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The Rhode of Del Vienvi - Review

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3 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Nick Silverpen

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Posted Jun 09 2012 - 09:46 PM

Welcome to the Review for "Part Element, Part Legend"! This is a "What if" epic that branches off of the Kingdom, through the point of view of three Matoran. Much C&C is appreciated, and if it gets confusing, I would gladly love to know how to make it make sense for you.There are three parts to this book, which can be read here


I: The Rhode of Del Vienvi

Prologue: The Element Lord of Water Arrives

1: Island to the North

2: Lighthouse for the Lost

3: The Village of Weary

4: Through the Storm

5: Sinister Lost

Edited by Nick Silverpen, Jan 09 2015 - 08:04 PM.

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#2 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Jun 20 2012 - 05:15 PM

Hey, just got to reading this. The first chapter was a great introduction. The plot started right away, so I was pulled in. I admit it took me a little time to get into the story because it's been so long since I've read Bionicle fan fiction. It'll be good getting into this again.The enormous calamity was described effectively and without wasted description... with things of those scale, it feels like the writer is pandering to the reader when they try to grasp every aspect of the disaster. I didn't feel that here. Of course, having read Stephen King's Under the Dome, I would suggest reading that too if you have plans for writing more mass-scale catastrophes in painstaking detail without boring the reader... dear me, he did it well!So that was a great beginning leading us away from the Kingdom universe to your own timeline.In chapter 2, I noticed one error:

My map lead back our landing spot, and I bewilderedly checked once, twice, three times

I think that should be "led back to our."I can't be wrong when I feel traces of LOST in this... but that's fine! It's a great story and the similarity makes this feel just as epic. I have lots of questions, though, but I'm sure they'll be answered in time.I like the pace right now. You aren't wasting any words on unnecessary fluff, which makes the story feel solid and confident. I'll be back when more is posted.

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Part One of the Chrysalis Saga

By Takuta-Nui

#3 Offline Nick Silverpen

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Posted Jun 26 2012 - 09:00 PM

Hey, old friend. Funny enough, I have NEVER watched lost in my life. :biggrin:. Some friends are trying to get me into it, might as well... This was all once a very confusing dream, Island to the North, so I took the mysterious aspect of the dream and just wrote it down.Good, that you have questions! Hope they get answered soon. There are a few things going on with the Element Lord, which will play into effect very soon....My question to you is- what are you saying? That I used a good amount of words? My goal with ITTN was to kinda do wordplay, and description. I'm trying to enhance my vocab with this story, so I may slip a word in here or there that may sound like fluff.As for Lighthouse for the Lost, it has changed a great deal since the original draft, which I posted here back in 09. Spent some time between then and now rewriting it, and I hope it changed in a good way.~NSJust posted Village of Weary.... The beginning was honestly my favorite piece of anything I've ever written. Many personal moments were incorporated into this. There are some references that I do hope some people catch up on ;) Peck is finally introduced, and some of the plot starts to come together... hope its an enjoyable read :)

Edited by Moe Howard, Jun 30 2012 - 04:05 PM.
Double Post Merged, you cannot double post in a review topic even if you are the author

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#4 Offline Grantaire

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Posted Jul 04 2012 - 02:47 PM

Official ECC review!Well, I seem to be assigned to a lot of your stories these days. This one isn’t about the T/DH war like the last few, but I certainly enjoyed it.I’ve said this before, in previous reviews, but I enjoy reading your stories because, while the writing isn’t exceptionally amazing, it’s very easy and enjoyable to read, and very easy to follow. It has good grammar as well, with only a few errors I could spot, minor ones at that. If I had to pick at one repeating problem, I’d say spacing and indenting, they seem to be a little inconsistent.A major thing that stood out to me was your switch between first and third person; it can be jarring, but you handled it smoothly enough to the point where it flowed nicely. The problem I did see however, was when you wrote FP from Cenolb. It was confusing, considering that before we only saw FP from one person’s point of view. I’d suggest changing that to third person, honestly.I like the plot and concept a lot, honestly. The AU world you used was a good one, and the idea of the element lord of water worked well. The whole story gave me an air that was a combination of Voya Nui and Mata Nui, and it was a feel I really liked.When it comes to characters, I’ll admit that they aren’t the most appealing. The three aren’t 2D, but I didn’t find their characters very appealing, especially Tiri as a toa. Solek also seemed a little two dimensional and Kopaka ever so slightly OOC. Overall, the characters aren’t terrible, but they aren’t wonderful either; they’re averagely decent, which works well.If I had to give my favorite part, I would say the first chapters; they set a nice setting, and I greatly enjoyed how they were written. For least favorite, the lighthouse part, mostly because Solek did not appeal to me, at all.

As we grew closer to the island, currents pulled our boat back to sea. Tiri and I fought them, our oars bending as dug in. Soon enough our strength beat the ocean’s, and we rolled onto the beach. Nireta threw a pack on the sand and climbed out as the Ta-Matoran and I guided our boat to shore, small waves knocking it back and forth.

‘as they dug in.’

On a stone bench set against the wall sat Nireta and Tiribomba, whom quietly exchanged words. The Toa of Fire caressed his wrist, but otherwise the two looked none the worse for wear.

I think ‘quietly exchanging words’ would sound better, as they’d been talking before Boar arrived.

So I trained. I pushed my Toa power to its limits, and I was finally able to transform into pure light. I figured that was my destiny, to search for those lost at sea.” The three of us stood there, appalled and touched by his story.

You need a quotation mark at the start of that.

“Exactly,” Peck chuckled darkly. “I may not be a Toa, but I understand this stuff a little. Kopaka and Solek have been Toa for far longer than a week. They’re known for whom they are, and they don’t try to be like Tahu or anyone else. Give yourself time, be yourself, and eventually you’ll be known for that.

Since you’re talking about two people, shouldn’t it be who instead of whom?

Kopaka struck this time, swooping upward toward the struggling Ruru. His opponent cut down to intercept the blow, and the steel twirled as Kopaka fluidly flicked his wrists. With one hand he slashed at Kopaka, who met with a dozen parries. The novice struck wildly from all angles, and still was met with the opposing blade omnipresent. The Toa of Fire fiercely attacked, making a step’s advance with every swipe, until he separated Kopaka’s hand and blade. Feeling a burning in his arms, Tiribomba made the vital mistake of lowering his sword; Kopaka’s tip was at his neck in a flash.

First, minor nitpick I had was that you’d think for the setup the swords were there for, they’d be straight blades, not sabers.Second, the bolded line makes it sound like he cut off Kopaka’s hand. What happened? You might want to clarify a bit more.Overall, this was an excellent story, with relatively few flaws, or other problems. I certainly enjoyed reading and reviewing this, and hope to see more of it.

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