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Nightwish: Review Topic


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#1 Offline Wind-rider of Le-Koro

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Posted Oct 14 2011 - 02:57 PM

This is the review topic for my epic, "Nightwish". Tell me what you think of it so far or what I can improve on! :3 http://www.bzpower.c...p?showtopic=531
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I am Wind-Rider of Le-Koro. Total Lewa fan and insane hyper person? That's me! And don't you forget it!


(These guys are going to be under some MAJOR revamping, so don't count on these two being updated anytime soon)
My OLD Comedy: Tips on Glomping Your Favorite Bionicle Characters!
My OLD Epic: Summer Star

My NEW Epic: Nightwish- http://www.bzpower.c...p?showtopic=531
My NEW Comedy: Tips on Glomping Bionicle Characters: Revamped- http://www.bzpower.c...p?showtopic=794

#2 Offline TNTOS

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Posted Sep 06 2012 - 09:20 AM

ECC Charity Review:Let me start by saying that I like how the title for this story looks. That may be an odd compliment, but I do tend to pay more attention to how a title looks and sounds than how appropriate it is to a story. Due to how little you've posted, I have a hard time judging whether Nightwish is an appropriate title or not, even though it looks and sounds interesting.Second, your spelling and grammar is generally pretty good. I didn't notice any spelling errors, but I did notice some paragraphing errors, such as in the first chapter:

This time, the shadowy being opened a single eye, leering down at the messenger with an icy blue gaze. "Show me the message," he ordered while stretching out a clawed hand. "I will be the judge of its worth…or it will be both your heads."With the threat clear as day hanging over his head, the messenger stood and moved closer, placing both items into the dark one's waiting hand and taking a respectful step back. He kept his head low in submission, willing to accept his master's wrath yet dreading the moment as time slowly ticked by. With each line he read, the dark lord's expression grew more and more intrigued. Then, with a grin fit for a skakdi, he gave a low, rattling chuckle.

This was obviously meant to be two paragraphs, but you apparently forgot to put a space between them. There are several other instances like this in the story and it's always jarring, especially because your paragraphing is pretty spot on otherwise.You also misuse dialogue tags, such as here in Chapter 1:

"So that is their game," he grinned in amusement. "Very clever, hiding her in such a place. It's no wonder my men couldn't find a trail."

People do not "grin" things. They they say things while grinning, perhaps, but they never "grin" them.And in Chapter 2:

"And yet I still like to swim in the lakes and rivers around here," I smiled as I set the now cooling drink down and lounged back. Deciding to change the subject, I asked, "So, how was your day so far?"

Same as before. People do not "smile" things. They say things.

"Well, next time I'll sneak you out and we can play when Mom and Dad aren't looking," I smile at him before a yawn shattered anything else I was going to add-"…I know," his brother replies softly, bowing his head in respect. "But…you know what Helryx will do once she finds out about this…"

Wrong tense. "Smile" should be "smiled" (although if I were you I'd toss out "smile" entirely and replace it with a good ol' "said") and "replies" should be "replied. You're writing the story in past tense, not present tense. You have to be consistent with your chosen tense, otherwise it gives off the feeling that your characters are time-travelers when they're clearly not.I notice you tend to avoid using the word "said" as a dialogue tag, which I think is a big mistake. Dialogue tags are supposed to be draw attention only to the dialogue and never to themselves. "Said" has been used for so long it is almost invisible to most readers and so it doesn't distract from the dialogue itself.Not that you should never use dialogue tags other than "said." Sometimes they really are necessary, but in general you should always use "said" because, again, readers don't notice it and at the same time it helps the reader focus on the dialogue and who is talking. Never underestimate the power of "said."As for the plot, it really feels generic. It seems like your basic "Chosen One" story, complete with protagonist who's ignorant of her specialness, people speaking cryptically of her true purpose, and the villains attempting to get her for equally cryptic reasons. I have no idea what the original version of this story was like, but this version feels very predictable and boring, which is something you generally want to avoid in writing except under certain cirumstances.Not to mention there are some plot holes. For example, if Mak doesn't want Tak calling him by his full name while Kira is in the room, then why were they talking about this secret stuff while Kira was in the room? I understand she was asleep and all, but they didn't seem to be trying to be quiet. Why didn't they go talk about it in another room? Why couldn't Kira's mother put her to bed, instead of Mak? Did they think that by talking cryptically Kira wouldn't understand what they were talking about?Your point of view decisions are rather inconsistent, too. The first chapter is narrated by an omniscient narrator, the first half of the second chapter is in first person, then the second half of the second chapter is a mixture of third person limited and omniscient. It's really jarring. You should realy just stick with one particular point of view instead of jumping all over the place like this. Not that you should never mix POV types, but it's generally better to choose one and stick with it at all times than to jump around like this.Your characters, as a whole and as individuals, aren't that interesting. I'll focus mostly on Kira, the protagonist, although considering how she really hasn't done anything to advance the plot, she's more like a plot device than anything. Perhaps she would have become more active if you'd posted more chapters, but as it is she's too, well, "cute," for lack of a better word.The biggest problem with Kira is that the entire world, at this point in the story, seems to revolve around her for no good reason. The bad guys want her, her dad and uncle had a short argument/discussion about her, she has a talking toy that she built, she has wonderful parents who love her more than anything (well, her dad does, at least), she is explicitly called "special" by the main villain in the first chapter . . . honestly, Kira feels something like a Mary Sue.Now, of course, these are only the first two chapters. Perhaps Kira would have changed and become less of the center of the universe as the story went on, but as it is, Kira is supposed to be special but we don't know why. It seems to me you're trying to make Kira likeable by having her act "cute" and have "cute" things and do "cute" things, but just because someone is cute doesn't instantly make them likeable. If anything, I'd say "cute" characters are almost inherently unlikeable, but I digress.Personally, I'd say focus less on Kira's "cuteness" and work more on her actual personality. Yes, she is only six, but six-year-olds do have personalities, even if they aren't as well developed as older children's. Instead of showing her "cuteness" as a good thing, why not show it as something that could get her into trouble as well? Why not show an actual aspect of her personality that defines her apart from other six-year-old fictional characters?Overall, I really do not like this story. It's not horrible or completely bad, but the combination of a generic Chosen One plot with a generic main character and generic villains just about kills it for me. My suggestion would be to think it over deeply and then rewrite the story again. As the saying goes, there is no such thing as writing, only rewriting (I think I got the saying right, anyway).Keep on writing and never give up.-TNTOS-

