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The Light Dimension: Review Topic


toacorey

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This is the review topic for my epic called The Light Dimension. Feel free to talk about the story and/or read it at http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=5173Hope you like my story.Any thoughts on the Prologue and Chapter 1?No one has commented yet? Do I need to change how my story is?

Edited by Than the Moa
consecutive posts merged

"New Era, New Assassin"-AC4:Blackflag

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I think each chapter should be more than one paragraph, and you should explain more about the light beings and their dimension. Also I think you meant 'tried' instead of 'tryed'. That's all the criticism I have. Keep it up, and I'll read your next chapter.

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  • 1 month later...

Okay. One thing I’m gonna call you out on before the actual review.

8) No Double Posting in Review Topics.The double-posting rules do apply to review topics -- even for authors. (Story topics, on the other hand, are excused for obvious reasons.)
Well, I’m not entirely sure where to start. For one thing, the concept you have set up is definitely intriguing, with the Light and Dark Dimensions. It’ll be interesting to see how you expand on that.Also, another plus, I saw that The Iron Toa suggested you lengthen your chapters in the future, good job doing so. Between Chapter 1 and Chapter 2, there was good improvement.Okay. Now one thing that really threw me off, you wrote the entire Prologue and Chapter 1 in past tense. Then, halfway through Chapter 2, you switch to present tense, which really interrupted the flow of the story for me.
Mata Nui moves away from the door just in time as one of the guards opened the door and threw the captured being into his cell. The other guard looked worried.[/left]
See, the bolded words are verb tense inconsistencies, and I also spotted a bit of a coding slip-up, but don’t worry, those happen to the best of us. But do you see what I mean about switching from past to present tense, and then back again? It really detracts from the story.I’m not sure if you want this written in past tense, or present tense, but I suggest using only one of those.
Frustrated with his worried partner, the guard who[???] the female prisoner into Mata Nui's cell walks away. His partner soon goes to join him.
Missing verb there, but I’m assuming it’s something along the lines of ‘threw’ or whatnot. Also, ‘goes’, another verb in present tense I wanted to bring to your attention.
As the female prisoner gets up, Mata Nui tries to help her. She pushes him back angrily.
More verbs, in case you want to go back and change them.
Mata Nui begans to speak and then stops.
‘Begans’, I’m pretty sure that’s not a word.
He could never make her stop yelling. She was already in a angry mood enough. He didn't want to make her anymore mad. As Mata Nui sits on the stone protodermis blocks, he begins to think.
You go from present tense in the quote above this one here, to past tense, back to present.
How could Makuta get here? All evil spirits were sent to the Dark Dimension. It was meant to be a prison. It seems he had found a way to get into this dimension and seek his revenge. That would explain why Mata Nui couldn't use his powers.[???] There was so much shadow around him.
Amidst more verb-tense jumping the two sentences with [???] between them would look better joined by a comma, IMO. “That would explain why Mata Nui couldn’t use his powers. There was so much shadow around him.”
Teridax must have told the beings living here the lie the female prisoner had told him. Sad, Mata Nui stand up and walks toward the angry prisoner. She is still staring angrily at him.
Nothing major, just verb highlighting for you.
As the prisoner says that, sits down, crosses his legs, and closes his eyes. He begans to meditate. At first, nothing happens. The prisoner begans to stand and punch Mata Nui when a ball of light comes from his hand..........
Gah! ‘Begans’ everywhere! They should be ‘begins’ or ‘began’, depending on which verb tense you settle on, past or present. Also, this last paragraph was confusing to me, since you refer to both Mata Nui and the female prisoner as ‘the prisoner’. I suggest clarifying, I read it as the female prisoner sitting down and crossing her legs at first, and I thought you just mixed up their genders, but once I read it through, I realized I was lost.Anyways, on to another thing that I really wanted to point out.Your story is written in prose. At least, for the most part, it is. Again, with the consistency thing, if you’re gonna write in prose (paragraphs, basically), keep it that way. Your dialogue between characters skipped into script format, again really messing with the actual story.
The worried guard: Shouldn't we chain her up . What if she escapes.The other guard: The only way she and that other prisoner can escape is if they get these keys. That will never happen.
I actually didn’t know what was happening when I read these lines for the first time. It took me a couple read-overs to figure out it was dialogue. Also, in the ‘worried guard’s speech, even though it’s speech, you still have to punctuate with question marks when a question is being posed.If I may give an example, this is how your script-esque dialogue might look transcribed into prose.
“Shouldn’t we chain her up? What if she escapes?” The worried guard asked.“The only way she and that other prisoner can escape is if they get these keys. That will never happen,” The other guard said.
Just generic prose dialogue, you can spruce it up a bit if you like with words like “inquired” instead of “asked” and “answered” instead of “said.”
Female prisoner: Get off ame before I hurt you! You don't want that do you!Mata Nui startled: I was just trying to help you up. Don't you need help?Female prisoner: I don't need help from you! I can help myself up when I need to do so!Mata Nui: Why are you so angry? What happened here?Female prisoner: Don't pretend you don't know what happened here! Everyone knows that Teridax destroyed our dimension and blocked Mata Nui's way here! Don't you dare pretend you didn't know that!Mata Nui: Well I didn't know that and I'm not lying either.Female prisoner: You lie!
Okay, in the first line, “off a” can be changed to “off of”, or even contracted to “offa”, if you want to throw some dialect into the story. And the exclamation point should either change to a question mark, or add a question mark on behind it. Again, I recommend converting the script dialogue to prose.Also, I mentioned getting the two characters, Mata Nui and the Female Prisoner confused at one point earlier. On that note, it wouldn’t hurt to come up with names for your original characters (OC’s), to avoid that confusion in the future.I want to see this story progress, I really do, and I hope you’ll keep in mind some of the things I pointed out up there. Another thing I will be looking for is character development. Why is this female prisoner so angry? What drives her rage? That kind of stuff.So write away, and I’ll be keeping an eye out for your updates!

(disclaimer: none of this banner art is original, I just smooshed it together in gimp. Torchic, Matau)
ThosePeskyFirespitters.png.3dbdb65e6a28cbbc5957d81c09a685b6.png
Those pesky firespitters... 
Library | The Sculptors and the Smelters | The Ternion Review Topic 

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