Edited by Excelsior, Jul 20 2012 - 09:43 PM.
Posted May 30 2012 - 01:27 PM
Posted Jun 16 2012 - 10:00 PM
Posted Jun 18 2012 - 08:45 PM
First, thanks a lot for the review!Yeah, I was thinking about the different masks that could qualify as "Masks of Vision." I didn't know whether to do a story about an Akaku, or a Mask of Clairvoyance, or a Mask of Psychometry... so I decided to do one about all of them! So then I assembled a whole team of vision-related Toa.
This story struck me as very inventive - especially the machines hidden in the Matoran trade caravan and the Toa's method of defeating them. I also liked how you allowed each of the other Toa to have a spotlight and use of their mask - you didn't just focus on the Mask of Clairvoyance, but moved around to the other Toa.
Interesting. At the time, I saw the conversation I wrote as either necessary to the plot or just sounding natural - what a group of Toa would have been saying in that situation. And I guess Tiro did do more of the talking, beyond his mask use, if that's what you mean - as he was the first to appear, I think I subconsciously thought of him as a more "main" character than the others.Looking back, I see trimming it, and only keeping any one character in view for as long as they're using their "vision," would make it thematically stronger. I was making it up as I went along, which probably explains it. If I was going to redo it, with the emphasis still on the Vision theme, I would start from a plot summary, and then probably flesh it out as little as possible.Something like this: Toa team saves mountain village with vision powers. Toa #1 warns of it with Clarvoyance, Toa #2 finds it with Akaku, Toa #3 identifies it with Psychometry, Toa #4 fights it off with Mahiki. All four kinds of vision were necessary to save the day.That - specifically the last sentence - was what I was trying to do, anyway, although I'm not sure I'm entirely happy with the Mahiki part.
The one thing that bothered me just a little bit was the amount of time the Toa spent talking and waiting for the other Toa to arrive. While it was nice to draw attention to Tiro's use of his mask, I felt that his "seeing" of the Matoran caravan was probably enough exposure for him.
Like I said above, I'm not actually sure how good the ending was. It was a pretty last-minute solution. I'd gotten them into the situation, and then I had to get them out of it - and in a vision-related way!So I decided that I'd go with "scared them off with Illusions," and tried to make it make sense. That's why I threw in elemental walls, though I don't know now if they were necessary. But due to space (as you say), and time, constrictions, I had to make it work in a couple sentences. Otherwise, it might have been better to have another short scene, describing the illusions and so on from the raiders' point of view.Of course, I could have elaborated when I posted it here, since the constraints of the contest were removed, but I didn't see any of these things then. I might not have anyway - I'm almost certainly not now, even though I see it might be improved by a re-write. I think most stories get to a point where you just aren't interested enough to re-work them. (Especially if you wrote it in two days, specifically to enter a contest.)Probably won't come to anything, since I seem to need a spur of some sort to write, but I am wondering if there's any more story material in the Ekara... I would give them at least a cameo, if I wrote more fanfics with non-canon characters.
I would have also have liked more attention drawn to the method the Toa used to trap the Matoran and their reaction, although I assume space constraints are to blame. Less talk, more action.
Thank you. :)In fact, thanks for the whole thing - the criticisms, the compliments, and for taking the trouble of reviewing in the first place!-Excelsior
Still, good job here - nice take on the theme.
Posted Jul 18 2012 - 10:37 AM
I love making names from other languages! It's my favoriteeee!! Do you have the translation for those words? I mean, I could just go consult Google, but I'm trapped in this bubble of laziness so.... yeah XP
My names were all taken directly from Maori, except for Poro and Tiro. Those were shortenings of "poropiti" and "tirohanga" respectively. Maybe they're nicknames or something.
The last line in the story, Ireally liked, it wrapped the entire thing up with a sense of unity. Like, it gave the Toa team unity, but also it tied in/reiterated the theme and also gave us the time period in which the story was set. (League of Six Kingdoms = Win!)And anyways, for your first Bionicle fanfic, I'm impressed. If I had to pick anything to complain about, it would be the length, but since it was for the Flash Fiction Marathon, I can't. The idea of a maze from stone iron and earth, etc etc is great, and again, too bad you were limited by the flash fiction word count.TheToa Ekara, it seems like you put a lot of thought behind them, I'd really like to see more of them around the Library!Keep up the awesome work, I want to read more from you.
Thanks to the combined visions of the Toa Ekara, the Barraki's plans of conquest had received a slight check.
Edited by Aderia, Jul 18 2012 - 10:45 AM.
The Whip Hand
Posted Jul 20 2012 - 09:40 PM
Edited by Excelsior, Jul 20 2012 - 09:42 PM.
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