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#3 Offline Wind-rider of Le-Koro

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Posted Oct 05 2012 - 08:48 PM

ECC Charity Review:Let me start by saying that I like how the title for this story looks. That may be an odd compliment, but I do tend to pay more attention to how a title looks and sounds than how appropriate it is to a story. Due to how little you've posted, I have a hard time judging whether Nightwish is an appropriate title or not, even though it looks and sounds interesting.Second, your spelling and grammar is generally pretty good. I didn't notice any spelling errors, but I did notice some paragraphing errors, such as in the first chapter:

This time, the shadowy being opened a single eye, leering down at the messenger with an icy blue gaze. "Show me the message," he ordered while stretching out a clawed hand. "I will be the judge of its worth…or it will be both your heads."With the threat clear as day hanging over his head, the messenger stood and moved closer, placing both items into the dark one's waiting hand and taking a respectful step back. He kept his head low in submission, willing to accept his master's wrath yet dreading the moment as time slowly ticked by. With each line he read, the dark lord's expression grew more and more intrigued. Then, with a grin fit for a skakdi, he gave a low, rattling chuckle.

This was obviously meant to be two paragraphs, but you apparently forgot to put a space between them. There are several other instances like this in the story and it's always jarring, especially because your paragraphing is pretty spot on otherwise.You also misuse dialogue tags, such as here in Chapter 1:

"So that is their game," he grinned in amusement. "Very clever, hiding her in such a place. It's no wonder my men couldn't find a trail."

People do not "grin" things. They they say things while grinning, perhaps, but they never "grin" them.And in Chapter 2:

"And yet I still like to swim in the lakes and rivers around here," I smiled as I set the now cooling drink down and lounged back. Deciding to change the subject, I asked, "So, how was your day so far?"

Same as before. People do not "smile" things. They say things.

"Well, next time I'll sneak you out and we can play when Mom and Dad aren't looking," I smile at him before a yawn shattered anything else I was going to add-"…I know," his brother replies softly, bowing his head in respect. "But…you know what Helryx will do once she finds out about this…"

