Edited by Space: Ocean of Awe, Jun 13 2012 - 03:40 PM.
My Cot Flash Fiction Marathon Entries
Posted Jun 12 2012 - 06:21 PM
Posted Oct 31 2012 - 11:00 PM
I think you could have left this paragraph out. It doesn't say anything that you don't show later, and it makes your story read more like a narrative essay. Not that there's anything wrong with narrative essays, but I assume you were trying to write a short story here. It would be much more advantageous to start your story in media res with the conversation with Grey Allen. Then you can go through the main characters experience as they come home and realize that they need to right stories again.Secondly, the title. I'm not sure "old parchment" is appropriate; parchment calls to mind something much more ancient. "Old Sheet of Paper" doesn't quite have the same ring to it, but I'm sure you can figure something out. "You'll never get away..."This is how I felt when I got caught in the internet this evening. :/ The draw of another world is powerful, and your classic take interested me. However, considering the characters situation, I did not feel like any of his/her feelings came through. He/she was far too logical for someone at the end of his/her rope.
It used to be that whenever somebody mentioned treasure, I would think of old chests filled with golden coins, buried beneath a temple overseas. Something that existed only in fiction, surely something that I, of all people, would never possess. I never thought, for a moment, that a treasure varies from person to person, that my greatest treasures, sitting in the basement, could be old parchment to someone else.
He/she sounds like a computer, not a person who is hungry and tired and exhausted and can not longer tell reality from fantasy. This brings me to the point of narrative bias. First person narrative is going to have a severe bias because that is how the character comes through. (It's pretty hard to write for that reason.) The narrator here won't think in exposition just for the readers' benefit, they are in the world right now and it is happening around them."The Camp Doctor"I see a potential in the first paragraph. We have a setting that seems rich and varied, but then all at once it becomes vague. I'm not asking you to build an entire world here, but how about some more details? Details are what make a story come alive; they feed the reader's picture of the narrative. Instead of telling us about the doctor's experience, why not show him walking among the sick, or performing a surgery? This who story has no dialogue, and as a consequence it feels like one big exposition that I don't need. I don't feel emotionally invested in it.This brings me to one of the trends I saw throughout your stories. You feel the need to explain as much as possible to the reader in what words you have. You're never going to be able to do that in Flash Fiction. Flash Fiction gives you an opportunity to give your reader a glimpse of a world. Trying to explain the entire situation will only waste words that could otherwise be used to bring life to your prose.I apologize if this may have come across as harsh. You have a variety of interesting ideas here, and your writing is solid. You just need to learn to avoid explaining everything. Keep writing, and have a Happy Halloween. ^^
My mental and physical state has degenerated. I cannot go a single moment without obsessing over the Game, I haven’t seen daylight for weeks, except through the closed blinds in my bedroom.
Hatchi - Talli - Ranok - Lucira - Morie - Akiyo - Yukie - Shuuan - Ilykaed
My bones are hollow, that's where I keep my marrow
This quiver in my lip, that's just where I keep my arrows.
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