sight the matoran would realize.
[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Another word that doesn't fit right. Maybe you meant cognize?[/color]
"That was a cheap shot; pulling me underwater like that." Jaller chided.
[color=rgb(0,128,0);]That quotation, continuing into the Jaller chided of the grater sentence, should have ended in a comma.[/color]
An old tale slowly faded into his mind.
[color=rgb(0,128,0);]"Fade" means "to disappear gradually"; things fade out, not in. I would recommend appear or materialize. Or it could manifest itself in his mind.[/color]
“… I’ve got some big shoes to fill, Hahli…”
[color=rgb(0,128,0);]"What the Karzahni is a shoe, Jaller?"[/color]
[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Overall, well done. [/color]
[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith [/color]
When I know I can't live without a pen and paper, when I know writing is as necessary to me as breathing . . .
I know I am ready to start my voyage.
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