Wrong tense. "Smile" should be "smiled" (although if I were you I'd toss out "smile" entirely and replace it with a good ol' "said") and "replies" should be "replied. You're writing the story in past tense, not present tense. You have to be consistent with your chosen tense, otherwise it gives off the feeling that your characters are time-travelers when they're clearly not.I notice you tend to avoid using the word "said" as a dialogue tag, which I think is a big mistake. Dialogue tags are supposed to be draw attention only to the dialogue and never to themselves. "Said" has been used for so long it is almost invisible to most readers and so it doesn't distract from the dialogue itself.Not that you should never use dialogue tags other than "said." Sometimes they really are necessary, but in general you should always use "said" because, again, readers don't notice it and at the same time it helps the reader focus on the dialogue and who is talking. Never underestimate the power of "said."As for the plot, it really feels generic. It seems like your basic "Chosen One" story, complete with protagonist who's ignorant of her specialness, people speaking cryptically of her true purpose, and the villains attempting to get her for equally cryptic reasons. I have no idea what the original version of this story was like, but this version feels very predictable and boring, which is something you generally want to avoid in writing except under certain cirumstances.Not to mention there are some plot holes. For example, if Mak doesn't want Tak calling him by his full name while Kira is in the room, then why were they talking about this secret stuff while Kira was in the room? I understand she was asleep and all, but they didn't seem to be trying to be quiet. Why didn't they go talk about it in another room? Why couldn't Kira's mother put her to bed, instead of Mak? Did they think that by talking cryptically Kira wouldn't understand what they were talking about?Your point of view decisions are rather inconsistent, too. The first chapter is narrated by an omniscient narrator, the first half of the second chapter is in first person, then the second half of the second chapter is a mixture of third person limited and omniscient. It's really jarring. You should realy just stick with one particular point of view instead of jumping all over the place like this. Not that you should never mix POV types, but it's generally better to choose one and stick with it at all times than to jump around like this.Your characters, as a whole and as individuals, aren't that interesting. I'll focus mostly on Kira, the protagonist, although considering how she really hasn't done anything to advance the plot, she's more like a plot device than anything. Perhaps she would have become more active if you'd posted more chapters, but as it is she's too, well, "cute," for lack of a better word.The biggest problem with Kira is that the entire world, at this point in the story, seems to revolve around her for no good reason. The bad guys want her, her dad and uncle had a short argument/discussion about her, she has a talking toy that she built, she has wonderful parents who love her more than anything (well, her dad does, at least), she is explicitly called "special" by the main villain in the first chapter . . . honestly, Kira feels something like a Mary Sue.Now, of course, these are only the first two chapters. Perhaps Kira would have changed and become less of the center of the universe as the story went on, but as it is, Kira is supposed to be special but we don't know why. It seems to me you're trying to make Kira likeable by having her act "cute" and have "cute" things and do "cute" things, but just because someone is cute doesn't instantly make them likeable. If anything, I'd say "cute" characters are almost inherently unlikeable, but I digress.Personally, I'd say focus less on Kira's "cuteness" and work more on her actual personality. Yes, she is only six, but six-year-olds do have personalities, even if they aren't as well developed as older children's. Instead of showing her "cuteness" as a good thing, why not show it as something that could get her into trouble as well? Why not show an actual aspect of her personality that defines her apart from other six-year-old fictional characters?Overall, I really do not like this story. It's not horrible or completely bad, but the combination of a generic Chosen One plot with a generic main character and generic villains just about kills it for me. My suggestion would be to think it over deeply and then rewrite the story again. As the saying goes, there is no such thing as writing, only rewriting (I think I got the saying right, anyway).Keep on writing and never give up.-TNTOS-

First, thank you for the critque! 8D It's always good to know where I need to improve on and such, and having someone point those things out helps immensely.Okay, on to the response for your long post. X3Thank you for pointing out those little paragraph areas. I don't remember if I copy and pasted it from my word document or from the other site I had it posted on, but it'll be an easy fix.When it comes to that "smiled" and "grin" thing, I think that might be something leftover from when I was still young at writing. When you put it that way, it's actually helping me see different ways to word those things.And to sum up the rest of what you were saying, I was actually planning on rewriting it in the first place...or second place as the case may be. XD I wasn't really satisfied with how I had written some of these chapters I have, so I was actually planning on rewriting them. Some of those things that you pointed out, like with Mak and Tak talking in the same room with Kira, will definitely help me when I get around to rewriting them.Also, I'm rewriting some of the character profiles I've got to better help me with these things, so most likely how Kira's acting now might change, but at the moment I'm not sure, since I hadn't touched this story in a while due to college and other factors in my life. And Kira was never really intended to be a "Chosen One" sort of deal since she's really not going to be killing anyone or revealing some "UBER-ULTIMATE POWER" or some junk like that, but there are some things that are definitely different. But like you said, I've only got a few chapters up, so it's hard for people to really get that sense.I'm actually reading some tips that people have left on the old forums on how to write, so it's a good refresher and it's giving me better ideas on how to work some things. When you mentioned that "inconsistent POV change", I can definitely see your point there (and I found a tip that said something similar), so I think I'll just stick with the third-person sort of deal. First-person's nice when you want to get certain details, but it does tend to throw a lot of things off balance.I will definitely focus a little less on Kira's "cuteness" though. XDOnce again, thank you for the long critique. 8D

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I am Wind-Rider of Le-Koro. Total Lewa fan and insane hyper person? That's me! And don't you forget it!


(These guys are going to be under some MAJOR revamping, so don't count on these two being updated anytime soon)
My OLD Comedy: Tips on Glomping Your Favorite Bionicle Characters!
My OLD Epic: Summer Star

My NEW Epic: Nightwish- http://www.bzpower.c...p?showtopic=531
My NEW Comedy: Tips on Glomping Bionicle Characters: Revamped- http://www.bzpower.c...p?showtopic=794




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